Covid 19 Brain Spirals

I just told a friend that I tend to spiral when I don't have answers.  My mind will just go and go and can't stop as it is looking for facts, evidence, solutions. I have so many spirals going on right now as new information is constantly being presented and my once normal is now again out of balance. I am pretty confident a tornado would look at me and say "nope, you be crazy."

For COVID 19, here are my 19 spirals that my brain consistently is processing through out each and every day....and some of my own personal conclusions. 

Spiral 1: Am I a mean mom? My brain can not stop this spiral. Although it is one I regularly reflect and think about. Now more than ever, it is in my face, how much yelling I do as I spend 24 hours a day with these creatures. My biggest fear...they won't survive this quarantine with all of their brainless activities.  Example... our 4 year old looking for a new family.... down the road... on his own.  Or, how about our 8 year old going down the zip line... with a spike!  New rule, only ONE BODY on the zip line at a time.  Keeping kids alive is challenging, and now they are stuck at home..... but.... I am not a mean mom. (and my kids are precious, hilarious, creative, sweet and wild humans who are going to learn and be academically ready for the next year).

Spiral 2: Am I a terrible wife? In case you were wondering, one can be kicked out of their own home during shelter in place. They don't have anywhere fun to go; but a spouse who is "asked" to leave can drive around for a bit to cool off.  Prior to this whole pandemic, my husband was gone Thursday through Sunday for work. Can you imagine the shift that must take place in our home as we both reside in it....E V E R Y D A Y  together... regardless.... I am not a terrible wife. (nor is he a bad husband).

Spiral 3: Am I a bad teacher? When I was allowed to go to work I knew and had confidence in my teaching ability. I was excited to share knowledge and watch my high school students turn light bulbs on. But now, it is hard to connect with them. It's a challenge to stop thinking about ... can I do more? How? I do my best and put these kiddos first as if they were my own.... I am not a bad teacher.

Spiral 4: Am I glorifying God? Did I read my Bible enough? Pray for all the people I can think of? Am I participating in church functions as I should? Last week, as I was crying, my oldest gave me a hug, and told me "God is with your wherever you go. Joshua 1:9".  He didn't understand the irony of what he was saying....being the fact that we aren't going anywhere..... my children are learning.... I am glorifying God. (even if it's just "God, please help me!")

Spiral 5: Will my sister be safe? My sister is a doctor. Whether she knows it or not, I am constantly worried about her safety in these conditions. It "plagues" my mind; as she is the mom to three amazing little kiddos. The thought of her being at risk shatters my heart. This spiral, if started, usually ends in tears...... my sister is wise and is using every precaution.... she is safe. She is strong!

Spiral 6: What's for dinner? What's for lunch? Wait... what did we have for breakfast? Having to remember to feed our family, every day, for every meal.... is a major spiral. Or can be. Now, before this whole lock down business, I had the menu planning on lock down, but we had freedom to change it up or pick up last minute items on our way home from work. All I know is that I am so incredibly grateful for the meals provided by our boys' school. Going to pick them up provides routine and a much needed break in our day, plus a fun little trip down the road. This spiral usually doesn't get too far when my husband and I pick out what's for dinner in the morning. A plan is set in place. 

Spiral 7: Am I getting fat? So there is a joke about gaining the Covid 15 (a play off of the freshmen 15) and I am not laughing. Try on your jeans they say..... amazon search jeans.... I have always struggled with my weight, size and being content with my own image. But it seems to be magnified (like my waist) during these uncertain times. I can't run with my sister anymore.... I am at home where the boys like to ask for snacks... whats a small nibble? (hint: it's no longer a nibble when you eat two serving sizes while preparing their food).  The good news..... this spiral is coming to a halt. I am continuing to run (sadly without my sister) and I am in the process to reshape my mindset, hopefully helping me reshape my body.  Although I gained a few pounds in March when this all started, I have been steady. So... no, I am not getting fat! (honestly, who cares!)

Spiral 8: Do I have homework? In January I started my online graduate program! It was manageable with my husband traveling. However, I have discovered I do not like doing homework when he is home. I am constantly having to think about what assignments I need to do or edit, which chapter in our text I need to read, or have I posted to the proper discussion board. Yes, I do have homework. 

Spiral 9: Am I going crazy? My mental health is in a very strange place. I am typically not an emotional person. I've cried like 6 times this week.... okay.... yesterday. I cried like 6 times yesterday. I am trying to get off of this roller coaster. It's odd. At night, it feels almost normal. Spending time with the family, going to bed. And in the morning, there is a brief second that all feels like the world is still spinning correctly. The only thing spinning, my overwhelming desire to be perfect in all of this....which... is not possible. I am not going crazy, but keeping my mental and emotional  health in check is highly recommended.

Spiral 10: When did I shower last? During this social distancing I thought it would a be terrific time to do a social experiment: how long can one go without showering before their children think they smell funnier than them? The answer is 4.  I will let you decided what the 4 represents.... it's also up to you to figure out how much sarcasm is in that statement.  Keeping track of when to shower, if it is necessary for the day, do I have clean underwear... it is a fun mental spiral .... if you can't remember the last time you showered, you probably should. 

Spiral 11: Zoom! Not going to lie. I am going to declare that "Zoom" becomes a grown up word in our house. In the last two weeks I believe we have zoomed a total of 11 times NOT including my husbands meetings and instruction lessons. So we are probably looking at around 30 - 40 something different zoom sessions we have participated in. The answer to my spiral... write them down, set an alarm... and hope for the best.

Spiral 12: Who did __________________ last? Dishes, vacuum, sweep, laundry, cook, wipe down tables, pick up toys, mow the yard, get the mail, take out the trash, feed and water the dog, pay the bills, check the plants........all day long. I am not going to lie, a friend sent me some pictures of her home.... it made me feel better about mine. The benefit of having a "smaller" home and the fact that we live a more minimalist lifestyle, we have less mess. What I am starting to realize, we live here. It's okay if it looks like it. (ps... we don't own a dishwasher if that somehow makes you feel better)

Spiral 14: Am I in the wrong to be upset with people's ignorance and selfishness? There are some pretty far fetched conspiracies going around right now, or being stirred up more. I don't know what's worse, the conspiracies and ignorance or the political bullying and badgering during this time in which we need to be more united? It's sickening how much time I have wasted reading misleading information. Nope, it's okay for me to be upset, it's what I do with my frustration that is key. Learning not to chase rabbits on social media (stop trying to prove everyone wrong) has vastly increased my joy. People will believe what they want, no matter how crazy, mean, or inaccurate it is. I can't control that. I can only control my perception and I want to choose joy. I need to choose joy. 

Spiral 15: Am I doing this right? You know all of those projects I wanted to do.... start a garden..... plant more indoor plants.... paint the shed.... stain the deck.... Or, how about all the books I am going to get to read?! I have to stop my brain from thinking about all these things and truly refocus the spiral into something more productive. It's okay if not everything gets done while I manage the other spirals in my life. Yes, I am doing this right. 

Spiral 16: Am I going to be able to make Easter memorable? Just. Sit. Down. Stop. Thinking. Seriously, why do I let my brain going into these tizzies. Here's the fact... this whole event... will make this Easter memorable, I don't have to do anything, it's done for me!

