I tried viewing good cop videos

If you have been on facebook lately you will be experiencing what is called tension. Racial tension. Political tension. Freedom tension. 

There are lots of things flooding social media. Government corruption, systematic oppression, democrat vs republic, left vs right, black lives or all lives. It is a lot to take in. Protest, peaceful turned riot. Peaceful, disturbed by a "force". 

When social media starts saturating my feed with conflicting views, I start asking more questions. 

Lately the thing that has been plaguing my mind is why the need to share good cop videos or pictures like: 

photo credit: https://images.app.goo.gl/w26iJeuSM9mvYpPg8

Why are we celebrating something that should be given? You celebrate surprises and miracles and accomplishments. Celebrating good cops... well, is that a miracle or an accomplishment? Or is that them doing what they are supposed to do, their job? 

Do doctors have videos every time they make the correct diagnoses? It's worth celebrating. 
Do teacher get a shout out for every kid that makes a light bulb discovery? It's also worth celebrating.

Doesn't the world just become better from people doing good? Shouldn't these cops be good on and off the camera? It's almost like a participation trophy... or is that just me?

There are good people who don't wear a uniform who do the same things; sit with people, play with kids, help each other.  Because good people make the world a better place.

Are we trying too hard to cover up the fact that we need to change a deep rooted corrupted system?

I am not condoning those who are starting riots and targeting cops. Please do not hear that I am in favor of violence. I am just questioning the motives and the push. By posting so many good cop videos and pictures, to me, is covering up and siding with the injustice of the matter. Hiding the truth.

I am thankful for good cops and systems that strive for justice. I am not trying to condemn those who want to share joy and happiness, I too, like to see the good nature of people. BUT in the moment, with the tension, is this the proper time to celebrate? 

Romans 12:9-21 is my absolute favorite. Just going to leave that right there. 

Covid 19 Brain Spirals

I just told a friend that I tend to spiral when I don't have answers.  My mind will just go and go and can't stop as it is looking for facts, evidence, solutions. I have so many spirals going on right now as new information is constantly being presented and my once normal is now again out of balance. I am pretty confident a tornado would look at me and say "nope, you be crazy."

For COVID 19, here are my 19 spirals that my brain consistently is processing through out each and every day....and some of my own personal conclusions. 

Spiral 1: Am I a mean mom? My brain can not stop this spiral. Although it is one I regularly reflect and think about. Now more than ever, it is in my face, how much yelling I do as I spend 24 hours a day with these creatures. My biggest fear...they won't survive this quarantine with all of their brainless activities.  Example... our 4 year old looking for a new family.... down the road... on his own.  Or, how about our 8 year old going down the zip line... with a spike!  New rule, only ONE BODY on the zip line at a time.  Keeping kids alive is challenging, and now they are stuck at home..... but.... I am not a mean mom. (and my kids are precious, hilarious, creative, sweet and wild humans who are going to learn and be academically ready for the next year).

Spiral 2: Am I a terrible wife? In case you were wondering, one can be kicked out of their own home during shelter in place. They don't have anywhere fun to go; but a spouse who is "asked" to leave can drive around for a bit to cool off.  Prior to this whole pandemic, my husband was gone Thursday through Sunday for work. Can you imagine the shift that must take place in our home as we both reside in it....E V E R Y D A Y  together... regardless.... I am not a terrible wife. (nor is he a bad husband).

Spiral 3: Am I a bad teacher? When I was allowed to go to work I knew and had confidence in my teaching ability. I was excited to share knowledge and watch my high school students turn light bulbs on. But now, it is hard to connect with them. It's a challenge to stop thinking about ... can I do more? How? I do my best and put these kiddos first as if they were my own.... I am not a bad teacher.

Spiral 4: Am I glorifying God? Did I read my Bible enough? Pray for all the people I can think of? Am I participating in church functions as I should? Last week, as I was crying, my oldest gave me a hug, and told me "God is with your wherever you go. Joshua 1:9".  He didn't understand the irony of what he was saying....being the fact that we aren't going anywhere..... my children are learning.... I am glorifying God. (even if it's just "God, please help me!")

Spiral 5: Will my sister be safe? My sister is a doctor. Whether she knows it or not, I am constantly worried about her safety in these conditions. It "plagues" my mind; as she is the mom to three amazing little kiddos. The thought of her being at risk shatters my heart. This spiral, if started, usually ends in tears...... my sister is wise and is using every precaution.... she is safe. She is strong!

