I tried to hide from the brokeness

Y'all. I am so tired. You know that feeling, where you look back at your day and see very little fruit but yet feel like you have gone non stop. That feeling, well, I am over it.

The other day I had the rare moment where the house was empty. My husband and brother-in-law were at work. My mom took the boys for and adventure. Alone. I honestly don't know the last time I have been truly alone. I had big plans to read (you are jealous of this life, I know).

But I couldn't focus on the pages of my book.

I wept. Just cried. I didn't even try to journal or anything. I texted a couple of friends asking for prayer (thank you). But I was just E.M.P.T.Y

Here's the deal - I don't feel like I have a voice.
Or the voice I have, isn't being heard.
Jealous of those who say the same thing, but have a name that travels.
A voice that isn't heard thanks to Facebook algorithms manipulating my voice to be apart of some formula for their own pleasure.
My voice, being muffled by squeaker wheels.

But who's listening? Does it matter?

I am motivated by truth and knowledge.
     Loyalty and love (favoring the underdog).
If you wish to push my buttons,
      simply land on hypocrisy and injustice.

Injustice, racism, cults, porn, sex-trafficking,
     all our words spoken this week.
Words from stories from my family, friends,
     and former students.

George Floyd
Ward Family
"R" - baby girl
Gideon

The names of those hurting.
     Broken by society, curiosity, and the world
Families that are grieving, weeping
     and asking to be heard.

I am asking for you all to listen
     to each other. Talk less.
I am asking we open homes, hearts, and minds
     sharing stories and listen.

People want to be heard.
     Wait. 

They will speak. Or listen differently to hear.
      I'm okay even though I am broken.

I tried - Breastfeeding

So, the title of my blog is... a mom who tries.

There are thousands of books out there to tell you how to parent.  But there are very few books to help you go through the emotions of parenting.  

I tried breastfeeding.... twice actually.  And I destroyed God's greatest design ---> the bond - mothers and babes.

First time I tried was with Gideon.  He was our first sweet little itty bitty baby.  He came with the whole deal - good smells, little diapers, cute outfits, and lots of cries for food.   Even though it was challenging --> INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING <-- I was able to breastfeed him for three weeks.

I tried, I really did.   However, at 3 weeks he contracted RSV.  It was one of my many mommy fails.  I know exactly where the virus came from.  It was 100% my fault - and I made my baby sick.  

The last time I nursed Gideon he stopped breathing.   In tears I woke my husband up and told him what happened.   Prior to this we knew G wasn't feeling well... he just looked..... sick.   We went to the ER early that morning.   G vomited all over the bed we were on as we waited.  They almost sent us home, but a nurse then came and told us he had RSV and needed to be admitted.    That same day when doctors were making their rounds Dr. Dickerson made the suggestion to move us to another bigger hospital so he could be monitored.  So away we went in ambulance.   At this other hospital, an hour away,  G was not allowed to eat for 12 hours....

I TRIED PUMPING.    you know how difficult it is to nurse.  you know how difficult it is to pump.  you know how difficult it is to produce milk when you are more worried about your baby.   I tried.  But without fail I dried up faster than you could buy the formula.  The hospital was nice enough and were able to supplement with formula.

The first time I tried breastfeeding I wasn't as upset about having to use formula.  At the time it wasn't this big "mommy war" going on.  At the time I really only new people who were all using formula, except for two dear friends who were nursing rock-stars.  I thought it was the norm.   I remember thinking while all these friends used formula that I WAS THE STRANGE ONE for breastfeeding.

I felt alone.    I breastfeed in secret and modesty.  I didn't know or stand up for my rights.  People would come over to see G, and instead of seeing them I would take him to his room and close the door so he could eat.  I cried tears for being in pain (we talked to people).  I cried because I just had a baby.  I cried because I felt alone.  incredibly alone. I felt like a milking cow.    So when we went to formula, it was the norm.  I wasn't alone any more.  I was okay with it.

Fast forward 3 years and just recently we had our second son.  Soren.

