I tried - the season finale

Hey interweb friends. It's been about 2.5 months since I have last written. I really don't know why I stopped other than the words ebb and flow naturally.  I could blame the lack of time, the lack of motivation, lack of passion, lack of courage.... lots of excuses really. 
Regardless, I am putting my heart out there through my words again.

Have you ever watched an entire show from the pilot episode to the series finale?  And when it ends, you have this gapping hole, like "now what"? That these strangers came to be more, and you looked forward to enjoy their lives (no matter how fake or real they might be).

That's currently where I am at.  The end.

I feel like my series is over; the characters that have developed over time will be missed.  The plot twists have ceased and I am walking out, alone, into darkness.

If I hang in there, I know another network might pick me up.  They make spin-off series all the time. Right? Or volumes of seasons.  This isn't my true end.  Just a different beginning.

This year (and I mean school year; August - present) has been filled with trials and growth, not just at my job, but in general day to day life.

So, this was my classroom. I walked out of it for the last time a week ago. It was my home for the last 5 years. My pregnant swollen feet paced this room. Our oldest started school from this room. Push up and plank challenges took place in this room. Hugs and laughter were shared in this room. Cheers and uproar echoed within these walls.  Lightbulbs clicked on as foundations in understanding were repaired, replaced and strengthened.  This room is more than just some brick walls. It's the lining of my heart.

I walked out by choice, "going without knowing" as a coworker told me.  Since October my husband has been working weekends about 2 hours away.  It has caused some awesome calendar balancing, but we managed to work as a family.  Because of this wonderful opportunity we decided to move our family that direction this summer. I have since found another teaching job, and eagerly await the new adventure - the spin off series.

But THIS series finale was hard.  It wasn't just a season, knowing I'd come back after summer, with a tan. But I closed that door, turned in my keys, and walked out.

It was hard to leave.

I had one of THE BEST teaching partners/coworkers I could have ever imagined or dreamed of.  She blessed me with prayers, compassion, a listening ear, wisdom, hugs, goodies, and love for my family. This lady was an anchor to making me feel successful, we worked so effortlessly together.  I worked with a great team of teachers whom I respected greatly - for they did their job, and did it well and appreciated the fact that they knew how to laugh and have a good time.

But then there are my students, my kids.  This group this year stole my momma heart. They were ornery and mischievous.  They were sweet, friendly and helpful.  Some of them took bigger pieces of my heart, some of them I would seriously have adopted without question. I am just glad to know, that for a short period of time, they were able to feel some genuine love.  These kids carry stories that don't belong to children.  They carry heartache and brokenness at a magnitude that is indescribable.  I look forward to seeing what these young people do in a few years. They will conquer so much; for they have already. Here's to the graduating class of 2023!

One of the most challenging parts of teaching is that you don't always know if what you are saying is getting through to them.  But thankfully, I know that with this group, they were listening. I had letters and cards written with such sweet words.  Words to remind me why I do my job, why it's not a job, but a privilege. Words that I didn't even expect from some. Treasures.

So, this summer, we are moving.  I am sure it will be a whirl wind of events; filled with tears of joy, fear and excitement. And here shortly I will be turning lights on into a new room, new challenges, new kiddos, and new opportunities to keep giving it my all.

One student got me the book "Auggie and Me," knowing that I read Wonder and enjoyed it. Inside she not only wrote a letter but stuck in little reminders like the one pictured below.  

Here's to my spin-off series.  Loveandnumbers2.0

PS - to my friends and family - you will be missed too; it's different (for some reason).  I am sure those tears will roll as our tires pull away from our drive one last time.  I'm not ready for that.

PSS - another post this week about Romans BSF study and how my disputes aren't the best....

I tried - Embracing Fear

Today has hit me hard; but in a good kind of way.