Spiral 6: What's for dinner? What's for lunch? Wait... what did we have for breakfast? Having to remember to feed our family, every day, for every meal.... is a major spiral. Or can be. Now, before this whole lock down business, I had the menu planning on lock down, but we had freedom to change it up or pick up last minute items on our way home from work. All I know is that I am so incredibly grateful for the meals provided by our boys' school. Going to pick them up provides routine and a much needed break in our day, plus a fun little trip down the road. This spiral usually doesn't get too far when my husband and I pick out what's for dinner in the morning. A plan is set in place. 

Spiral 7: Am I getting fat? So there is a joke about gaining the Covid 15 (a play off of the freshmen 15) and I am not laughing. Try on your jeans they say..... amazon search jeans.... I have always struggled with my weight, size and being content with my own image. But it seems to be magnified (like my waist) during these uncertain times. I can't run with my sister anymore.... I am at home where the boys like to ask for snacks... whats a small nibble? (hint: it's no longer a nibble when you eat two serving sizes while preparing their food).  The good news..... this spiral is coming to a halt. I am continuing to run (sadly without my sister) and I am in the process to reshape my mindset, hopefully helping me reshape my body.  Although I gained a few pounds in March when this all started, I have been steady. So... no, I am not getting fat! (honestly, who cares!)

Spiral 8: Do I have homework? In January I started my online graduate program! It was manageable with my husband traveling. However, I have discovered I do not like doing homework when he is home. I am constantly having to think about what assignments I need to do or edit, which chapter in our text I need to read, or have I posted to the proper discussion board. Yes, I do have homework. 

Spiral 9: Am I going crazy? My mental health is in a very strange place. I am typically not an emotional person. I've cried like 6 times this week.... okay.... yesterday. I cried like 6 times yesterday. I am trying to get off of this roller coaster. It's odd. At night, it feels almost normal. Spending time with the family, going to bed. And in the morning, there is a brief second that all feels like the world is still spinning correctly. The only thing spinning, my overwhelming desire to be perfect in all of this....which... is not possible. I am not going crazy, but keeping my mental and emotional  health in check is highly recommended.

Spiral 10: When did I shower last? During this social distancing I thought it would a be terrific time to do a social experiment: how long can one go without showering before their children think they smell funnier than them? The answer is 4.  I will let you decided what the 4 represents.... it's also up to you to figure out how much sarcasm is in that statement.  Keeping track of when to shower, if it is necessary for the day, do I have clean underwear... it is a fun mental spiral .... if you can't remember the last time you showered, you probably should. 

Spiral 11: Zoom! Not going to lie. I am going to declare that "Zoom" becomes a grown up word in our house. In the last two weeks I believe we have zoomed a total of 11 times NOT including my husbands meetings and instruction lessons. So we are probably looking at around 30 - 40 something different zoom sessions we have participated in. The answer to my spiral... write them down, set an alarm... and hope for the best.

Spiral 12: Who did __________________ last? Dishes, vacuum, sweep, laundry, cook, wipe down tables, pick up toys, mow the yard, get the mail, take out the trash, feed and water the dog, pay the bills, check the plants........all day long. I am not going to lie, a friend sent me some pictures of her home.... it made me feel better about mine. The benefit of having a "smaller" home and the fact that we live a more minimalist lifestyle, we have less mess. What I am starting to realize, we live here. It's okay if it looks like it. (ps... we don't own a dishwasher if that somehow makes you feel better)

Spiral 14: Am I in the wrong to be upset with people's ignorance and selfishness? There are some pretty far fetched conspiracies going around right now, or being stirred up more. I don't know what's worse, the conspiracies and ignorance or the political bullying and badgering during this time in which we need to be more united? It's sickening how much time I have wasted reading misleading information. Nope, it's okay for me to be upset, it's what I do with my frustration that is key. Learning not to chase rabbits on social media (stop trying to prove everyone wrong) has vastly increased my joy. People will believe what they want, no matter how crazy, mean, or inaccurate it is. I can't control that. I can only control my perception and I want to choose joy. I need to choose joy. 

Spiral 15: Am I doing this right? You know all of those projects I wanted to do.... start a garden..... plant more indoor plants.... paint the shed.... stain the deck.... Or, how about all the books I am going to get to read?! I have to stop my brain from thinking about all these things and truly refocus the spiral into something more productive. It's okay if not everything gets done while I manage the other spirals in my life. Yes, I am doing this right. 

