Teaching in 2020

 I've been pretty quiet as far as writing. Finishing up some grad work. Spending time with family. Stirring the pot on facebook... you know, just relaxing. 

Soooo many hot topics and people lately. It must be something in the water. 
In case you need to know.... put the mask on, you choose joy, love all people, don't burn things down, and watch out for kids.  

A coworker friend decided to post short little daily videos of her teaching journey this year, to look back on and reflect. What a wonderful idea!

Here is my journey.......

I started my 9th year of teaching, and my third semester of grad school, this week. Of those 9 years, 7 have been with middle school students divided at 3 districts in 2 states. Last year, and currently, I have been at a local high school. I teach Pre-Algebra and Algebra 1, with a few co-taught classes. 

Covid has been a topic that has never left conversation. It's here. I wrote these two post back in March and April, and it's so odd or weird to look back at them. "I Miss My Students"  and "I Tried to Stay Calm" 

But as I was reading previous post, what brought tears to my eyes (which is a big deal for I am not much of one to cry) and also brought joy to my heart, was reading the letter I wrote to myself a little over two years ago, called "Dear Future Self, Don't give up on teaching."

I wrote to myself the following words: 

So, future self, teaching is a hard job. There will always be paper work, hateful emails, not enough time, money or resources. There will be tears of joy, frustration, sadness and confusion. My heart will swell with love and break - sometimes at the same time. These kiddos are not mine by DNA standards but I will call them my own. I did not become a teacher for an easy life. I become a world changer. 

I just finished day two as a teacher during a pandemic.
I have survived. 

No. 
I have thrived in my first two days of teaching. It went surprisingly well. 

Most teachers don't care for the first awkward day. Syllabus, trying to get to know students, mispronouncing names (always me). My passion is to teach, not talk about drills and procedures and rules and..... 

But we did it. I taught all of my blocks in a mask. And you know what, the kids listened and participated in masks. And when we were done, they cleaned and allowed for staff to take their temps. They responded to different transitions, like being walked to lunch and not having water fountains (the school did provide water bottles). They joked and laughed. 

I did not hear any one complain or fuss in the slightest. We are talking about high school kiddos here. Yes, it might be early in the year. But I am hopeful. They wanted to be back, and I did too.

The year might not be ideal. There are going to be bumps along the way. But, I am not going to give up. We might not have all of the technology in place (finally going 1:1 and should get chromebooks soon!). We might not get to do group activities, or even sit in groups. We might not have all of the same traditional high school events. We might not have all of the answers. 

But what we do have, is each other.

These are my kids. And I am their teacher. 

Here is a picture of my classroom a few days prior to reopening. Take note that the dates still says March 13, 2020....

 

Here I am, mask up, ready to greet these kiddos.
A great friend got me my spiral necklace for my birthday! <3

I tried viewing good cop videos

If you have been on facebook lately you will be experiencing what is called tension. Racial tension. Political tension. Freedom tension. 

There are lots of things flooding social media. Government corruption, systematic oppression, democrat vs republic, left vs right, black lives or all lives. It is a lot to take in. Protest, peaceful turned riot. Peaceful, disturbed by a "force". 

When social media starts saturating my feed with conflicting views, I start asking more questions. 

Lately the thing that has been plaguing my mind is why the need to share good cop videos or pictures like: 

photo credit: https://images.app.goo.gl/w26iJeuSM9mvYpPg8

Why are we celebrating something that should be given? You celebrate surprises and miracles and accomplishments. Celebrating good cops... well, is that a miracle or an accomplishment? Or is that them doing what they are supposed to do, their job? 

Do doctors have videos every time they make the correct diagnoses? It's worth celebrating. 
Do teacher get a shout out for every kid that makes a light bulb discovery? It's also worth celebrating.

Doesn't the world just become better from people doing good? Shouldn't these cops be good on and off the camera? It's almost like a participation trophy... or is that just me?

There are good people who don't wear a uniform who do the same things; sit with people, play with kids, help each other.  Because good people make the world a better place.

Are we trying too hard to cover up the fact that we need to change a deep rooted corrupted system?

I am not condoning those who are starting riots and targeting cops. Please do not hear that I am in favor of violence. I am just questioning the motives and the push. By posting so many good cop videos and pictures, to me, is covering up and siding with the injustice of the matter. Hiding the truth.

I am thankful for good cops and systems that strive for justice. I am not trying to condemn those who want to share joy and happiness, I too, like to see the good nature of people. BUT in the moment, with the tension, is this the proper time to celebrate? 

Romans 12:9-21 is my absolute favorite. Just going to leave that right there. 

I tried to {FOCUS} on others - an apology letter to those I love and serve

Current Tunes: Yellowcard via spotify
Mood: reflective

This topic has been something that has plagued my mind for several months; since we moved 'home'. As I processed the words in my head, I decided it would be best to write a letter. I like letters.

Dear friends and family,

First, I want to thank you. Thank you for reading this, supporting me in all that I do. Thank you for letting me cry, curse, and question in the safety of your homes and hearts. Thank you for asking me tough questions and extending grace when my response would be less than adequate. Thank you for your patience and diligence in loving me.

