I tried - playing devils advocate {current society issues}

A few days ago, I tried playing devils advocate.   I am not proud of what happened, and I should have known better; but I ended up hurting ones I loved.

I don't like the wording, 'devils' advocate' because it sounds like I am working with the devil.  So, I will call myself for what I am, a teacher.  Now, some of my students would see the parallel between teacher and evil.....  *anyone laughing, anyone?*..... and maybe even some of my friends.

As a teacher my job is to educate.  Yes, I do enjoy teaching math (everyone pause for a moment and remember how much you hate math, but in reality you use it every day).   More importantly than teaching math, I like teaching about life!    I like presenting two sides of a case.   I like bringing in tough issues and challenging deep thought.  I like pushing people, to help them grow. And while doing so, also helping myself mature and grow too.

Social media can be a dangerous place.  It's not even safe to catch pokemon anymore!  I use social media for two things: to annoy people with ridiculously cute pictures of my kids and educate.  I want people {my children, my students, my friends, my family} to be able to think for themselves.

I want them to be able to form an opinion based off of facts while simultaneously sifting through their hearts and emotions.    

So when I started posting about __________________ lives matter.   I ended up hurting ones that needed my support and love more than anything.    My whole goal was to educate.  I have friends who hate muslims.  Who don't value black lives.  Who don't care for the gay community.  I have friends who have the biggest hearts, give when they have nothing themselves, and wear their passionate hearts on their sleeves.   I have stubborn friends who are this wing or that wing.   I have friends who claim a religion and then act worldly.  I have friends who are full of pride and those that are humble.  So, if at any given opportunity, if I can help teach, if I can help educate, if I can help show love, then I am going to.

However, I was everything I was fighting against.   I was fighting for love.  I was fighting for peace.  But I ended up hurting.

To those who I have hurt {be in the past, the present, or even the future}  

I truly am sorry if I had upset you by pushing to hard.  By my lack of support.  By failing communication.  By not giving enough hugs.

So, with deepest sincerity, I am sorry.
I am sorry for posting when I should have been praying and asking for guidance.
I am sorry for pushing when I needed to step back and pause and reflect.
I am sorry for talking when I should have been listening to your heart, to the stillness.
I am sorry for not being who I am wanting to be.

The topic of blue vs black lives has been on my heart and mind constantly.   I am reading articles, watching videos,  praying, searching for answers.  I have posted things on social media trying to get others to help inform me of their thoughts.   I have asked those who work in social justice ministries, cops, friends, teachers.

My mind was swinging as the wind blows.  But then I read Romans 12: 9-21.  And THAT was the reminder that I needed.  That was the moment God gave me clarity.

So here is where I stand.  Some ideas have been poured into concrete years ago.  And some ideas are in sand becoming more solid. But currently this is it:

***  I am non-violent (concrete) - I can not and will not hurt a person.    People always challenge me with "what about self-defense?"   "what about if they are going to rape or shoot your child?"   "what about if......." and on and on.       Violence is not the answer.   Let God revenge what is his.        Here is a rather long list of versus that talk about loving people and living in peace.  But do not repay evil with evil (Romans 12:21).   So, when it comes to black vs blue;   black lives matter but they also should not be violent in their efforts.   Blue lives matter (and thank you for those who serve and put their lives out there every day) but they should not be violent in their efforts.

*** I believe equality is not the same as fairness (concrete) -   I use the below image with my students.  I hear all the time "this isn't fair"  but being fair does not always mean getting the same thing.   My 12/13 year old students can tell me that if a person is hungry that they should get more food than a person who is not.     For the people who challenge me "what about working hard?"  "what about those who use the system?"   "what about......"    I still stand firm in going back to Romans 12: 9-21.   We give to people food and drink.  We take care of people.  We don't judge people and think they need something or not.     Yes, there are people who abuse gracious opportunities.  Yes, there are those who have more than plenty and cling to it while giving nothing.    It is not my place to decide.  God will provide and take care of us.  God watches our actions.

So, if a people group needs  more of something from our government, from our school system, from law enforcement, or even from our churches, than it is our job to help them in a way that meets that need.

I believe that to be equal we have to be different.  

*** I believe that our society needs a return of respect (concrete) - we don't respect each other.   Our own children struggle learning to respect in a society that demands they have what they want when they want it.    We need to respect each other.  Respect authority.  Respect the law. Respect people. Give them honor.

[UPDATE]

It's been a few months since I have last updated on anything.  

