I am enough

There is currently no trying in my title of this post.
I am not trying to be overwhelmed.
I simply am.

I am overwhelmed with bitterness, sadness, loss, compassion, confusion, certainty and love.

Today I told myself I was going to write a blog about how this summer went, an apology to my kiddos for not having enough play dates, and how I don't have a tribe (group of friends, community, solid, depth, somewhere to belong).  A mixture of things really.

A combination of events happened last night and today have let me to write differently.  But while doing my Hebrews study I wrote a prayer to God that contained: To be vulnerable we remember we are enough and belong.  I don't feel like I belong with a group, or even with most people.

Later I wrote:

Every time I stop and think that I am
Not enough. I will
Out loud speak truth; that I
Understand that I am loved.
God gave me an identity; in
Him I realize I am worthy.  I belong.      

So as today continues to unfolded I realized that my own selfish needs to be heard are all for my own outcry.

Right now, I need a war cry.

Romans 8:26
Isaiah 4:23

I wrote the above almost 4 years ago, but never published it. It still, sadly, seems fitting. 

Some of my past blogs remind me, in my own words, how far I have come. And how lonely the journey has been. 

* Uninvited Book Study circa 2016

* Mentor {Open Letter}

Image Credit

Covid 19 Brain Spirals

I just told a friend that I tend to spiral when I don't have answers.  My mind will just go and go and can't stop as it is looking for facts, evidence, solutions. I have so many spirals going on right now as new information is constantly being presented and my once normal is now again out of balance. I am pretty confident a tornado would look at me and say "nope, you be crazy."

For COVID 19, here are my 19 spirals that my brain consistently is processing through out each and every day....and some of my own personal conclusions. 

Spiral 1: Am I a mean mom? My brain can not stop this spiral. Although it is one I regularly reflect and think about. Now more than ever, it is in my face, how much yelling I do as I spend 24 hours a day with these creatures. My biggest fear...they won't survive this quarantine with all of their brainless activities.  Example... our 4 year old looking for a new family.... down the road... on his own.  Or, how about our 8 year old going down the zip line... with a spike!  New rule, only ONE BODY on the zip line at a time.  Keeping kids alive is challenging, and now they are stuck at home..... but.... I am not a mean mom. (and my kids are precious, hilarious, creative, sweet and wild humans who are going to learn and be academically ready for the next year).

Spiral 2: Am I a terrible wife? In case you were wondering, one can be kicked out of their own home during shelter in place. They don't have anywhere fun to go; but a spouse who is "asked" to leave can drive around for a bit to cool off.  Prior to this whole pandemic, my husband was gone Thursday through Sunday for work. Can you imagine the shift that must take place in our home as we both reside in it....E V E R Y D A Y  together... regardless.... I am not a terrible wife. (nor is he a bad husband).

Spiral 3: Am I a bad teacher? When I was allowed to go to work I knew and had confidence in my teaching ability. I was excited to share knowledge and watch my high school students turn light bulbs on. But now, it is hard to connect with them. It's a challenge to stop thinking about ... can I do more? How? I do my best and put these kiddos first as if they were my own.... I am not a bad teacher.

Spiral 4: Am I glorifying God? Did I read my Bible enough? Pray for all the people I can think of? Am I participating in church functions as I should? Last week, as I was crying, my oldest gave me a hug, and told me "God is with your wherever you go. Joshua 1:9".  He didn't understand the irony of what he was saying....being the fact that we aren't going anywhere..... my children are learning.... I am glorifying God. (even if it's just "God, please help me!")

Spiral 5: Will my sister be safe? My sister is a doctor. Whether she knows it or not, I am constantly worried about her safety in these conditions. It "plagues" my mind; as she is the mom to three amazing little kiddos. The thought of her being at risk shatters my heart. This spiral, if started, usually ends in tears...... my sister is wise and is using every precaution.... she is safe. She is strong!

Spiral 6: What's for dinner? What's for lunch? Wait... what did we have for breakfast? Having to remember to feed our family, every day, for every meal.... is a major spiral. Or can be. Now, before this whole lock down business, I had the menu planning on lock down, but we had freedom to change it up or pick up last minute items on our way home from work. All I know is that I am so incredibly grateful for the meals provided by our boys' school. Going to pick them up provides routine and a much needed break in our day, plus a fun little trip down the road. This spiral usually doesn't get too far when my husband and I pick out what's for dinner in the morning. A plan is set in place. 

Spiral 7: Am I getting fat? So there is a joke about gaining the Covid 15 (a play off of the freshmen 15) and I am not laughing. Try on your jeans they say..... amazon search jeans.... I have always struggled with my weight, size and being content with my own image. But it seems to be magnified (like my waist) during these uncertain times. I can't run with my sister anymore.... I am at home where the boys like to ask for snacks... whats a small nibble? (hint: it's no longer a nibble when you eat two serving sizes while preparing their food).  The good news..... this spiral is coming to a halt. I am continuing to run (sadly without my sister) and I am in the process to reshape my mindset, hopefully helping me reshape my body.  Although I gained a few pounds in March when this all started, I have been steady. So... no, I am not getting fat! (honestly, who cares!)

Spiral 8: Do I have homework? In January I started my online graduate program! It was manageable with my husband traveling. However, I have discovered I do not like doing homework when he is home. I am constantly having to think about what assignments I need to do or edit, which chapter in our text I need to read, or have I posted to the proper discussion board. Yes, I do have homework. 

Spiral 9: Am I going crazy? My mental health is in a very strange place. I am typically not an emotional person. I've cried like 6 times this week.... okay.... yesterday. I cried like 6 times yesterday. I am trying to get off of this roller coaster. It's odd. At night, it feels almost normal. Spending time with the family, going to bed. And in the morning, there is a brief second that all feels like the world is still spinning correctly. The only thing spinning, my overwhelming desire to be perfect in all of this....which... is not possible. I am not going crazy, but keeping my mental and emotional  health in check is highly recommended.

Spiral 10: When did I shower last? During this social distancing I thought it would a be terrific time to do a social experiment: how long can one go without showering before their children think they smell funnier than them? The answer is 4.  I will let you decided what the 4 represents.... it's also up to you to figure out how much sarcasm is in that statement.  Keeping track of when to shower, if it is necessary for the day, do I have clean underwear... it is a fun mental spiral .... if you can't remember the last time you showered, you probably should. 

Spiral 11: Zoom! Not going to lie. I am going to declare that "Zoom" becomes a grown up word in our house. In the last two weeks I believe we have zoomed a total of 11 times NOT including my husbands meetings and instruction lessons. So we are probably looking at around 30 - 40 something different zoom sessions we have participated in. The answer to my spiral... write them down, set an alarm... and hope for the best.