I keep a joy journal and I often find myself writing down events or times spent with you. Be it getting coffee, eating dinner, playing games, shopping or just a good heart-felt phone call. I needed those moments. Again, thank you.

I want to apologize for my lack of presence. When I get overwhelmed or anxious, as many of you do, I shut down. I have to re{FOCUS} on what is important and true. Then, without trying, time passes by too quickly and I feel as if my service is no longer needed.

Please hear me when I say that I think of you often and wish I had more time to do what is on my heart and what crosses my mind frequently.

For those that I didn't bring a meal to - I am sorry. 
For those that I want to clean your house, but haven't - I am sorry.
For those that I have to reschedule play dates over and over again - I am sorry.
For those of you that I have replied to your text... a week late - I am sorry.
For those of you that I have not written a letter to in a while - I am sorry.
For those of you that I want to have over for dinner, but schedules (or the stars) have not aligned in our favor - I am sorry.

Please do not think you are unloved or unworthy. You are very loved and very worthy! As many of you working parents know, balance is hard. Cleaning, cooking, caring of children, assignments (yours and your children), job requirements, extra activities.... it all adds up. It's a spinning plates act.

I want to do more. I do.

Please, keep asking to come over, for meals, to go shopping or get coffee. Don't be afraid to ask me to cook you something, clean your house, or watch your kids - I like that too and will do those. Ask me to pray for you, I will and with joy. Don't give up on me. I see you.

And if all else fails - there is always summer.

Summer = service.

Until summer, I will do the best that I can, but I am sorry if I miss an opportunity to serve and love you better.

Thank you for your understanding,
Megan

I tried - the season finale

Hey interweb friends. It's been about 2.5 months since I have last written. I really don't know why I stopped other than the words ebb and flow naturally.  I could blame the lack of time, the lack of motivation, lack of passion, lack of courage.... lots of excuses really. 
Regardless, I am putting my heart out there through my words again.

Have you ever watched an entire show from the pilot episode to the series finale?  And when it ends, you have this gapping hole, like "now what"? That these strangers came to be more, and you looked forward to enjoy their lives (no matter how fake or real they might be).

That's currently where I am at.  The end.

I feel like my series is over; the characters that have developed over time will be missed.  The plot twists have ceased and I am walking out, alone, into darkness.

If I hang in there, I know another network might pick me up.  They make spin-off series all the time. Right? Or volumes of seasons.  This isn't my true end.  Just a different beginning.

This year (and I mean school year; August - present) has been filled with trials and growth, not just at my job, but in general day to day life.

So, this was my classroom. I walked out of it for the last time a week ago. It was my home for the last 5 years. My pregnant swollen feet paced this room. Our oldest started school from this room. Push up and plank challenges took place in this room. Hugs and laughter were shared in this room. Cheers and uproar echoed within these walls.  Lightbulbs clicked on as foundations in understanding were repaired, replaced and strengthened.  This room is more than just some brick walls. It's the lining of my heart.

I walked out by choice, "going without knowing" as a coworker told me.  Since October my husband has been working weekends about 2 hours away.  It has caused some awesome calendar balancing, but we managed to work as a family.  Because of this wonderful opportunity we decided to move our family that direction this summer. I have since found another teaching job, and eagerly await the new adventure - the spin off series.

But THIS series finale was hard.  It wasn't just a season, knowing I'd come back after summer, with a tan. But I closed that door, turned in my keys, and walked out.

It was hard to leave.

I had one of THE BEST teaching partners/coworkers I could have ever imagined or dreamed of.  She blessed me with prayers, compassion, a listening ear, wisdom, hugs, goodies, and love for my family. This lady was an anchor to making me feel successful, we worked so effortlessly together.  I worked with a great team of teachers whom I respected greatly - for they did their job, and did it well and appreciated the fact that they knew how to laugh and have a good time.

But then there are my students, my kids.  This group this year stole my momma heart. They were ornery and mischievous.  They were sweet, friendly and helpful.  Some of them took bigger pieces of my heart, some of them I would seriously have adopted without question. I am just glad to know, that for a short period of time, they were able to feel some genuine love.  These kids carry stories that don't belong to children.  They carry heartache and brokenness at a magnitude that is indescribable.  I look forward to seeing what these young people do in a few years. They will conquer so much; for they have already. Here's to the graduating class of 2023!

One of the most challenging parts of teaching is that you don't always know if what you are saying is getting through to them.  But thankfully, I know that with this group, they were listening. I had letters and cards written with such sweet words.  Words to remind me why I do my job, why it's not a job, but a privilege. Words that I didn't even expect from some. Treasures.

So, this summer, we are moving.  I am sure it will be a whirl wind of events; filled with tears of joy, fear and excitement. And here shortly I will be turning lights on into a new room, new challenges, new kiddos, and new opportunities to keep giving it my all.

One student got me the book "Auggie and Me," knowing that I read Wonder and enjoyed it. Inside she not only wrote a letter but stuck in little reminders like the one pictured below.  

