I tried - being alone [chapter 4]

When I first saw this title of chapter four, it took me way back.

To high school.

That's over a decade ago! 

It took me back to a class of misfits - gothic people, stoners, class president, parties, sweet girls, and sad boys, wannabies, and kind hearted Jesus lovers.   It was an odd collection of students.  But there we were, a family. 

It was my sophomore year and I took Poetry!  That class, called me Dee Payne.   My class ring even has Dee on it. I signed poetry and art work with it. 

Was I "Dee Payne, or was I Megan In Pain? 

Here is a sample: 

As I sit here in the dark

alone and no one beside me. 

I sit here, the tears roll down

as I cry a river than a sea. 

I wonder and think real hard 

do you ever think about me or us

I realized we never were

That you were fake and I'm making a fuss. 

Loneliness washes over me

taking me for a ride 

I feel the urge to cry and die 

because I know I can't hide 

As I sit here in the dark

alone and no one beside me

I sit here, the tears roll down

as I cry a river than a sea. 

All the scars will never leave

I'll never be the same. 

You hurt me deeply, my heart.  

But I made Me bleed, it's all a game. 

It was you, but next was him

never a place to stop and rest

You were never happy with me

I still got hurt - even at my best. 

As I sit here in the dark 

Alone

No One beside me 

I sit here, the tears roll down

As I drown in my river than my sea. 

Chapter 4 - Alone in a Crowded Room

This chapter title brought everything wrong abut my sophomore year back to my memory.  

If you were wondering - I was the class president who made good friends and loved all those quirky people in our poetry class.   

But I was also the class president who was damaged, rejected, isolated, hurt, broken, and alone, even though I knew everyone.   Another line from a poem I wrote as a 16 year old "people only see me cheery eyed...not sad, they can't tell." 

Reading through my old poetry made me reflect on being alone in a crowded room. Been there, done that. Track was on repeat for several years. 

The difference between me as a 16 year old and me as a 29 year old (other than about 20 pounds) is that I now know how loved I am.   

There was a lot of bad, demons, in my life. Although I went to church, I didn't know Jesus.  

I HAD NO IDEA HE LOVED ME
EVEN THOUGH I WAS
SO BROKEN. 

I had no idea that I could be loved after being used and abused.   {This blog is not a place to share every detail of my life, but i am an open book, please ask if curious. So we can relate. So we can connect. You are invited into my life.}

Page 43 she states "proximity and activity don't always equal connectivity." 

I so wish I knew what I know now.  I dated every type of guy, went to every type of party, had every type of friend - looking, reaching for anyone, a lifeline. I wanted so desperately to be wanted, needed, and loved that I involved myself in so many clubs and groups.  Something to cover up the pain.  Grasping at anything. 

I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts. 

She later talks about an unrealistic need of people and how it is being greedy. If that's true I would probably of been the president of that greedy group. 

But now I know!  It's not about how close you are to a person or sharing hobbies, it's about transparency, sharing stories, loving people but not asking them to love you back. 

This picture is what I envisioned when she stated "deep down inside of me, I want to ask for forgiveness, but my pride is holding all my kind words hostage" 

Lysa, can you get out of my head!  Can you just not right a book about all the wrong I do?! 

"Hi my name is Megan, I am a pride addict" seriously, I am the person who would argue -------> even If I knew I was wrong. I HATED loosing!       

I can't be filled with Gods love, if I am filled with my own pride.   

As I mentioned before I have created a list of major and minor events in my life that I was hurt.   Before reading this book I always had an excuse or reason for what happened to me.  Usually pointing fingers back at them.  

We get the same amount of respect from people as we give ourselves. 

I might have been kind, but I was using people to keep me floating, my head above water.   I was not kind or loving to encourage people, because I had no idea what that was like. 

Until about four or five years ago I would have said I was a Christian.   But I didn't live or love like one.  I knew Jesus, just like I knew Leonardo Davinci (my favorite) - he was a historical man.  

I had no idea that I have been looking at my failed relationships with the wrong lens.  Blaming people was not the solution. 