Spiral 12: Who did __________________ last? Dishes, vacuum, sweep, laundry, cook, wipe down tables, pick up toys, mow the yard, get the mail, take out the trash, feed and water the dog, pay the bills, check the plants........all day long. I am not going to lie, a friend sent me some pictures of her home.... it made me feel better about mine. The benefit of having a "smaller" home and the fact that we live a more minimalist lifestyle, we have less mess. What I am starting to realize, we live here. It's okay if it looks like it. (ps... we don't own a dishwasher if that somehow makes you feel better)

Spiral 14: Am I in the wrong to be upset with people's ignorance and selfishness? There are some pretty far fetched conspiracies going around right now, or being stirred up more. I don't know what's worse, the conspiracies and ignorance or the political bullying and badgering during this time in which we need to be more united? It's sickening how much time I have wasted reading misleading information. Nope, it's okay for me to be upset, it's what I do with my frustration that is key. Learning not to chase rabbits on social media (stop trying to prove everyone wrong) has vastly increased my joy. People will believe what they want, no matter how crazy, mean, or inaccurate it is. I can't control that. I can only control my perception and I want to choose joy. I need to choose joy. 

Spiral 15: Am I doing this right? You know all of those projects I wanted to do.... start a garden..... plant more indoor plants.... paint the shed.... stain the deck.... Or, how about all the books I am going to get to read?! I have to stop my brain from thinking about all these things and truly refocus the spiral into something more productive. It's okay if not everything gets done while I manage the other spirals in my life. Yes, I am doing this right. 

Spiral 16: Am I going to be able to make Easter memorable? Just. Sit. Down. Stop. Thinking. Seriously, why do I let my brain going into these tizzies. Here's the fact... this whole event... will make this Easter memorable, I don't have to do anything, it's done for me!

Spiral 17: Am I writing enough letters, making enough phone calls, marco polos, texts? I want to take care of people. When I start thinking of too many people that I want to communicate or connect with I will just start writing their names down and in my free time reach out to them. If you are reading this (and personally know me) and I have not contacted you, I am sorry. With around 140 students in addition to family, it's a lot to take care of. I have tried writing cards, sending encouraging messages on Instagram, making goodies for neighbors, all of it. I am doing enough.

Spiral 18: Do people think or care about me as much as I think and care about them? This is when my brain spirals in reverse of the above..... who I take care of becomes who is taking care of me? This spiral might be the most dangerous! It is something I think about a lot. See.... I have trust issues. I have abandonment issues. I have friendship or maintaining relationship issues. I have control issues. I have fear of missing out issues. I am always looking for a deep connection; yet, I tend to drown people when I try to take them too deep. I question why my "friends" on facebook don't like a picture or video... yet comment on someone else's stuff.... it's a dangerous spiral that number 18.  First, if you have read this entire blog. Thank you, please let me know by leaving me a comment. Maybe this post was too long, so you scrolled to the bottom and read this part, but you've read my blog before... cool and thanks! If I have recently told you how much you mean to me, know that I truly have thought it. A LOT. Thank you for loving me, reaching out to me, not giving up on me. I know who you are and I hope you know who you are too. 

Spiral 19: I don't know if you actual read this or caught this intentional mistake ... but I only made 18 brain spirals. Well...if you count thinking about one less spiral as a brain spiral of it's self. (Anyone else tired of the "math problems" with pictures). This virus doesn't deserve the best of me. It doesn't deserve all of my mental energy and time.

Let me know what your brain spirals are. How are you dealing with challenging times?

Be safe. Live loved.

I tried - being at home

We have been settling in for the past month.  Tomorrow I start back to work (my 7th year of teaching) at a new district.  Tomorrow also marks a month of us living in our new STATE.  Not just state of mind but actual physical state.   

It is hard for me to imagine that we have already been here for a month.  It still feels a bit like a vacation house (not that we know what that's like, ha!) but not yet ours. 

Last night though, as Jeremiah was working late, I hung up my jewelry.... in a very college-chique (cheap) way.  And as odd as it was, it made this space seem like home.  I had put off hanging up/organizing this space for a month.  Not wanting to face reality, true.  Not needing to purely out of necessity, true. Not having the motivation, nailed it.  But the coffee I had late that afternoon must have kicked in.... so at 11:30 at night I am revisiting so many of these pieces. 

The picture above is how any wall can transform into home with a few items.  Now, it does look like pretty basic jewelry and trinkets.  BUT it is so much more. Home is where the heart is... so people say.... and these items are my heart.   I have cameras from both sets of grandparents.  My maternal-grandparents have their handkerchiefs.  Our wedding invitation, pictures of being baptized... in February... in a creek (old school, amiright).  There is a little wooden box that I have treasured letters, one from my Dad <3.  The necklaces and bracelets from Bali (thanks Z), Rome, and Hawaii.  Some of the pieces, works of art, are hand made...made with so much love (thanks B and WG/J).... and some are made just out of love thanks to my boys and their pipe-cleaner skillz.  Several of the items are heirlooms from my grandmother.  Price.Less.   A necklace that I remember Gideon using as a teething necklace.   The one that I wear to literally put "faith" around my neck. The jar, once full of change, is waiting to be filled again so our boys can enjoy the gift of giving.  This is where my heart is. 

It's not fancy by any means.  But it's mine; and now that it is all hanging there, waiting for me in the morning, this building is starting to feel like home.

Home takes time.  Takes people. 

I miss my people.  Yup.  I am going to totally call them that.  There were not many, but it was not about quantity but the quality.  These girls that stood by my side, some since we were babies. It is a hard feeling to trudge through knowing that I can't just ask them to go to ihop or get coffee... that distance has crept in.   I know, and they have shown me the past month, that distance is not a factor (thank you for the text, videos, and catch up ladies) when it comes to friendship. And some of these dear friends have moved even over oceans as I stayed.  I am not saying I have not been hurt by people, for I have; even now trust is something that I struggle with.  But even with all the good and bad, leaving was hard.

Last week I celebrated my 31st birthday, and it was odd to reflect back when I met some of these great friends.  Before or right after babies.  I was still a "baby"!  But it was easier.  We bonded over lack of sleep, poopy diapers, teething and support of a strong cup of coffee.  As our kids got older we shared the love of games, books and movies, again... with coffee in hand.  We spent time at events watching our lil'ones explore.  It just seemed so easy, natural, effortless... and before we knew it, YEARS had passed. 

Now, at 31, I am starting over.  No more babies to bond over.... I mean, I will ALWAYS hold a baby for someone in need.... and talking about poop doesn't bother me... #boymom  but now, my kids need me in a different way.  I need friends in a different way.