Here's to my spin-off series.  Loveandnumbers2.0

PS - to my friends and family - you will be missed too; it's different (for some reason).  I am sure those tears will roll as our tires pull away from our drive one last time.  I'm not ready for that.

PSS - another post this week about Romans BSF study and how my disputes aren't the best....

I tried - The Turquoise Table {October book and November update}

October I finished leading a group through "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  We started it in September, so I wanted to read another book for October.  I choose "The Turquoise Table" by Kristin Schell.

The Turquoise Table was more than a book.  Seriously, it is like pinterest, instagram and facebook all rolled into one.  It was more than a book for it had recipes, quizzes, places to journal and take notes even check out her cute ideas on page 83.  The book included pictures, beautiful pictures, and quotes and other words of encouragement that make you enjoy the book just a little bit deeper. 

A beautiful piece of literature. 

The book starts off explaining the back story of where the table came from, but then it goes deeper into why it's important for our neighborhoods to have a table like this. 

I kept coming up with excuses and reasons why I couldn't (EVEN THOUGH I DESPERATELY WANT TO) do this. 

We live on a hill - where does the table go?
I have little ones - where do they play? In the street?
My neighbors work nights, move frequently, hardly home?
What if we move soon - is it rude to set people up to let them down?
Does this have to be me a "me" thing or a "family" thing?
Where do we find the money to buy a table?

Seriously, I had every excuse under the sun to not make community a priority. 
Here are some little truth bombs or quotes from the book that I love and will use to help me make my excuses into a thing of the past.

* Romans 12:13 - take every opportunity to open your life and home to others.   Hospitality.

* To be present, the only UNwelcome or not invited guests are the iphone and other technology.

* I can be an "embassy of the kingdom of heaven"

* WE all need the table.  It's community.  We need to gather.

* There is a difference between being and doing.  "You can tell what people are doing if you take time to notice."

* We are able to love because we were first loved.

* "We are all broken, that's how the light gets in." - Hemingway

* The more vulnerable we are, the longer the table we will need.

* Page 142 "The most beautiful people I know were their imperfection with grace and confidence."

* A HUGE difference between Hospitality and Entertainment.  Hospitality is serving, brokenness is welcome, non-judgement, grace, NO to-dos, A HAPPENING. Entertainment is "me" focused, pinterest perfect, judgement of self and event that occurs after a list of to-do's are complete.

* Page 147 "Part of loving others is allowing them to love us too."

* You need to hold the bucket sometimes for someone else, or yourself.  Word vomit is a thing.

* The ministry of presence is something worth praying for every day.

* People are hungry, craving for connection and community, a place to belong. 

The book had so much more wisdom and experience to share through her own and others stories.  This is a great book and I give it 5 stars.  A quick great read.  If you are wanting to change up your neighborhood, this is a great place to start.

~*~

November is underway already and I haven't taken the time to update on our goals.  It seems like yesterday that I started tracking and looking for goals.  This month I really want to focus on self communication. 

I often feel isolated and alone, so in order to help with not realizing it, I deleted the facebook app off of my phone.  I haven't figured out the game plan - other than I don't want to be on there any more; or as much.  I find myself wasting time reading articles, looking at pictures, or watching videos that have no regards to improving my life.  I can find the news through other means.  I can reach out and pray for friends by actually connecting to them.

Problem:
Documenting the boys and sharing the joy they bring us with family and real friends.

Solution:
I can still text pictures or even email.  I can do a "mass" end of the month "share" of what the kiddos have been up to.

Problem:
Missing events around the community and social circles.

Solution:
Personal invites are a thing that we should bring back.  Jeremiah is still on facebook and can keep us in the loop. We can also look for things on the weekends.

Problem:
Reaching out and praying for people

Solution:
Use other communication.

Problem:
Feeling isolated and alone.

Solution:
Interactions that due occur will be genuine and out of true love and interest, verses conveniently scrolling through my life tossing out thumbs up. 

Other things I would like to focus on during this free time.... I am going to read Divergent by Veronica Roth (I know, I am a little late to the fad) and who knows, I might be able to read the sequel too.

I would also like to continue to document our joy as a family and focus on each other, gratitude and grace. 

My physical health is always of importance; but mental and spiritual health have to be balanced in order to achieve that. 

Here's to November of peace, pausing, and true growth.  <3

Me too - An open letter to women and October

Dear October,

You didn't give us much room to breathe after September (suicide awareness month). But here we are, in the middle of it.  Facing breast cancer awareness but also infant and child loss awareness don't forget national coming out day and now there is a call to the "me too" movement advocating on behalf of women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted.

You make my heart heavy,
Megan

Dear Women,

To the women who are currently suffering, have had conquered, or grieving the loss of those battling breast cancer; you are strong and courageous! I literally have sat at my computer screen for minutes, trying to orchestrate the words that share my heart; but only silence is played. The battle you are facing is not one that people envy you for.  Thank you for being beautiful in all moments and stages of life; from the hair loss, to breast removal surgeries, to the inside as your heart going through times of being bitter and angry to finding life once more. You are not alone, you are loved.  

