I have a lot of words

I have a lot of words;

        swirling

around

                my

    head

just dancing

                and

    spinning

stopping for

    no

    one. 

  I have         a lot of 

 words; deep in my

    heart     woven 

       tight   with 

            every

             beat

I have a lot of words.

For this world.

About this world.

Not of this world.

Thoughts

and 

Feelings.

Shame, guilt,

pride, joy. 

But even though I have these words, does it matter?

No one to hear them.

Not the whisper

Nor the SHOUTS. 

The words can fall empty, 

into empty hands.

empty souls. 

emptiness. 

I want to share....

        I think....

                    I do? 

But I will hold onto these words.

Keep them safe.

From the corruption of the world.

From the death grips of culture.

From those who don't understand (care to understand). 

I will hold these words.

Keep them close to my heart.

Keep them dancing in my head. 

I have a lot of words. 

I am....

 I am... well... I am an 8 and I am angry.  

Current tunes, believe it or not, "Bella's Lullaby" 

This weekend I attended a Christian Women's Retreat/Event. And here's what pisses me off (and if that word offends you, might as well stop reading and saddle on up to ride on out). 

1) Not a single person, other than myself, that I am aware of prayed for Ukraine. My mind was just shocked. I kept waiting for someone to bring it up. Maybe it was spoken in small groups. Maybe I nodded off or slipped out to that bathroom at those moments. But seriously. Totally in shock. 

2) A "leader" stated (for the second time) how BUSY I am and how difficult it is to have community and that we hope to have community when we return. Here's why I am not okay with that... that person had no right to speak about my life when they are not currently speaking life into me. Twice they used that word "busy" as if they know me... in reality they don't have the slightest idea. 

In fact. I am not too busy for people. I make time, or attempt to make time, for the people who want to make OUR relationship a priority. 

So, if you are reading this, I am not too busy for you.  We have a saying in our home: 
"not late, not early, just welcome" and I stay true to those words. Whether it's taking a phone call during my boy's judo practice, or going to waffle house across town at midnight, even the dreaded waking up early to go shopping. =] I am there. 

As an 8 we don't carry much emotion. We are passionate, loyal and angry. I am tough on the inside, but totally a softy for my people.

I am angry. I am me. 

Before I leave, just wanted to pray for Ukraine: 
God, you know the outcome of this war, and the bigger war that we are facing. A broken world, filled with more heart ache than I can handle. God, I ask you to protect the moms giving life in bomb shelters. I pray for teenagers that are becoming adults as they pick up a weapon. I pray for children, that you might be able to bring peace, just for a moment. God, they are in good hands. Thank you for creating us just the way we are meant to be. 

God, thanks for creating me to be angry and passionate. Although my heart breaks, I am thankful for the few who can see the cracks and have stuck by to mend me together. 

PS - I wish I was normal sometimes. 

Credit: Suko Family, Ukraine

I tried reading diverse books

We all have a story. 

Part of my story....three years ago, if you asked me, I would not say I was a reader. Fast forward, I am now working on my master's degree to become a media specialist/librarian with an emphasis on being culturally relevant and using books to build bridges.  

This is a list of my favorite young adult literature, including some non-fiction and from a variety of backgrounds. 

 
Jason Reynolds IS one of my favorite authors, hands down.
Also check out, Long Way Down, The Boy in the Black Suit, and When I was the Greatest

I can't rave enough about this book! Thank you Angie Thomas for creating this!
(Also a movie, but I have not seen it)

I had a student who didn't talk much in class, but after I read this book (that he suggested) we started to talk history. It really helped me have a better understanding of MLK, the movement, and his murder.

A fiction tribute to Dr. King. 

This was a wonderful non-fiction, insightful, to a situation that is close to home. Education. 

Written in verse, and just a terrific read. 

It's been a couple of years since reading this, still makes the list! 


If you don't know where to begin, start here. A collection of 14 diverse short stories.

 
The above two books are about journeys away from home (Hispanic focused)

I LOVED these two books! Malala is an inspirational young lady and Refugee follows the stories of 3 teenagers and their journeys during war and dictatorship. 