Spiral 17: Am I writing enough letters, making enough phone calls, marco polos, texts? I want to take care of people. When I start thinking of too many people that I want to communicate or connect with I will just start writing their names down and in my free time reach out to them. If you are reading this (and personally know me) and I have not contacted you, I am sorry. With around 140 students in addition to family, it's a lot to take care of. I have tried writing cards, sending encouraging messages on Instagram, making goodies for neighbors, all of it. I am doing enough.

Spiral 18: Do people think or care about me as much as I think and care about them? This is when my brain spirals in reverse of the above..... who I take care of becomes who is taking care of me? This spiral might be the most dangerous! It is something I think about a lot. See.... I have trust issues. I have abandonment issues. I have friendship or maintaining relationship issues. I have control issues. I have fear of missing out issues. I am always looking for a deep connection; yet, I tend to drown people when I try to take them too deep. I question why my "friends" on facebook don't like a picture or video... yet comment on someone else's stuff.... it's a dangerous spiral that number 18.  First, if you have read this entire blog. Thank you, please let me know by leaving me a comment. Maybe this post was too long, so you scrolled to the bottom and read this part, but you've read my blog before... cool and thanks! If I have recently told you how much you mean to me, know that I truly have thought it. A LOT. Thank you for loving me, reaching out to me, not giving up on me. I know who you are and I hope you know who you are too. 

Spiral 19: I don't know if you actual read this or caught this intentional mistake ... but I only made 18 brain spirals. Well...if you count thinking about one less spiral as a brain spiral of it's self. (Anyone else tired of the "math problems" with pictures). This virus doesn't deserve the best of me. It doesn't deserve all of my mental energy and time.

Let me know what your brain spirals are. How are you dealing with challenging times?

Be safe. Live loved.

I tried to be better but got lost.

I had the goal that I was going to write more this new year.  Yet, it's May 23 and I have not posted since the start.

I write best for me when I am passionate and honest about something (even if it's just my life).  However, for several months I felt like a fake... unsure of life.  I have some major trust issues.   So, I couldn't write.  Nothing made sense to write about.  Where do I start with the pain?  How do I address the confusion?  How do I explain that when moving last year I lost myself but also gained a new sense of who I am.

It's been a crazy few days... well weeks.. I guess months.

My family and I are relocating back to what we call home.  Our boys are thrilled.  I am thrilled and nervous (more to come) - but thankful the process of settling is almost over.

Here was our crazy itenary.   Have you been there.... where you look back and you are like... .we survived.

Wednesday 5/15 we (okay my husband and a friend) packed the uhaul truck and I packed vans after work and we stayed at a friends house.
Thursday 5/16 after work I drove to meet my family and start to unpack our house.
Friday 5/17 in the afternoon my husband and I drove 3.5 hours away for his Master's graduation party at his professor's house (so lovely). 
Saturday 5/18 Jeremiah graduates with his Masters in Entrepreneurial and Innovation degree...with....honors!  I couldn't be more proud and yet feel so terribly by the fact that we did not celebrate more.   We drove the 4 hours back home, picked up our boys, and we went to two birthday parties!
Sunday 5/19 we go to church, unpack some more and I leave to drive 2 hours back to where we were located to finish teaching. 
Monday 5/20 school day went well.  I am house sitting all by myself and the tornado sirens go off.  I have no TV and clueless to what is happening.   I eventually get some rest.
Tuesday 5/21 the tornado sirens go off again at 6 in the morning, I sleep for an hour in the bathroom floor and get a call that our school has been delayed by an hour due to the weather.  That night we get a call not to worry about the river, that all will be find.
Wednesday 5/22 in the middle of the day we get an email that our school is out 2 days early due to flood waters.  Kids start going crazy (even though they have 2 hours of school left).  The fire alarm was pulled at least 15 times by students and their reckless choices.  I get to the house I am staying at and start walking the dog when the sirens go off again.  After about 3 hours of sirens going on and off, bits and pieces of time in the bathroom reading to Roland (the sweet doggie) I start getting news that tornadoes are happening close to where my family has relocated and that one touched down about 1/4 mile from our house. 
Thursday 5/23 I find out that all of my friends, family and prior students are safe throughout the two states and some loved ones do have damage to their houses.  Go to our school meeting and discover that I have to continue to fulfill my contract and remain at school today, tomorrow and come back on Tuesday after memorial day.  Currently the flood alarms near the school are sounding as they have been closing roads as they flood.

That's my week guys.  I was going to find R.E.S.T this week.  Nope.

So here I am.  My family and I in another transition, 2 hours apart in crazy weather, and I finally feel like I can be honest in my words again.

I haven't been on facebook in a while.  What started out as a lent activity turned into more. I began to not miss it.  I deleted the app from my phone and would spend maybe 10 minutes a day on my lunch checking for any important dates and events.  I also enjoyed the memories (my kids are getting too big too fast).  But in the end.. what's the point of it?

While I have been away from facebook I have discovered who is intentional with me.  Who checks in on me and sees how I am doing (for you friends, I am thankful).  I am thankful for the family that helped us pack and unpack - you are amazing and I love you all for that (and mowing our yard!!).

But as I was away from facebook I was also able to realize how nice it was not to have to 'fake' being me anymore.    I felt like a liar when I didn't/couldn't tell people the reality of us moving.   I hated when people would tell me that they were excited that we were moving back but never checked on us, probably will never read this, and were not there for a difficult and challenging year.   I didn't feel authentic to those around me as I knew this wasn't permanent and just wanted to make the best of it.

Maybe once a month I will post pictures of the kidds (for those boys are too darn cute).   Maybe I still start blogging more about my own life and not just "hot topics".   Maybe I will find myself enjoying life too much  and just dump all technology!   Just stop by my house to come say hi.  Who knows.

To be honest, I am scared for the next chapter.  I accepted a teaching position back in March for highschool!!  I have always taught (and enjoyed) middle school and excited for the newness that comes with this position.   But need to find rest first this summer. 

I want to choose joy - honestly.  I want to face this emptiness that has been in me for a while and replace with overflowing love and desire for everything I encounter.

I want to be real and authentic and intentional with my people, and thankful for those who do the same.

This next chapter is what we were led to do, and it was difficult leaving the first time, but we know it was necessary and good all the same.

So even though I wasn't able to say goodbye (officially) to my students this year among the chaos, I hope they know how much they are loved.

Okay... I am rambling.... I have lost my skill to process.

Maybe it's the flood sirens ringing....

Maybe it's my mind swinging...

I think it might be time to go walk Roland again.

I tried - being at home

We have been settling in for the past month.  Tomorrow I start back to work (my 7th year of teaching) at a new district.  Tomorrow also marks a month of us living in our new STATE.  Not just state of mind but actual physical state.   

It is hard for me to imagine that we have already been here for a month.  It still feels a bit like a vacation house (not that we know what that's like, ha!) but not yet ours. 

Last night though, as Jeremiah was working late, I hung up my jewelry.... in a very college-chique (cheap) way.  And as odd as it was, it made this space seem like home.  I had put off hanging up/organizing this space for a month.  Not wanting to face reality, true.  Not needing to purely out of necessity, true. Not having the motivation, nailed it.  But the coffee I had late that afternoon must have kicked in.... so at 11:30 at night I am revisiting so many of these pieces. 