This morning I woke up to Soren's feet in my face.  About 2:30 this morning he grabbed BB-8, his pacifier and his dog blanket and crawled in bed with me.  As much as we try to have our kids sleep in their own beds, I don't mind the cuddles. Soren also knows when his daddy is gone and there is plenty of room next to mommy, his cuddles (and kicks) were welcomed.

We slept a bit later than normal, not allowing for time for me to really get a good grip on the day - which is probably why I was hit with emotions later on - I was vulnerable, ready to receive and needed to embrace my reality.

Embrace my fears.

Soren and I rushed around this morning, to get to church earlier than normal for I had a "meeting" for an event that I am helping put together.  It was filled with the love of so many women as we discussed, organized and most importantly prayed.

After the meeting I moved into talking and encountering friends, different walks and seasons of our life. Sat down, in church, listened to Sy preach about Luke 4 and how we need to encounter mess and mob so we can love like Jesus. I don't like mess, I don't like mobs (or crowds of any kind), I don't like not being in control.

It wasn't the spilling coffee on my Bible or the fact that I can't spell when doodling in my notebook (Hannah reminded me that this is why I should not be a tattoo artist) that rattled my brain or made me stir.

It was when we than sang Build My Life by the  Passion the chorus found a crack in my very controlled and rationalized heart.

"I will build my life upon Your love

It is a firm foundation

I will put my trust in You alone

And I will not be shaken" 

In order to build my life in Your love, I have to embrace my fears.
In order to experience a firm foundation, I have to embrace my fears.
In order to put my trust in You, alone, I have to embrace and then release my fears.
In order to not be shaken, I have to embrace you handling my fears.

A week, actually a few days, before Christmas, I had a friend over for coffee. We were able to catch up with each other's lives but then she asked me how I really felt about Jeremiah, the hubby, taking a job a few hours a way resulting in us having to move this summer.

I gave her what I thought was an honest answer, but now I know that the question was so incredibly deep that I wasn't ready to answer until now.

I am scared.

That same week I was at my parent's house, my sister and her oldest were there too.  Gideon, who's almost 6 was telling his almost 5 year old cousin that this summer he is going to be moving.  My sister asked me if that was still happening - for I have been very hesitant of sharing the news that this is our families' reality.  We were in a very similar situation a year ago and I have not fully recovered from that hurt and how things ended then; so I have been even more hesitant with about this move.  My mom then told Gideon that she was going to miss him, he looked her dead in the eyes and said "don't worry, I can find a new grandma" - my dad was laughing while I was trying to pull the dagger out of my mom's heart.

I am scared.

Before children I was ready to move anywhere, jump any time, do anything.  But now, there is comfort in knowing that our sons are growing up around family and church friends.

I realized today as we sang that song, building my life in His love and His truth means that I have to not be in control with this move. That we have been called to do kingdom work.  Embracing my fears of my next job, stability, finances, relationships, selling and buying homes, school and child care.... and on and on... and on.. - all of those fears have to be given to God.

So here it is - embracing not only my fear of moving, but embracing my fear to not be in control.

I tried - reading Mississippi Bridge [September book and updates]

September!  Hooray!  

This month I started an online book club/study to read Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts"

So far, the book is going really well - in fact it is a quick read.  I am doing my best to slow down, really dig deep and get into this book; not just to be a good facilitator for these women, but to find peace for myself.

Fall is my favorite, and as I am sure I have blogged before, although fall is my favorite, it is also a somewhat sad time.  I just feel like I need more time to enjoy it - that it this is my time to find my pace and speed for the next season of life.

One Thousand Gifts couldn't have come at a more perfect time!  Because we are reading the book over a period of 6 weeks, I wanted to keep reading other books, being engaged.

Labor Day my dad gave me a book and said it would take only 20 minutes.  Well, I'm a slow reader, but it was done in less than an hour.

Mississippi Bridge is a short book by Mildred D. Taylor (she wrote Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry).   I was doing research for what age the book would be good for (5th grade) but honestly, I would love for some adults to read this amazing piece of fiction.