I know I didn't really say much or give a clear synopsis of the above books.  Awesome, wonderful, terrific, can't put down, page turner, call to action, are all words I would use to describe them. These books really shaped me. If you are looking for something a little more adult, without doubt, please check out Just Mercy (also a movie!). 

And if you are looking for some more kid friendly selections, this list would be a great place to start: https://www.sittercity.com/parents/childrens-books-to-educate-about-racism?fbclid=IwAR0kRaas4SAHMroroGsJB-KXwvewyo0XiyQ3a6-K7ZSgAf3rTQr_DophL_k

These books are stories. Some true, some from imagination. But they represent truth. 

Our (the world even) narrative must change. Our hearts must change. Pick up a book. If reading a diverse book is the only thing you change this year, well it's a start. Thank you. 

Then. 
Talk to people.
Ask Questions. 
AND
LISTEN.
Smile at people. 

We all have a story. 

Suicide, Why... (a poem and other random thoughts about censorship)

There is a lot going on around my head. A couple of topics that keep popping up, and they are requesting my attention to then be processed. They are: Superbowl, censorship, suicide.

Yes. Somehow in my brain these three topics are connected and are coming up regularly in many formats. Here is the timeline of events.

*I have been thinking about the act of suicide a lot lately (since October), not for me, but in memory of the ones I or others have lost. Thinking in circles. Tears filling my eyes. Prayers in my soul.

*Mid-January I started my graduate program; in short I can be a Librarian. My studies though have the emphasis on building bridges with the Hispanic community. This program has already opened up many conversations and sparked several thoughts about diversity, humanity and culture. It's rather quiet beautiful and I am enjoying myself.

*A couple weeks ago the Superbowl happened. The chiefs one (woot woot) - but the half time show brought a lot of attention among the circles I associate with. I don't know if you know this, but dancing in very little clothing can be controversial. I agreed with much of what was said, both sides of the conversation too. Teaching in a classroom, where half of my students are Hispanic, I enjoyed the cultural aspect of the halftime SHOW. Being a mom, I can also see how there were moments that maybe little eyes shouldn't see. Which is my right as a parent to censor what my children see and consume (they were playing outside... one got bit by a mouse... like, for real).

*This week in my graduate program we are working through ideas about banned books and censorship. For one of the assignments we have to pick a book from 10 popular banned books. One of them was 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. I have not read the book, but it reminded me about the Netflix show that I watched years ago. I posted (2.5 years ago!) about the show.

And now - we are back to suicide.
Maybe to you they aren't connected. That's fine. Thanks to the First Amendment, we have the freedom to read and write that of our choosing.

(Quote by: Laurie Halse Anderson)

Here's a poem I wrote a few weeks ago:

"Suicide, why?"

Suicide, why?

Why did you take
     My friends dad when we were kids?

Why did you take
     My friends grandpa?

Why did you take
     My friends father in law,
          and later
     Her brother?

Why did you take
     My former teacher?

Why? Just, Why?

Why did you take
      My student, my kiddo?

and in the same week

Why did you take
     My husband's uncle?

Suicide, why?

Why did you take
     My friend?

Suicide.
      Why?
          ?



To those that I miss deeply.
This year I wanted to Bloom and be a better person.
I want to do it for you.


***** if you are in need of help, please click here ******

I tried to {FOCUS} on PRO LIFE....

Pro Life:

the (counter)argument from a Jesus follower

First, some background information.  I am an INTJ.  I enjoy facts, deep conversation, growth and development.  I have also recently discovered that I am a OneWingTwo which classifies me as advocate. I am a teacher, a mother, a Jesus follower.  And I am passionate. 

Second, I am going to do my best to shine light (from multiple angles... and articles) onto an issue or topic that has been plaguing my mind for a while.  Although it would make my life easier if everyone agreed with me, that's not my intentions with this post.  Through verbal processing and challenging conversations I am able to grow.  My intentions are to ask questions to get those around me to think.  Not like me. But think about what they truly believe.

****

For months I have been stewing over a couple of current events; they mainly fall under the word 'prolife'.   I have had friends and peers discuss the repercussions of getting vaccines in lieu of supporting abortions.  New York rejoiced as they legalized abortion. The government shutting down, sacrificing benefits to those in need.  Immigration and discussion of a wall being built to ensure our countries safety. 