Here is a run down:

Soren - is 11 months old.  He has almost 8 teeth!  He loves to eat, avocado to kiwi and everything in between.  He probably eats better than I do.    He crawls, and fast!  He pulls up on anything and everyone. Just lowered his crib for this reason.   Truly is a happy blessing to our lives.

Gideon - turned 4 and is experience his first 'summer break'.... although it is short for mommy (I am teaching summer school) we are making the most of it.   He DID NOT like soccer but enjoys playing tball a lot.    He mastered everything at school and has developed some great drawing skills.

Jeremiah - finished out the semester and his internship!  He earned all A's and one B!  Incredibly proud of him.  This semester was not easy (on anyone).  He also has started teaching music lessons.  He has students learning guitar, vocal, bass, mandolin, piano - like everything.   This summer he will also be working at a variety of conferences running sound.

Megan - for me, my biggest accomplishment in the last several months is that I completed a half-marathon!  That's right, I ran 13.1 miles.   I finished around 2 hours and 40 minutes.  I was pretty okay with this.  I have been playing the role of 'single' mom lately.   We were ready for summer.  I can't believe I've finished my 4th year of teaching!   And then, here soon, I will be starting to teach some summer school.


Celebrations - we celebrated several birthdays, weddings, recitals, and babies in the past months.  But the most difficult celebration was celebrating the life of my grandpa.  He passed away mid-May.  He went quickly from sepsis (his lungs filled up and stopped breathing).  The fact that he is gone still hasn't made it all the way to my heart yet, like it's not deep enough yet.   It's been really strange because this time around (compared to loosing my grandma) our lives were incredibly full.  I didn't have time to process it.  He was a good man, and he will be missed greatly.

It is almost June.   Life keeps a movin'

God Bless,

I tried - quitting {weight loss journey 2016}

I WANT TO QUIT.

There.

I said it.   Well, I stated it.  But once it's on the internet - there is no coming back.

I was raised not a quitter.  So quit quitting?  But seriously, my parents always made sure that I completed any task that I had signed up for, asked to do, or committed to.

By nature I am a person driven by results.  I am driven by improving and helping.  I am driven by productivity.  I am driven by data and facts.

So when I hit 2 months...... TWO MONTHS..... of not losing weight.

I wanted to quit.

I had lost my drive.



My whole "will lose 60" campaign came to a screeching halt.    2/3 done though (that's positive).    My "weigh 150" by the end of the school year has become, by Soren's first birthday, and then might be pushed back to my anniversary of starting this journey.    Setting attainable goals is always important.   But what if you are doing 'everything' and those goals seem to float away?

Every time I come close to quitting, someone would tell me that I am inspiring them.
The people that say I am inspiring - are MY INSPIRATION.

I don't like letting people down.  I want to quit but I also don't want to disappoint.

It's a true inner struggle.

Who struggles with this conflict:


Here's the other reality - God loves me.  My husband loves me.  My children love me.  Friends, family, community, etc.... I am loved.

---> I just don't love myself <---  

Like, that's harsh.  I love myself.  But I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.

So, why are we so hard on ourselves as people (moms specifically).

That number on the scale is just a number.  So why does it impact people more than something REAL.   Freinds and family = REAL.  Serving and loving others = REAL.    A cold metal box that spits a number out at you.....  is that real?  Is that real life?  Is that real living?



I think I have shared the above image before.  

BUT I NEEDED THE REMINDER  {did you?}

STRUGGLE IS REAL:
I like to read other articles, blogs from a variety of people.   I am not a book worm as much as an information ant.   With that I see post about how to lose weight.  I see post about how you should be happy with yourself.  And everything in between.

How do you balance being content and being realistic with being lazy and having excuses?



So, where do I go from here???

Goals:
Train for my 1/2 marathon in May.  [I have a 10k this Saturday and a 10 mile race at the end of April]
Eat better.  I really do need to limit my sugar intake.  **it's just so good**
Incorporate strength training - twice a week.

Stop having excuses, be happy (I always do feel happier after a good run or sweat), stay positive.  




I tried quitting.   It wasn't for me.  This was just a detour in  my journey.  

Romans 5:8 - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Read more at http://www.christianpost.com/buzzvine/7-inspiring-bible-verses-about-gods-love-for-us-125330/#AjuurpdCbiiYQksz.99

I tried - resolutions {welcome 2016}

~ 2016 ~ 

It.
Is.
Here.

A new year.  A new you.  

Why, in the dead of winter, do we start something new?  Why, during the cold, nasty, dark days we think we can wake up earlier, work out more, brush our teeth better - whatever it is, it's hard.
I believe resolutions go against everything my body as ever done.  We are built like bears, right?