It is so incredibly relevant to today.  How, even today, there are people who are teaching their children hatred (and some do it without even knowing they are!).  But for some children, they will "rebel" and fight for what they want to understand better - loving people.

The ending is great!  No spoilers here, just read the book yourself!

Believe me, it reminds me of the story of the Old Man his White Horse - Perspective.

Perspective is everything.
This book hurt me to read, how people are so ignorant and unkind. Perspective.
I am torn between wishing I lived in a previous time period or not.  That I would be an activist, if I didn't get myself killed. Perspective.
The ending. Perspective.

So, Here's to a great month.  A great season. A season of peace and gifts.  A season to love and be present.  A season to be outside, reading, educating and helping others.

I tried - being mentorable {open letter to my future mentor}

Dear Future Mentor,

Thank you.  I have needed you for some time.  I needed you without even knowing it was you, or the idea of a mentor.  I needed  you more than I realized.

See, I feel as if I am in a weird spot in the church.  I don't feel like I belong.  I did not grow up in the church that we are going to, so my roots are more shallow than others. I did not attend the Christian college, as my husband and friends did, feeling as I orbit their social circle. I have a "worldly" job... I mean ministry... ahh, whatever teaching is these days, which does not allow a lot of time to do do "mom" things or minister to others.  It's weird for I have a loving mom and great friends, but I am missing...

missing you.

I need guidance spiritually.
I need wisdom that challenges me.
I need patience, strength, calm, investment.
I need cared for.

I need you.

As I currently write you, my family is going through a season of transition. A time of reflection and re-centering our lives back to God's plan.  A time of waiting to see what is in store.  Prior to this season I had directly asked several (4) women to be my mentors, and asked handful of other women to just hang out - but it always falls through.  Some of these women graciously turned me down with positive answers.  Some didn't really have the time, respectively.

But I truly, prayerfully plead for someone to reach my hand and say "it is I that will get coffee with you! Listen. Talk. Pray. Check-in. Invest."   Okay, you don't have to talk like that.  I promise.

Mentoring is an odd topic to talk about in the church.  Sometimes it happens organically, very natural.  Other times it is forced.  I pray that whomever gets paired with me, it is a relationship that happens naturally, God driven.

See, I am a mess.  To my peers, it might appear that I am put together.  Got all the answers.  Life is grand.  But, I am human.  Just as my blog title states, I am trying.  Honestly, I don't know what I am doing from day to day.  Grasping at straws.

I know once this season of transition changes, there might be more time and opportunity for investment.

A  few weeks ago I was talking to an older lady about my parents helping take care of my children as we were at a conference she said "at least you have your parents, we always lived so far from family."    I just wanted to respond with, "but you had the church.  You had people come to you and watch your kiddos to give you a break.  Bring you a meal.  Pray with you.  Call you to see how you were. Being a mother is hard.  Working in a church is hard."   But I just acknowledged the truth that I am thankful that we are currently close living to my family.

A year ago I had a friend talk about how she doesn't have many deep relationships or mentors and how she wishes her mom lived closer.  Yet, in the same conversation I could count on two hands the older women in her life.  ASKING to babysit her new baby.  ASKING to clean her house or offer help.  ASKING  her over for coffee and conversation.  Yet it appeared that she is oblivious to all the good she had.
J
Future mentor, or can I call you friend.  I am a bit bitter.  I don't want to be.  I ask God to help soften my heart.  To give me courage to ask the right women to be apart of my life. But as a horse chases a carrot on the stick, I am always just a tad short.

So future mentor, future church.  Thank you.

Thank you for loving me, the messy me.  The real me.  The speaks before she thinks me.
Thank you for loving my family.  Challenging us to be humble kingdom workers.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to acknowledge that I exist.

That's all that is takes.
Letting people know that they are important.