Being filled up on Gods love was the solution.   I was the common factor on all that was wrong. I was feeling empty because I WAS EMPTY.   Like she says, souls are like stomachs, they need to be fed too!  

I apology it is bury, but this page was too good to pass up.    

We need His love. Without it, we are grasping at everything.  

"The more we fully invite God in, the less we will feel uninvited by others" 

God loves!  That's all we need to remember.  Even when I thought the world was against me, he was for me. 

Today, I had the wonderful opportunity to go on a field trip with some of my students.  At the zip line station there was guy named Blake.   On his right fore arm he had a tattoo of Isaiah 41:10. 

And In case you haven't figured out yet, how loved you, I, we really are.  

Read these lyrics by Hawk Nelson

I want you as you are, not as you ought to be
Won't you lay down your guard and come to me
The shame that grips you now is crippling
It breaks my heart to see you suffering

Cause I am for you
I'm not against you

If you wanna know
How far my love can go
Just how deep, just how wide
If you wanna see
How much you mean to me
Look at my hands, look at my side
If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean

Don't think you need to settle for a substitute
When I'm the only love that changes you

And I am for you
I'm not against you
I am for you
I'm not against you

If you wanna know
How far my love can go
Just how deep, just how wide
If you wanna see
How much you mean to me
Look at my hands, look at my side
If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean

Open your heart
It's time that we start again
Open your heart
It's time that we start again

If you wanna know
How far my love can go
Just how deep, just how wide
If you wanna see
How much you mean to me
Look at my hands, look at my side
If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean
The drops in the ocean

I am for you
I'm not against you
I am for you
I'm not against you

Remember:

LIVE LOVED 

I tried - not jumping to conclusions [Chapter 3]

I tried not jumping to conclusions.   I have lived for 29 years,  1 month, and 9 days.  In that little of time I have realized that there are two sides to every story.  There is always a reason for people's actions (sometimes not logical or correct, but a motive nonetheless).

Chapter 3 - There's a Lady at the Gym Who Hates Me

First off, as a lady at the gym.   That might me one of the most terrifying places to be.  There are mirrors. And not just the nice kind that you only have to see your face, but BIG mirrors.  Walls  and walls of them.   Mirrors don't lie.  Hmm.... and if you can get past the mirrors, let's talk about the intimidating knobs and leavers.  Pull this, twist that.
I'm not just talking about my body, but I am talking about the machines.   I am not a strong reader, and love quick information (infographics!) so the pictures on how to work machines is right up my alley... until you realize that the pictures are not to your body scale.  I'm 5'2, well below average (in height, duh).  So my joints don't meet the spots the machine wants them to, so those pictures can get pretty complicated at times.   I digress.

The gym.  It's pretty scary.  You go there wanting to make yourself better, or maybe look something like you imagine you "should" be.  Maybe you go there to blow off steam.  Whatever your reason,  it's not an easy or comfortable place for most women.

Lysa opens this chapter with an experience at the gym.  In summary, she felt like because she took a call while on the elliptical, she made another lady upset and hate her.   That was it.  In a matter of minutes, she made an enemy without even knowing her name.

Before I continue, I wanted to address something that jumped off the pages at me.  I am not for sure if they jumped, or leaped, at me because I am currently working on my healthy lifestyle, or that I go to the gym and want to loose weight, but when she talked about herself at a marshmallow, I....paused.

You. A. Marshmallow?  for real?  Girl, no you didn't!?

(Totally makes me chuckle some of the images I get to look at)

Here is what goes through my head within her first page of this chapter.  If you, Lysa, a beautiful, gorgeous, sweet heart and great smile lady think you look like a marshmallow.......WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME?    If she "judges" herself so harshly, when I think she's put together, does she see me as a slob in jeans?   I know that she was wanting to be relatable (I too can see myself as white and fluffy) or was her statement more hurtful, another rejection?

But then as I continued to read, I read on page 29 "I hold them accountable for harsh judgements, they never make.  And I own a rejection from them they never gave me."  Oh, you got me.   I just made a judgement about Lysa, through her writing, and gave myself a rejection that she never gave me.   Geez Megan!  Get it together.