Times have changed.  Mommy wars were up in arms (battles over everything).   I was "fighting" on the side for breastfeeding - knowing my past I still could relate to those using formula and knew that it was okay.  But, breast is best.    I was eager and looking forward to having Soren so I could do it "right" this time.    I was making plans going back to teaching in 6 weeks when August hits.  Trying to figure out how to pump in a building full of awkward children (I teach Jr. High) I was going to try this time and not fail.  

I failed.  

I failed me.  I failed my baby.  I failed the mommy wars.  but most importantly - I failed God.  

We went 5.5 days breastfeeding.  It was just all wrong.  I had to have a c-section with Soren for he was breech, big and placenta was in the way.  So things just weren't "normal" from the get go.    Breastfeeding at the hospital was great.  I heard praise from the nurses that he had a good latch.  It didn't hurt.  I was so excited - telling my mom and sister that I can't believe how much I enjoyed it this time around.  

We got home - breastfeeding became more difficult.  The first thing that started causing trouble was my hand/arm.  More so the right one than the left.  But it would go numb, tingle, hurt, swell, ache, and couldn't hold or do much of anything (I couldn't use a pen or cut up fruit with a knife... it was bad and scary).   I was having trouble with getting S to latch - it is difficult when you have one working hand.  I even had J try to help S latch and hold him while I pried open his lips (fish lips, not old man!).    It got harder.  Later I found out that C-section patients a lot of time have carpal like symptoms from the excess fluid.

I started to dread the next feeding.  I started finding reasons not to be around my baby.  A little postpartum depression, yes.  I started to find excuses to give Soren the pacifier just to buy me a little extra time.  

I was bleeding.  I was crying.  I was in pain from my swollen feet, surgery incision (19 staples), carpal tunnel like hand, bleeding breast.    Mentally - I couldn't take it.  Honestly, I don't know if my milk ever came in.

As a result Soren didn't have a dirty/wet diaper in 8 hours.  He didn't poop for a day (you know 3 wet, 3 dirty every day for the first week.... not him).  I was starving him without even really knowing it.  I wasn't feeding on demand.  I was demanding it stopped hurting before I fed.  

Finally my husband said maybe we should do formula (I had suggested it the day before, but stuck nursing out... again).

Tears flooded as we gave Soren his first bottle.  I am about to cry as I think about it now.  Again, I dried up without struggle. 

I tried... but in the end... I failed... God.  

I failed God's greatest design.  He designed this entire amazing universe without flaw.  He designed mommies to take care of babies inside of the womb for 9 months and then gave them the ability to nourish their babies after that.  Seriously, how cool is it that babies only need their mommies after life.  That's it... they need mommy.    

And even though through these mommy wars I was fighting for breasts.... I was becoming a secret alliance with formula mommas.  

I was a trator 

As we fed Soren the first bottle I couldn't help but repeat "I am sorry"  I let so many people down.  I broke God's great design and accidentally hurt our baby (God's other amazing creation).   Thankfully my husband is very helpful and supportive.   He told me every time I said sorry that I had nothing to be sorry for.  He thought it was best for our entire family.    

The next day we went to Soren's first dr. appointment.   He asked how things were going and after realizing that S wasn't back up to his birth weight and the story of my tragedy he confirmed and affirmed that we made the right decision switching to formula.     

I am a good mom..... I am feeding my baby formula

Last night I was talking to a little bit older mom (I think she is in her 40's).  She asked how I was doing and all the typical questions about how baby was doing.   Finally she asked "how do you feel about not being able to nurse?"  

It was nice to be asked straight up the tough question.   I almost cried (again) telling her that it hurt thinking I let everyone down but I am okay with it now.

We are doing ok.  Soren is eating and in a few days we find out how healthy he is.  I no longer want to avoid my baby.  My breast don't scream in agony.   My kid is eating!  And I know that God still loves me.  

So from a mom who tries.

I tried breast feeding... and I failed.   

Am I for breastfeeding - yes!  Am I for pumping - yes!  Am I for formula - yes!  

But please, next time you innocently judge another mom - remember that we shouldn't be at battle or war with each other.  We don't deserve to feel like failures by other people standards.  We are all doing our best.  

If you are a mom reading this.... believe me... YOU TOO, ARE A GREAT MOM!

And for fun here is big brother trying to feed little brother (under a watchful eye).  