So, instead of "I tried - being at home" as the title of this blog, it should be I am trying to find home again.  It's true.

To the people who we are getting to know.  Thank you for letting us come into your home, be apart of your life.   If at times I am awkward or quiet, I am just processing in my head.  If at times I say the "wrong" things - just roll with my sarcasm or call me out on it (lovingly).  I am just trying to find my tribe. 

I am not to replace the people we left, but to expand our hearts even more.
This transition will take time, love and people.

SO, to the people who will be in our home tomorrow and there after.  Welcome.  This is our home.

I tried - being mentorable {open letter to my future mentor}

Dear Future Mentor,

Thank you.  I have needed you for some time.  I needed you without even knowing it was you, or the idea of a mentor.  I needed  you more than I realized.

See, I feel as if I am in a weird spot in the church.  I don't feel like I belong.  I did not grow up in the church that we are going to, so my roots are more shallow than others. I did not attend the Christian college, as my husband and friends did, feeling as I orbit their social circle. I have a "worldly" job... I mean ministry... ahh, whatever teaching is these days, which does not allow a lot of time to do do "mom" things or minister to others.  It's weird for I have a loving mom and great friends, but I am missing...

missing you.

I need guidance spiritually.
I need wisdom that challenges me.
I need patience, strength, calm, investment.
I need cared for.

I need you.

As I currently write you, my family is going through a season of transition. A time of reflection and re-centering our lives back to God's plan.  A time of waiting to see what is in store.  Prior to this season I had directly asked several (4) women to be my mentors, and asked handful of other women to just hang out - but it always falls through.  Some of these women graciously turned me down with positive answers.  Some didn't really have the time, respectively.

But I truly, prayerfully plead for someone to reach my hand and say "it is I that will get coffee with you! Listen. Talk. Pray. Check-in. Invest."   Okay, you don't have to talk like that.  I promise.

Mentoring is an odd topic to talk about in the church.  Sometimes it happens organically, very natural.  Other times it is forced.  I pray that whomever gets paired with me, it is a relationship that happens naturally, God driven.

See, I am a mess.  To my peers, it might appear that I am put together.  Got all the answers.  Life is grand.  But, I am human.  Just as my blog title states, I am trying.  Honestly, I don't know what I am doing from day to day.  Grasping at straws.

I know once this season of transition changes, there might be more time and opportunity for investment.

A  few weeks ago I was talking to an older lady about my parents helping take care of my children as we were at a conference she said "at least you have your parents, we always lived so far from family."    I just wanted to respond with, "but you had the church.  You had people come to you and watch your kiddos to give you a break.  Bring you a meal.  Pray with you.  Call you to see how you were. Being a mother is hard.  Working in a church is hard."   But I just acknowledged the truth that I am thankful that we are currently close living to my family.

A year ago I had a friend talk about how she doesn't have many deep relationships or mentors and how she wishes her mom lived closer.  Yet, in the same conversation I could count on two hands the older women in her life.  ASKING to babysit her new baby.  ASKING to clean her house or offer help.  ASKING  her over for coffee and conversation.  Yet it appeared that she is oblivious to all the good she had.
J
Future mentor, or can I call you friend.  I am a bit bitter.  I don't want to be.  I ask God to help soften my heart.  To give me courage to ask the right women to be apart of my life. But as a horse chases a carrot on the stick, I am always just a tad short.

So future mentor, future church.  Thank you.

Thank you for loving me, the messy me.  The real me.  The speaks before she thinks me.
Thank you for loving my family.  Challenging us to be humble kingdom workers.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to acknowledge that I exist.

That's all that is takes.
Letting people know that they are important.

I do my best to be intentional with my friends.  But having someone who has gone before me, to hold my hand through prayer, tears, excitement and opportunities is who I am looking for. (holding my hand can be figuratively - don't want to make anyone, myself included, uncomfortable).

If you are an older woman, regardless of age, who are you investing in?  The generation younger than  you?  The new mom?  A student? A babysitter?

Dear future mentor.
I needed you.
I wait for you.
I appreciate you.
I appreciate God's timing of you.

With love,
Megan

Freebie Find: 100 Questions and mentor conversation topics - to make this mentoring thing easier on all of us.  =] 

Uninvited - Reminders

These are the reminders, that when we are feeling the most unloved, we can refer back to and feel God's love.

Week 1 - Chapters 1, 2, and 3: 
[I am one of] "God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved...."  Colossians 3:12b

Chapter 1 - We are Chosen by God

Chapter 2 - Three Questions you must consider:  Is God good?  Is God good to me?  Is God good at being God?  "Things of this world all eventually reveal what incapable anchors they really are."

Chapter 3 - Live Loved, one must simply live like we are loved, for we are.  "Live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won't find yourself begging others for scraps of love."

Week 2 - Chapters 4 and 5:
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

Chapter 4 - "Proximity and activity don't always equal connectivity." "The more fully we invite God in, the less we feel uninvited by others"

Chapter 5 - God will fill us where we are not just full, but over flowing.

Week 3 - Chapters 6, 7 and 8:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

Chapter 6  - We have an enemy, and it's not each other; fight for her, even if your relationship isn't working.

Chapter 7 - Grace or Bitterness; our hearts only have enough room for one.

Chapter 8 - "Relationships don't come in packages of perfection, relationships come in packages of potential."  "No amount of outside achievements fixes inside hurt."   For we have to have acknowledge people without joining them.

Week 4 - Chapters 9, 10, 11:
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty and, that he may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6

Chapter 9 - We are set aside, not apart.  Rejection offers three gifts from God, when we allow it.  Gift of being made less, being lonely, and of silence.

Chapter 10 - "There is an abundant need in this world for your exact brand of beautiful."    We should not be threatened by others, but rejoice in their success - there is more than one pie in life =]

Chapter 11 - We must praise, seek, look to, call to, experience, fear, learn from, honor, draw near to, and take refuge in God.

Week 5 - Chapter 12, 13, and 14:
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my hear and my portion forever."  Psalm 73:26

Chapter 12 - The enemy is fighting against us by wanting us to crave, lust after and be boastful.  While Jesus promises to fill us when are in need.    Testing God is what the enemy wants.  Trusting God is what the kingdom needs.

Chapter 13 - When we focus on the mess we tend to miss the miracles.

Chapter 14 - Rejection is the opportunity to change.  The in-between is the highway to change. Inviting God into our lives is the vehicle we use to travel the in-between.