We are not just bad at holding lies over our own heads, but for most, we are not good at taking compliments.   When you compliment a person and they respond with thank you, BUT..... it's like they are rejecting your compliment, swatting it away like a pesky fly.   I am notorious at the thank you, but.... conversations.   Thank you, but I can get faster.  Thank you, but I can loose more.  Thank you, but I might get a hair cut.  Thank you, but.......

A dear friend of mine, when she compliments me, as trained (taught) me to just say, "Thank you."    I am not rejecting their compliment.  I am not hurting myself.  I am not trying to brag.  A simple thank you is socially acceptable and more than likely preferred.    I challenge anyone reading this to take the next compliment you get, without a "but" statement.    Let me know how it goes.

Perception is everything.

What about perception?  As I mentioned, I have slowly learned that there are always two sides to a story.  Because of this, I tend to be incredibly direct, seeking answers, wanting to know, have all the pieces.  I want to know both sides of the story so I can help make a clear decision.  I investigate until my lens (perception) is cleaned.   So, if I know there are two sides of the story, how can we let other's fictional judgements of us, hold some much weight and rejection?  Not to mention we are missing the third part of the story.  He created us and wrote our story for us.

"Live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won't find yourself begging others for scraps of love." 

Please, reread that again.   Live, every day of your life, knowing that you are loved.  We are worth more than what we are begging others to give us.  Hawk Nelson has a song titled just that; "Live like you are loved"

If you wallow in mud, you will become dirty, true?
If you wallow in hurt and brokenness, you become hurt and broken, true?
If you wallow in love (that sounds like more fun), you will become love, true?

Don't be a slave to your emotions.  Don't be in debt to others via your emotions.  You have been paid by Grace and Love.  You are free!

Our hearts are like cool shaped buckets.  Our buckets have two materials that they can be made of.  We can have a mesh bucket or a steel bucket.  Which do you choose?

The steel.
Jesus is your steel.
Live loved.

Live loved.
Live loved.
Live loved.
Live loved.
Live loved.
Live loved.
Live loved.
Live loved.

It takes the average learner seven times to learn something.  If you counted, I made you read it eight times, just so you don't forget.  <3

Let God love you.  When you are wallowing in that love is when you become love.

(Incase you don't know this, I really love the book of Romans)

We have been talking about giving love.  Or being full of love.  Or living loved.  

But what happens in the absences of love?

Me.  
Four years ago.
That's what happens.  

Like I mentioned in my chapter 2 blog, I had a lengthy list of times/events that were turn downs, let downs and fall downs.    I became a performer.  I became a manipulator.  I became the keeper of my own emotions, love, and heart.  And in the absent, black, cold spot of a heart I continued to wallow in my self doubt and lies and therefore became those lies and lived those lies and hurt people with lies.

Live loved ladies.  Live. Loved.    You are loved.  You are not alone.  You are loved.

I challenge you this next week to live loved.  Wake up and look at your mirror and just remind yourself "I am loved.  I am chosen.  I am worthy.  I am HIS."

The most difficult part of rejection or betrayal is that it never comes from our enemies.
I'd rather be invited and have to turn down an invitation than face rejection of knowing I wasn't invited (even if it's due to circumstances out of our control).

I have tried not jumping to conclusions.  I have tried to clear my lens and have a fresh perspective.  I have tried to not scrape together scraps of love.  I have tried not assuming the lady at the gym hates me.  But if you want to try anything.

Try, living loved.



How can I pray for you?    Do you have scripture that reminds you that you are loved?

I tried - asking questions [Chapter 2]

I tried asking questions.  Actually, I'm really good at asking questions, being direct, getting to the point, not sugar coating, sometimes it's a fault.  But lately, I have not been asking the right question.

Chapter 2 - Three Questions We Must Consider

I was looking forward to digging more into this book while also picking up my Bible more regularly. The title held my attention as I eagerly awaited what questions that would be asked.  I was thinking that maybe they were questions like "do you think you are right?"  "how can you make this better?" or even "where's the chocolate?"