How do you identify yourself? 
Pro-life
Pro-birth
Anti-abortion
Human rights advocate
Neutral
Pro-choice

These titles are sometimes used in the wrong context or without true meaning. I know I struggle with claiming to be pro-life.  *gasps*

I don't consider myself a true pro-lifer because I don't boycott living, explanation to follow.  Honestly, I am not for sure where I fall or what I call myself.

Personally, when I hear the word pro-life, I believe that is all life (in and out of the womb).   The Gospel Coalition writes about the term here. 

Boycotting
Some pro-life people are going to extreme measures and boycotting things that do not support their personal beliefs. 

For example, people are not getting vaccines believing that the vaccines had grown with/in aborted human tissue.    Does getting vaccines make me a baby killer?  Do they do more harm than good? Or vice versa? If I get a vaccine am I allowed to claim pro-life as my identity?

Does consuming chocolate contradict being pro-life?  Since the 70's the Nestle company has been under the lens for causing all sorts of problems for the living.  From formula and water contamination in unequipped countries.  To recent events of stealing water from the Lakota people. Are their products made my child slaves in terrible conditions?  Is that supporting life?  If a person purchases these products are they causing others to suffer? At the bottom of the article there is an image of some of the top brands Nestle produces, do you boycott all of those to protect life?

If you watch the Super Bowl are you against humanity, a non-pro-lifer? Major sporting events, including the olympics, has issues with sex(human) trafficking.  If you do not boycott sports, or even the internet with advertisements, are you really pro-life?

What if you can't afford child-labor free clothing and your garments that you are currently wearing were made by tiny hands? Do the clothes on your own back create an imbalance to being labeled as a pro-lifer?

What happens if you don't sign every petition allowing for all on death-row to be placed on the 'inmate for life' list? If one does not boycott the death penalty then can you say you are willing to protect all life? Does the death penalty align with your religious view or loving ALL people?

Investing
On the other side of the coin, if a person does not invest in certain ideas or products do they turn against pro-life ideologies?

Let's start with a basic concept.  Adoption or fostering.  If a healthy, totally equipped family does not choose to adopt or foster, are they not investing in pro-life reform?

What about immigration and building a wall?  If you support and invest not letting people (regardless of your reason), do you truly value the living?

Organ donation is yet another topic to consider when you want to discuss pro-life issues.  If you choose to go to the grave with your body intact, are you not investing in life?

Definition
Maybe just using the proper definitions will allow for better conversations to take place?  The online dictionary defines pro life as an adjective "opposed to legalize abortion; right-to-life." 

Last question: is being pro-life an all or nothing type of topic... or pick and choose what issue you want to stand firm on?

DTR before you get on facebook, twitter, instagram, etc before you claim one angle or another.  Define the relationship with yourself and with others before words on a device become deceived division makers.

(P.S. I am not trying to convict or accuse. I do not want to upset or hurt.  I am trying for us to dig deeper into our thoughts before we proclaim a classification or identity claim; making others shell up thinking they are inferior for supporting (or not) one idea or another) #getofsoapboxtalkingaboutsoapboxes. 

Remember: You are loved.

I tried - fighting {Who are you fighting for}

A little bit about me - for vulnerability opens hearts of others.

I am loyal to a fault,
and stubborn.
Favor the underdog.
Going against the norm, is my norm.
I ask tough questions,

making people mad and uncomfortable.
Believe in justice on all levels.

I am a white, working mom.
My heart is elastic.
I love quickly, deeply and hard.
When I am hurt, I rationalize the situation to pieces.
Over thinking is my hurdle.
If you hurt others, I hurt for you.
I do not believe in the death penalty.
I do not believe in war or harming others.
I do believe that love will win.
More times than not I feel very alone in this world.
Holding on to Joshua 1:9.
Taking care of others is my passion.
If I am not careful, my words are sharper than arrows.
One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 12: 9 - 21 (and many more).
My dad thought I was going to be a lawyer, I am a fighter. 

Now, I am a teacher. 