Week 6 - Chapter 15 and 16 
"We are troubled on every side, yet no distresssed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsakend; cast down, but not destroyed."   2 Corinthians 4;8-9

Chapter 15 - Like and olive tree we have to face both good and bad winds in order to be balanced, replacing rejection with redepemtion is a process and will take time, God will press us but not crush us.  Don't run away, but rise above!

Chapter 16 - If you look for rejection, you will find it.  Do not let other people fix you, we can only be fixed by Jesus and  his unconditional love.

Check out the playlist post.

How can I pray for you?

Uninvited Playlist

Throughout the weeks of reading the book, "Uninvited" by Lysa TerKeurst I would have songs play through my head.

Odd.

For those of you who know me. I am a far cry from a musician.   My husband, now, HE is the musically gifted one.

Honestly, without google, I wouldn't have been able to look up the lyrics going through my head.  I can't remember song titles or artists to save my life.  And the noise that I hear in my head, seems to never be the same noise that comes out of my mouth, even in a hum.  =]  

If you click here you will be able to go to youtube and listen to all of them.  Let me know what songs you like to listen to, that life you and bring you closer to God?

Here's my playlist for Uninvited:

Good Good Father - Chris Tomlin
Drops in the Ocean - Hawk Nelson
Live Like You're Loved - Hawk Nelson
God of Justice - Tim Hughes
Losing - Tenth Avenue North
Forever - Chris Tomlin
Lose My Soul - TobyMac
Make a Joyful Noise - David Crowder Band
I need thee every hour - mormon tabernacle choir
Your Grace Finds Me - Matt Redman
Overcomer - Mandisa
Never Once - Matt Redman
Who Am I - Casting Crowns
Everything Glorious - David Crowder Band
Lead me to the corss - Hillsong United
Here I am to worship -Hillsong Worship/Tm Hughes
How Great is Our God - Christ Tomlin
Mighty to Save - Hillsong United
come Alive (dry bones) - Lauren Diagle

I tried - being everyone else's fixer [Chapter 16]

As you read, feel free to listen to:  Mighty To Save and Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong United

Growing up, I realized in high school, that I had a problem.  I liked to fix people.  The  boys I tended to date weren't up to my standard - because I COULD fix them (or save them, help them, show them who's right), I was going to make them become my standard.  My goodness, when I look back at me now...

how embarrassing. 

I did care for my boyfriends, for the most part they weren't like bad guys.  But how selfish, arrogant, ignorant, and just flat out immature of me to think I could fix someone else.

I was so broken.

Chapter 16 - What I Thought Would Fix Me Didn't

I really was broken, and the more that I found cracks in myself the more I wanted to fix other people.  You know, because THEY were the one with the problem.  Right?

Wrong.

Finally when I was shattered by a group of people who loved me deeply, is when I realized (and it took longer than I want to admit) that the only person I should be fixing, is well, myself. The only way to fix myself was through Jesus.

Through Jesus I had better standards to hold myself accounted for.  I had a more pure perspective that I am loved unconditionally, regardless of my past brokenness and sin.  I had to believe and take ownership in calling myself a Christian.


I no longer am a fixer but an avenue to being fixed.  I have a passion for people.  I want people to love other people.  I want people to love themselves.  I want people to think like Jesus (and use common sense).  I want people to learn from my mistakes and know they are not alone.  Because of my passion, I still listen to those who need to talk, I still encourage those who are down, I still take food to people, check on people, write cards to people. But now I do it because of Jesus.

I no longer look at people as needing me to fix them.  

I look at people as needing me to love them. 

I can't believe who I was 5, 10, 15 years ago.   If you knew me before Jesus transformed me.  I am really sorry.  I am sorry for the hurtful things I have said or did or didn't do.

Because I love you, please stop being in the intolerable waiting period.  You know how terrifying it is to stand on a train track and know that you won't survive once hit - your anxiety heightens as you wait for the train; every little sound makes you jump in fear.   Don't be waiting for the next rejection, the next worry, anxiety attack.  Anticipating fear is letting the enemy win and not being filled by God's love, mercy, grace and peace.  

Because I love you, please don't let others try to fix you.  Don't let things, items, events, situations try to fix you.  Be filled by God's love, mercy grace and peace.

If you look for rejection, you will find it.  

"Rejection never has the final say.  Rejection may be a delay or distraction or even a devastation for a season.  But it's never a final destination.  I'm destined for a love that can't ever be diminished, tarnished, shaken, or taken.  With You, Jesus, I'm forever safe.  I'm forever accepted.  I'm forever held.  Completely loved and  always invited in." Page 209 Uninvited Lysa Terkuerst

**********************************

Here we are, at the end of this "Uninvited" journey.  I hope that those of you reading my blog were entertained, pulled in, loved on.   I want you to realize that you are not alone in life.  If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask.

You are loved.
You are not alone.

I tried - to run away [Chapter 15]

Chapter 15 - I Want to Run Away

So.  Here's the deal, I am a very blunt person.  And this chapter, well, it was 'eh.    I felt like I was re-reading chapter 14.    Chapter 14 was talking about the in-between stage of rejection and redemption while chapter 15 is talking about why we shouldn't run away.  So do people run-away before, during, or after the in-between?  Maybe I just felt like this chapter was out of place.

I also have a hard time using emotions to justify choices.  Facts, information, data, and numbers are how I tend to make my observations and decisions.  So, when faced with rejection I don't run away, I take confrontation and want to see it be turned into a transformation.    Does that sound cocky?  I mean this in the best way that I can,  my emotions don't tend to get in my way.  

I am not perfect.

Chapter 15 does talk about how countless people in the Bible run away and how Jesus never does. Instead of running away we are to, like 14, turn to God.  He is the only one that can fix the situation, or how we perceive the situation.  

Maybe, instead of running away we should run towards Him?!   Our identity is supposed to be in Christ.  So when we allow a situation to define us, and lose our identity, we are  running in the wrong direction.   

Everyone in this world is fighting a battle - some might appear to be bigger than others.  These battles were never meant to label us, they were meant to teach us, help us learn.   

Olive Tree Truths:
1) To be a successful person we have to have both difficult times and times of peace.  Like the olive tree, that needs dry hot winds from the east and rainy life bearing winds from the west.     We can not grow and change without both the challenging and calm winds. 

2) Olives are gross if ate straight from the branch.  It takes times, is a process, like a science to transform them into something edible.  And as we go through the process of rejection to healing, it will take time.  It is the only way for us to overcome bitterness and no longer have a pit. 

3) Olive oil is made from being pressed - not crushed.   God will never crush us, but He will press us to be stronger, He will press us to extract what needs to leave.

I tried to run away - but it only brought more hurt and confusion.  Don't run away, rise above.