Page 15 of Uninvited Lysa writes "things of this world all eventually reveal what incapable anchor they really are."  

*Pause for dramatic effect*

We are talking about the world.  Stuff.  Brokenness. Pain. Suffering. Sin. Anger. Betrayal. Bitterness.

The world, well, it's a hot mess right now.

Hebrews 6:19 is my response to this hot mess.   God promises a hope that is sure, HE is our anchor.

Lysa continues to tell a story about remodeling her house and how a board (a beam) had to properly be replaced or her house could fall apart.  That it wasn't a patch job.  Kind of a big deal. 

Throughout this whole story I just kept thinking, and finally wrote down:

TRUTH IS SOLID, UNSHAKABLE.    My God is not broken.  He is ALMIGHTY.  He is my foundation, my rock, my salvation comes from him!

We continue to the story and thought with that we have to rip out the old and place in the new.

So, as we die to ourselves, and we start a new life (reborn), that our old broken beams become replaced by the wooden cross.  Sturdy.  Solid.  Truth.  

I really liked when she brought up circumstances and that if we let our identity be based in circumstances, we will be crushed.  That if accept our brokenness that we are no better than the house that is waiting to collapse on its self. Have a mentioned, we live in a hot mess, the world.    

Have you ever looked in a mirror and instantly started muttering all the flaws that you see..... my eyebrow(s), my acne, my horribly flat (don't own a straighter) hair, my this and my that.   Stop.   Like her negative self talk in chapter 1, this is not good.  We are truly tearing apart God's creation, his love. The closer we look in the mirror and examine ourselves, the closer we should come to seeing Jesus, right?  

Romans 8:5-6 is a my scripture reference to Lysa's quote on page 22, ".... keeping my mind focused on what the Holy Spirit whispers, not what my flesh screams."

*Sigh*

Life is always more peaceful when I listen to that quiet voice.  Stillness by a river.  Peace.  

During this chapter I started writing down a list of rejections.  I haven't decided if I want to share that list or not.   I'm not afraid of hurting people (although a possibility and not a goal) but I also don't want to face some of them again.  Some of these rejections I have kept very neatly tucked away.  Hurts that not everyone will understand.  I don't know if I'm ready for the judgement to follow or questions.  But through this list I was able to apply chapter 2's three questions.

Question 1: Is God good?
Question 2: Is God good to me?
Question 3: Is God good at being God?

I started to realize that by giving these situations, these events, more power than God, was when my core was starting to crack, break, become a worn board.  Not the cross that is set in me.  

Because of my lengthy list of rejections, I have an issues with trust, events would strike my core.  I thought my independence was great, but it comes from pride.  To protect myself and my pride I use to be really crafty with my words.  Laying brick by brick a wall full of false words, worldly ideas, and lies to, what I thought would, protect me.  But now, years later, I am trying to break down those walls and use the same bricks to build a foundation painted over with Christ's blood, with truth and love. With redemption.    Psalms 59:12 is sometimes a go to; praying that I don't use my word to sin.

I no longer have to prove my worth. 

-----> God is good. 

-----> God is good to me (so good).

-----> God is good at being God.

Two songs kept playing on loop in my head during this reading.  Ironically, my husband is the musician.  I can not name song titles or artist, but I can remember (not sing out loud) catch phrases or tunes, and I can also pin point when I first heard a song that had an impact on me.

"God is good all the time, all the time God is good."

Yes, it's an upbeat fun song to jam to.  *google it*  If you are looking for something a bit more mild try:

"Your a good good father.  It's who you are, It's who you are....And I'm loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am...."

I am okay with these songs on loop.   Reminders I need.

I am loved by you.   It's. Who. I. Am.

To come:

Chapter 3 and a list of my personal rejections.   Look forward to hearing from you.   Grab the book, or better yet, the Bible, and let me know your thoughts.  I like thinking with people.

