I have a lot of words

I have a lot of words;

        swirling

around

                my

    head

just dancing

                and

    spinning

stopping for

    no

    one. 

  I have         a lot of 

 words; deep in my

    heart     woven 

       tight   with 

            every

             beat

I have a lot of words.

For this world.

About this world.

Not of this world.

Thoughts

and 

Feelings.

Shame, guilt,

pride, joy. 

But even though I have these words, does it matter?

No one to hear them.

Not the whisper

Nor the SHOUTS. 

The words can fall empty, 

into empty hands.

empty souls. 

emptiness. 

I want to share....

        I think....

                    I do? 

But I will hold onto these words.

Keep them safe.

From the corruption of the world.

From the death grips of culture.

From those who don't understand (care to understand). 

I will hold these words.

Keep them close to my heart.

Keep them dancing in my head. 

I have a lot of words. 

I tried... making a book ornament

 Hey! I am going to try to do better for 2024 with writing and do less thinking.  Just write... to write. 

My 2023 Book Ornament (48 Titles)

First, a little "tutorial" for my book ornament.  Honestly, I am doing this to have a recipe for next year's success.  

This is the second ornament I have made.  2022's book ornament was created with the help of my book club.  This year, I had a jump started and just made it on my own. 

Here's what you need:
*book list (instructions found here)
*clear ornament with a detachable top (or one that opens through the circumference)
*foam poster board
*access to a color printer
*rubber cement glue (2022 we used mod podge... we will see next year which one is better)
*exact-o knife
*cutting board
*patients
*time

Using the instruction link mentioned above, follow them... take your time... have fun! Enjoy looking back at all of your wonderful reads. 

Dollar tree also has these which would be way easier to use! 

I am still here

 Just wanted to send a short note.. that I am.. in fact.. still here! 

The more I fought justice and internet trolls... 

the more I lost people in my life. 

The more people I lost in my life...

the more me I became. 

The more I became me... 

the more I lost people. 

The more I lost people.... 

the more at peace I am. 

The more at peace I am...

The more I fought justice. 

I am still here. I am still me. I am still passionate, loud, fighting for what I love (my people). 

I am still here. I am still me.  

I am at peace.

I don't need to be loud on the internet to be at peace or feel heard.  The few people in my circle hear me; even at a whisper. 

I am me. I am at peace. 

I am....

 I am... well... I am an 8 and I am angry.  

Current tunes, believe it or not, "Bella's Lullaby" 

This weekend I attended a Christian Women's Retreat/Event. And here's what pisses me off (and if that word offends you, might as well stop reading and saddle on up to ride on out). 

1) Not a single person, other than myself, that I am aware of prayed for Ukraine. My mind was just shocked. I kept waiting for someone to bring it up. Maybe it was spoken in small groups. Maybe I nodded off or slipped out to that bathroom at those moments. But seriously. Totally in shock. 

2) A "leader" stated (for the second time) how BUSY I am and how difficult it is to have community and that we hope to have community when we return. Here's why I am not okay with that... that person had no right to speak about my life when they are not currently speaking life into me. Twice they used that word "busy" as if they know me... in reality they don't have the slightest idea. 

In fact. I am not too busy for people. I make time, or attempt to make time, for the people who want to make OUR relationship a priority. 

So, if you are reading this, I am not too busy for you.  We have a saying in our home: 
"not late, not early, just welcome" and I stay true to those words. Whether it's taking a phone call during my boy's judo practice, or going to waffle house across town at midnight, even the dreaded waking up early to go shopping. =] I am there. 

As an 8 we don't carry much emotion. We are passionate, loyal and angry. I am tough on the inside, but totally a softy for my people.

I am angry. I am me. 

Before I leave, just wanted to pray for Ukraine: 
God, you know the outcome of this war, and the bigger war that we are facing. A broken world, filled with more heart ache than I can handle. God, I ask you to protect the moms giving life in bomb shelters. I pray for teenagers that are becoming adults as they pick up a weapon. I pray for children, that you might be able to bring peace, just for a moment. God, they are in good hands. Thank you for creating us just the way we are meant to be. 

God, thanks for creating me to be angry and passionate. Although my heart breaks, I am thankful for the few who can see the cracks and have stuck by to mend me together. 

PS - I wish I was normal sometimes. 

Credit: Suko Family, Ukraine

I am tired of going back in time....(verse)

 Anyone else bothered by the news? 
Just me and a few others. 

Yo, that's the problem. 

Handmaid's tale, here we come. 
This is not the journey I want to be on. 
The path needs to make a turn.