Listen to:  Who Am I by Casting Crowns

I tried - making it through the in between [Chapter 14]

Time heals all wounds.
There are worse things in life.
It can't be that bad.
Just keep living life.
Look for the good.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Chapter 14 - Moving Through the Desperate In-Between

Rejection.  It happens and far too often.  Sometimes it is perceived, made up, projected, forced, snatched, necessary, protection - but rejection happens.

So what do you do when you are just there.

In-between. 

In-between what happened to you and what happens next. 

In-between what happened in the past and what is the future.

In-between what happened with you and what can happen with your voice in the  choice. 

In-between, acknowledging that rejection happened but not being passed it. 

That place where you seem to just be asking on loop, "what do I do now?"

The in-between is not an easy place to be, I have been there.  I was there a few months after a bad break up.  I was there for several months while healing from a group shut-out.  I was there for a few years after my husbands and I's struggles.  No matter how long I was in the in-between, I always made it to the other side.  

If allowed

If accepted

the in-between can be the best part of the rejection.  This time is of crucial choice making.  The quicker we embrace the in-between the quicker we tend to heal. We should not run from rejection but embrace it; it has something to offer and empower us with.       

We have an enemy (see chapter 12) and he wants us to be in pain and suffering.  He wants us to feel the absence of healing.  If we wait around in the in-between he will slowly win the battles.  

Our views become more warped.
Our pride seeps in, getting in the way.
Our anger gets a tighter grip on us. 

Page 174 states: We think we are freeing ourselves from the pain when, in reality, what numbs us imprisons us.  If we avoid the hurt, the hurt creates a void in us.  It slowly kills the potential for our hearts to fully feel, fully connect, fully love again.  It allows the rejection of a person to steal the best potential from every other relationship we desperately want and need.  

I am not asking you to stop feeling pain; pain is a reminder that something is about to be transformed. 

When a butterfly morphs out of it's cocoon, do you think it needs extra strength, that it needs to struggle and push through until it's new beautiful wings are freed?

Rejection is the opportunity to change.  

The in-between is the highway to the change.  

Inviting God into our lives is the vehicle we use to travel the in-between.

We need God's closeness.  And the only way to get close to anything is by making a move.

Move - pray
Move - read scripture
Move - journal
Move - sit, process, be filled with peace

Move closer to God. 

Ask him to be your neighbor.
Ask him to be that comfort.
Ask him to give you more strength than you need.
Ask him.

As you are moving closer to God, HE is moving you closer to the other-side of the in-between.

"Never Once" by Matt Redman - listen here


*****

God,
Today, and odd day.  So many strong women in my life are needing prayer.  They have questions, they are over whelmed, they are sick physically, they are drained emotionally, and they need you.  You know their names, and you know their hearts even better.  Just be with them and let them be filled with your love and help them move to the other side of the in-between.

I tried - messes [Chapter 13]

Do you have children?  Have you been around children - almost any age will do?  Have you ever put down your electronic and watch them make the messes you so wish they wouldn't.   The smile in their eyes, the smile ON their face.

They.

Are.

Having.
Fun.

When did we loose that passion to enjoy everything around us?  When did we outgrow messes (not counting the messy bun - rock that as long as we can).  When did we stop having simple joy in our hearts?

I want to enjoy the messes again. 

Chapter 13 - Miracles in the Mess

Now, this chapter title alone caught my attention.  Messes.  Eww.  My OCD alarms are out of control.  How can we possibly enjoy messes, let alone find miracles in them?  I spend a majority of my time home sweeping and re-sweeping - for I missed a spot, or Gideon just came in from outside; bringing in all the dirt our backyard holds.  Or I will be playing with the boys and reminded them to pick up after themselves or  I now showing Soren (often) how to put the books back on the shelf when he's done "reading."

Kids like to make messes, but they are enjoying  life.  

When our focus is on the mess we might miss the miracle.  

As a teacher I want  application.  Here's some data, but what do we do with it.  I want to change things, be more efficient, find the best way to achieve our goals.  So when Lysa wrote, "Inspiration and information without personal application will never amount to transformation" on page 165 I was thrilled.    

"Resisting God's promises will make us forget God's presence." was one of my favorite lines from this chapter on page 166.  When we focus on the mess, the to-do list, the "sigh" moments, the times that we get upset over spilled milk (seriously, why do we cry when we can clean it up).  We are missing out on God and pushing him away.

The more that we pause, the more that we rest, the more that we look for those smiling moments is when we start to see God appear and intervene.

Information - Have I sought out God's truth regarding the situation

Application - Have I applied God's truth without compromise to the situation

Transformation - Do I now own this truth as a personal revelation from God to use in future situations like this. 

The next time your life seems to be a mess; like the pile of unfolded laundry screaming at you.  Sit, BE STILL, and take God's information, apply it, and be transformed by it.  

I tried - to fight the enemy [Chapter 12]

I am a fighter.  I am loyal to a fault. By nature, words are my choice weapon.  I was the child who would back-talk their parents.  I was the peer who was sly on what to say and when  to say.    My dad always thought I'd be a lawyer; I had so much passion, drive, I was quick witted and quick tempered. I was committed and would stand my ground, even if I knew I was wrong.  I would not back down.  I wanted to fight for the lack of justice in the my life and later in the world.

So, I became a teacher.

Chapter 12: The Enemy's Plan Against You

This chapter has been sprinkled throughout the book.  That when we accept rejection, perceived or snatched, we are a pawn in the Enemies plan or game.  When we fight with friends and loved ones, another piece of the kingdom is torn down.    When we allow for hurt to take up residence in our heart for far too long, the lack of the eviction notice makes the enemy smile.  

"The Devil is vicious but is not victorious."  Page 151

The enemy wants us to focus our needs, wants, and desires to be filled by worldly things.  If we are not being filled up by God's love, mercy, kindness, and grace we are being filled by worldliness.    The further we are from God the less our relationship with him can grow and the closer the enemy gets to winning.    

Crave:
The devil comes after us by wanting us to feel empty, he wants us to crave other physical pleasures, from sex to food to drugs to money and status.  If we are craving something other than  God, the enemy is after us.     JESUS PROMISES that we are filled by God.  He provides, protects and plans. 

Lust:
The devil wants us to feel deprived so that we will desire the world around us.  That through our fleshly desires we will be lacking rejection. Mark 8:36 states, what good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose his soul?  JESUS PROMISES that we can live sacred or secret lives.  If we are living secret lives, we are being ate alive from the inside.  

Boast:
The devil wants us to use tools from the world to make our rejections feel more like success.  It was interesting to see the different emotions people felt while on social-media.  JESUS PROMISES that when He is with us, we have nothing to fear.   He wants us to praise Him, to glorify Him, to honor Him.  