I do my best to be intentional with my friends.  But having someone who has gone before me, to hold my hand through prayer, tears, excitement and opportunities is who I am looking for. (holding my hand can be figuratively - don't want to make anyone, myself included, uncomfortable).

If you are an older woman, regardless of age, who are you investing in?  The generation younger than  you?  The new mom?  A student? A babysitter?

Dear future mentor.
I needed you.
I wait for you.
I appreciate you.
I appreciate God's timing of you.

With love,
Megan

Freebie Find: 100 Questions and mentor conversation topics - to make this mentoring thing easier on all of us.  =] 

I tried - resting {finding peace in chaos - July's goals}

I realized that I never made a post over June goals.  Therefore, I can not make a post about how June went. (went really well!) When I started to type this post, I thought it was going to be a simple post over July's goals and what's happening in my corner of the world.

But then I realized that all of my goals reflect back to what I heard at church this morning.

"Shattered plans are often the result of our poor choices or God's sovereign will." - Dr. Mark Scott.  

Over all he was preaching about Jeremiah 17 and 18 and how that sometimes our plans are interrupted to get our attention (disobedience) or because God wants to remake us, for He is the potter and we are His clay.

It really was the perfect sermon for me to hear. God's perfect timing too. I have been reflecting on the word "PAUSE" and what that means for me and our current family situation and environment.

It seemed like several of my July goals are related to reflecting more on life.  Stepping back.  Stepping down.  Stepping outside, holding hands of little' more.  Stepping in tune with others.

Book: 
July I am going to re-read/finish "Messy Grace" by Caleb Kaltenbach.   Recently I heard him speak and was drawn again to his story and wisdom of how to better love our gay neighbors.  I figure this would be a quicker read the second time around and if time allows would like to read "Hoot" by Carl Hiaasen - a middle school novel my dad told me to read in a day.  We shall see!

Health:
I am going to continue to do my version of "weight watchers" - watching macros, meaning I am eating very clean foods - low sugar, carb, processed.     I am currently finishing up a four week Diet Bet game with some local friends.  I have to loose one more pound this week to make sure that I get my money back (possibly make some too).  I plan on investing the money I make into a different game.

Scripture:
June I was focusing on reading and studying 2nd Timothy because of my study, "Entrusted" by Beth Moore.  Now that that is wrapping up I will be going back to my weekly scripture focus.
Back to memorizing, or at least focusing and meditating on for the July week's:
Exodus 14:14
2 Corinthians 9:6
Habakkuk 2:20
1 Samuel 12:16

Challenges:
Continue to eat healthy.  I am also 12 days into a physical challenge (squats, pushups, plank and crunches) and would like to finish that out.

My two biggest challenges and habits that I want to create this month are;
1) Wake up before the boys at least 4 days a week - even if it's just 15 minutes before.  The trick to this is the fact that it IS summer and our boys don't have a strict waking time from summer schedules.  It is typically after 7:30.
2) I want to spend LESS time on my phone.  That's it.  See what's around me more.

Pause. Breathe. Repeat.

I tried - (trump life) remaining positive, finding peace

We, as in this country that I was born in, have a new president.  Mr. Trump.  There are a lot of things that have gone through my mind.  There are lots of conversations I have had with other teachers, my students, friends and family. But what I keep coming back to is His word.  

I did not vote for this man.  In fact, I did not vote. You can find other political blogs of mine if you are curious of why I refrain from voting.

But here are my thoughts on our current reality.  

Trump is president.

You are (pick one or a combination of the following, rhetoric):

*You voted for him - are super excited - almost rubbing it in everyone's faces and believe that the world is already a better place because of him all while chanting that you are glad Obama is out.
*You voted for him because you felt like you had no other choice, that it was your 'civic duty' and now you are waiting to see what the next 4 years bring.