You know.  To hibernate.  To Slumber.  To rest.

It.
Is.
Here.
2016.  And there is nothing we can do about it.

You know what's ironic?  This post.  A post on resolutions.  A post on opportunity.  Well, it's late.  =]
We have 366 days of 2016.  (Well now it's like 360 days, because this post is late).

That is 366 different opportunities to conquer, to change, to live, to bring love, peace, joy and hope.



I am not a person who normally makes resolution.  My personality I am a goal driven person.  I like to set goals and get them done. So it doesn't take a new year for me to set a new goal.

Get off my "type A" pedestal.  We are here, making resolutions.  Making goals.    

Goals, as discussed in so many of my teaching PLC or PDP or BIP or IEP....  we make "smart" goals.  A S.M.A.R.T. goal is defined as one that is specific, measurable, achievable, results-focused, and timebound.

Here are my smart goals (not in order for they are woven together effecting each other).

* Pray
* Run
* Gift
* Love
* Be

So, as you can see these do not follow the smart goals criteria at all.   The thing that smart goals do not allow is learning opportunities.  Can 'T' before "Try" - as in every day, for 366 days, we can TRY. We aren't perfect, so if we fail.  Try again.

366 opportunities to pray, run, gift, love, be.



* Pray - I want to pray:   MORE, BOLD, DEEP and WIDE.   At church Dr. Mark Scott quoted another professor "I don't pray more than 5 minutes, but no more than 5 minutes goes by without prayer"    I may or may not have quoted that correct.  =]  Pray without ceasing.

* Run - This is my health goal.  It's not just a physical outward goal.  But it's a health goal effecting my emotional, physical, and mental well being.  I want to crave God more than I crave food.  Not only am I physically running.  But I also want to run AWAY from sugar.  RUN to a watering hole.  RUN from the carb overload.  RUN for fresh air.  RUN for alone time.  RUN to hear my heart in rhythm to a song. RUN to spend time with HIM.   Just.  Simply.  Run.

* Gift - to give a gift, be in time, talent or treasure, one has to have said gift to give.   This is more about monetary gifting.  Although we give to our church, mission efforts, and other organizations that help build a local and global kingdom community; my goal is to be debt free (other than mortgage/school) so we can be MORE GENEROUS.    I don't want to think about money, I want to fully rely on God that he will continue to provide.  David Platt's book "Radical" was a great starting point to change my perspective on what it means to be rich.  Although we don't have a lot of money in the bank, we are beyond RICH.

* Love - just love others better.  I know I can't be perfect.  I know that I am forgiven for my shortcomings. I want to love through my actions, words, prayers, gifting, service, time.  No matter what, when I am with a person, I want them to feel loved.

* Be -  I just want to be.   BE better.   BE someone's why.  BE present.  BE patient. BE humble.  BE positive.  BE in the word.  BE Christ to others.  BE the best that I can BE {yes, I do know I sound THAT cheesy}

If you didn't notice my theme, the woven-ness of my resolutions; I need to be closer to God. He is my focus, my resolution.  He is my ultimate goal.



*****

At church we tend to use alliterations as we discuss the big topic or main idea.   Pray, Practice and  Praise is my own personal resolution alliteration.    Pray = Pray.   Practice = Run, Love and Be.  Praise = Pray, Gift and Love.

I know that this is going to be a good year.  A year of change and growth.  I don't know if it's the extra day in the year that will help me.  But I do know that I have wonderful support.   Without my family, church, small group, mentor, accountability group, friends, co-workers, and even my crafty students I would not be where I am today and where I am headed.   Thank you to all of you who have helped me so long in this journey.

Here's to 2016.

2016 - I am going to Pray, Practice, and Praise

I tried - having emotions

Recently I have been getting together with a wiser lady from our church.  Just someone to help navigate my path; as a wife to a Christian college husband.  As a baby in biblical teachings. 

Recently I told her how I am the emotionless friend. In the previous weeks I had women come to me - admitting that they came to me because I am their "calm me down," "rational" or "emotionless" friend/person.

{can I be transparent} 

My heart is thawing. I WANT TO FEEL.  My heart has been so protected over the last couple of decades.  My heart was hardened and locked away.  My only goal in life was to not let anyone see or be close.  For anyone I let in always failed, hurt or left me.   

For awhile I have been asking God to break my heart for what breaks his.  

As I begin to learn about my emotions and what I feel, I now get teary-eyed at joyful sightings.  I now praise louder not caring about my horrible tune.  I now weep at the brokenness of the world.  I now pray more. I am more intentional with people.  Even my own students' stories lay heavy on my heart. I truly listen to those speaking to me -- with the intent to listen, not to respond.   