Leave me a comment.  What is your story?

Week seven - summer almost over

Monday - no accidents!!  Had a great day at the park and playing with daddy.  Wet night.

Tuesday- dry night went to see family. He wet his pull up on the 2.5 hour drive there. But had no accidents all day!  Or coming home. 

Fun with cousins!! 

Wednesday - woke up dry after a long day of fun yesterday.   Peed in our little kiddie pool but napping getting ready to drive 1.25 hours to see my grandpa.  No accidents unless you count the night time drive home tinkle ity bitty bit ;) 

Thursday - after library hour we went to my moms where we shucked corn for EVER! He only had an accident after his nap, but it was in a strange place and we were outside.   

Friday - no accidents. In the evening we went to a BBQ for a family friend who was back from service.  Gideon fell and got two skinned knees. We had fun. 

Saturday - we had a fun morning with watching two kiddos for an old friend.  Little e is the same age as Gideon and is so adorable!  My parents came over so Jeremiah and I could go to a beautiful wedding.  At night my dad took Jeremiah and Gideon to the movies. I wasn't feeling well.  NO ACCIDENTS AGAIN!! 

Sunday - church were Gideon went twice.  At home he kept telling us when he needed to potty. :) another accident free day. 

How do you define potty training? 

A little bit of everything.

Good afternoon!  At least it is in our home. 
I am sorry for not being able to post as frequently as I would like.  When I do post I have to use my work's laptop and I usually don't have that out at will.   I am not for sure why I have a need to tell you this - who are you anyhow?  Who's really reading this... haha.

So, for some updates: 
POTTY TRAINING - GX is almost done with week two of potty training!  I honestly wanted to give up on the first day - I didn't think I WAS READY.... GX was for sure ready - totally.    But we stuck with it and it seems to be going well.  I am such a "researcher" and "data driven" type of person that it's hard for me to do something new without details before hand.   How often should he go?  How much should he go?  When should he go?  Where should he go? This and that?  and Whom and What and When and WHHHYYY is he peeing in the kitchen - again!?!   =]  But seriously.
I need to look at the small achievements he has made in the last two weeks.
He has not had a wet nap - wakes up from his 3 hour nap coma dry.
The last four nights he has woken up dry.
I've only had to change three or four poopy accidents - the rest our successess.
We can tell when he has to go now - he holds his peepee. 
This morning he asked to go potty when he woke up!

We are getting there!    He's just so big.  Although I get frustrated - he never stops amazing me.  His creativity, his quickness, and his compassion is amazing.   I pray that God does something great with him. 

FAMILY UPDATES - Jacob graduated high school.  That is my brother in law who has been living with us the last year and a half to finish high school.  We are so happy and proud of him.  He's becoming an adult!   Jeremiah is enjoying his job for the most part.  It's great to have a little extra income over the summer (yeah new kitchen table that can sit three times as many as our small one)!!    Matthew, our summer college student, has also been a joy in our household - he is working and keeping busy but enjoys grilling with the family. 

VBS - yes.  Vacation Bible School.  Growing up I had loving parents who took me to a small country missionary baptist church.  But it wasn't until about two years ago that my husband and I started going to a larger christian church.   It's truly changed me, and in a good way.  I am always transforming and trying to become better. Although I never grew up going to camps, Wednesday nigh programs, VBS - these past two summers serving has been wonderful.  I do wish I had those opportunities as a kid, but it's good to know that I am getting to help others learn more about Jesus and what our mission is on earth.    Know the MASTER, know the MISSION.  
Mission 1 - be loyal to our KING
Mission 2 - be humble and serve others
Mission 3 - perserve and don't give up
Mission 4 - recruit others and spread the good news. 

MY PERSONAL SPIRTUAL GROWTH - I struggled, a lot last night, about the kitchen.  YES, the kitchen.  DISHES - GAH... DISHES!!    Now that there is another adult in the house dishes are more apparent.  Are there any other adults who feel like they are they only ones doing something in the house?  The laundry, the sweeping, the mopping, the vaccumming, the dish (un)loading, the dishes by hand, the cooking, the buy food, the cleaning table, the... the...  the "the's" never end!  I felt so bad about myself that I eneded up hurting my husband - never my intentions - just frustrated with potty training and living with four boys in general.    But while at VBS we are learning to be humble, serve others and that we are to do things for those in need.    So my question is - is it wrong for me to be upset that I feel so alone serving those in our house instead of others in need?
 