To the women who have lost a child or infant. This is a topic, in my opinion, that our society and our churches do not speak on enough, giving it the light and justice that it deserves.  Truth be told, this is a topic that I am not very good at navigating myself. So many variables to how you are handling and processing these major events of your life.  Stories after stories; I had a facebook friend share a picture of her box that holds treasured memories of her son's passing - something that took leaps and bounds to not only open, but open for all to see, letting us into her heart.  I can't imagine what one goes through day to day knowing a child is gone. Reading this article, about a family who donated their daughters organs, making a sacrifice to share life in the midst of loss.  My very own student showing me her baby brother's ashes that she binds around her neck, close to her heart, a beautiful necklace she just got today.  To all of my friends and family who I have cried with, hugged, and loved on during these tragic events, there are far too many. These stories are important, your child is not and will not be forgotten.  You are not alone, you are loved. 

To the women coming out. October 15th came and went and for those who were brave enough used the day to share their story. I personally want to step up on a soap box, I hate how a person has to be "brave" in order to be themselves, it bothers me (gets off soap box)... please keep sharing your stories.  I am listening. For my female friends who have already faced the masses, thank you.  Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your life, learning to judge less and care more. You have taught me so much.  You are appreciated! Your story matters. You are not alone, you are loved. 

To the women who have been sexually assaulted or harassed. You are not a victim. You were not "asking" for it. It was unwelcome, not invited, uncomfortable, forced, and something - that no matter what you do - will never go away. From physical touch to hurtful words, the scars that are left will never heal fully; shaping you daily into the person you are.  The movement "me too," starting on twitter, has been sweeping social media.  This letter is for you, that as you type those words "me too" I hope that you feel welcomed into a sisterhood of understanding, grace, and compassion.  That as you slowly tell your story, leaving or including as many details as you wish, healing will take place; a process that takes time. I want you to know that you ARE worthy. You ARE important.  I believe you. Tell me your "me too". You are not alone, you are loved. 

This letter is for all women.  Through stories (and sometimes coffee) we bind ourselves back together, weaving a tighter sisterhood.  If I could only reach through the screen and wipe away your tears I would. If I could only gently grasp your shoulders, drawing you into a hug, letting your rest your head on my shoulder - I'd carry that for you. If just for a moment I could stop time and let you take that deep heavy sigh and catch your breath, I'd wish it in an instnat.  You are not alone, you are loved. 

We all have a story. I am more than another number.  I am more than a statistics.  I am a me too. 

You are not alone, you are loved,
~Megan #metoo

PS - A letter is a form of communication, please feel free to write, message, text, call, e-mail me so we can continue our communication and sharing stories.  If possible, let's schedule time. I want to hear your story.

PPS - Men, yes I understand you can have breast cancer, loose a child, come out and be sexually harassed - you are loved too. 

I tried - reading Mississippi Bridge [September book and updates]

September!  Hooray!  

This month I started an online book club/study to read Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts"

So far, the book is going really well - in fact it is a quick read.  I am doing my best to slow down, really dig deep and get into this book; not just to be a good facilitator for these women, but to find peace for myself.

Fall is my favorite, and as I am sure I have blogged before, although fall is my favorite, it is also a somewhat sad time.  I just feel like I need more time to enjoy it - that it this is my time to find my pace and speed for the next season of life.

One Thousand Gifts couldn't have come at a more perfect time!  Because we are reading the book over a period of 6 weeks, I wanted to keep reading other books, being engaged.

Labor Day my dad gave me a book and said it would take only 20 minutes.  Well, I'm a slow reader, but it was done in less than an hour.

Mississippi Bridge is a short book by Mildred D. Taylor (she wrote Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry).   I was doing research for what age the book would be good for (5th grade) but honestly, I would love for some adults to read this amazing piece of fiction.

It is so incredibly relevant to today.  How, even today, there are people who are teaching their children hatred (and some do it without even knowing they are!).  But for some children, they will "rebel" and fight for what they want to understand better - loving people.

The ending is great!  No spoilers here, just read the book yourself!

Believe me, it reminds me of the story of the Old Man his White Horse - Perspective.

Perspective is everything.
This book hurt me to read, how people are so ignorant and unkind. Perspective.
I am torn between wishing I lived in a previous time period or not.  That I would be an activist, if I didn't get myself killed. Perspective.
The ending. Perspective.

So, Here's to a great month.  A great season. A season of peace and gifts.  A season to love and be present.  A season to be outside, reading, educating and helping others.

I tried - fighting {Who are you fighting for}

A little bit about me - for vulnerability opens hearts of others.

I am loyal to a fault,
and stubborn.
Favor the underdog.
Going against the norm, is my norm.
I ask tough questions,

making people mad and uncomfortable.
Believe in justice on all levels.