I tried - facing honesty [Chapter 1 of Uninvited]

A week or so ago I posted about a book, "Uninvited" by Lysa TerKeurst, that when it's title appeared in my e-mail, I had to investigate and not quickly hit delete.

I was so excited about this opportunity that I used social media and found other women, (that I knew!), who were also interested in doing a study through this book.

My goal: As a facilitator, of a few lovely women I want to help them, and myself, to dig deep into our cores and find what past rejections have not been resolved and how to help develop mature spirituality when dealing with future situations.

I would like (going to try to keep this up) to blog about every chapter.

So here we are:

Chapter 1 - I'd Rather Ignore Honesty

This was definitely and introduction chapter.   For I wasn't yet drawn into her words.  This could be me, my lack of emotions, or that I am wanting these shocking AHH HAAA moments, but I was a little underwhelmed and excited await the next chapter.     Did anyone else feel this way?

I agree with what she was saying; that there is always work to be done.   Although I believe I am getting better with rejection, or being left out, because I am not as quick to be brought down, or as hard on my self.  But it still hurts.  Even a week ago I was hurt by some things that were done.  Even if they weren't intentional, they brought up some reminders of "why me?"

Does anyone else find honesty refreshing and helpful?

For me - I do!   I tend to be pretty direct and matter of fact; which my honesty, when not used carefully, can actually hurt people.   But I do whole heartedly believe that growth only comes from opportunities of truth.    I am really good at telling people this, but not always following my own words.

Some of my favorite quotes:
"Spiritual maturity doesn't shield me from rejection."  Page 3  This quote brings me comfort that no matter how "famous" a person is globally or even with in your local church, they are still human and need love too.

John 15 kept reappearing to me.    It started out as John 15: 13-15, but as you continue to read, the entire chapter is a great reminder that we are loved.  Someone died for us to know eternal love.  How amazing is that.  You and I are worth his love.  WE ARE WORTH HIS LOVE <-----   John 15:5 is another great reminder.   We are nothing without him.   Try not to hum "what a friend I have in Jesus......."


Ending thoughts and group questions (if not in the facebook group and would like to do this study, please let me know.  Feel free to comment below as well):

**Honesty helps us heal and grow while rejection ties us to lies in the past.  Do you agree?
**When and how were you "rejected" lately - was it related to a past issue?  How far back?
**What habits do you fall into or lies you believe wen you are stressed or feel unwanted?
**In the back, "Things I don't want you to forget," which is your favorite or a focus for this chapter?
**Did God give us broken relationships so we will know what is different about his perfect relationship with us?


How can I pray for you?

I tried - parenting {rules}

Discipline is Latin for 'to teach' or 'pupil.' For us to be semi-successful parents we must discipline.    

Parenting is not easy.  I tried.  I continue to try.  And even yesterday I felt like a huge failure in my efforts to parent.    But with every struggle comes learning opportunity; and my end result is that I want our boys to grow up to love and live like Jesus.  

I know and have seen several parents who refrain from discipline - because they only see it as punishment or "not loving"  - but in honesty, more harm can come from that mindset than setting rules. 

The following post is rooted in our religious beliefs.  I encourage you to continue to read.  You might not agree with my religion, but can find some common ground in  our expectations of our youth.  

We want our family to follow Jesus; that means being disciplined.   Discipline is to teach - and to teach  about Jesus we must also act like him.  We must be loving, for our actions, show our hearts.  An action has a reaction in everything we do.   As a teacher and parent  there are lines that can be crossed.  If it is emotionally, physically, spiritually or sexually abusive - THAT IS NOT DISCIPLINE OR OUT OF LOVE and not okay. 

Rules help provide structure that children crave.   They want stability, to know they are safe and loved. 

OUR FAMILY RULES: 
1)  Listen and obey the first time
2)  Be gentle with our words and actions
3)  Have a good and generous attitude; being okay with being told no.
We give people respect and honor and follow our rules because we LOVE PEOPLE.

