I read a high school buddy's blog the other day and she had written about her one word for 2017- check out the movement here.
I thought about what my word would be. I was learning towards "better" - I want 2017 to be better. What about change, transition, opportunity, intentional, different, excitement, unknowing, overwhelmed?
But all day today, everything that I have been doing, working on, or thinking about - I have been hesitant.
Hesitation.
But all day today, everything that I have been doing, working on, or thinking about - I have been hesitant.
Hesitation.
I am hesitant about this year. Like a pool's water with questionable temperatures. You want to slowly stick your toes in, to only jump back. That's 2017. Two days into a new year. I'm wanting to jump back. I was never a good swimmer any how.
Hesitation.
I am hesitant with my actions, choices, words, relationships, thoughts, to-do list items, every basic task has become over whelming or flat out just takes longer for my mind to process the efficiency at which I want to do things.
Honestly - I just want to sit. Be. Be alone. Be done. Be quiet. Be lazy. Be better.
So, instead of "being" or doing "better" - I am hesitant.
I am hesitant with my actions, choices, words, relationships, thoughts, to-do list items, every basic task has become over whelming or flat out just takes longer for my mind to process the efficiency at which I want to do things.
Honestly - I just want to sit. Be. Be alone. Be done. Be quiet. Be lazy. Be better.
So, instead of "being" or doing "better" - I am hesitant.
Hesitation.
Do I go through the boys closets for the second time this week, looking for things to sell?
Do I call and try to find a realtor to start the processing of selling our house?
Do I box up everything unwanted in hopes to make the process easier down the road?
Do I go to the store to buy my nephew's birthday present?
Do I go for a run, or work out, something I miss but haven't been doing?
Do I do the dishes and clean the house - a deep winter cleaning?
Do I text a friend who I feel as if they are hesitant in maintaining our relationship?
Do I look for my resume and update it?
Do I call this company again to get my courses and videos outlined?
Do I curl up and cry?
Do I pray, read and reflect?
Do I binge watch Girlmore Girls?
Do I take a nap?
Hesitant.
Do I go through the boys closets for the second time this week, looking for things to sell?
Do I call and try to find a realtor to start the processing of selling our house?
Do I box up everything unwanted in hopes to make the process easier down the road?
Do I go to the store to buy my nephew's birthday present?
Do I go for a run, or work out, something I miss but haven't been doing?
Do I do the dishes and clean the house - a deep winter cleaning?
Do I text a friend who I feel as if they are hesitant in maintaining our relationship?
Do I look for my resume and update it?
Do I call this company again to get my courses and videos outlined?
Do I curl up and cry?
Do I pray, read and reflect?
Do I binge watch Girlmore Girls?
Do I take a nap?
Hesitant.
I am hesitant because I don't know where to begin. I want to do better, be better, in all aspects of my life. But I am living in two worlds, and don't belong in either.
World A - it's changing. I am a rock within the rapids. Everything is moving around me. But I wait for a big current to take me with it. It's a world which I don't belong.
World B - it's awaiting. Awaiting with the what ifs. It's the cliff of the river. We can see it approaching, but the question of what is at the bottom - is unknowing. You are hesitant to go over the cliff - what if there are only boulders and sharp rocks? But we are told it should be a pool of refreshing water.
I am hesitant to even post this.
I am not wanting pity feedback. I am not wanting for others to give me a false reality and tell me it's all going to be okay. I am not wanting anyone to do anything, but push.
Can someone teaching me to swim, or better yet, just push me into the pool of 2017.
World A - it's changing. I am a rock within the rapids. Everything is moving around me. But I wait for a big current to take me with it. It's a world which I don't belong.
World B - it's awaiting. Awaiting with the what ifs. It's the cliff of the river. We can see it approaching, but the question of what is at the bottom - is unknowing. You are hesitant to go over the cliff - what if there are only boulders and sharp rocks? But we are told it should be a pool of refreshing water.
I am hesitant to even post this.
I am not wanting pity feedback. I am not wanting for others to give me a false reality and tell me it's all going to be okay. I am not wanting anyone to do anything, but push.
Can someone teaching me to swim, or better yet, just push me into the pool of 2017.
I'm hesitant.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing." 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 17
No comments:
Post a Comment