It is that time. My post slow down as life rushes around. My plans focus on educating 126 young minds all while having a functional hospitable home, doing both with love.
Y'all, it's exhausting.
For the past six weeks I lead a Facebook group, reading through Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" - and although at first her over poetic flowery word choice was a bit much for my dry soul, I learned to love her words - they, her words, could take scripture and etch it deeper within my heart. I think at the start I was just jealous that I couldn't write as eloquently as her.
When I started reading this book in September, I also starting writing down 3 joys, gifts, happy moments on a piece of paper. Listing out on the times that brought cheer. Some of my favorites include:
undisturbed water droplets on a yellow leaf spotted when running in the rain
squeals of laughter as the youngest plays snake and squirms down the hall after older brother
reading books to a babe with lavender smelling hair
raining Saturdays with slow non-rushed starts
parking lot conversations with new friends
chick-fil-a (gotta keep it real)
coffee
someone asking if I am okay and wanting to listen
I have now been listing for 41 days.
It's changing me. Just as Ann experienced in her highly recommended book.
Today's list:
asked to cuddle with oldest
moments to read another book
run in a long sleeve shirt clearing my head
This time of year is my favorite, but I also tend to drown in facts of my reality and loneliness. My phone lies idle, my e-mail box empty, mail box vacant, truly just alone. As an introvert, I often prefer to gain energy being alone or in small intimate groups. But this is the dark alone, not one of energy. And as every year past, as long as I can remember, time will move on and self pity will weaken transitioning into go-mode again.
So I list, and once I find my joy, I cling to it.
On occasion my oldest, who's 5, has been asking me to cuddle with him, he use to want to sleep in our bed at the start of every school year. Unknowingly I thought that it was because he missed me going back to work, he too could feel the crispness, the turning, the sense of "sighs."
Now, I realize my little-man didn't need me, God designed him because I needed to find joy. God gave me the biggest gift I could have asked for (next to transforming me and my husband into Christians). He gave me a son, who at a very young age, knows how to care.
Tonight when he asked me to cuddle him, minutes after prayers (naturally I am already tucked in my blanket with a book) I tell him I will be in in one minute, never have regretted spending time with him/
I climb the ladder to his creaky loft bed. Oh, why did we buy a loft bed? As I am climbing I tell him I am getting to big for his bed and don't want to break it. He responds with "would you like an animal, here's a blanket, you aren't too big, you are perfect."
I take the big monkey (technically it was mine from years, decades, ago) and pull the blanket up around my shoulders. We are finding peace in the midst of our chaos. I can feel his breaths slow as I know it won't take long for him to be asleep. I smell the children's toothpaste, thankful that he brushed. I kiss his sweet forehead. The same head that use to carry a huge red angel kiss birth mark. The same forehead that holds incredible thoughts and dreams.
A sweet little voice simply says "Thank you."
"Thank you for what?" I ask.
"For kissing me."
"I will always kiss you."
"Even when I am older?"
"Yes, you won't be able to stop me."
"I can't wait for you to visit me in my house when I am older."
"Yes, our visits will be grand. I love that you dream and think about your future, but don't grow up too fast."
"Why not?"
"I like you just as you are, my son, my five year old."
"Mommy, I will always be your son."
"I will always be your mommy."
With that he takes his perpetually sticky hands and holds my face. "Thank for cuddling with me." Then kisses my forehead.
No my dearest child, THANK YOU. Thank you for asking me to cuddle. Thank you for reminding me that I am needed and loved. Thank you for being joy.
PS - totally read her book. It's good. =]
Special memories of love.
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