Earlier this week I got into one of those fun "word wars" on facebook feeds.  With a family member.  A lot of hurtful words were thrown my way, including the twisting of what I said; topics that were not even being debated were brought up - low easy blows - from a person who doesn't know my story.

I finally, said my peace and stopped responding.  Other people have since made comments; the carrot is in front me, waiting for me to nibble.  I have, on occasion, even typed up a response - pausing and deleting it as God asks me to.

My heart is heavy.  I have learned that if something bothers me long enough, that I need to share; regardless of if anyone agrees with me.  With enough prayer and honesty, I know God will be searching my heart one day; as he will do with others.  It's not my job to soul check others.  Gotta keep me in check.

I can't get over something that was said to me.  "You claim you're a Christian and you're standing up for injustice? No that's what I'm doing, defending president Trump, showing that he was never racist until he ran for president, and defending him from liberals and the media who have nothing better to do but insult him with impunity."  -JM

Who are you fighting for? 

Should our president's actions and words need so much defense?  A person of authority, leadership, great power, constant media coverage - constantly needing defense.  I don't need memes or youtube videos to hear the words that come from his mouth or see the "tweets" he post.

Later, this same word war, it was stated in my direction that if liberals weren't so closed minded and would see the truth and just listen for once that we wouldn't miss it.  *heavy sigh*  little do we know about each other.  Bubble living.

Who are you fighting for?

If you are asking someone to look for truth, but then do not welcome their comments, thoughts, insight, personal beliefs.... are you walking the walk or just talking the talk?

I was in tears over this conversation.
Angry tears.
Hurtful tears.
Mourning for their soul tears.

These people that I care about, and yes the strangers on this feed, are missing it.  

Who are you fighting for?

As you fight for the president....
Who's fighting for

the poor?

the oppressed?

the refugee?

the orphan?

the sick?

the homeless? 

the gay?
the widow?

the porn addict?
the prostitute?

the neighbor?

the least of these? 

(Matthew 25:40)

As I look back at these last few days, I have to remember that I am not here to fight for the President who has dug his own pits. The only way I will fight for him is through prayer.  

But I am hear to fight the good fight.  At least that is what I am trying.

I am overwhelmed {with today's news}

Most of my blog titles contain the words "I tried" or "I am trying"
Today I simply, am.

I am overwhelmed with heart break, confusion, anger, compassion, and love.

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog about being the devil's advocate when it comes to black vs blue lives mattering.  A few months after that, during the election, I posted about loving all people.

Today, many of the same thoughts raise up in me.

Saying I am overwhelmed is the easy part.  I can not seem to find the words I am looking for as current history is taking place.  Today, everything I have been watching (Brene Brown/Vulnerability), reading and listening to, have all pointed to the same feelings within me.  Overwhelmed.

I was thinking it was irony.  God's too big for irony, my day was neatly woven by Him.

I keep typing half sentences, then holding down the delete button with vigor.

over. whelmed.

Pray for - the KKK - those that are racists, the men who claim to be superior.  For their darkness is not welcomed. That their hearts will break and love will fill their lost souls.  That truth and love will shine brighter than their torches.

Pray for - the injured and dead - as these marches and riots take place that lives can be spared and that peace will be restored.

Pray for - the families - of the victims and all that are involved.  That generations of hate will not breed anymore hate.  That generations of love can prevail.  That the armed services will find safety and be able to use knowledge over weapons. 

Pray for - the church - that we can come together and pray for these events, people, his kingdom. Be advocates. I pray that the church does not turn a blind eye. That the church will not stand with such atrocities.  But stand against.  When the dust settles, the history is written, that the church will come together picking up pieces. Hold the hands of those who hurt. Hug the ones who have lost. Pray with and for the ones who have hated. Supply the basic needs in replace of destruction. 

Pray for - Trump - he is our President, whether you like it or not.  We are asked to pray for our leaders. That his words will be humble and helpful.

Pray for - war - that is happening, has happened, and will happen.  Christians are currently at war, a peaceful war.  Lives and souls are at stake.  If our country continues to act the way it does, I am afraid we will be like Syria or any other war-torn country.  