I am a white, working mom.
My heart is elastic.
I love quickly, deeply and hard.
When I am hurt, I rationalize the situation to pieces.
Over thinking is my hurdle.
If you hurt others, I hurt for you.
I do not believe in the death penalty.
I do not believe in war or harming others.
I do believe that love will win.
More times than not I feel very alone in this world.
Holding on to Joshua 1:9.
Taking care of others is my passion.
If I am not careful, my words are sharper than arrows.
One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 12: 9 - 21 (and many more).
My dad thought I was going to be a lawyer, I am a fighter. 

Now, I am a teacher. 

Earlier this week I got into one of those fun "word wars" on facebook feeds.  With a family member.  A lot of hurtful words were thrown my way, including the twisting of what I said; topics that were not even being debated were brought up - low easy blows - from a person who doesn't know my story.

I finally, said my peace and stopped responding.  Other people have since made comments; the carrot is in front me, waiting for me to nibble.  I have, on occasion, even typed up a response - pausing and deleting it as God asks me to.

My heart is heavy.  I have learned that if something bothers me long enough, that I need to share; regardless of if anyone agrees with me.  With enough prayer and honesty, I know God will be searching my heart one day; as he will do with others.  It's not my job to soul check others.  Gotta keep me in check.

I can't get over something that was said to me.  "You claim you're a Christian and you're standing up for injustice? No that's what I'm doing, defending president Trump, showing that he was never racist until he ran for president, and defending him from liberals and the media who have nothing better to do but insult him with impunity."  -JM

Who are you fighting for? 

Should our president's actions and words need so much defense?  A person of authority, leadership, great power, constant media coverage - constantly needing defense.  I don't need memes or youtube videos to hear the words that come from his mouth or see the "tweets" he post.

Later, this same word war, it was stated in my direction that if liberals weren't so closed minded and would see the truth and just listen for once that we wouldn't miss it.  *heavy sigh*  little do we know about each other.  Bubble living.

Who are you fighting for?

If you are asking someone to look for truth, but then do not welcome their comments, thoughts, insight, personal beliefs.... are you walking the walk or just talking the talk?

I was in tears over this conversation.
Angry tears.
Hurtful tears.
Mourning for their soul tears.

These people that I care about, and yes the strangers on this feed, are missing it.  

Who are you fighting for?

As you fight for the president....
Who's fighting for

the poor?

the oppressed?

the refugee?

the orphan?

the sick?

the homeless? 

the gay?
the widow?

the porn addict?
the prostitute?

the neighbor?

the least of these? 

(Matthew 25:40)

As I look back at these last few days, I have to remember that I am not here to fight for the President who has dug his own pits. The only way I will fight for him is through prayer.  

But I am hear to fight the good fight.  At least that is what I am trying.

I tried - being mentorable {open letter to my future mentor}

Dear Future Mentor,

Thank you.  I have needed you for some time.  I needed you without even knowing it was you, or the idea of a mentor.  I needed  you more than I realized.

See, I feel as if I am in a weird spot in the church.  I don't feel like I belong.  I did not grow up in the church that we are going to, so my roots are more shallow than others. I did not attend the Christian college, as my husband and friends did, feeling as I orbit their social circle. I have a "worldly" job... I mean ministry... ahh, whatever teaching is these days, which does not allow a lot of time to do do "mom" things or minister to others.  It's weird for I have a loving mom and great friends, but I am missing...

missing you.

I need guidance spiritually.
I need wisdom that challenges me.
I need patience, strength, calm, investment.
I need cared for.

I need you.

As I currently write you, my family is going through a season of transition. A time of reflection and re-centering our lives back to God's plan.  A time of waiting to see what is in store.  Prior to this season I had directly asked several (4) women to be my mentors, and asked handful of other women to just hang out - but it always falls through.  Some of these women graciously turned me down with positive answers.  Some didn't really have the time, respectively.

But I truly, prayerfully plead for someone to reach my hand and say "it is I that will get coffee with you! Listen. Talk. Pray. Check-in. Invest."   Okay, you don't have to talk like that.  I promise.

Mentoring is an odd topic to talk about in the church.  Sometimes it happens organically, very natural.  Other times it is forced.  I pray that whomever gets paired with me, it is a relationship that happens naturally, God driven.

See, I am a mess.  To my peers, it might appear that I am put together.  Got all the answers.  Life is grand.  But, I am human.  Just as my blog title states, I am trying.  Honestly, I don't know what I am doing from day to day.  Grasping at straws.

I know once this season of transition changes, there might be more time and opportunity for investment.

A  few weeks ago I was talking to an older lady about my parents helping take care of my children as we were at a conference she said "at least you have your parents, we always lived so far from family."    I just wanted to respond with, "but you had the church.  You had people come to you and watch your kiddos to give you a break.  Bring you a meal.  Pray with you.  Call you to see how you were. Being a mother is hard.  Working in a church is hard."   But I just acknowledged the truth that I am thankful that we are currently close living to my family.