*You did not vote for him and are super upset about the situation and all that it has already brought, including the Besty Devos situation (don't get my started on that - you all know how passionate I am about education!).  But, you go about your business, living your day to day life.
*You did not vote for him and while tears flood your eyes while Obama steps aside, you make irrational decisions by destroying other people's property all while yelling hateful words.
*You did not vote for Trump BUT you are doing something about the current conditions, while being civil and peaceful.

*Jesus.  - He is always an option. 

A few weeks ago I wrote down four scriptures that I wanted to memorize for the month of January.  Tonight, among some other reading, I looked at what I wrote down for next week.

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2

I have so much peace right now.  Maybe I should be marching, or prayer walking, or taking a stand for what is going on.  Right now - my focus is on things above.

Yes, it's heart breaking if your presidential nominee was not elected.  Yes, there are some things that are going to be hard to stomach. Yes, it's hard to grasp how some Christians believe that we should build a wall, dishonoring people, showing no love (check out Romans 12: 9 - 21 please).

But at the end of the day.  I want to be a better me, and to do that, I need to ask God what he wants.

I would challenge everyone to read Colossians 3.  The entire chapter.  If you continue to read we are given examples of what not to do, followed by what we should do.

Verse 14, "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..."

If you are a Christian - are you doing what was asked? 
If you are not a Christian - are the people you know that claim to be Christians doing what is asked - if not, challenge them to do it.

I tried - living in two worlds

Hesitation.

I read a high school buddy's blog the other day and she had written about her one word for 2017- check out the movement here.  

I thought about what my word would be.  I was learning towards "better" - I want 2017 to be better.   What about change, transition, opportunity, intentional, different, excitement, unknowing, overwhelmed?

But all day today, everything that I have been doing, working on, or thinking about - I have been hesitant.

Hesitation.  

I am hesitant about this year.  Like a pool's water with questionable temperatures.  You want to slowly stick your toes in, to only jump back.  That's 2017.   Two days into a new year.  I'm wanting to jump back.  I was never a good swimmer any how.  

Hesitation.

I am hesitant with my actions, choices, words, relationships, thoughts, to-do list items, every basic task has become over whelming or flat out just takes longer for my mind to process the efficiency at which I want to do things.

Honestly - I just want to sit. Be. Be alone. Be done.  Be quiet.  Be lazy. Be better.

So, instead of "being" or doing "better" - I am hesitant.  

Hesitation.

Do I go through the boys closets for the second time this week, looking for things to sell?
Do I call and try to find a realtor to start the processing of selling our house?
Do I box up everything unwanted in hopes to make the process easier down the road?
Do I go to the store to buy my nephew's birthday present?
Do I go for a run, or work out, something I miss but haven't been doing?
Do I do the dishes and clean the house - a deep winter cleaning?
Do I text a friend who I feel as if they are hesitant in maintaining our relationship?
Do I look for my resume and update it?
Do I call this company again to get my courses and videos outlined?
Do I curl up and cry?
Do I pray, read and reflect?
Do I binge watch Girlmore Girls?
Do I take a nap?

Hesitant.  

I am hesitant because I don't know where to begin.  I want to do better, be better, in all aspects of my life.   But I am living in two worlds, and don't belong in either.

World A - it's changing.  I am a rock within the rapids.  Everything is moving around me.  But I wait for a big current to take me with it. It's a world which I don't belong.
World B - it's awaiting.  Awaiting with the what ifs.  It's the cliff of the river.  We can see it approaching, but the question of what is at the bottom - is unknowing.  You are hesitant to go over the cliff - what if there are only boulders and sharp rocks?  But we are told it should be a pool of refreshing water.

I am hesitant to even post this.

I am not wanting pity feedback.  I am not wanting for others to give me a false reality and tell me it's all going to be okay.  I am not wanting anyone to do anything, but push.

Can someone teaching me to swim, or better yet, just push me into the pool of 2017.  

I'm hesitant.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Rejoice always.  Pray without ceasing."  1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 17