Pray for - history - that it not does not repeat in its fullness.  Honestly, hate has never stopped.  From Biblical times, to WWII, to now... the shape of hate is the same and the darkness still exist.

Pray for - USA - that our country will not continue to fall apart in pieces as immaturity and ignorance tears apart the seams of this country.

Pray for - knowledge - that for people, like me, will be called to do what they need to.  Be it prayer, or to be active in Charlottesville, that all people will be armed with truth.

Be bold. Live loved.

I tried - reading 7 women [June's book review]

At the start of June I joined a Bible study over 2nd Timothy.  As we were meeting the women, in those sometimes awkward situations, I had to answer and discuss the question of, "which famous person would you like to spend time with?"

One of the women I was interviewing mentioned that her woman of choice was a result of reading the book "7 Women" - so I made a mental note .....okay, I did write it down too....

A few weeks later at the library with my boys I remembered the book and thought, why not.  I need to start reading something for June!

I strongly urge all people to pick up this book.  It really makes you reflect on the life at which we have been given.   This is not Eric Metaxas first biography.  He has also written over Bonhoeffer and a title called 7 Men.  Given time, I am interested in reading 7 Men as well. 

The seven women that Eric chose to write over and were also the following seven chapters:  Joan of Arc, Susanna Wesley, Hannah More, Saint Maria of Pairs, Corrie ten Boom, Rosa Parks and Mother Theresa.   Of these seven women, I was familiar of 3 of them.

Honestly, of these women (and I'm sure there are so many others..... watch the film "Hidden Figures" please!) but of these women I could not pick a favorite.  

I have always been drawn to the Holocaust and WWII - so the stories of the rebel Saint Maria of Pairs and Corrie ten Boom intrigued me greatly (not your Anne Frank story). Their selflessness.  Their style.  Their fearlessness.

Susanna Wesley and Hannah More had interesting stories relating to church and which movements started to develop - and their desire to educate all people.

I am passionate about justice and human rights, so learning more of Rosa Parks and her life was fascinating.  And honestly, the fact that we aren't so far from her story still breaks my heart.

Mother Theresa was a name I knew, so seeing her heart being poured out on pages was beautiful.  Her hurt for all people was by far inspiring.

Warnings - if you do read this - be ware that the first chapter, Joan of Arc, was difficult for me to get through.  I am not familiar with French (anything) and war words.  But the rest of the book wasn't as 'dry'.    Also, it really.... really.... REALLY bothered me that it was not 100% chronological. Even in his writings he would mention siblings, but write their birthdays out of order, or by significance, I'm not really for sure.  The lack of linear-ness was frustrating at times, but not frequent enough for me to stop reading it.    Main example,  Rosa Parks was born after Mother Theresa, but Rosa came before Mother Theresa in his book - but all the other women where in order of birth.

Please don't let my pickiness stop you from picking up this great book.

{an open letter on current events} I tried - screaming

Dear people,

I want to scream.

I want to scream in sadness, anger, bitterness, confusion, resentment, and passion.

This weekend, as many know, Trump is refusing to let refugees in unless they are Christians (in a very basic concept). Trump also would like to build a wall.  Trump this and trump that.

I am hoping that this letter will address several people groups.  I am not talking about religious groups, sexual orientation groups, pro-life at what level groups.  I am talking about facebook groups.

Here is what my Facebook feed consist of:

***Non-Christians (and most definitely not trump supporters) posting about how stupid Christians are to vote for this man. things like "Hey Christians...You were duped" C.S.

***Trump supporters (who some claim to be Christians) - who voted for Trump and are excited to see things going well and are finding reasons to rationalize what is happening as "okay", for instant the guy, L.S. who said "So I am curious, where were the national protest when Obama banned middle eastern refugees and deported millions of illegals? Why is it wrong that Trump has done it "which IS allowed by law" yet each of the last 6 presidents banned certain groups of people from entering the country? Hypocrisy at this best... if Hillary or Obama would have signed the same executive order there would be no protest at the  airports.  I'd bet  95% of the people who are protesting couldn't even find these countries Trump TEMPORARILY banned people from on a map or have any idea that the president is allowed do this legally."