For the better. 

This is worse. 
We, the country........ 

         sdrawkcab gniog era

Nobody knows. 

OH - you all know. 
you avoid. You hide. You pretend...

not with a good imagination. 

You pretend like things are fine. 
It is fine
       if you are white,
                        male,
          heterosexuals.

I am disappointed. 
I feel, again powerless. 

I am enough

There is currently no trying in my title of this post.
I am not trying to be overwhelmed.
I simply am.

I am overwhelmed with bitterness, sadness, loss, compassion, confusion, certainty and love.

Today I told myself I was going to write a blog about how this summer went, an apology to my kiddos for not having enough play dates, and how I don't have a tribe (group of friends, community, solid, depth, somewhere to belong).  A mixture of things really.

A combination of events happened last night and today have let me to write differently.  But while doing my Hebrews study I wrote a prayer to God that contained: To be vulnerable we remember we are enough and belong.  I don't feel like I belong with a group, or even with most people.

Later I wrote:

Every time I stop and think that I am
Not enough. I will
Out loud speak truth; that I
Understand that I am loved.
God gave me an identity; in
Him I realize I am worthy.  I belong.      

So as today continues to unfolded I realized that my own selfish needs to be heard are all for my own outcry.

Right now, I need a war cry.

Romans 8:26
Isaiah 4:23

I wrote the above almost 4 years ago, but never published it. It still, sadly, seems fitting. 

Some of my past blogs remind me, in my own words, how far I have come. And how lonely the journey has been. 

* Uninvited Book Study circa 2016

* Mentor {Open Letter}

Image Credit

{MOMent} hello to 2021

Currently listening to: "Super Smash Bros; Minecraft version" 

Here I sit at the computer. Coffee to my right. Snow just fell in my view. Boys playing a few minutes of games after helping me make breakfast. 

It's. Nice. 

OH, wait, the youngest is arguing now. Cool. 

I haven't written in several months for several reasons. I would read articles over a "hot topic" or issue that our country is facing. I would sit for a few days reflecting on my thoughts and by the time I had them organized and ready to type up a blog, the issue at hand would change. 

Now, I don't write for my readers. I write for myself. But what's the point of writing my opinion when I already sorted it out. I mean, yes it's good to have my thoughts out there to later have (a history)..... but time was also an issue.  

I don't feel like I have a lot of time. But that's an excuse.

So here's a cliff notes version of my thoughts for the last quarter of 2020:
Love people. 

This last year I had people declare that they no longer wanted a friendship with me. Love people. 
This year we have met new neighbors. Love people. 
This last year I started teaching after a pandemic. Love people. 
This year my children tested me daily. Love people. 
This last year we had an election. Love people. 
This year we had to deal as a country with a rapid virus. Love people. 
This last year we had to keep digging through racial tension and murder. Love people. 
This year my husband "lost" a job and started a new job. Love people. 
This last year I started my graduate program. Love people. 

The past 5 years I have come up with a word to reflect on for the year. Like a resolution. Some years I had monthly goals or others would be more over arching ideas.  2020's word was BLOOM.   I went back and read my entry to why the word, bloom.  Little did I know when writing it what the year would hold. 

I do feel like I bloomed. I grew. I created roots in areas of desire. I was watered and pour into by some very lovely....needed people.  I also discovered that I am an "8" on the enneagram.  (So, disregard my previous post a while back about me being a one.... not true!!)  With this discovery, I feel like I really flourished into who I am and why I do the things I do. It all just came together like a beautiful puzzle for the year of 2020. 

Here we are. 
Hello 2021. You are approaching quickly. 
I don't feel ready (do I ever).  

I honestly don't know what word to use this year.  I have toyed with the idea of: strength, rooted, gentle, endurance, deep.  

But what I think I landed on is.... MOMents. That's not a typo. As a mom, we take moments very seriously. Our time is more valuable than gold. I often criticize myself for wasting moments with my children, or not taking time to cool my jets and be more gentle with my words (I have to volumes.... normal and mom).  

I not only want this year to be about me, mom, and my transformation to continue to challenge myself and be better. But I want 2021 to be how I handle the day to day. Minute to minute. Moment to MOMent.  

~ 2021 ~
* use the planner Jeremiah bought me for Christmas
* write down daily moments of joy (in said planner)
* have more devoted moments with my creator
* take more healthy moments (drink more water, watch macros, move more)

* graduate with my masters in library science (will be accomplished moment by moment) 
* take a moment when needed (without feeling guilty)

* be in the moment when around other people (teaching, friends, children, spouse, etc...)