Spiral 16: Am I going to be able to make Easter memorable? Just. Sit. Down. Stop. Thinking. Seriously, why do I let my brain going into these tizzies. Here's the fact... this whole event... will make this Easter memorable, I don't have to do anything, it's done for me!

Spiral 17: Am I writing enough letters, making enough phone calls, marco polos, texts? I want to take care of people. When I start thinking of too many people that I want to communicate or connect with I will just start writing their names down and in my free time reach out to them. If you are reading this (and personally know me) and I have not contacted you, I am sorry. With around 140 students in addition to family, it's a lot to take care of. I have tried writing cards, sending encouraging messages on Instagram, making goodies for neighbors, all of it. I am doing enough.

Spiral 18: Do people think or care about me as much as I think and care about them? This is when my brain spirals in reverse of the above..... who I take care of becomes who is taking care of me? This spiral might be the most dangerous! It is something I think about a lot. See.... I have trust issues. I have abandonment issues. I have friendship or maintaining relationship issues. I have control issues. I have fear of missing out issues. I am always looking for a deep connection; yet, I tend to drown people when I try to take them too deep. I question why my "friends" on facebook don't like a picture or video... yet comment on someone else's stuff.... it's a dangerous spiral that number 18.  First, if you have read this entire blog. Thank you, please let me know by leaving me a comment. Maybe this post was too long, so you scrolled to the bottom and read this part, but you've read my blog before... cool and thanks! If I have recently told you how much you mean to me, know that I truly have thought it. A LOT. Thank you for loving me, reaching out to me, not giving up on me. I know who you are and I hope you know who you are too. 

Spiral 19: I don't know if you actual read this or caught this intentional mistake ... but I only made 18 brain spirals. Well...if you count thinking about one less spiral as a brain spiral of it's self. (Anyone else tired of the "math problems" with pictures). This virus doesn't deserve the best of me. It doesn't deserve all of my mental energy and time.

Let me know what your brain spirals are. How are you dealing with challenging times?

Be safe. Live loved.

I tried to be better but got lost.

I had the goal that I was going to write more this new year.  Yet, it's May 23 and I have not posted since the start.

I write best for me when I am passionate and honest about something (even if it's just my life).  However, for several months I felt like a fake... unsure of life.  I have some major trust issues.   So, I couldn't write.  Nothing made sense to write about.  Where do I start with the pain?  How do I address the confusion?  How do I explain that when moving last year I lost myself but also gained a new sense of who I am.

It's been a crazy few days... well weeks.. I guess months.

My family and I are relocating back to what we call home.  Our boys are thrilled.  I am thrilled and nervous (more to come) - but thankful the process of settling is almost over.

Here was our crazy itenary.   Have you been there.... where you look back and you are like... .we survived.

Wednesday 5/15 we (okay my husband and a friend) packed the uhaul truck and I packed vans after work and we stayed at a friends house.
Thursday 5/16 after work I drove to meet my family and start to unpack our house.
Friday 5/17 in the afternoon my husband and I drove 3.5 hours away for his Master's graduation party at his professor's house (so lovely). 
Saturday 5/18 Jeremiah graduates with his Masters in Entrepreneurial and Innovation degree...with....honors!  I couldn't be more proud and yet feel so terribly by the fact that we did not celebrate more.   We drove the 4 hours back home, picked up our boys, and we went to two birthday parties!
Sunday 5/19 we go to church, unpack some more and I leave to drive 2 hours back to where we were located to finish teaching. 
Monday 5/20 school day went well.  I am house sitting all by myself and the tornado sirens go off.  I have no TV and clueless to what is happening.   I eventually get some rest.
Tuesday 5/21 the tornado sirens go off again at 6 in the morning, I sleep for an hour in the bathroom floor and get a call that our school has been delayed by an hour due to the weather.  That night we get a call not to worry about the river, that all will be find.
Wednesday 5/22 in the middle of the day we get an email that our school is out 2 days early due to flood waters.  Kids start going crazy (even though they have 2 hours of school left).  The fire alarm was pulled at least 15 times by students and their reckless choices.  I get to the house I am staying at and start walking the dog when the sirens go off again.  After about 3 hours of sirens going on and off, bits and pieces of time in the bathroom reading to Roland (the sweet doggie) I start getting news that tornadoes are happening close to where my family has relocated and that one touched down about 1/4 mile from our house. 
Thursday 5/23 I find out that all of my friends, family and prior students are safe throughout the two states and some loved ones do have damage to their houses.  Go to our school meeting and discover that I have to continue to fulfill my contract and remain at school today, tomorrow and come back on Tuesday after memorial day.  Currently the flood alarms near the school are sounding as they have been closing roads as they flood.