A year ago I had a friend talk about how she doesn't have many deep relationships or mentors and how she wishes her mom lived closer.  Yet, in the same conversation I could count on two hands the older women in her life.  ASKING to babysit her new baby.  ASKING to clean her house or offer help.  ASKING  her over for coffee and conversation.  Yet it appeared that she is oblivious to all the good she had.
J
Future mentor, or can I call you friend.  I am a bit bitter.  I don't want to be.  I ask God to help soften my heart.  To give me courage to ask the right women to be apart of my life. But as a horse chases a carrot on the stick, I am always just a tad short.

So future mentor, future church.  Thank you.

Thank you for loving me, the messy me.  The real me.  The speaks before she thinks me.
Thank you for loving my family.  Challenging us to be humble kingdom workers.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to acknowledge that I exist.

That's all that is takes.
Letting people know that they are important.

I do my best to be intentional with my friends.  But having someone who has gone before me, to hold my hand through prayer, tears, excitement and opportunities is who I am looking for. (holding my hand can be figuratively - don't want to make anyone, myself included, uncomfortable).

If you are an older woman, regardless of age, who are you investing in?  The generation younger than  you?  The new mom?  A student? A babysitter?

Dear future mentor.
I needed you.
I wait for you.
I appreciate you.
I appreciate God's timing of you.

With love,
Megan

Freebie Find: 100 Questions and mentor conversation topics - to make this mentoring thing easier on all of us.  =] 

I tried - reading Messy Grace [July's Book Review]

A while back I, like more years than I can remember, I started and almost finished reading Messy Grace by Caleb Kaltenbach but for some reason I stopped reading it, in fact I let other people borrow it!

At the end of June I had the honor hearing Caleb speak and I decided that I must finish his book for July; it wasn't a difficult task.

"Can someone be gay and go to heaven?  I think if we're going to ask that question, then we have to ask if someone can be an alcoholic and go to heaven?  Can someone be addicted to drugs and go to heaven? Can someone be a gossip and go to heaven? Can someone be a worrier and go to heaven? Can someone be jealous of others and go to heaven? Can someone be an arrogant know-it-all Christian and go to heaven?"

Spoiler alert - that was the fourth to the last page in his book.  But it gets my point across.

Messy Grace is Caleb's story and journey of growing up with gay parents, learning to hate Christians, then later becoming a Christian and serving pastor.

I love this book.  The first time I started to read it, and the second time.  It's full of thought provoking ideas, truth woven statements, and pieces of little "ah-ha!" nuggets.  The title says it all.  Grace is messy.  The church is messy.  Being a Christian is messy.  So how come we do such a horrible job at loving our gay neighbor, our gay child, our gay parent or co-worker?  Are they not human too?

Although he was more focused on loving the gay community, I couldn't help but also apply everything he wrote to other communities that Christians sometimes struggle with loving.   The quote above could also include, in my opinion, can someone be a liberal and go to heaven? Can someone be republican and go to heaven? Can someone have tattoos and go to heaven? Can someone born in a Muslim family go to heaven? Can someone who is black go to heaven? Can someone who is a cop go to heaven? Can someone who is a soldier go to heaven? Can someone who works for an abortion clinic go to heaven?

Can someone who disagrees with me go to heaven?

The very same page he writes, "Most Christians I know wouldn't have an issue with saying that any one of those people could go to heaven (talking about gossip, etc), but for some reason, when it comes to homosexuality, some think that is too tall of an order for God.  I think it's because their view of God is too small.  He's calling everyone into this kingdom all the time, as hard as that may be for us to believe."

This summer I also participated, well... attempted to participate in, a Beth Moore study called "Entrusted."   On page 106 of her workbook she writes, "Have you ever wondered how we Christians get away with some of the things we do? We rename the sin something noble.  We call gossip informing, judgement discernment, misogyny authority, anger righteous indignation, lust appreciation, arrogance confidence, profanity passion, and hate debate, and voila, misconduct gets reframed as Christian duty."

By renaming our sin, we simultaneously are trying to let others know that their sin is worse than ours.  But, sin is sin. And love is love.  

(My favorite is Romans 9:12-21)

I urge everyone to read this book, and truly seek their own hearts, get to know someone from the gay community, truly know them, don't fear them... they are people too!  My biggest fear or worry (and I know I shouldn't have any, for God is bigger than even my own small fears) is that the people who truly NEED to read this book, won't give it a second glance.  That more often than not, the ones reading Messy Grace are already trying to love their gay Christian and non-Christian friends.  But this is just me making an assumption, which is not healthy either.

So, I challenge you, regardless of where you stand on your beliefs of homosexuality in the church, to read this book.  Not just read it, but come to it with an open mind and ask God for it to touch your heart.  That your heart can reflect God's heart, one full of love and grace (even if it is messy).

~*~

To my LBTQ co-worker, friends, family, I am sorry if you have been hurt by the church.  The church is not a place of perfection, but a place of brokenness.  Our identities should be mirrors reflecting Christ, not our own thoughts and ambitions.  If you (homosexual or heterosexual) have been hurt by the church and need to talk, I will listen.  You are loved.