I AM STARTING TO FEEL. 

It's probably strange to ask for feelings or emotions.  But I thought I was weird. I was thinking too much about my thinking. 

I asked my mentor if I needed to change? If it's possible to over think, analyze; be too scheduled, routined, organized, practical, rational, ISTJ.  

She agreed that the church/body of Christ needs all people to function. That people need people like me.   That's why people come to me - I bring a sense of stability. 

Hearing that; my heart melted a bit more.  

I genuinely do care about people perception of me. I want them to see Jesus  through me. 

Although I can not change who I am (someone else is in charge) I am learning about perspective, tact and loving like Jesus.  Although I am still honest - I do my best to speak with dignity, grace and love.  I now continue to pray for the correct words to speak to people. I pray for timing. I pray to be more like him.  I am so thankful to have people in my life who are Jesus to me; to be those examples, to give me grace in return as they help me grow.  And I am thankful that God allows me to have opportunities to love people. 

I am sure it's cliche - but seriously. Knowing that my heart is in his hands reminds me that my approach to the world was wrong.  I guarded my heart for people broke it - but God protects my heart for I am his daughter and he is my king.  

There is a peace that overwhelms me.  I FEEL HIS PRESENCE.   I am thankful for having that peace. That feeling. That emotion. 

I tried having emotions. And they are there.  But most importantly I am no longer locking my self up and defending my heart with sharp word-like arrows. 

God is good.  He brings us peace.  He has brought me peace.   I am learning to feel have healthy emotions.  But most importantly he has brought me peace knowing that I am an important part of the body of Christ. 

I challenge you this week to ask for peace into your life. To be the peace others are so desperately looking for. I challenge you to find peace even in times when you are overwhelmed and lost.  

I tried - having emotions.  I found them. How about you? Are you on the emotional frontier or more reserved with letting others in? How do you handle the rough times? How do your praise the good?   

I tried - not loosing it {a relatable mommy moment}

Today. 

Today. 

Today has been one of those days. You know what I am talking about. You wake up and instantly regret that choice (or request or obligation).  

Here's the picture:

Soren - the baby - wakes up at 6; he is poopy!!!  I change him and know I only have moments before big brother stirs; so I decided to lay down Soren with me in bed. (Don't tell. We weren't really cosleeping; because sleep was not involved). 

Sure enough 6:15 I hear the stirring of Gideon.  I hope if I hide under the covers he will go back to bed and think I have disappeared.  He's too smart for my childish ideas.  So he is in bed, at my feet; kicking me as I am protecting Soren (who went back to sleep).   Gideon gets my phone around 6:45 ----> can I refuse to wake up? ←--  and plays games (only educational of course ...and selfies).  

7:20 rolls around, even though I thought no time has passed and my sweet husband hops out of bed (yeah my hero) and makes a bottle.   Unfortunately he didn't have time to feed booger; he was to be at the church by 8:00.  

I barely had one foot on the floor when Gideon is asking for food, Soren starts crying for his bottle, and I Just want to go the bathroom … Alone…. What's that? 

IT STARTED OUT A BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY MORNING. 

Naturally, like all wonderful parents, cartoons were put on... by Gideon (seriously, he knows how to work the remote...train them right).  I feed Soren and start on our breakfast.  

I was excited - breakfast was pleasant, as was the cooking. I had day old coffee, zucchini veggies and eggs and Gideon had oatmeal with blueberries and hot chocolate. 

So…

That peace didn't last long.  

Went to lay booger down for his nap so I could get ready for church and Gideon was playing in his room.  A typical Sunday. 

THEN IT STARTED - the mommy moments, one after another. 

I come out of our room and see Gideon barely sneak into his room.  Soren is crying and I can tell Gideon was in there (toys making music, fan on). So I got onto Gideon (mommy fail moment - he was trying to help).   

Fast forward through the replaced pacifiers, reswaddle screams, pick up and sway back to sleep to only start the crying once their head briefly touched the mattress, all while constant praying. 

Just holding him in the rocking chair I simply start crying. 

I am so frustrated. I have these feelers and don't know what to do with them or where they even came from. As an ISTJ - I like logic - and logically Soren should be asleep, I should be dressed reading enjoying coffee, and Gideon reading/playing too.  

I FELT OUT OF CONTROL.  

Gideon came and rocked with us. Booger back to sleep, and my tears wiped away. Then the very next moment - screams come from Soren's room. 

