I tried - being alone [chapter 4]

When I first saw this title of chapter four, it took me way back.

To high school.

That's over a decade ago! 

It took me back to a class of misfits - gothic people, stoners, class president, parties, sweet girls, and sad boys, wannabies, and kind hearted Jesus lovers.   It was an odd collection of students.  But there we were, a family. 

It was my sophomore year and I took Poetry!  That class, called me Dee Payne.   My class ring even has Dee on it. I signed poetry and art work with it. 

Was I "Dee Payne, or was I Megan In Pain? 

Here is a sample: 

As I sit here in the dark

alone and no one beside me. 

I sit here, the tears roll down

as I cry a river than a sea. 

I wonder and think real hard 

do you ever think about me or us

I realized we never were

That you were fake and I'm making a fuss. 

Loneliness washes over me

taking me for a ride 

I feel the urge to cry and die 

because I know I can't hide 

As I sit here in the dark

alone and no one beside me

I sit here, the tears roll down

as I cry a river than a sea. 

All the scars will never leave

I'll never be the same. 

You hurt me deeply, my heart.  

But I made Me bleed, it's all a game. 

It was you, but next was him

never a place to stop and rest

You were never happy with me

I still got hurt - even at my best. 

As I sit here in the dark 

Alone

No One beside me 

I sit here, the tears roll down

As I drown in my river than my sea. 

Chapter 4 - Alone in a Crowded Room

This chapter title brought everything wrong abut my sophomore year back to my memory.  

If you were wondering - I was the class president who made good friends and loved all those quirky people in our poetry class.   

But I was also the class president who was damaged, rejected, isolated, hurt, broken, and alone, even though I knew everyone.   Another line from a poem I wrote as a 16 year old "people only see me cheery eyed...not sad, they can't tell." 

Reading through my old poetry made me reflect on being alone in a crowded room. Been there, done that. Track was on repeat for several years. 

The difference between me as a 16 year old and me as a 29 year old (other than about 20 pounds) is that I now know how loved I am.   

There was a lot of bad, demons, in my life. Although I went to church, I didn't know Jesus.  

I HAD NO IDEA HE LOVED ME
EVEN THOUGH I WAS
SO BROKEN. 

I had no idea that I could be loved after being used and abused.   {This blog is not a place to share every detail of my life, but i am an open book, please ask if curious. So we can relate. So we can connect. You are invited into my life.}

Page 43 she states "proximity and activity don't always equal connectivity." 

I so wish I knew what I know now.  I dated every type of guy, went to every type of party, had every type of friend - looking, reaching for anyone, a lifeline. I wanted so desperately to be wanted, needed, and loved that I involved myself in so many clubs and groups.  Something to cover up the pain.  Grasping at anything. 

I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts. 

She later talks about an unrealistic need of people and how it is being greedy. If that's true I would probably of been the president of that greedy group. 

But now I know!  It's not about how close you are to a person or sharing hobbies, it's about transparency, sharing stories, loving people but not asking them to love you back. 

This picture is what I envisioned when she stated "deep down inside of me, I want to ask for forgiveness, but my pride is holding all my kind words hostage" 

Lysa, can you get out of my head!  Can you just not right a book about all the wrong I do?! 

"Hi my name is Megan, I am a pride addict" seriously, I am the person who would argue -------> even If I knew I was wrong. I HATED loosing!       

I can't be filled with Gods love, if I am filled with my own pride.   

As I mentioned before I have created a list of major and minor events in my life that I was hurt.   Before reading this book I always had an excuse or reason for what happened to me.  Usually pointing fingers back at them.  

We get the same amount of respect from people as we give ourselves. 

I might have been kind, but I was using people to keep me floating, my head above water.   I was not kind or loving to encourage people, because I had no idea what that was like. 

Until about four or five years ago I would have said I was a Christian.   But I didn't live or love like one.  I knew Jesus, just like I knew Leonardo Davinci (my favorite) - he was a historical man.  

I had no idea that I have been looking at my failed relationships with the wrong lens.  Blaming people was not the solution. 

Being filled up on Gods love was the solution.   I was the common factor on all that was wrong. I was feeling empty because I WAS EMPTY.   Like she says, souls are like stomachs, they need to be fed too!  

I apology it is bury, but this page was too good to pass up.    

We need His love. Without it, we are grasping at everything.  

"The more we fully invite God in, the less we will feel uninvited by others" 

God loves!  That's all we need to remember.  Even when I thought the world was against me, he was for me. 

Today, I had the wonderful opportunity to go on a field trip with some of my students.  At the zip line station there was guy named Blake.   On his right fore arm he had a tattoo of Isaiah 41:10. 

And In case you haven't figured out yet, how loved you, I, we really are.  

Read these lyrics by Hawk Nelson

I want you as you are, not as you ought to be
Won't you lay down your guard and come to me
The shame that grips you now is crippling
It breaks my heart to see you suffering

Cause I am for you
I'm not against you

If you wanna know
How far my love can go
Just how deep, just how wide
If you wanna see
How much you mean to me
Look at my hands, look at my side
If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean

Don't think you need to settle for a substitute
When I'm the only love that changes you

And I am for you
I'm not against you
I am for you
I'm not against you

If you wanna know
How far my love can go
Just how deep, just how wide
If you wanna see
How much you mean to me
Look at my hands, look at my side
If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean

Open your heart
It's time that we start again
Open your heart
It's time that we start again

If you wanna know
How far my love can go
Just how deep, just how wide
If you wanna see
How much you mean to me
Look at my hands, look at my side
If you could count the times I'd say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean
The drops in the ocean

I am for you
I'm not against you
I am for you
I'm not against you

Remember:

LIVE LOVED