Testing God is what the enemy wants.  

Trusting God is what the kingdom needs. 

Are you a fighter?

What or who are you fighting for?

How do you start your day?
What has your focus most of the day?

I tried to fight the enemy, but  I am weak. 

Live loved so the enemy doesn't stand a chance.  

If you are in the middle of the battle - listen to Mandisa's "Overcomer" and remember how strong you are! If you need prayer, please ask.  

God - the enemy is strong.  The closer we get to you, the more we are going to feel pull from outside forces.  Be with those who are going through spiritual battles all over this globe.  You hold each of us in the palm of your hand.  Thank you for the gift you have given me; and please be with me that I can love others and build your kingdom here.  

 

I tried - to remember all 10 things [Chapter 11]

I wan't going to start out this blog with some wordy introduction or story.  But then I realized; let's get real.

This week was REAL.

It was real surprising
It was real inspiring
It was real tiring
It was real overwhelming
It was real crying
It was real laughing
It was real in teaching moments, mom moments, failure moments, even alone moments - but in a good way.

I was able to meet with a wonderful woman and talk about a future ministry opportunity that I was honored to be asked to help with.   Let the praying begin!  Then we got Max, an adorable PUPPY - he lasted 3 days - I had a huge melt down/anxiety attack.  I got to see joy in the faces of two of my students who have been working extremely hard.  I got to hug a student who asked me to pray for her grandpa.  I got to rejoice with a student who's little brother was just born.  I got to get "real" and break down some walls with some students. I got to read books with both of my boys.  I got to sing, play, and eat dinner with my kiddos' friends - listening to 4 and 5 year old conversations is, well, enlightening.   It's been a real week.  It's been a solid week of panic and peace, rejoice and rejection.

----->  Let's go <-----

Chapter 11: Ten Things You Must Remember When Rejected

Yes, 10 things. This chapter might be the most lengthy one.  After glancing over it, I literally wrote in my journal "let's go"   like this was something I need to attack.  But it was a quick read, with lots of things to remember; for real.  

"Together is a great way to press through something you're afraid could make you feel a bit undone." Page 127, although not one of Lysa TerKuerst reminders, it's a good reminder for me, and I think for you dear reader.  We are not doing this alone.  

When panic replaces peace is when we let our rejections consume us. 

1. One rejection is not a projection of future failures.   We must take God's promises and speak them into ourselves.  Replace the negative and turn it into a positive.    I am thankful for this reminder as I felt like a major failure to my children and rejected because I wasn't wonder woman and puppy trainer.   One must pick super-hero power; puppy patience was not it.  

2. Rejection doesn't label you, it enables you to adjust and move on.   This is a great reminder that I remember first hearing about a few years ago.  Where is your identity? If we look towards God to find who we are, rejection will not consume us.  Rejection is realistically a normal part of life; it's how we use it that determines our label.  

3. This could be an invitation to live in expectation of something else.  As I mention I live a pretty full life.  But it needs to be filled with God appointments.  These appointments can be by serving people, connecting and encouraging others, or just time alone to reflect and grow.   Being rejected an invitation to a party might be an attention grabber to expect something else.    We must wait and trust.  

4. There is usually some element of protection wrapped in every rejection.  This goes back to chapter nine; that we are not being set apart/outcast-ed but we are being set aside for something else/different.   God knows.  He knows.  He knows how to protect and provide for us.  So, let's let him do his job.  

5. It's good to ask the "what" questions but less helpful to ask "why."  "What" questions are allowing us opportunities to grow; while "why" questions are more about our own personal control.  The why questions allow for pride and insecurity to whisper subtle lies that we begin to believe.  

6. Don't hash, bash, or trash, on the internet.  Remember the internet never forgets.   People need to learn to heal privately, not with the rest of media.  This does not mean you have to be alone through whatever the situation is; you need to make sure to keep a few close friends that will be there for you no matter what and call you out when you are being a bit much.    What pains me is when I see people bashing, trashing other people and they claim to be Christians.  Remember, everyone is watching.  Let them see Jesus.

7. There's much more to you than the part was rejected.    Not much to add to this statement.  We are worth  more than a single moment in time.  Look at the big picture.    Just like in the second reminder - look to Jesus to find your identity and speak truth into yourself.

8. What one person sees you as a liability, another might see you as a wonderful asset.  We can do the same thing for two different groups of people; but its all about perception and how others view us.   If you are mature in how you use your God given gifts, then you will be placed in the role He created for you.  Just remember the difference between be conceited, confident, and clueless.  Your gifts can always be used for positive or negative.

9. This is a short term set back, not a permanent condition.    Pottery comes in two forms.  There is the fired, hard, very fragile.  Then there is the soft, can be molded, comforting.    Is this rejection going to linger around, continue to form cracks, and eventually break you?  Or are you going to be more like clay and allow us to be molded and grow from this opportunity?

10. Don't let this heart break destroy you.  Let this breaking actually be the making of you.  Let God use it in Good ways to make you stronger and take you further.     This goes along with number nine.  This rejection should not destroy and consume you.  God doesn't pull back, but he pulls you closer.   I would not be the person I am today if it was not the rejection, pain, suffering, and moments of total isolation that I have faced to make me stronger.

Lots of great reminders.  If you are like me, remembering all 10 of these things is a lot.  That's why this is titled "I tried to remember all 10 things" - for it's not easy.

Let's start with a foundation, umbrella of all of these.

Are you loved?  Yes.
Yes you are.  Remember that.

Listen to Matt Redman's "Your Grace Finds Me"..... sing....remember.... "So I'm breathing in Your grace, and breathing out Your praise, I'm breathing in Your grace, forever I'll be." 

I tried - not being threaten [Chapter 10]

If I told you that I have never been threatened by another female, I would be the biggest liar.  From coworkers, sister, even friends, to strangers, to past girlfriends my husband had, even the stranger at the gym, or the unknown name applying for the same position – we have all be threatened before.  

Chapter 10 – Her Success Does Not Threaten Mine

This might have been one of the better chapters for my hyper-competitive self.  It offered a lot of reflection.

When we reject ourselves we are minimizing God and maximizing our weakness and our weakest spot.  The enemy wants us to be torn apart, so we are weak.  The enemy wants us to fight against each other, making his job easy.  The enemy wants us to look at others in envy, and not build them up in praise.  

Our thoughts lead to our words, and even the most effective filter doesn’t catch everything.  Our words, thoughts, and actions are the best display of our soul and it’s purity or lack thereof.  