The picture above is how any wall can transform into home with a few items.  Now, it does look like pretty basic jewelry and trinkets.  BUT it is so much more. Home is where the heart is... so people say.... and these items are my heart.   I have cameras from both sets of grandparents.  My maternal-grandparents have their handkerchiefs.  Our wedding invitation, pictures of being baptized... in February... in a creek (old school, amiright).  There is a little wooden box that I have treasured letters, one from my Dad <3.  The necklaces and bracelets from Bali (thanks Z), Rome, and Hawaii.  Some of the pieces, works of art, are hand made...made with so much love (thanks B and WG/J).... and some are made just out of love thanks to my boys and their pipe-cleaner skillz.  Several of the items are heirlooms from my grandmother.  Price.Less.   A necklace that I remember Gideon using as a teething necklace.   The one that I wear to literally put "faith" around my neck. The jar, once full of change, is waiting to be filled again so our boys can enjoy the gift of giving.  This is where my heart is. 

It's not fancy by any means.  But it's mine; and now that it is all hanging there, waiting for me in the morning, this building is starting to feel like home.

Home takes time.  Takes people. 

I miss my people.  Yup.  I am going to totally call them that.  There were not many, but it was not about quantity but the quality.  These girls that stood by my side, some since we were babies. It is a hard feeling to trudge through knowing that I can't just ask them to go to ihop or get coffee... that distance has crept in.   I know, and they have shown me the past month, that distance is not a factor (thank you for the text, videos, and catch up ladies) when it comes to friendship. And some of these dear friends have moved even over oceans as I stayed.  I am not saying I have not been hurt by people, for I have; even now trust is something that I struggle with.  But even with all the good and bad, leaving was hard.

Last week I celebrated my 31st birthday, and it was odd to reflect back when I met some of these great friends.  Before or right after babies.  I was still a "baby"!  But it was easier.  We bonded over lack of sleep, poopy diapers, teething and support of a strong cup of coffee.  As our kids got older we shared the love of games, books and movies, again... with coffee in hand.  We spent time at events watching our lil'ones explore.  It just seemed so easy, natural, effortless... and before we knew it, YEARS had passed. 

Now, at 31, I am starting over.  No more babies to bond over.... I mean, I will ALWAYS hold a baby for someone in need.... and talking about poop doesn't bother me... #boymom  but now, my kids need me in a different way.  I need friends in a different way.

So, instead of "I tried - being at home" as the title of this blog, it should be I am trying to find home again.  It's true.

To the people who we are getting to know.  Thank you for letting us come into your home, be apart of your life.   If at times I am awkward or quiet, I am just processing in my head.  If at times I say the "wrong" things - just roll with my sarcasm or call me out on it (lovingly).  I am just trying to find my tribe. 

I am not to replace the people we left, but to expand our hearts even more.
This transition will take time, love and people.

SO, to the people who will be in our home tomorrow and there after.  Welcome.  This is our home.

I tried - the season finale

Hey interweb friends. It's been about 2.5 months since I have last written. I really don't know why I stopped other than the words ebb and flow naturally.  I could blame the lack of time, the lack of motivation, lack of passion, lack of courage.... lots of excuses really. 
Regardless, I am putting my heart out there through my words again.

Have you ever watched an entire show from the pilot episode to the series finale?  And when it ends, you have this gapping hole, like "now what"? That these strangers came to be more, and you looked forward to enjoy their lives (no matter how fake or real they might be).

That's currently where I am at.  The end.

I feel like my series is over; the characters that have developed over time will be missed.  The plot twists have ceased and I am walking out, alone, into darkness.

If I hang in there, I know another network might pick me up.  They make spin-off series all the time. Right? Or volumes of seasons.  This isn't my true end.  Just a different beginning.

This year (and I mean school year; August - present) has been filled with trials and growth, not just at my job, but in general day to day life.

So, this was my classroom. I walked out of it for the last time a week ago. It was my home for the last 5 years. My pregnant swollen feet paced this room. Our oldest started school from this room. Push up and plank challenges took place in this room. Hugs and laughter were shared in this room. Cheers and uproar echoed within these walls.  Lightbulbs clicked on as foundations in understanding were repaired, replaced and strengthened.  This room is more than just some brick walls. It's the lining of my heart.

I walked out by choice, "going without knowing" as a coworker told me.  Since October my husband has been working weekends about 2 hours away.  It has caused some awesome calendar balancing, but we managed to work as a family.  Because of this wonderful opportunity we decided to move our family that direction this summer. I have since found another teaching job, and eagerly await the new adventure - the spin off series.

But THIS series finale was hard.  It wasn't just a season, knowing I'd come back after summer, with a tan. But I closed that door, turned in my keys, and walked out.

It was hard to leave.

I had one of THE BEST teaching partners/coworkers I could have ever imagined or dreamed of.  She blessed me with prayers, compassion, a listening ear, wisdom, hugs, goodies, and love for my family. This lady was an anchor to making me feel successful, we worked so effortlessly together.  I worked with a great team of teachers whom I respected greatly - for they did their job, and did it well and appreciated the fact that they knew how to laugh and have a good time.

But then there are my students, my kids.  This group this year stole my momma heart. They were ornery and mischievous.  They were sweet, friendly and helpful.  Some of them took bigger pieces of my heart, some of them I would seriously have adopted without question. I am just glad to know, that for a short period of time, they were able to feel some genuine love.  These kids carry stories that don't belong to children.  They carry heartache and brokenness at a magnitude that is indescribable.  I look forward to seeing what these young people do in a few years. They will conquer so much; for they have already. Here's to the graduating class of 2023!

One of the most challenging parts of teaching is that you don't always know if what you are saying is getting through to them.  But thankfully, I know that with this group, they were listening. I had letters and cards written with such sweet words.  Words to remind me why I do my job, why it's not a job, but a privilege. Words that I didn't even expect from some. Treasures.

So, this summer, we are moving.  I am sure it will be a whirl wind of events; filled with tears of joy, fear and excitement. And here shortly I will be turning lights on into a new room, new challenges, new kiddos, and new opportunities to keep giving it my all.

One student got me the book "Auggie and Me," knowing that I read Wonder and enjoyed it. Inside she not only wrote a letter but stuck in little reminders like the one pictured below.  

Here's to my spin-off series.  Loveandnumbers2.0

PS - to my friends and family - you will be missed too; it's different (for some reason).  I am sure those tears will roll as our tires pull away from our drive one last time.  I'm not ready for that.

PSS - another post this week about Romans BSF study and how my disputes aren't the best....

I tried - Embracing Fear

Today has hit me hard; but in a good kind of way.

This morning I woke up to Soren's feet in my face.  About 2:30 this morning he grabbed BB-8, his pacifier and his dog blanket and crawled in bed with me.  As much as we try to have our kids sleep in their own beds, I don't mind the cuddles. Soren also knows when his daddy is gone and there is plenty of room next to mommy, his cuddles (and kicks) were welcomed.

We slept a bit later than normal, not allowing for time for me to really get a good grip on the day - which is probably why I was hit with emotions later on - I was vulnerable, ready to receive and needed to embrace my reality.

Embrace my fears.

