Thank you. I have needed you for some time. I needed you without even knowing it was you, or the idea of a mentor. I needed you more than I realized.
See, I feel as if I am in a weird spot in the church. I don't feel like I belong. I did not grow up in the church that we are going to, so my roots are more shallow than others. I did not attend the Christian college, as my husband and friends did, feeling as I orbit their social circle. I have a "worldly" job... I mean ministry... ahh, whatever teaching is these days, which does not allow a lot of time to do do "mom" things or minister to others. It's weird for I have a loving mom and great friends, but I am missing...
I need guidance spiritually.
I need wisdom that challenges me.
I need patience, strength, calm, investment.
I need cared for.
I need you.
As I currently write you, my family is going through a season of transition. A time of reflection and re-centering our lives back to God's plan. A time of waiting to see what is in store. Prior to this season I had directly asked several (4) women to be my mentors, and asked handful of other women to just hang out - but it always falls through. Some of these women graciously turned me down with positive answers. Some didn't really have the time, respectively.
But I truly, prayerfully plead for someone to reach my hand and say "it is I that will get coffee with you! Listen. Talk. Pray. Check-in. Invest." Okay, you don't have to talk like that. I promise.
Mentoring is an odd topic to talk about in the church. Sometimes it happens organically, very natural. Other times it is forced. I pray that whomever gets paired with me, it is a relationship that happens naturally, God driven.
See, I am a mess. To my peers, it might appear that I am put together. Got all the answers. Life is grand. But, I am human. Just as my blog title states, I am trying. Honestly, I don't know what I am doing from day to day. Grasping at straws.
I know once this season of transition changes, there might be more time and opportunity for investment.
A few weeks ago I was talking to an older lady about my parents helping take care of my children as we were at a conference she said "at least you have your parents, we always lived so far from family." I just wanted to respond with, "but you had the church. You had people come to you and watch your kiddos to give you a break. Bring you a meal. Pray with you. Call you to see how you were. Being a mother is hard. Working in a church is hard." But I just acknowledged the truth that I am thankful that we are currently close living to my family.
A year ago I had a friend talk about how she doesn't have many deep relationships or mentors and how she wishes her mom lived closer. Yet, in the same conversation I could count on two hands the older women in her life. ASKING to babysit her new baby. ASKING to clean her house or offer help. ASKING her over for coffee and conversation. Yet it appeared that she is oblivious to all the good she had.
Future mentor, or can I call you friend. I am a bit bitter. I don't want to be. I ask God to help soften my heart. To give me courage to ask the right women to be apart of my life. But as a horse chases a carrot on the stick, I am always just a tad short.
So future mentor, future church. Thank you.
Thank you for loving me, the messy me. The real me. The speaks before she thinks me.
Thank you for loving my family. Challenging us to be humble kingdom workers.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to acknowledge that I exist.
That's all that is takes.
Letting people know that they are important.
I do my best to be intentional with my friends. But having someone who has gone before me, to hold my hand through prayer, tears, excitement and opportunities is who I am looking for. (holding my hand can be figuratively - don't want to make anyone, myself included, uncomfortable).
If you are an older woman, regardless of age, who are you investing in? The generation younger than you? The new mom? A student? A babysitter?
Dear future mentor.
I needed you.
I wait for you.
I appreciate you.
I appreciate God's timing of you.