Let’s talk about pie.  Do you believe that the there is only one pie and if someone takes a slice, it is gone forever. It was TAKEN from you?  Or do you believe that you are sitting in a bakery where there is abundant amounts of pies; where like the Baker, God has plenty to give – more than enough for everyone.  His Love is abundant love – it can fill us up (you know, like good pie)!  

Once we switch from the one slice of pie mind-set to the sitting in a bakery mind-set; is when we can stop living in fear of others and we can start processing life out of abundant love. 

So how do we start living abundant lives?  We serve others pie.   If we know we live in a bakery with lots of pie, let’s serve it to others.  Oh what a happy place that would be.  Like Oprah on her episode of favorite things; Pie for you, Pie for you, Pie for me and you and you.   And can you imagine if we served pie without calories!  OH Glory to him.   

When we are serving others pie we are blessing them.     While praying and asking for help to bless and serve others we can ask God to:
1) To bless them.  (2 Corinthians 9:8)
2) To see them succeed (Philippians 2:4)
3) To remember that we are all on the same team (Luke 10:2)

When we serve others, bless them, rejoice in their success, and play for the same team is when we can stop living in fear, stop feeling threaten and truly help build the kingdom. 

"There is an abundant need in this world for your exact brand of beautiful."

God,
As I Pray for these women around the world reading this today.  I pray that we can all be humble and remember how beautiful we are.  That we do not have to be threaten in our looks, achievements, relationships; any status we put on ourselves should be one from God - we are loved, perfect and wonderfully made.  I ask that I can be a better server of your pie.  God, I personally ask for permission to be reminded to make myself less than  others.  God, you are so good, and I thank you for all that you have done.  

**Tunes to Play**  I need the every hour - Mormon tabernacle choir. 

I Tried – Receiving Rejection [Chapter 9]

I have had three life changing rejections, events, situations that truly altered the way that I am today.  From a past boyfriend, to a failing marriage, to a group of friends removing themselves from being around me.   One of the first things I would do was cry out “God, why me!?”  

Chapter 9 – Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much?  

When we are rejected, why is that we question God’s goodness?   Do we think we are so humble that we can request ideas and make suggestions to the almighty creator?  Like, really….who do we think we are? 

I found it really fascinating that on page 105 she talked about a study that showed that emotional pain is received by our brain as actual physical pain.   That when patients were given Tylenol the hurt from a broken heart was numbed. 

(A little off subject, but I am curious if this is why drugs are so “needed” by many; used to mask actual emotional/hurt…. Because without God, they miss the opportunity to receive from rejection)

Even in those deep moments when we start pleading with God and asking “why me?” and starting to really think that we just simply aren’t good enough, God is at work.   He is working his almighty plan even when we feel passed over. 

You aren’t set aside; you are set apart, page 108.     Once we humble ourselves (1 Peter 5:6) is when God can truly show us what he has been working on this entire time. 

Lysa states on page 110 that rejection offers gifts that God can work in our lives, if we allow it.  They are gifts of humility.

1) The GIFT of being made less.   Just stop, right there – I don’t care for less, unless we are talking about my current weight – than less is great.  Or maybe messes or poopy diapers.  But I really can’t stand feeling less than others, looked over, left out, less than.   BUT when we come humble to God and receive the gift of being made less, something wonderful happens……. Wait for it…… we receive him MORE.  Less of us = more of God.  Who doesn’t want more God?  By sitting on the bench during this game, called our life, allows God to make the correct play.  We can see what God has been working on.  

2) The GIFT of being lonely.  Now, honestly, even as an introvert there is lonely and then there is LONELYY.  I enjoy my alone time.   I get to sit, reflect, be still, go slow, and enjoy nature, and have time with God.  I look forward to being an "antique" one day so I can have more ‘self care’ time.  But when we are rejected, the last thing people want, even some introverts, is to be left alone.  We were made for community, to be around people, to serve, help and love people.   BUT when we come humble to God and receive the gift of being lonely we are able to recognize Jesus.  It’s like a mirror.  When we recognize and acknowledge our loneliness its like looking loneliness in the mirror, instead of seeing ourselves sad and broken, we can see Jesus and all his love and glory. 

3) The GIFT of silence. For us to LISTEN we have to be SILENT.    As humans we listen with the intent to speak.  We don’t really listen.  This is the gift that might be most commonly over looked.  Like at that birthday when you got clothes, although a necessity, a gift often over looked by kids - unless you don't have clothes.  BUT when we come humble to God and receive the gift of being silent is when we can hear God’s plan for us.  Hear God’s reminder “you are loved.”  “You are mine.”  "You are a necessity."

Do these gifts sound wonderful to receive?  We can only receive these gifts from rejection when we humble ourselves and we have to be humble through FORGIVENESS.  Page 115 makes an excellent point.

God made us For Giving
God made you For Giving
God made me For Giving

Being humbly rejected is the perfect opportunity to allow us to forgive one another; for we are forgiven.  Let us Rejoice in these gifts given by God. 

Rejection is not being set aside, but being set apart.  God has a plan, his plan includes protecting and loving us.  What if what we were wanting to happen was taken because God was stopping a burden from entering our lives? 

Looking back at my weakest moments, crying out to God “why me”  was me being a bratty kid at my birthday; I was not wanting to receive God’s gifts' those necessities.  I was not wanting to be set apart.   Through my three biggest rejections, I can now say, God had a greater plan and I am thankful for that.

The hurt from the boyfriend – God protected me, allowing me to grow.  I now have a story to be transparent about while connecting with other women in similar situations.  I was set aside, for bigger stories.  

The hurt from a failing marriage – was a plan for God to move our family into ministry.  Seven years ago we were trying to mend a marriage; now we are planning for my husband to graduate a Christian College and look for a full-time position in a church – we were set aside, not looked over.

The hurt from a group of friends – they were not only protecting themselves, but my heart had to be transplanted and shattered to allow God in and repair me.  I was not being replaced, I was being used in his great plan.

I tried receiving rejection – and even if it took time, even  if I wasn’t humble at first, God always had a great plan.

I think I should sit the bench more. 

I tried - finding perfection [Chapter 8]

As a teacher I have the privilege of working with 136 students every day.  Probably more if you count all the past students I encounter in the hallways, or students from other classes that need help, or the students who need some extra love and come see me two or even three times a day, just to say "hi."

As a teacher I have the honor to work with some of the best teachers I know; I even get to have our 15 minute lunch with some of them!

As a teacher we have to remember that every person is different.

As a teacher, there is no perfect.

Well, there are perfect storms.

Chapter 8 - The Corrective Experience 

Chapter 7 and 8 could have been written together.  But I believe that Lysa wanted to break it up, what could have been a lengthy chapter, into a before and after.  A cause and effect.  A then and now. An old and new.

