This blog is all about my struggles and just my thoughts. I have always been a writer (online since I was 12), just not a very good one. Lately, I have come out of my shell and started sharing my posts with other social media places...because I am not alone.
As much as I like being alone, I know it's not healthy or helpful.
I am not alone and need to share my story/ies. Everyone has a story, and it's important. We have to listen to each other's stories in order to grow as individuals and as groups. I started sharing my posts not to see how many readers I could get, but because I realized, that as a person my story was important. I also realize that by sharing my stories I might be able to reach a person who needs to hear that they aren't alone either.
Growing up I liked being alone. But it was a struggle for I also wanted to be like my friends. I remember writing a lot about how I felt like a stranger looking in. I could easily feel alone in a crowded room. I was the president of my high school for several years, always sat at different tables, I knew pretty much everyone in my school. I am not trying to brag, just stating a point. I liked hearing people's stories, and honestly, I didn't really know who or what my identity was and was searching for it via different stereotypes, cliques, or groups. But even at these different social events and levels of popularity I still felt different - like I didn't belong.
I was always at peace by a river or in the woods, alone. It was nice. I could let my thoughts flow away with the water. I could hear God speaking so clearly (even though I am really bad at obeying). I found joy and curiosity in all things growing and still do #favoritenumbernotanumber. Phi! God's number. I liked not having anxiety over what I said, how I dressed, who I was with. Being alone with nature releases a lot of pressure. It was nice!
I am no longer 12, or even 22, to be content with being alone. My identity is no longer founded in what party I was at or which table of people I ate 3rd lunch with or which after school activity I did (all of them). I've learned that my identity is NOT my weight, my looks, my inadequacies, my skills, my humor, my family or friends, my short comings, even my sin (we all have it). I am slowly believing that my identity is found in Jesus. Over a year ago, our retired preacher's wife talked at a women's rally about our identity being found in Jesus. Even though I always claimed to be a Christian, her speech was very impactful and has encouraged me to embrace and grow with the truth that my identity is found in Him. I know that some of my friends who read my article about breastfeeding or Florida trips might stop reading at this point because I keep talking about Jesus. But here's the deal. I have a story, and HE is a HUGE part of it ---> THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF MY STORY <---
I tried being alone, and still need my alone time (with God) so I can reenergize (I love people, but I need to recharge to be better around them). But I now know that I am not alone! I am excited to embrace this more and other transitions.
We are starting a new sermon series at church next Sunday to help with transitions. We are going to follow the sermon studies also with our small group (AKA life group, home group, community group). I am excited for all of this! Our small group is growing, not just with families, but with babies...woot!! Our own personal family is going to be going through a lot of transitions as well.
With all the of the change my husband is encouraging me and challenging me to become a better me. To make my story more about Jesus. Because I like being alone and struggle with trusting or being around people I keep finding excuses to avoid some of the transitions in our lives. I am very thankful to be married to a man who doesn't back down from something that is good.
The biggest transition also starts tomorrow. The reason this topic popped into my head. Going back to school. I was talking to one of my dearest friends about the strange feeling of joy and sadness that I get around August/September. It really is strange. FALL = MY FAV! I love everything about fall, but at the same time I also feel like I am loosing something. So this time of year is always interesting for me.
Here are my transitions that I am going to have to face and continue to work through. If you have any tips to help me make these transitions smoother... please let me know. If anything, just pray that I can make changes as smoothly as possible.
Mentor - I have been, for a couple of years, looking for a mentor. It's a hard transition to meet with someone that you don't really know you and build that relationship. But I know I need this woman in my life, I just need to stop making excuses.... ask Jeremiah, I am really good at finding reasons why it's not the right time. Ever since I was a kid, feeling different in all my sub groups, it is very hard for me to trust people. Usually because of my lack of trust I end up pushing them away and hermitting back into my shell. But I can't do that. It's not healthy being alone.
Community group - I am working at building relationships with these families and not pushing them away to be alone and opening our house to them.... even if it's not clean enough to my standards (why sweep.. hehehe). But we are also transitioning into varies stages of our own lives.
Teaching - the biggest transition that I am looking at right now.... in 8 hours the new year is starting for me. New students to love on (and not be mean, like I was last year.... I have high expectations). the students will also have technology! I will also be teaching one advanced class. There is a lot of new coming quickly and this year I do not feel as prepared as I have been in the past.
Family - not only do we have an almost 7 week old who is transitioning into a good sleeper. Jeremiah is not only going to be taking a full semester but will be interning at our church. I am so excited for this opportunity to grow and learn, but I am embrace the business of it as well. Gideon will also be starting preschool; which will add a new level to our daily schedules as well.
Health - transitioning into making healthy choices. I love Jeremiah, but he is always tempting me with food. Okay, he's not hanging food in front of me. But it's hard to turn down certain restaurants, ice cream, donuts. Even today he took Gideon to get donuts. I am proud to say of that dozen, I have ate.....zero!! But transitioning back into being a runner and being patient with my weight loss journey is going to take a lot of time.
SOOOOO..... here I am, no longer alone. If I start to get crabby (as my sister puts it, it's probably because I am tried and don't take anything I say to heart when I am tired or really ever) allow me some time with nature and we will be good to go. Okay, I should have been in bed 2 hours ago. But who am I kidding, I wouldn't sleep I would stay up thinking about my non-decorated classroom, procedures, and lessons all night.
Transitions or Change... they are good. Hold me accountable.
Good night.
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