1) Listen and Obey ** Titus 3:1, Ephesians 6: 1  [Children, obey your parents in the lord, for this is right]  - This is my favorite rule;  It can cover anything to keep your child safe and your sanity in tact.   Think of all the times that the bible talks about obeying.  God loved us, we should obey.   We love our children and we want them to obey.    I believe that the foundation of obeying is trust.   Asking a child to listen and obey reminds them that we love and care about them and their actions.  One of our son's favorite bible stories is Jonah and the big fish - great example of obedience.  

2) Be Gentle ** James 1:19-20 and Galatians 5:25-26, Titus 3:2 [to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people] - The bible is so full of the word gentle or meek.   For boys, gentle might look differently.   The word gentle, non-violent, or passive does not mean we are defenseless and should be taken advantaged of.  Being gentle is showing others love and compassion, what God calls us to do.  The meek will inherit the earth.   

3) Have a good attitude ** Matthew 6:24, Luke 12:22 - 27, Hebrews 13:5 [Keep your life free from love of money, and to be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."] - we originally started this rule off with "be content".  But to a small child "content" is an abstract idea .  The word "attitude" is something that we can see.    As our oldest has grown and developed a bigger vocabulary we talk about attitude, contentment, and generosity all under the same umbrella. To be followers of Christ, we are asked to die to ourselves.   This rule goes a long way when it comes to birthday parties or simply sharing.  It is also written with rule number one, listen and obey in mind.  To be content means to be okay with being told no.

We have these rules because we love people - John 13:34-35 [A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.] 

***Note, there are lots of scripture to reinforce our beliefs, although not all are listed.   Being content, gentle, having a good attitude while we listen and obey is how we have asked our family to show people love.

So that's great, right?  Some rules, like you haven't read or heard of them before.  Some of you out there might even be thinking - what does she know....  I've seen her kids throw fits.  I've seen her kids.... x, y, z.     I'm not trying to claim our rules are fool proof.  I am not trying to claim perfection.  I tried parenting; and it's hard. Believe me, there are times that I ask our oldest to pray for my attitude because mommy is not having a good one.  

I am just sharing what our family has chosen to do.  We believe in the Bible, and that our rules come from that.  They are FAMILY rules; my husband and I follow them too.   

So what happens when the rule is broken?   

Rules were easy to develop and find in the bible, however the consequences take more time and adjustment.  Our rules have not really changed in four years we have had kids.  But our consequences have.  As we grow as parents and as we learn what effects our little ones.  

When you hear the word consequence do you typically think of punishment?  When you hear the word discipline do you think of the word punishment?   A  consequence can be positive and negative.    Every action has a reaction.  

I truly believe that every parent will have to determine what consequences works best for them and their child. 

My two thoughts when it comes to consequences:
1) was the choice in their control, did they break the rule?     Example: our oldest throwing a fit before bed, well it was our fault as parents for letting him stay up late.  The consequence of OUR choice is his attitude.    He can control it, but we did not help him.
2) can you find something to be positive about?  Make everything a learning opportunity and always try to find positive.  
I had an extensive list of what we have tried with our kiddos.  But it gets to be a long list.  If you have questions on what to do if..... or how to treat......  please leave a comment.  I would love to hear from you.

What are some rules you live by?

I tried parenting - it is hard.  I pray that one day my boys will be able to contribute to society and love people.

I tried - inviting myself {uninvited book study}

This week.  Can I get a sigh.

A sigh, of relief that it's over.
A sigh, that a new one is going to begin.
A sigh, a moment of pause.
A sigh, that we aren't perfect.

It's been an odd week for me.

There are a lot of changes happening in our home, communities, schools, church, globally.   The tension is high.

Or maybe it's just "that season".... you know the season, you just kinda get in a rut.  Or groove.  And maybe you like "that season"... maybe you don't.    Don't get me wrong, I love fall.  I love back to school routines.  But, I also need time of rest... to process.  I want to process the summer.  I want to meditate on what's a head.  I want a break to just sit by the river and be at peace.    My season is one of conflict and contradictions.  And now, without a moment's hesitation, I am staring at the face of "that season."

The season came quickly.  It really did.  It started last Sunday.