She continues to tell the story about Abigail (1 Samuel 25) and how Abigail did "me too" right.

As a teacher  one of the best things I have learned wasn't something I learned in PLC or that I derived from looking at endless amounts of data; but I learned though observation.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone has gifts and areas which need improvement.

At the start of the chapter, on page 90, Lysa writes that different people cause difficult situations unless both parties determine to discuss them equally and fairly.

People are, well, people.
We make mistakes
We cause errors
We need forgiveness
We need grace.
People are, well, people.

"Relationships don't come in packages of perfection;
relationships come in packages of potential." 

The above is a great quote. Because,

People are, well, people.
We can say sorry for our mistakes.
We can fix errors
We can ask for forgiveness
We can give grace
People will always be people.

What do you do when  you realize you are  working with people.  What do I do when working with over hundreds of students and teachers every day? What do I do when I see somebody's child more than I see my own?

We have to share stories.  We have to relate.  We have to be a people.

Lysa talks about "Me too" and how powerful that statement can be.  Abigail used it in chapter 25 of Samuel when she talks to the king.    "Me too" is different than "you should" (defensive) and  "you could" (preachy/teachy).  By saying "met too" lets the PEOPLE around you know that you are  a PEOPLE too.

Now, there is a difference between acknowledging the person and their story without having to join them.  You can identify with their hurt, have empathy, without having to agree with them or their situation.
Do you have that friend, that co-worker, maybe even that student, who sometimes talks to talk, or sometimes seems "dramatic" - have you really LISTENED?  Through all of those sad songs there is truth, there is their story.  They are not wanting a pitty party (unless they are totally narcissistic); they are wanting to be acknowledged, they want someone to say "me too" and to feel invited back into the human race.

Do you want to be heard?
Do you want to be accepted?
Do you want to be invited?
Do you want to be loved?

We all do!

Because we are all people, and well, we live in a not-so-perfect world.

But what if you are not the one doing the listening and the one doing the talking?

It really struck me, the over achiever, type-A, wonder woman, ISTJ, do it because it has to be done person -----> "No amount of outside achievements fixes inside hurt" page 98

WAIT.  Are you telling me, that no matter what I DO, I CAN'T FIX ME??

No, you don't have to!  That's the beauty.  We can be broken, but we are loved.  We can be unwanted, but we are needed.  We can be poor, but we are rich.  We can be lonely, but be full.

We have to allow God to heal our unwanted-ness, our brokenness, our loneliness to be able to move forward.  It's not by works, but by faith.

Is it true that God made people in his image?
Is it true that God is good?
Is it true that all people, whom are made in the image of God, are good?

If you answered yes, then you have to include yourself.

When we speak to people we have to speak to them as the children of God that they are.  We can not speak OR listen to people based off of their actions.  

Because,
People are, well, people.

So, as you go throughout your day, are you part of the problem or are you part of the solution?  You have to make a point to make progress.
We don't live in a perfect little world with perfect relationships. We live in a world full of potential. 

I tried finding perfection.  I tried creating my own false reality, my own perfect  world.  And  as a people, I failed.  But when I remember who is really in charge.  My imperfect world started to be the most perfect fit to the brokenness.

You are loved.
Live like it. =]


***For those of you who need some new tunes, check out what's been playing in my head:

Forever by Chris Tomlin
Lose My Soul by TobyMac

I tried - running from rejection [Chapter 7]

I tried running from rejection.

Ironically, I now find peace from running; the physical activity.

It's exhausting to run from rejection, pain, and hurt.  

For almost a good decade, I was a hamster on a running wheel of rejection.

No end.  

No stopping. 

No peace. 

No comfort. 

No Jesus.

NOTHING!

Chapter 7 - When Our Normal Gets Snatched

Lysa does a great job describing what rejection was like to her.  She stated that it was like an image that had a person cut out; it leaves a huge gap.  

Unrepairable. 

Broken. 

Pieced. 

Teared. 

Ruined.

She shared the story about Abigail, 1 Samuel 25, and how Abigail, who was married to a 'fool' also learned and taught one of the most powerful messages - as well as earning a major blessing.

We can not embrace God fully while turning away God.  Embracing God also means receiving his grace.

How does one receive grace when you are empty and full of holey-wounds?

Holes are good!  Holes allow for space for grace.

We receive grace when we gift forgiveness.

(First, before I continue with my story, I want you to know that I tend to type facts and lack emotion.  If you ever want to get coffee or e-mail me about my story.  Please ask.)  

My normal was snatched up in 2009.  It was snatched out from under me, without a moment notice.   I got home from work and my husband, of a year, told me that he no longer wanted to be married. This was two days after receiving a love letter that he wrote me upon my arrival home from visiting family.

I went from love letter to considering divorce papers in 48 hours.

There it was, mid-July, everything I was planning for, my normal, was gone.
IT. WAS. GONE.  

You know how some people can pull a table cloth off without any glasses moving? Well he ripped the table cloth out, and every piece of nice china, called our life, came shattering to the floor.   Millions of questions and memories on the floor.  So much confusion and chaos.

There's not enough glue in the world to put me back together.  Us together.

The following months were a whirlwind of events.
I finished my summer classes.
I moved back in with my parents in a different state.
I got a job.
I enrolled in a new college.
I got another job.
I wrote.
And wrote.
Cried.
Prayed.
Replayed everything.

After several months of this whirlwind, God, it was all his doing.  Reconnected us.  He was the glue. We slowly pieced our fine china back together.   It was not an easy road.  But we traveled it.

November 2013 - International Conference on Mission.  We were sitting in on the second part of a series about spiritual war fare and how to over come demons.    Through this I was lead to make a list of past rejections, with one of the major ones was Jeremiah.

I walked out of that room realizing that the only way I could feel His grace was by giving my husband true unconditional forgiveness.  

I forgave him for all the pieces of my life that might not ever fit back together just as I please.  But I praise Jesus for answering my prayers.   I wrote prayers asking God to break my husband.  And while breaking my husband he was repairing our marriage.

Giving forgiveness allows for a pure heart to be filled with grace.  

Page 85 "Her (Abigail) grace doesn't justify her husband or validate David.  It saves her."

It, the act of forgiveness, saved her.

It saves us.

We can not possibly grow while being a victim of our own circumstances.  

Maybe one day I will share the other moment that my normal was snatched; but for now this will do. 

How do you want to live?

Grace or bitterness?
Peace or anger?
Mercy or hatred?
Compassion or resentment?
Victory or victim?

Listen to "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North

"Oh Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'"

Stay tuned for chapter 8 - where we continue this conversation about forgiveness and how to fill our words, like Abigail, with grace and love.