***People who are overwhelmed and don't want to take a stand and are posting pictures of their cats.

***Advocates - who regardless of their personal religious beliefs are fighting for human rights

***Radical Christians - Jesus followers.  These are the people may or may not have voted for Trump.  But no matter what, are wanting to take a stand with the advocates.

Dear non - Christians, 

I know you don't agree with Christians or believe in Jesus or his death on the cross.  I am not asking your to believe what I believe, I am asking you to stop saying that this is Christians fault.  Yes, Trump might have persuaded or favored the Christian religion to gain votes.  

But I am not one of them.  Giving me an identity that I did not ask for is hypocritical - for it's no different than racists claiming that all Muslims are terrorists.     You can be mad about Trump's choices.  But instead of passing the blame and starting more irrelevant drama, let's rally together and do something about it.  

Dear Trump Supporter,
Really?  Really?  I don't understand why you are trying so hard to defend a person that is causing so much harm.   Chances are, you might be white, a Christian, or have a little bit of ignorance (in the sense of following family habits vs researching and making your own).  I am not stupid, no matter how much you wish we were.  In fact,I graduated college with the person who claims that only Trump supporters know geography.  Trump is president, you don't have to battle for him.  Instead, we need to go to battle together, for the human race. Please don't push us away more 

Also, please stop saying how perfect and well behaved the Republicans were when Obama was elected.  If I recall, he had to deal with several hateful situations. 

PS - to the Christian-Trump Supporters, where?  Where in the Bible does it say it's okay to build a wall and excluded people?  Where in the Bible does it say it's okay to cause harm on someone else - like torture?  Where in the Bible does it say it's okay to judge others based off of their sexual orientation, creed, race, even parenting skill set?    I am so confused by you and your actions - when I read my Bible it's filled of Love, Hope, Peace, War AGAINST the ENEMY.   So, let's stop fighting each other as people, and start fighting the good fight.

Dear people who are overwhelmed,

It's okay.  It really is.  You might be too young to understand what is happening.  I urge you to educate yourself - and that doesn't necessarily mean follow your parents.  Do research, learn about the world around you.  To those who are over whelmed and don't understand why it's a big deal, my heart is sadden for you.  The world is suffering around us, and it might not be in your own home, but if we don't do anything about it, it's going to be knocking on your door here soon. I want to let you know, the battle was already won.  There is peace in greater than all of this. 

By not doing anything is taking side of the enemy; letting them win. 

Dear advocates,

I stand by you.  However, I will only stand if you continue to fight with dignity.  Peace.  I may agree with what you are representing but once it turns violent I will never agree with those methods. Thank you.  Thank you for standing up for those who don't have a voice. I wish I could do more.  For now, my only weapon is words of encouragement and words of love to the oppressed.

Dear radical Christians, 

Brothers and Sisters do not be discouraged for God is with you. You are standing with all races.  You are fighting for all life.  You are loving all people.  Don't be divided in your efforts.  Your identity is in Jesus, let Him shine through all of this.  And when you feel like you are the only one out there, always remember - you are not.    I am with you. 

Dear People. 
Look at that picture above.
My heart aches. I am heavy with grief for this little boy and his family.  The picture is old, but the need to help and love others is still very new.
Tell me great nation, how can we let this happen?
My heart aches as our nation is divided on nearly every issue possible.
My heart aches as people are hurting people - with words.  Words create a wound that is so deep, that no amount of time will ever allow for it to fully heal.  
My heart aches as people believe they can't do anything to help - doing nothing is worse than trying and failing.
My heart aches for police officers and veterans.
My heart aches for those on death row.
My heart aches for the black father who was wrongly accused; continuing the cycle of injustice.
My heart aches for the Muslim woman who is shamed into not leaving her home.
My heart aches for the 16 year old who thought she had no other options but to determinate a human's life.
My heart aches for the Native American who still fights for their land.
My heart aches for the mom who lost another child.
My heart aches for the men and women and those questioning who have never known what safety feels like.
My heart aches for the teacher who spends their own money to feed her students.
My heart aches.

What are you doing to make a difference?  

Let's not make America great again.
No, that's child's play.  

Let's make people great again.