Our church started up a huge campion or kick off to get more small groups or home groups up and running.   We have known for the past month or so that our current group would be splitting into some other groups; multiplying, making more disciples for the kingdom.  The change was slow and I was prepared for it.    What I was not prepared was for some heartache to follow.

By inviting new people into my home I had to 1) let go of some people I dearly enjoyed seeing weekly and 2) realize I couldn't have everyone in our group.

See, I have this problem.  It really is a problem, even though others don't see it like that.   It pains me to see people left out.  I guess I have always felt that way, but it wasn't until I was an adult that I could classify it.  In high school, I literally knew everyone - at least their name, I would sit at different lunch tables every day, I hung out with a variety of people, went to every stereotypical party you could think of.  The problem wasn't me being kind to people, the problem was the feeling I would get when I would feel left out.   I never wanted others to feel excluded; but the root of the problem wasn't inviting people, it was the fact that I am not very good at sharing.  Can I not just have a friend in my life, that is all mine?  Does that happen?  Is that even healthy or normal?

I'm like the friendship cupid <-----is that even a thing?  I'm really good at being the third, or fifth, or seventh wheel in friendships.   Getting the right people together is easy for me.
Being pushy + observant = new friends for others
I had a few close friends, but even within those close friendships I was still behind someone else who got the title "best friend"  -  I never had the other half to the BFF broken heart-shaped necklace.  I was the ultimate third wheel.    **side note: Sisseck, I question this statement - you and Crystal were close, but you were my high school best friend, I'd say and I think you might agree... so don't think "what about me!?" for I love you dearly**

I just kind of stumbled through life, doing my own thing, being friends to people and then once they were set up with better friends, moving on.  As I got older it became more obvious.   And sometimes the friendships blossomed because I had to move or leave for outside forces (moving states tends to hinder friendships).  There are times when friendships just don't align because of time - working mom = less time/crazy schedule.  

So....  last week, we have this small group kick off.  There were moments that were really hard for me.  It was like being picked last for dodge ball or something.   People would ask us questions and then would move to the next group and sign up.  Or I would watch as friends and people I knew socialized and grew into groups right in front of my eyes.  This glass wall was all around me.

Seriously, the silence was deafening in my head.

THEN, a few days later I got this e-mail.

Subject:  "Sign up for the "Uninvited" Online Bible Study"

God - you are too good to me.    The tag line was: Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely.

This had to be an e-mail only for me.  No one else feels like this.  Right?  It was a joke?  Facebook is covered in pictures of tight-knit neatly-woven friendships.    I am the only one who feels left out (like pretty regularly), right?

Perfect.  Timing.

As I looked into the book, I realized this was the perfect opportunity for me.   I texted Jeremiah a few questions and quickly signed up online for the bible study and ordered the book.

I am not a reader of books (articles are my go to, infographics are superb).   But it has taken a lot of strength for me to not open this book.   I am waiting for the perfect moment.   I want to soak up every word.  I want to breath out every relief.  I want to pause with every word that reminds me that I am loved.

The study starts September 6th.  If you are interested in joining me; let me know.  Sign up here.  Because of my "problem" - I really do invite all women (and maybe even men, I can't say or judge) to look into this.  My goal is to post thoughts fairly regularly here; so if you are hesitant or want a review, keep checking back.

There's a song by Matt Redman; "Never Once" - it popped into my head as I was writing this.     Give it a listen.  Or read the lyrics and let them resinate deep into your heart.

I am not alone.  You are not alone.

You are invited by Him.

** Also, our small group minister was able to give us names of families and individuals that I look forward to grow with in community.  This post was not about groups or them but about feeling left out.**
**I need to add that I did not right this post to hurt anyone.  If you felt like growing up or even now we were good friends, we probably were or are.   Don't hesitate to shoot me a message. **
**2017 now, looking back, God took us on an entirely different journey!**

I tried - counting calories {weight loss journey update}

It's been a year!
Well, almost.
I "officially" started my healthy lifestyle change August 1st of 2015.   Here is the a piece of my first weight loss journey post from last year:

"My goal - which ever comes first is to lose 60 pounds or be down 4-5 dress sizes by next summer.   I am trying to keep in mind that muscle, scientifically, does weigh more than fat.  I am trying to keep in mind that this is going to be a long journey.   I am trying to keep in mind that no matter what I am loved, I am important, I am valuable.  I am trying to keep in mind that my body is not really mine.  I belong to something bigger and better than all of us. But I need to do this. I want to be healthy for my family. 