I tried - 13 reasons why (sensitive content)

13 Reasons Why I liked 13 Reasons Why

Hotline for help

Before I start writing this blog I want to lay out some WARNINGS:

* if you have not seen the show, their might be clues or hints to some spoilers.  I would still encourage you to watch the series, or read the book, as long as you are old enough to handle mature content.  Please let your parents know if you are watching this.

* some of the things I am going to share are sensitive, raw, real.  I want to do my best to share my thoughts while also giving dignity and honor to myself, other people and families who have had to handle these situations.

* I am not a psychologist or counselor.  These words are my opinion.  I am not here to make people feel good about these topics, but expose some truths - maybe ask some tough questions, help us all grow through challenges. But grow together, with love. This is a very controversial topic.

* as mentioned, these are my opinions.  I tend to have the emotional range of a teaspoon.  Please do not layer extra emotion, or perceive false emotion that is not there.  AKA, don't "read between the lines"

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A few weeks ago my junior high students started talking about a show on Netflix called 13 Reasons Why.  That night I went home, and sure enough, I started seeing several people posts about the show (some without even viewing it).  I started to do research and realized I needed to watch this.  Now, that sounds really silly that there was a need to watch a TV show; but I wanted to know what my students (12-14 year old kiddos) are watching and talking about. I also shared some information with my school counselor so she too could be aware.  Later that week, Thursday night, I stayed up incredibly late and watched 4....FOUR....hour long episodes.  Within a week, I completed the season (in a week?!... what else am I going to do at night when my husband is writing papers for his classes?). This past week I have had students share that they enjoyed the show, that dramas are their favorite type of shows.  So to some, the material is already desensitized, and they see it for a show, not a reason or an instructional film.

I tend to think differently than my peers and others, everyone's stories shape them.  I tend to play devil's advocate in hopes to help others, including myself, see multiple perspectives. As I write this, I am also challenging my own thoughts and beliefs and want to encourage you to ask me more questions to help me grow as well.  Challenging the culture to challenge myself. May is mental health awareness month.  Go to this site to watch a video on why 13 reasons can be an useful tool. 

It's okay to disagree.
It's not okay to ignore the problem.

13 Reasons Why I liked 13 Reasons Why:

1) The show was written like a mystery.  You know, in the very beginning that the main character, Hannah, did kill herself.  But as the journey continues, and you flash back and forth between Hannah's stories and other's, you start getting a deeper picture of this school's reality.  Over all, the show was well written; and I'm interested in the next season as well as reading the book.

2) Tony and his tapes.  Just Tony.  He is one of the main characters.  At first you are trying to figure out his purpose, or how he's connected.  The idea of using tapes, a media source that is no longer readily available, makes me secretly enjoy the retro-ness of the tapes. Tony appears to be the kid, with his head on straight, that has all the answers, but he too, is struggling with the grief and loss of Hannah and personal issues of his own. Tony started off as my favorite character, but my heart swelled with love and compassion for all of them.

3) A call to parents.  I believe if you watch the entire season, this show is a cry from society's youth. The cry of "HELP" is now taking light from media. Mental illness is a serious issue, and does attack all age groups. However, I feel as if it is rapidly effecting our youth.  Internet and cell phones have enabled people to hurt others more, faster, and without repercussions.  The very first episode you get to experience how rumors can destroy a person's reputation and become the starting line for other events. As a parent, are you helping your child navigate this broken world?  Are you helping other children who may not have caring parents navigate this world?  Because chances are if you are reading this, you are a caring parent.  Together, we can raise up a generation who know what love is and how to cope and manage trauma and how to use media tools more effectively. Please go here if you are in need of more guidance on suicide prevention.

4) Parental response. I enjoyed how the show included a third story line of how the parents were dealing with their daughter's choice.  Although some articles written believe that this show "romanticizes" the idea of suicide, I think that some would see the hurt that it caused for their family.  The accuracy of parents suing the school is something that does happen regularly.  My question, and I have not been in their shoes, does suing the school for hundred-thousands of dollars, help in the grief process? Will they later change their mind as Hannah's tapes are played for them?  Did they realize that she committed suicide by using something that she got from their store?

5) The show is raw.  The producers and writers did an excellent job not sugar coating the seriousness of the issue.  From suicide, to teen drinking, abuse, rumors, porn, and everything in between, every scene was written with awareness.  For those who watched and believe that it was too much; I can agree that not all social circles are as broken as this circle of peers. But, if you believe that these issues are not happening to OUR youth, I hate to tell you, but you are being blinded.  Some of these characters stories are stories from my own 7th grade students. Ignorance and ignoring there is a problem, will not help these students and our next generation. 

6) Gun control.  Now, this is a bit odd, for Hannah did not use a gun in her act of suicide. What I am talking about as far as guns is the ease that the students have access to them.  From harming themselves to others, guns were not in trained hands.  I am not, let me repeat, I am not advocating for gun control. Guns are a tool that needs to be taught how to use correctly. I think that this issue will be addressed more in the second season.