That's my week guys.  I was going to find R.E.S.T this week.  Nope.

So here I am.  My family and I in another transition, 2 hours apart in crazy weather, and I finally feel like I can be honest in my words again.

I haven't been on facebook in a while.  What started out as a lent activity turned into more. I began to not miss it.  I deleted the app from my phone and would spend maybe 10 minutes a day on my lunch checking for any important dates and events.  I also enjoyed the memories (my kids are getting too big too fast).  But in the end.. what's the point of it?

While I have been away from facebook I have discovered who is intentional with me.  Who checks in on me and sees how I am doing (for you friends, I am thankful).  I am thankful for the family that helped us pack and unpack - you are amazing and I love you all for that (and mowing our yard!!).

But as I was away from facebook I was also able to realize how nice it was not to have to 'fake' being me anymore.    I felt like a liar when I didn't/couldn't tell people the reality of us moving.   I hated when people would tell me that they were excited that we were moving back but never checked on us, probably will never read this, and were not there for a difficult and challenging year.   I didn't feel authentic to those around me as I knew this wasn't permanent and just wanted to make the best of it.

Maybe once a month I will post pictures of the kidds (for those boys are too darn cute).   Maybe I still start blogging more about my own life and not just "hot topics".   Maybe I will find myself enjoying life too much  and just dump all technology!   Just stop by my house to come say hi.  Who knows.

To be honest, I am scared for the next chapter.  I accepted a teaching position back in March for highschool!!  I have always taught (and enjoyed) middle school and excited for the newness that comes with this position.   But need to find rest first this summer. 

I want to choose joy - honestly.  I want to face this emptiness that has been in me for a while and replace with overflowing love and desire for everything I encounter.

I want to be real and authentic and intentional with my people, and thankful for those who do the same.

This next chapter is what we were led to do, and it was difficult leaving the first time, but we know it was necessary and good all the same.

So even though I wasn't able to say goodbye (officially) to my students this year among the chaos, I hope they know how much they are loved.

Okay... I am rambling.... I have lost my skill to process.

Maybe it's the flood sirens ringing....

Maybe it's my mind swinging...

I think it might be time to go walk Roland again.

I tried to {FOCUS} on ONE

Current tunes: Hold it Down by Moosh and Twist

I am a one.  Yup,  numero uno.

(Correction, I think I am a one.... I am currently reading The Road Back To You... and I might actually not be a 1)

In all seriousness, according to the Enneagram, I am a 1 wing 2.   A '1' is the "reformer" but with a wing of '2' I become the "advocate"....

My husband has been studying the Enneagram for almost a year now for his master's program.  Then months later it started to become part of conversations with peers and friends.. the bandwagon... maybe...

However, I enjoy learning more about who I am and what makes me 'tick' - if I better understand my self then maybe, just maybe, I can help others to better understand me too.

Some quotes (and trigger words) that I couldn't stop nodding yes to:
"They are teacher, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake."
"They typically have problems with resentment and impatience."
"...triggering Ones' abandonment issues - and more anger and criticism."
"They strive after "higher values," even at the cost of great personal sacrifice."
"....they also typically feel that they have to justify their actions to themselves..."
"They are people of instinct and passion who use convictions and judgements to control and direct themselves and their actions."
"(level 9, the lowest of 'healthy') severe depression"
"It is easy for you to work yourself up into a lather about the wrongdoings of others."
"...do not expect others to change immediately...."
"They will try to solve problems in the relationship by discussing the issues involved since neither likes emotionally charged bickering or unresolved issues."

I probably should have just said... Hey, go read this.. and this... and the whole blog/book about it.

For once, I feel like someone might truly understand me.  It's weird.  They are in my head.

Sleeping At Last created songs for each of the 9 Enneagram types.  I encourage you (as the teacher type) to start learning about yourself for the new year, dive deep.  Take your time.  Soak up the words.  Open your heart, even just a crack.  Or at least check out Sleeping At Last.

I think 2019 will be a great year of discovering more about this.  I am INTJ women (and this one is good too..oh, and this ... last one by a different writer). So now, to learn more about OneWingTwo ♥

Now, not to get ahead of myself; but maybe my word for 2020 (eww, that date is weird) should be GRACE.  Apparently it is what Ones need to FOCUS on =]

Drop a comment: do you like learning about yourself?  Do you find assessments helpful or restricting?