Soren and I rushed around this morning, to get to church earlier than normal for I had a "meeting" for an event that I am helping put together.  It was filled with the love of so many women as we discussed, organized and most importantly prayed.

After the meeting I moved into talking and encountering friends, different walks and seasons of our life. Sat down, in church, listened to Sy preach about Luke 4 and how we need to encounter mess and mob so we can love like Jesus. I don't like mess, I don't like mobs (or crowds of any kind), I don't like not being in control.

It wasn't the spilling coffee on my Bible or the fact that I can't spell when doodling in my notebook (Hannah reminded me that this is why I should not be a tattoo artist) that rattled my brain or made me stir.

It was when we than sang Build My Life by the  Passion the chorus found a crack in my very controlled and rationalized heart.

"I will build my life upon Your love

It is a firm foundation

I will put my trust in You alone

And I will not be shaken" 

In order to build my life in Your love, I have to embrace my fears.
In order to experience a firm foundation, I have to embrace my fears.
In order to put my trust in You, alone, I have to embrace and then release my fears.
In order to not be shaken, I have to embrace you handling my fears.

A week, actually a few days, before Christmas, I had a friend over for coffee. We were able to catch up with each other's lives but then she asked me how I really felt about Jeremiah, the hubby, taking a job a few hours a way resulting in us having to move this summer.

I gave her what I thought was an honest answer, but now I know that the question was so incredibly deep that I wasn't ready to answer until now.

I am scared.

That same week I was at my parent's house, my sister and her oldest were there too.  Gideon, who's almost 6 was telling his almost 5 year old cousin that this summer he is going to be moving.  My sister asked me if that was still happening - for I have been very hesitant of sharing the news that this is our families' reality.  We were in a very similar situation a year ago and I have not fully recovered from that hurt and how things ended then; so I have been even more hesitant with about this move.  My mom then told Gideon that she was going to miss him, he looked her dead in the eyes and said "don't worry, I can find a new grandma" - my dad was laughing while I was trying to pull the dagger out of my mom's heart.

I am scared.

Before children I was ready to move anywhere, jump any time, do anything.  But now, there is comfort in knowing that our sons are growing up around family and church friends.

I realized today as we sang that song, building my life in His love and His truth means that I have to not be in control with this move. That we have been called to do kingdom work.  Embracing my fears of my next job, stability, finances, relationships, selling and buying homes, school and child care.... and on and on... and on.. - all of those fears have to be given to God.

So here it is - embracing not only my fear of moving, but embracing my fear to not be in control.

I tried - fighting {Who are you fighting for}

A little bit about me - for vulnerability opens hearts of others.

I am loyal to a fault,
and stubborn.
Favor the underdog.
Going against the norm, is my norm.
I ask tough questions,

making people mad and uncomfortable.
Believe in justice on all levels.

I am a white, working mom.
My heart is elastic.
I love quickly, deeply and hard.
When I am hurt, I rationalize the situation to pieces.
Over thinking is my hurdle.
If you hurt others, I hurt for you.
I do not believe in the death penalty.
I do not believe in war or harming others.
I do believe that love will win.
More times than not I feel very alone in this world.
Holding on to Joshua 1:9.
Taking care of others is my passion.
If I am not careful, my words are sharper than arrows.
One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 12: 9 - 21 (and many more).
My dad thought I was going to be a lawyer, I am a fighter. 

Now, I am a teacher. 

Earlier this week I got into one of those fun "word wars" on facebook feeds.  With a family member.  A lot of hurtful words were thrown my way, including the twisting of what I said; topics that were not even being debated were brought up - low easy blows - from a person who doesn't know my story.

I finally, said my peace and stopped responding.  Other people have since made comments; the carrot is in front me, waiting for me to nibble.  I have, on occasion, even typed up a response - pausing and deleting it as God asks me to.

My heart is heavy.  I have learned that if something bothers me long enough, that I need to share; regardless of if anyone agrees with me.  With enough prayer and honesty, I know God will be searching my heart one day; as he will do with others.  It's not my job to soul check others.  Gotta keep me in check.

I can't get over something that was said to me.  "You claim you're a Christian and you're standing up for injustice? No that's what I'm doing, defending president Trump, showing that he was never racist until he ran for president, and defending him from liberals and the media who have nothing better to do but insult him with impunity."  -JM

Who are you fighting for? 

Should our president's actions and words need so much defense?  A person of authority, leadership, great power, constant media coverage - constantly needing defense.  I don't need memes or youtube videos to hear the words that come from his mouth or see the "tweets" he post.

Later, this same word war, it was stated in my direction that if liberals weren't so closed minded and would see the truth and just listen for once that we wouldn't miss it.  *heavy sigh*  little do we know about each other.  Bubble living.

Who are you fighting for?

If you are asking someone to look for truth, but then do not welcome their comments, thoughts, insight, personal beliefs.... are you walking the walk or just talking the talk?

I was in tears over this conversation.
Angry tears.
Hurtful tears.
Mourning for their soul tears.

These people that I care about, and yes the strangers on this feed, are missing it.  

Who are you fighting for?

As you fight for the president....
Who's fighting for

the poor?

the oppressed?

the refugee?

the orphan?

the sick?

the homeless? 

the gay?
the widow?

the porn addict?
the prostitute?

the neighbor?

the least of these? 

(Matthew 25:40)

As I look back at these last few days, I have to remember that I am not here to fight for the President who has dug his own pits. The only way I will fight for him is through prayer.  

But I am hear to fight the good fight.  At least that is what I am trying.

I tried - remembering #behindtheblogger

This is my FIRST post with #BehindTheBlogger!  I am incredibly excited to be participating.  But the first prompt I was given was one that I have thought about the past few weeks.  Struggled with the past few days.  Although incredibly open ended, it also opens up a lot of things I want or need to be sealed shut.

I kept thinking the prompt was like a scary question, at the end of a shot gun barrel.
Loaded. 
It WAS a loaded question.

Typically I lean towards the non-filter, blunt, very opinionated person, ALWAYS ready to share my perspective of my little corner in the world.

However, when I started to remember, I reminisced how I use too write poetry; so I set out to write y’all a poem.

I started with:

Don’t you remember the time you hurt me?
Don’t you remember the time you changed my path forever?

But that’s as far as I got.

*Writers Block - It's totally real*

I don’t remember.
I try not to remember.
I don’t want you to remember the hurt.
For I don’t want to remember either.

The situations that I want to remain in the past, locked away, have been dealt with.  They have been shared with caring hearts and listening ears.  In order to keep moving forward, growing and maturing, I must not stay in the past.

I honestly struggle with memory. If something happens in my life and it does not have a powerful impact (positive or negative) I tend to forget.   Sadly, because my brain works like this I am overwhelmed with strong memories that shape how I view the rest of the world.  There are times, as a child, my very broad and vivid imagination would allow for my brain to come up with scenarios that weren’t true.  AND I would believe them. I just remember these silly moments for I was incredibly embarrassed when I was told that my memory never happened.  That I was believing a fictional situation.

Pictures and photography became my best friend – those little 4X6 pieces of papers are sometimes my own personal history book.  A timeline of my life.  A real life.  Events that actually happened, not created in a false reality.