7) The variety of students.  I enjoyed how the students had a variety of roles in the school.  From football players, to edgy coffee baristas, cheerleaders, poetry writers, school yearbook photographer, student body president, the school's outcast, and others.   I liked this because it helps us have a better grasp to the idea that no group of adolescents is safe from these tough issues.  That from the outside, young teens might appear to have the "best life" but in reality they are suffering and hurting as well. Every character was a person I could relate to on a variety of levels.

8) The emotional roller coaster.  As  I mentioned, I am not much of an emotional person.  I hurt and empathize for people but as I have grown and changed from my own experiences I have learned to think through situations.  However, this show had me all over the place.  I was a wreck. The characters did a great job acting and portraying the real emotion throughout the scenes.  As I mentioned in number 7, the characters are real.  For me, I had to turn my eyes away, or pause the show, for it brought up a lot of history and past for myself to reprocess. You start off being angry at some characters for their actions, but as their story unfolds your heart just opens up and you truly fall in love with them. As a parent and teacher, I just wanted to give them all hugs and  help them. I cried for them, with them, and with our young people going through these stories in real life. 

9) Every choice you make effects someone.  Although some of the situations Hannah was put through might have seemed small to some, and that other teens might have handled differently or even better. It was the culmination of the events that hurt her deepest. Some watchers are upset at Hannah, "how rude for her to blame other people for a selfish choice, how can she blame others?"  The tapes were not so much a blame, but her getting her voice out there. Letting her classmates, teachers, counselors and parents know that she is hurting because of others. Every interaction you have with a person can change the path on which they are traveling.  The counselor at the school was maybe not the most trained counselor, and although she was clearly in need of help, as I sat watching him listen to his own tape, hearing his own faults, I started questioning my own.  Which of my students is secretly hurting?  Which of my students thought I was being too harsh on them?  Which of my students truly needs help?  It really helped remind me that I need to be more aware of how I treat others - more so than I do now.  We all have a story. The parents were effected deeply, but they too had their role within Hannah's story. Does this make what Hannah did right? For people who do not think they have a way out of their emotions, or can't see past the deepness of the black pit they are in, the option of taking their own lives is what they think is their only option. Helping students and all adults to be better aware that there is help available, and that they are not alone, is a focus we should be pulling from this show. 

10) No religious affiliation. As a Christian it is hard for me to say that I am glad that there was not any religions mentioned. Religion would have been a distraction for the topics presented. If one religion was mentioned and not another, feelings would have been hurt, or worse, the religion could be blamed for the events of Hannah's death. Honestly, by not having the layer of religion take place, it enables the religious lens to be removed, giving sight to the fact that all creeds and beliefs are vulnerable to these topics and situations.

11) Every issue. Every. Single. One.  13 Reasons Why was able to write a serious series over pretty much every issue happening in our world today.  From rumors, cyber bulling, porn, gun safety, harassment, prejudice, drinking, drugs, young sex, rape, abuse on every level, financial difficulties, gay relationships, cutting.......the show brings up every thing. The show did not leave something unaddressed. As a christian parent it does scare me from time to time the world in which our children are living and growing up in.  Sadly, the culture we are experiencing is one that has been around since the fall took place in the garden. These issues are real. If you have not experienced these issues yourself, you know people who have.  Although this is a reason I continued to watch the show, it is also breaks my heart deeply.

12) An open door for difficult conversations. Before this show, how many of these topics were addressed, thought about, or handled in your own home?  How many of us have experienced any of this?  How many people had no idea that this happened? The show is full of awareness towards these sensitive issues, it also has the potential to open doors for young people to open up and start telling their stories. I loved, loved, loved the last episode when Jessica realizes that she is not doing well. That she can no longer go down this path by her self, pushing everyone away. That she is not alone. She starts to tell her story. We all have a story. But are we all willing to listen?

13) The commentary. There is an "episode" that has the actors, writers, producers, psychologist and others discussing why they were apart of this show and what their hopes of the show are. I encourage you, if you are unsure if you want to watch this show, to watch the commentary first.  Although it might give away spoilers to how everything turns out, I think it helps to hear the hearts of the people who put the show together.  They want truth to be exposed, their own site is a link for people to get help.

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As one would start with a warning, I too am going to end with DISCLAIMERS:
* please do not watch the show if you are currently feeling as if the world is against you, that you are alone. You are not alone. There are people who do care. If you feel that you can not share what is going on, for your own safety, try to remember your safety is one of the biggest reasons TO share.  The professional you get help from will make sure to do everything possible to keep you safe.  Please talk to a trusted adult at school, at the top is a link for a hotline that gives full confidentiality and here is another source. YOU ARE LOVED.

* watch the show, if you can, it does have moments that are so real you have to look away.  Being able to pause this show and digest it in pieces, was so incredibly helpful.  If you are under the age of 18 please share with your parents that you are watching or have watched 13 reasons, or better yet ask them to watch with you.

* love people.  LOVE PEOPLE.  If we could all show more compassion for the beautiful differences in our world and come to understanding that everyone has a story; that is when we might realize that we are not all so different.  Love people.

Let me know your thoughts!
If you ever want to or need to talk, please let me know.
I love swapping stories.