GIVING UP…

I DON'T WANT TO ADULT TODAY. 

Still trying to get ready (a 20 minute process that took 2 hours today!) I get the screaming baby and try him in our bed, in his bouncer, on the floor with toys, on the floor on his tummy, holding him, rocking him, I holler at backup (Gideon is the best big brother) though Mr Comedy earned No smiles. 

I walk into the living room. Stand. And. 

I SCREAM   *instantly felt like the worst mommy*

I said no words. Just had to release the tension. 

HE IS JUST A BABY. 

HE IS JUST COMMUNICATING. 

HE IS JUST TIRED/HUNGRY/MAD. 

I was then scolded by Gideon for making his brother cry (even though he never stopped).  He told me I made a bad choice. I tried explaining to him my mommy frustrations. I tried explaining to him that mommys make mistakes. I tried making this a learning opportunity that we could pray together and all would be right in our home.  But that was all interrupted with more 4 month old cries. 

I threw on some different clothes and quickly “beautified” my tear stained cheeks and red weepy eyes[my husband said I looked nice when he saw me at church].   

By this time it was time for Soren to eat.  Gideon helped by dressing himself and we left.  

I was still strung tight after the events of the morning - but knew I would enjoy church, so we went.  

After dropping the boys off to their classes I ran into a mommy friend. Although she doesn't know it, her hug and words were so comforting. I am not alone. 

I AM NOT ALONE. 

I AM NOT THE WORST MOMMY. 

I AM NOT THE ONLY PARENT WHO HAS A SLEEPLESS CHILD.  

The sermon moved my heart; parenting never ends {I have another chance} 

Okay the sermon was really called “rebuilding never ends” and that we are loved and have multiple chances.  

Right after church, and a few more tears during songs, I knew I had to change my attitude, change my heart. I am a good mommy. I love my children as God loves me; so I quickly went to pick up the boys to give them hugs and kisses and tell them I am sorry and that they are loved. 

I was affirmed more about these mommy moments as I was talking to another mom at small group - that she too has moments where she is done and needs help (like someone taking baby for a drive).  

The day turned out really well.  Soren took a 3 hour nap after church. I was able to get a nap and run in before dishes and small group. 

{God is Good} 

Mommys/daddys/grandparents: 

You are loved 

You are not alone 

You are redeemed 

You are given another chance 

You can do this. 

[UPDATE]

Looking at my last post from 10/9 - it's been almost a month!


It has been a full fall season with lots of friends, family, and fun! 

I am not even for sure where to begin.

The boys had a great Halloween, we took family pictures a while ago, I am still running/on a weight loss journey/lifestyle change. 

Jeremiah only has about a month left of school.  Another semester under his belt.   I am just truly blessed to call him my husband.

I have started meeting with a mentor friend. Julie is great and I always look forward to meeting with her about life, ministries, marriage, families, life, JESUS.  On our first meeting she gave me a journal.  The journal is probably one of the reasons (of several) that I have not written in a while.  But through this journal I have been able to write more about how I see God moving in our lives.  It is a nice way to start, be during, and end the day.  God is Good.

Being as November is the 'thankful' month on social media.  I have not been participating in the sense of writing a post of what I am thankful for every day.   1) I do believe that we should be thankful every day regardless of the month/holiday.   2) repeat number 1. 


Writing in my journal I have seen God answer prayers, work through my personal negativity and lack of value.  I have been able to write about my life style change, take better sermon notes, put ink to paper my life goals. 


The boys are both doing really well.  Soren is 4.5 months old already - seriously, where is the time going!?!?  Gideon is by far the BEST big brother possible.  He aims to see his brother smile and doesn't like to hear him cry (and sometimes only Gideon can get Soren to laugh when no one else can).   Gideon is doing really well in pre-school as is his daddy.    

I have a few students who are rough; but I think they are coming around.  As I was talking to Julie this week I had a couple of questions for her 1) how do you be intentional when so many are broken or need that constant love 2) relationships are more important than math (sometimes hard for me to admit).  

This year I am writing all of my students a Christmas card.  I am constantly reminded them that their self value is not in the grade they get in math - it is a number - it is ambiguous. I truly do care for all of these kiddos.

Lately I have been thinking about my future.  I went to school to teach, and thought that is that.  I didn't think about what God has in store for me.  I still have 3 years of teaching while Jeremiah finishes his bachelors and then will be completing his masters.  I think after he is done with his education I am going to go back for counseling.  Jeremiah thinks I should get the pastoral counseling degree.  I just want to work with those that need it most.    But we will see - God always has a better plan  =]