I am thankful for where I have been.  Those times have made me stronger.  Have written my story. Allowed me to bring something different to my community.  I am needed.

Don’t you remember……

Thank you for reading a story from #BehindTheBlogger Hop. Every 2 weeks a group of bloggers is given a writing prompt.These prompts are very open ended, so our bloggers can write about whatever they desire. The main rule is that their blog post directly relates to the topic of that week. The point of this hop is for our readers to get to know us on a personal level.

Please hop along and read all of the blog posts in this weeks hop. Just click the links below. If you want real and raw emotion, then you will find it here. After you read each post, please comment and share. We want to get to know you too!

Are you a blogger looking to join our future hops? Sign Up Here!

I tried - sending cards {a lost art}

Sending Cards - A Lost Art of Communication


(This is the post that I've been keeping a secret for a while)

Some of my biggest treasures are secured within a box. These treasures mean nothing to others, but the world to me. They are the letters in which I have kept over the years.  As time moves, some grip my heart a little tighter than others.

~TREASURES~

*The letter from my dad.... several pages long... listing off why I can't have a co-ed birthday party when I was his little girl... every paragraph started with "I love you"
*The last letter I received from my grandmother before her body became so weak that she could no longer write.
*The birthday cards with kind messages are little gems I hold.
*The letters from my husband; even before we were married.
*The letters from my first vice-principal and students throughout the years remind me that I am in the right profession.

Now, I do understand that not everyone is a "words of affirmation person" - that I probably, more than others, cling to these words when I start to loose my foundation of reality or feel inferior to the rest of the world. But these tiny pieces of paper are invaluable.

~HISTORY~

As a child, I loved to write letters. At times it would be a reminder that I might have been born in the wrong decade or even century. Wishing and longing for the stories of my elders. The simplicity. The encounters and community at a post office. The love of the neighborhood mailman. The need to sit with coffee and open a small envelope filled of love.

I had pen pals growing up. And when my best friend in 5th grade moved across the country we were able to maintain a friendship through letters, even till this day we keep in touch via mail. In junior high and most of high school, I wrote notes with my friends - filling notebooks full of our thoughts and gossip (not that I was that type).

Any time I was frustrated and felt unheard, I wrote a letter. It allowed for the necessary time for my mind to digest and process the information while my heart would prepare its self for heartache or joy. I wrote letters to my parents, leaving them on their bed, and would wait for the time we would hold a face to face conversation. I wrote letters to the foreign exchange student that lived with us; a novel to read on her plane home.  I wrote letters to my husband, countless times. I've written unopened and even unsent letters to people who have no idea that they have hurt me, regardless of delivery, healing me the same.

~MY PASSION~

I love it all: Letters. Cards. Snail-mail. Calligraphy or Cursive. Interaction. Addresses. Stamps.

Back in February, I wanted to start a challenge that fit February, the month of "love" - so, I set out to write a letter a day. 28 letters - it was only the beginning. (Not a huge deal to the person who writes every student a Christmas/Holiday card for winter break = 130+ cards). Then March came around and it was time to pick a new monthly challenge.  I was getting into a rhythm and finding joy of writing these little jewels.  SO, for lent instead of giving up something I decided to do something. March's Challenge and for Lent was to continue to write a letter a day. 31 more letters - this is changing me. March came to a close, but Lent was still going on so for April, you guessed it.  I continued to write. 30 more letters - I've created a habit. We are now into May, I am still writing.  In fact, I am "caught up" to May 18th as far as writing goes. 31 letters to come - half are done.

~BLESSINGS~

Writing these letters has and continues to change me (for the better). You receive joy and blessings when you sit down out of your busy life and pause.  As you are pausing you are able to reflect, pray and remember people. God's perfect timing allows for me to encourage and bless others. I really enjoy getting a text, call, or facebook message letting me know that their precious mail had arrived; here are some generic responses I would hear:
* A friend getting a card on a bad day.
* A friend losing their new puppy, being cheered up by the mail.
* Shear shock and surprise to find "good" mail
* Encouragement to others when they are down or are feeling inadequate.

These letters have also blessed me, as I was going through a time of uncertainty, lacking community and connection.  By writing these cards, I was able to regain purpose in His Kingdom.  That I can be a source of encouragement regardless of my location.

My oldest and I would take trips to the post office, and as he would ask where each letter was going and whom it was for, I would take another moment to pray for the recipients and their own journey.

The post office is no longer an errand location, 

but a point of prayer. 

(a stack ready to be mailed)

~DETAILS IN THE NOTES~

A question that might be plaguing your mind is how did I do this. It really started out as an evening  activity.  But then I created a habit of writing for the week every Sunday night.  During the week I would keep a list in my notebook of people I encounter or that cross my mind. Sometimes the people's names are on my list for a while, but when I feel like it's the correct time, I write them. Most Sunday's I can write a week's worth of cards in around 30 minutes.  It really doesn't take long.  I'd write words of encouragements, scripture, questions checking in on them, gratitude and appreciation or sometimes jokes - really taking the time to focus on the person and what their individual need is.

At one point I remember writing cards while attempting to watch a comedy on TV with my husband. I could tell that the letters were not the quality that they could have been if I had removed myself from the distraction. You might be different and can multi-task better.

a person's smile > $0.64 

The cost of a stamp was pricier than the cost of the actual card.  We have a store that sells 8 cards for a dollar.  I would stock up on packages of blank cards giving me a variety to choose from. Seriously, it takes less than 64 cents to mail a word of encouragement.

Most of the card were mailed, and some were even returned (I learned the hard way that I should always put a return address - who knows how many cards are out there floating around without a home).  Some cards were simply given to the person. Asking for people's addresses takes time, but is well worth the investment.

~WHO TO WRITE~

My letters started out to those closer to me. Family. Then I branched out to the few friends I had, and continued to let my circle expand.  Here are some examples of groups of people I have written the last few months:
Family
My 90 year old neighbor
Our sponsored compassion kiddos
Friends over seas (some doing missions work)
Coworkers
Church members
Professors
Conference women
My self
Gideon's friends' (he does really good birthday cards)
For friends who have lost loved ones to celebrating their pregnancy
Thank you cards - hard work to hospitality

At one point I was working on the computer and my husband asked what I was doing. My response "looking up prisoner pen-pals" - you can actually write prisoners!  However, I have not been able to find a ministry that has called me to sign up. You can write prisoners like as if it was a dating site - I don't want that. If you know anyone in prison that would like a letter, please let me know.

I have a dear friend of mine from grade school, she also recently wrote a book, but Kaitlin writes a letter to President Trump every Tuesday  #trumptuesdays  feel free to ask about her journey and why it's important for him to hear her voice.

Who needs a letter from you?

I tried - reading Calm My Anxious Heart [Book Review]

First, I need to clarify a few things before I begin this book review or book report.   I am not a strong reader; a different person could read this and get something out of it that I might have missed.  So please take that into consideration when choosing to read any book I report about.

February - I read "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. 

I thought it would be fitting for February, the month is all about hearts, it tends to be a quick month that causes anxiety or worry.  

This book was a sweet surprise gift from a co-worker.  My goal is to pass in on to someone else and continue to share it (so if that person is you, please let me know).