A few girls and I are working on a few books this summer.  The meetings HAVE BEEN wonderful.   I have never been as into my bible as I have had this summer.  I hope to create a loving office habit with Jesus that by the time crazy school starts I will CRAVE having time with the word and Jesus.  Our church, as mentioned before is a larger christian church, does a wonderful job helping us learn what it means to live and love like Jesus.    Through VBS, serving in Jr. High sunday school classes, or having women meet - it's been awesome!   I look at my husband, and our house, and just can't imagaine us living without God in our lives.  Even our rules for Gideon are based around the bible. 


OUR FAMILY RULES:
1) Listen and Obey (do as you should)
2) Be Gentle (with our words and hands)
3) Have a good attitude (no whinning/complaining/throwing fits/be content)
I personally love them - they cover everyhing!  Our 27 month old knows to even say "yes, ma'am!"  YUEAH!!   

More updates:

HEALTH - I am trying so hard to lose weight this summer.  I need to stay focus (part of our girls group is discussing our issues with food).    I just want to be fit!  Do things!  MOVE MORE.    with that we are trying to eat out less and cook more vegetbales.  Jeremiah got a new grill for father's day and so that's been an awesome treat.   

So, that's us.  

Gideon's birth story

Gideon Xavier Jones
Born: March 2, 2012 at 2:58 a.m.
Weight: 7lbs. 15oz.
Height: 20 inches
Head: 14.5 inches
Labor time: 36+ hours

"My Story"   Labor from a soon to be born's perspecive;

Wednesday, February 29 (Happy Birthday Heather), night mommy got very little sleep. Finally around 4 she started to count how far apart her contractions were. Around six oclock they start to become 4 minutes apart. Mommy called her mom, Grandma Marwene, to tell her to not go see her parents. Mommy then woke daddy up and told him to call into work for I, Gideon, was coming. Mommy wanted to take a shower and still needed to pack her bag. They left for the hospital around 9 am March 1st and where checked in around 10 am. Mommy was checked and was dilated to a 4. She wanted to have an all natural birth so to progress labor/contractions she went for walks. After an hour she was at a 5, after another hour of walking and contractions she was at a 6, same thing happened for 7. However when mommy hit the dilation of a 7, she was stuck. Mommy went through painful contractions for three hours and didn't progess anymore. She was very discouraged and hurting. She finally "broke" and took the epidural (a drug that makes your lower half of your body numb). She instantly felt much better, still in control but not in pain (just pressure). She then dilated to a 10 very quickly. They decided to give her petocin to make her contractions stronger so that I could come. Luckily she wasn't in as much pain. The doctor said mommy needed to push to get me out. Mommy pushed and pushed and pushed (you should have seen her face). Daddy and Grandma Marwene were there to help mommy through everything. Daddy said later "it was like a war zone!" After three and half hours of intense pushing and true laboring Sue, the on call midwife decided to get Dr. Cox to see what they should do next. My head was just stuck in the canal and kept hitting mom's pelvic bone. Dr. Cox had mommy push a few times, but nothing. At some point as mommy puts it "everyone was running around the labor room and I just yelled, I need to push!!!!!!" So, mommy started pushing and Dr. Cox "reached in" and grabbed me. Daddy said that after I was pulled out my umbilical cord had burst all over the sweetest nurse Julie (mommy said she was her favorite!). I had a low apgar scale because mommy made my birth traumatic, so says the doctors. But I turned out just fine.
I was born at 2:58 a.m. on March 2, 2012. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of me, because I'm super cute. Mommy has started nursing me, I like it and eat a whole bunch at a time. I'm a pretty cool baby and just never really fuss.

Today, I had the sniffles so they are monitoring me a bit closer and taking a few test. We'll let you know how things are going. Mommy and Daddy are not worried, so you shouldn't be either! I'm such a healthy boy, going to be a good day!