Hopefully blogging will be another tool to keep me accountable.  I have a great support system to encourage me and work out with me. I am logging my food, follow me on my fitness pal as mdjones12.  I am eating less sugary foods and limiting breads.  I got a Fitbit to monitor my steps. I have all the tools. Now to put them in place." 

Click me if you really want to read the entire post.

So, how did I do?

Started at 210 ----------> currently at 175 pounds.   I did not loose 60 pounds [YET].  
Started at size 18/20 ----------> currently at size 12. I did not loose 4-5 dress sizes [YET].

Am I healthy for my family?  Absolutely!
Did I log my food?  Every day, for a year!  See below picture.
Did I track my steps?  Every day, getting on average 12,000 steps a day.

Around March, I wanted to quit.    But I decided to keep going and set some other new goals.  Here is what I wrote from that post:

"Train for my 1/2 marathon in May.  [I have a 10k this Saturday and a 10 mile race at the end of April]

Eat better.  I really do need to limit my sugar intake.  **it's just so good**

Incorporate strength training - twice a week."

So how did I do?

I ran a 1/2 marathon *check*
I try to eat better *check*
Incorporate strength training twice a week *half check*



I am making progress.

****

My husband, J, and I got a year long membership to a club back in June.  Recently, we hired a personal trainer.  At first I was a little worried/consumed by the cost of it (although not a lot, I always feel bad for spending money on me/us).
But after a few sessions (that KICKED my booty) I was able to come to terms.  Tatum and Colby are helping us learn.  We are learning form and technique.  We are learning better nutrition.  We are learning what exercises to do for what we need (running faster for me and loosing weight for J).
I was also okay with it once I realized that people use wraps, powders, shakes, surgeries, and pills looking for the same results; while what we are buying is a lifestyle change a learning opportunity.  I don't want to depend on supplements or outside sources for the rest of my life. This change, depends on us.    



I've stopped counting calories.  I am still writing down what I eat so our trainer can see my log.  But I am not counting calories.  I am done with those little numbers on every package, with every bite.  I now think, do I want someone to see this.  Is it worth writing down?   I am, per our trainers advice, eating smaller more frequent meals.  From a handful of almonds to an apple.

Do I still crave ice cream (had it two times last week).
Do I still feel guilty when eating said ice cream?  NO.  Not any more.



THE SCALE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON!

That is my new constant reminder.
It's just a number.
Here are some more important numbers that define me.

* 3 nails that saved my life
* 8 years of marriage
* 2 boys of my own
* 4 years of teaching (about to start my 5th!)
* 516 students served, loved, cared for and challenged
* 752 miles (probably more) ran since 2012
* 546 kilometers ran during 2016, that's roughly 339 miles in 7 months
* 2761 moments captured on my phone.
* numerous women who love and support me
* countless healthy meals I have made for my children
* several hours of playing, dancing, acting silly with my children

I am worth so much more than that simple number of 175 pounds.
That could be 175 coconuts for all we know.

A year ago I decided to start a weight loss journey.  A lifestyle change.  And that's exactly what it has been. A journey.

This next year's journey is going to be a continue of the last year.  {WOW, can I just pause,  it's been a year!!!}

What am I going to continue for this year, this journey:
continue to run
continue to work out regularly
continue to eat smaller portions and health/clean food
continue to play with my kids
continue to laugh at myself
continue to love who I am and who I am becoming
continue to grow healthy friendships
continue to dig deep into my faith

I tried counting calories.  And now I am going to move on.

I will check back in, I am sure, in a few months.  But this picture always resinates with me.  So I am just going to leave it here.