Calm My Anxious Heart was published in 2007.  So I felt like there were stories that were not relevant any more in today's age.  For example, she was constantly talking about e-mails, but never mentioned Facebook, Snapchap, Twitter, Instagram, etc and  the effects that social media can have on individuals if they allow it.  

The second biggest 'down side' to reading this was I didn't find it very practical or applicable to me.  I don't tend to be a person who is anxious.  I AM A PERSON WHO IS IMPATIENT! But when I am faced with a situation I tend to face it with facts and begin to string together a to-do list of how to handle the situation.   HOWEVER, I did like reading it for I know several women (and men) who are anxious or tend to worry and I can now be a better friend for them and not so cold/data driven.    {Please read the previous blog post, it shares some of my thoughts on spiritual maturity to my emotional level}

Chapter 1 - Philippians 4:11-13 - She talks about God's provision.  That we need to make it a holy habit where we praise God and not complain.  That we should focus on eternity and let tomorrow belong to God.   Like tea, we need to be infused in God's word, contentment takes time.   God does provide and does not need our help; therefore we can not and should not be in control.   I am teaching our boys "have a good attitude and be content."  we define content by saying  "being okay with what you were given." Just like my children, as a child of God, I need to be content with what I have been given.

Chapter 2 - Philippians 4:6-8 - This chapter she discusses the ideas of being content with our circumstances. That we are commanded to do not with anxiety but do everything in and with prayer.  How often is prayer your last resort?  Just like teaching my boys, I will ask, "are you part of the problem or part of the solution?"  I feel like if we just worry about something we are part of the problem, but if we pray about it we can help be apart of the solution.   By choosing prayer over worry we will discover peace.  Practice makes permanent is something I tell my students, the same concept applies with our prayer life.

Chapter 3 - Psalm 134:14 - This is when she talks about being content with ourselves.  Every time we are not pleased with ourselves is like we are arguing with God.  It's all about perspective.  Try to focus on what you do have instead of what what you don't have.  For example, while doing Whole30 we could focus on what we can't eat, but that's depressing, we can however focus on all the yummy foods we can have.  We have to be rulers of our attitude, time, schedule, and relationship with  God.  

Chapter 4 - Matthew 20:28 - To be content within our role.  First, even today at church, we were reminded where our identity can be found.  We have to be content in our roles. 

Chapter 5 - Colossians 3:12-14 - The chapter focused on being content in our relationships.  That in order to be content we also have to forgive.  For more scripture please read 1 Peter 2:21 and Hebrews 12:15.   Again this is where I can see social media becoming an issue for others and their discontentment.  We don't tend to be public with our negative events in our lives, causing a false reality to those who see us.  Again, it's about perspective.  I know what real life is like and try to be transparent on facebook as well.  It does no one any good being false to one another.

Chapter 6 - Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 119:4, Proverbs 30:15 - When will WE be enough and stop using money as a measuring tool?  This surprised me, 16 out of 39 of the parables told by Jesus directly related and taught about money/wealth.    Just remember everything belongs to God (James 1:16 - 17) Heart attitude is the issues, for our true treasure is in Heaven (Psalm 62:10), God comes first, possessions come second (I would even say, after people) (Matthew 6:24), Possessions are to be used not loved and adored (Luke 12:15).    You really have to search your heart, not your wallets, when it comes to being content with money.

Chapter 7 - Ephesians 5:15-17 - Having a faulty focus can cause a huge problem in your heart.  Look at the big picture. Know the difference between platform and purpose.   Romans 8:28-29.

Chapter 8 - Worrying is like a rocking chair - it keeps you busy, but you don't get anywhere.   She said, "Quiet tension is not trust, it is simply compressed anxiety."  I like that, I have to constantly refocus on God.  Worry is not the same thing as being concerned.

Chapter 9 - Hebrews 11:1 - Faith is the bridge that we have to take so we can be content even when life doesn't make sense.  Intellectual belief verses wholehearted faith was brought to my attention in this chapter.  Faith is very powerful, for it is rooted in God's character.  That God is always a loving father, that he allows everything for good, and he will carry us through all things.   God's character is also sovereign, wise, and love.

Chapter 10 - Jeremiah 17:7-8 - We have to make the lord our trust and remove our self from the if-diseases called "what-if" and "if-only"

Chapter 11 - Psalm 77:11-14  - We have to trust God to handle the "if only" in our lives.  Not to live with regrets, that we have to be content in all circumstances.  God is the ultimate problem solver.  That when we trust God with what we are given, peace will come through acceptance.   I might not have an anxious heart, but is it full of peace?

Chapter 12 - Habakkuk 3:17-19 - we will be faced with crooked times, and those times require faith.

One of my favorite parts was in Chapter 11 where she told an old Portuguese story of a poor old man in a village who astounded the other villagers when his situation wasn't that to be envied.  Go here if you'd like to read it.

The story of this old man just makes me think: Is what I am facing a curse or blessing?  If it is a curse, I will praise and pray with God.  If it is a blessing I will praise and pray with God.

So - who has an anxious heart that I can share this book with?

Next  month - March I am reading "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" By Mark Haddon.

Until then - live loved. 

I tried - being spiritually emotional

I posted a question on facebook the other day about if your emotional level equates that of your spiritual level?

I was pleased with the responses I got; well they at least reassured me that I wasn't crazy.

See, I am not emotional.  I don't cry at the sad-puppy dog eyes (those commercials are too much cheese for me - seriously, there are people dying and starving and we are worried about a dog.  People first  - but that's another soap box another time).  Right there, that statement, some of you read and thought "she has no heart" how can she?  She can, because of rationalization and facts.

I operate on numbers, data and facts.  Not feelers.

Don't get empathy and sympathy mixed up. "To sum up the differences between the most commonly used meanings of these two terms: sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow or pity for the hardships that another person encounters, while empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another." - when you google search "empathy vs sympathy."

I have compassion, specially for people.  But I am of the nature that instead of joining in the person's emotion, I am searching for ways to help find a solution.  I have sympathy, and can understand your heartache, your pain, or your overwhelming joy  - but I will not enable or join you on the journey with your emotions.

I didn't cry when I got married - and thought I was weird.
I didn't cry when either of my boys were born.  Thought I was weird.

I cry out of frustration. When you get so mad, you just bubble over and scream (not at people, just to let the tension out).
I cry when my facts and numbers "don't add up" and I can't "logic" or "reason" my way through a situation.

I cried when  people died - why?  Why now?  Why them?  Why me?  (It didn't add up to me)
I cried when I couldn't handle a puppy for three days.  So frustrated.  Mad.  I'm smarter than this.  I should have been able to make dinner, love on two boys, and help a puppy not poop and pee in our house 5 times.
I cried when I was told by a peer group that they didn't think I was a Christian.  I was confused, frustrated, betrayed and hurt.

You can click here to take the color code if you'd like. 

I have had several people share that they value my red.  Or that they come to me to help them sort through their emotions to find a solution. I do my best to not let my 'redness' not over take the other parts of me.  For I find blue, yellow and white within me too and they have equal importance.  A time and place.

I strive for balance.

But for a brief second I was worried.
I was worried that I was out of balance to my peer group again.

Do people (other Christians more specifically) look at my lack of emotions as lack of spirituality or Christianity.    To be a "good spiritual Christian" should I cry more?

When I posted this on facebook people, in summary, said that we are made the way we are.  We are made to be different, and that is good.

*sigh*  I can breathe again.  I am okay.

I might connect to my religion and faith differently than that of a person who is "yellow" or "blue" - but there is no one that can judge me, for I have a righteous judge - in the end.
I might show my emotions differently than other people; but that's okay.  Just like a rainbow, we are all needed to make the world more beautiful.

I am glad that God made me a person who is good at being a leader, using facts - this allows for me to excel in my job and better teach my students. If it wasn't for my redness, I personally believe, in my opinion my house wouldn't be in the shape that it is - for efficiency is something I strive for.

But, like anyone - my new goal is not to worry about what others think of me but just make sure that my red isn't too sharp.  I don't want to hurt people with my lack of feelers.  I want to find that balance to be more disciplined to be a better kingdom builder.

My lack of emotion does not equate to my spiritual maturity.  

What are your thoughts? Do you feel like the color code is accurate?  Do you think your spiritual maturity can be seen by other's, does it matter?

I tried - not getting involved (Politics)

Okay, did I really try not getting involved.  Probably not. I like to challenge/compete with people. Read this summer's post to get a taste.

However, politics would frequently cross my mind.
Doing dishes, crossed my mind
Praying with my children, crossed my mind
Watching a comedy, crossed my mind
Reading, crossed my mind
Talking to friends, crossed my mind
Running on the trail, crossed my mind
Sweeping, crossed
Folding laundry....

As a person who likes to write; I have a voice, and I wanted to share my thoughts.

But then, not just the topics, but the questions WHAT do I write and HOW do I write this post kept popping in my head.
Do I talk/write to Christians?
Do I talk/write (and apologize) to non-Christians?
Do I talk/write to the topics?
Do I talk/write not wanting to crush toes?
Do I talk/write with every force of nature I can muster?

I decided, it would be best (for me) to write from my heart.

A few statements before we dive into this post:
I am writing this to all parties, all beliefs, all people.
I am writing this out of a place of love.
I am writing this from my knowledge, experiences and insight (which can be small at times).
I am writing this hoping to not stir up debates or upset people but to share my voice.
I am writing this with the idea that maybe something I say can spark your  own curiosity to do your own research.
I am writing this knowing that I am not perfect at anything.
I am writing this knowing that someone challenged me a long time ago and set my intellect into motion.
I am writing this knowing that I have lots to learn, from others.
I am writing this for me, so my head can stop swirling around politics and I can refocus on what truly matters.

Where to begin.

**** Heavy sigh ***

I have been reading several blogs, articles, commentaries, and even my peers own personal thoughts the last several weeks.    There are times that I agree, smile and share.  There are times that I post questions hoping to shine light on both sides of the story.  There are times that I read my Christian friends comments and cringe.  There are times that I read my non-Christian friends comments and sing praise.

Let me get one thing out there.  I am not voting. What a relief to share that.
I. Am. Not. Voting.

Honestly, I have never voted in my life.  Before, when I was younger, I didn't vote because I did not care.  I didn't vote because I was lazy.  I didn't vote because I saw no purpose in it.  As I got older, some of those excuses transformed into supported reasons.

Now, here's the condition to me not voting.  I also don't complain.  I tend to be of the nature that can see the glass as just half.  That's it.  It's half.  Why does it have to be half full or half empty.  Why can't we be content with just half.  I like to see multiple points of views on topics.  I like to have my mind challenged to ignite growth.  I like to hear people discuss ideas, not each other.    So, even though I don't vote, I don't complain - for no matter who is in office, there is no perfect world.  There will always be positives and negatives to every thing.  EVERY. THING.    The government is just half.  Just like I see good in both main candidates; I also see some room for growth.

Some people reading this might be thinking "You are the problem.  Megan, you are part of the problem.  You my dear, are non-american.  How disrespectful are you?!?"  Whatever you may be thinking, if you truly have a question about why I don't vote, please ask, I am not afraid to share.

Am I not American?  No, I am.  I was born here.  I work here.  I pay taxes here. Do I say the pledge - nope, I use that brief moment to pray for my day, my students, and my country.  I pledge allegiance to my God, HIS kingdom.  For this world is not my home.

Am I really that disrespectful? How do I not support such a great country, How DARE me?   Nothing I do is hurting anyone.  Well, some feelings might be hurt by my boldness in my statements.  But I can only pray that the hurt people feel can be reflected and mediated on, allowing for God to present Himself.   I still respect my authorities.  I pay my taxes, abide by the law of the lands, and love people.

Am I really part of the problem?  Do we even know what the PROBLEM really is?    If I am the biggest problem that anyone has, I would honestly say, that is probably a success.

To me, the problem is not in the government.  

The problem starts from the church.  

It's you.  

It's me.   

Even typing that, I felt a little worried about the feedback I am going to get from this post.  But, I need to say it.  
That's right.  WE the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect.........perfect what....we live in a broken world, and WE are the problem.

I catch myself occasionally asking my 4.5 year old "are you part of the problem or part of the solution?"   And here we are, a young country, that has lots to learn.  We had some major growth spurts and some obvious set backs in maturity.  But compared to the world, America, we are still babies - we must walk before we can run, if not, stumbling will occur.

When you post on social media, are you part of the problem or are you part of the solution?

Problem: Abortion.   Solution: Love people.
Problem: Foster Care.  Solution: Love people.
Problem: Death penalty.  Solution: Love people.
Problem: Drugs.   Solution: Love people.
Problem: Marriage license.  Solution: Love people
Problem: Boarder, extremist groups, terror.   Solution: Love people.
Problem: Violence towards cops.  Solution: Love people.
Problem: Violence towards blacks.  Solution: Love people.
Problem: Education funds.  Solution: Love people.
Problem: Healthcare cost.  Solution: Love people.
Problem: Unemployment. Solution: Love people.

I challenge you to read Romans 13.   You can find it here, and even change it to a translation that best suites you.  This chapter has helped my husband develop his own personal thoughts and opinions on the election, but also have been a pivotal piece in my own mindset.

We, the church, to form a more perfect union, his kingdom on earth, his will be done.....

We are to love Hillary Clinton, for she is the daughter of the king.
We are to love Donald Trump, for he is a son of a king.
We are to love the unborn babies.
We are to love the murders.
We are to love the multi-cultures
We are to love the drug addicts
We are to love the gays
We are to love the blacks
We are to love the whites
We are to love the cops
We are to love the teachers
We are to love the students
We are to love each other.

If you are not a Christian, you don't have to full-fill the law by loving people.
But I sure hope, if you are not a Christian, you have been filled by a Christian's love.

How are you loving people?  I challenge your mind set, your heart, your belief.  Dig into His word, ask tough questions.  What truly matters?

***

So, I tried not getting involved with politics; I will do my best for this to be the last post, comment, or even rhetoric response.   If you want to talk to me; please let's get coffee, or e-mail/message me.

For now - the next two weeks - I will pray.

And in case you don't know.  You are loved.

I tried - inviting myself {uninvited book study}

This week.  Can I get a sigh.

A sigh, of relief that it's over.
A sigh, that a new one is going to begin.
A sigh, a moment of pause.
A sigh, that we aren't perfect.

It's been an odd week for me.

There are a lot of changes happening in our home, communities, schools, church, globally.   The tension is high.

Or maybe it's just "that season".... you know the season, you just kinda get in a rut.  Or groove.  And maybe you like "that season"... maybe you don't.    Don't get me wrong, I love fall.  I love back to school routines.  But, I also need time of rest... to process.  I want to process the summer.  I want to meditate on what's a head.  I want a break to just sit by the river and be at peace.    My season is one of conflict and contradictions.  And now, without a moment's hesitation, I am staring at the face of "that season."

The season came quickly.  It really did.  It started last Sunday.

Our church started up a huge campion or kick off to get more small groups or home groups up and running.   We have known for the past month or so that our current group would be splitting into some other groups; multiplying, making more disciples for the kingdom.  The change was slow and I was prepared for it.    What I was not prepared was for some heartache to follow.

By inviting new people into my home I had to 1) let go of some people I dearly enjoyed seeing weekly and 2) realize I couldn't have everyone in our group.

See, I have this problem.  It really is a problem, even though others don't see it like that.   It pains me to see people left out.  I guess I have always felt that way, but it wasn't until I was an adult that I could classify it.  In high school, I literally knew everyone - at least their name, I would sit at different lunch tables every day, I hung out with a variety of people, went to every stereotypical party you could think of.  The problem wasn't me being kind to people, the problem was the feeling I would get when I would feel left out.   I never wanted others to feel excluded; but the root of the problem wasn't inviting people, it was the fact that I am not very good at sharing.  Can I not just have a friend in my life, that is all mine?  Does that happen?  Is that even healthy or normal?

I'm like the friendship cupid <-----is that even a thing?  I'm really good at being the third, or fifth, or seventh wheel in friendships.   Getting the right people together is easy for me.
Being pushy + observant = new friends for others
I had a few close friends, but even within those close friendships I was still behind someone else who got the title "best friend"  -  I never had the other half to the BFF broken heart-shaped necklace.  I was the ultimate third wheel.    **side note: Sisseck, I question this statement - you and Crystal were close, but you were my high school best friend, I'd say and I think you might agree... so don't think "what about me!?" for I love you dearly**

I just kind of stumbled through life, doing my own thing, being friends to people and then once they were set up with better friends, moving on.  As I got older it became more obvious.   And sometimes the friendships blossomed because I had to move or leave for outside forces (moving states tends to hinder friendships).  There are times when friendships just don't align because of time - working mom = less time/crazy schedule.  

So....  last week, we have this small group kick off.  There were moments that were really hard for me.  It was like being picked last for dodge ball or something.   People would ask us questions and then would move to the next group and sign up.  Or I would watch as friends and people I knew socialized and grew into groups right in front of my eyes.  This glass wall was all around me.

Seriously, the silence was deafening in my head.

THEN, a few days later I got this e-mail.

Subject:  "Sign up for the "Uninvited" Online Bible Study"

God - you are too good to me.    The tag line was: Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely.

This had to be an e-mail only for me.  No one else feels like this.  Right?  It was a joke?  Facebook is covered in pictures of tight-knit neatly-woven friendships.    I am the only one who feels left out (like pretty regularly), right?

Perfect.  Timing.

As I looked into the book, I realized this was the perfect opportunity for me.   I texted Jeremiah a few questions and quickly signed up online for the bible study and ordered the book.

I am not a reader of books (articles are my go to, infographics are superb).   But it has taken a lot of strength for me to not open this book.   I am waiting for the perfect moment.   I want to soak up every word.  I want to breath out every relief.  I want to pause with every word that reminds me that I am loved.

The study starts September 6th.  If you are interested in joining me; let me know.  Sign up here.  Because of my "problem" - I really do invite all women (and maybe even men, I can't say or judge) to look into this.  My goal is to post thoughts fairly regularly here; so if you are hesitant or want a review, keep checking back.

There's a song by Matt Redman; "Never Once" - it popped into my head as I was writing this.     Give it a listen.  Or read the lyrics and let them resinate deep into your heart.

I am not alone.  You are not alone.

You are invited by Him.

** Also, our small group minister was able to give us names of families and individuals that I look forward to grow with in community.  This post was not about groups or them but about feeling left out.**
**I need to add that I did not right this post to hurt anyone.  If you felt like growing up or even now we were good friends, we probably were or are.   Don't hesitate to shoot me a message. **
**2017 now, looking back, God took us on an entirely different journey!**

I tried - having emotions

Recently I have been getting together with a wiser lady from our church.  Just someone to help navigate my path; as a wife to a Christian college husband.  As a baby in biblical teachings. 

Recently I told her how I am the emotionless friend. In the previous weeks I had women come to me - admitting that they came to me because I am their "calm me down," "rational" or "emotionless" friend/person.

{can I be transparent} 

My heart is thawing. I WANT TO FEEL.  My heart has been so protected over the last couple of decades.  My heart was hardened and locked away.  My only goal in life was to not let anyone see or be close.  For anyone I let in always failed, hurt or left me.   

For awhile I have been asking God to break my heart for what breaks his.  

As I begin to learn about my emotions and what I feel, I now get teary-eyed at joyful sightings.  I now praise louder not caring about my horrible tune.  I now weep at the brokenness of the world.  I now pray more. I am more intentional with people.  Even my own students' stories lay heavy on my heart. I truly listen to those speaking to me -- with the intent to listen, not to respond.   

I AM STARTING TO FEEL. 

It's probably strange to ask for feelings or emotions.  But I thought I was weird. I was thinking too much about my thinking. 

I asked my mentor if I needed to change? If it's possible to over think, analyze; be too scheduled, routined, organized, practical, rational, ISTJ.  

She agreed that the church/body of Christ needs all people to function. That people need people like me.   That's why people come to me - I bring a sense of stability. 

Hearing that; my heart melted a bit more.  

I genuinely do care about people perception of me. I want them to see Jesus  through me. 

Although I can not change who I am (someone else is in charge) I am learning about perspective, tact and loving like Jesus.  Although I am still honest - I do my best to speak with dignity, grace and love.  I now continue to pray for the correct words to speak to people. I pray for timing. I pray to be more like him.  I am so thankful to have people in my life who are Jesus to me; to be those examples, to give me grace in return as they help me grow.  And I am thankful that God allows me to have opportunities to love people. 

I am sure it's cliche - but seriously. Knowing that my heart is in his hands reminds me that my approach to the world was wrong.  I guarded my heart for people broke it - but God protects my heart for I am his daughter and he is my king.  

There is a peace that overwhelms me.  I FEEL HIS PRESENCE.   I am thankful for having that peace. That feeling. That emotion. 

I tried having emotions. And they are there.  But most importantly I am no longer locking my self up and defending my heart with sharp word-like arrows. 

God is good.  He brings us peace.  He has brought me peace.   I am learning to feel have healthy emotions.  But most importantly he has brought me peace knowing that I am an important part of the body of Christ. 

I challenge you this week to ask for peace into your life. To be the peace others are so desperately looking for. I challenge you to find peace even in times when you are overwhelmed and lost.  

I tried - having emotions.  I found them. How about you? Are you on the emotional frontier or more reserved with letting others in? How do you handle the rough times? How do your praise the good?