I tried - facing honesty [Chapter 1 of Uninvited]

A week or so ago I posted about a book, "Uninvited" by Lysa TerKeurst, that when it's title appeared in my e-mail, I had to investigate and not quickly hit delete.

I was so excited about this opportunity that I used social media and found other women, (that I knew!), who were also interested in doing a study through this book.

My goal: As a facilitator, of a few lovely women I want to help them, and myself, to dig deep into our cores and find what past rejections have not been resolved and how to help develop mature spirituality when dealing with future situations.

I would like (going to try to keep this up) to blog about every chapter.

So here we are:

Chapter 1 - I'd Rather Ignore Honesty

This was definitely and introduction chapter.   For I wasn't yet drawn into her words.  This could be me, my lack of emotions, or that I am wanting these shocking AHH HAAA moments, but I was a little underwhelmed and excited await the next chapter.     Did anyone else feel this way?

I agree with what she was saying; that there is always work to be done.   Although I believe I am getting better with rejection, or being left out, because I am not as quick to be brought down, or as hard on my self.  But it still hurts.  Even a week ago I was hurt by some things that were done.  Even if they weren't intentional, they brought up some reminders of "why me?"

Does anyone else find honesty refreshing and helpful?

For me - I do!   I tend to be pretty direct and matter of fact; which my honesty, when not used carefully, can actually hurt people.   But I do whole heartedly believe that growth only comes from opportunities of truth.    I am really good at telling people this, but not always following my own words.

Some of my favorite quotes:
"Spiritual maturity doesn't shield me from rejection."  Page 3  This quote brings me comfort that no matter how "famous" a person is globally or even with in your local church, they are still human and need love too.

John 15 kept reappearing to me.    It started out as John 15: 13-15, but as you continue to read, the entire chapter is a great reminder that we are loved.  Someone died for us to know eternal love.  How amazing is that.  You and I are worth his love.  WE ARE WORTH HIS LOVE <-----   John 15:5 is another great reminder.   We are nothing without him.   Try not to hum "what a friend I have in Jesus......."


Ending thoughts and group questions (if not in the facebook group and would like to do this study, please let me know.  Feel free to comment below as well):

**Honesty helps us heal and grow while rejection ties us to lies in the past.  Do you agree?
**When and how were you "rejected" lately - was it related to a past issue?  How far back?
**What habits do you fall into or lies you believe wen you are stressed or feel unwanted?
**In the back, "Things I don't want you to forget," which is your favorite or a focus for this chapter?
**Did God give us broken relationships so we will know what is different about his perfect relationship with us?


How can I pray for you?

I tried - parenting {rules}

Discipline is Latin for 'to teach' or 'pupil.' For us to be semi-successful parents we must discipline.    

Parenting is not easy.  I tried.  I continue to try.  And even yesterday I felt like a huge failure in my efforts to parent.    But with every struggle comes learning opportunity; and my end result is that I want our boys to grow up to love and live like Jesus.  

I know and have seen several parents who refrain from discipline - because they only see it as punishment or "not loving"  - but in honesty, more harm can come from that mindset than setting rules. 

The following post is rooted in our religious beliefs.  I encourage you to continue to read.  You might not agree with my religion, but can find some common ground in  our expectations of our youth.  

We want our family to follow Jesus; that means being disciplined.   Discipline is to teach - and to teach  about Jesus we must also act like him.  We must be loving, for our actions, show our hearts.  An action has a reaction in everything we do.   As a teacher and parent  there are lines that can be crossed.  If it is emotionally, physically, spiritually or sexually abusive - THAT IS NOT DISCIPLINE OR OUT OF LOVE and not okay. 

Rules help provide structure that children crave.   They want stability, to know they are safe and loved. 

OUR FAMILY RULES: 
1)  Listen and obey the first time
2)  Be gentle with our words and actions
3)  Have a good and generous attitude; being okay with being told no.
We give people respect and honor and follow our rules because we LOVE PEOPLE.

1) Listen and Obey ** Titus 3:1, Ephesians 6: 1  [Children, obey your parents in the lord, for this is right]  - This is my favorite rule;  It can cover anything to keep your child safe and your sanity in tact.   Think of all the times that the bible talks about obeying.  God loved us, we should obey.   We love our children and we want them to obey.    I believe that the foundation of obeying is trust.   Asking a child to listen and obey reminds them that we love and care about them and their actions.  One of our son's favorite bible stories is Jonah and the big fish - great example of obedience.  

2) Be Gentle ** James 1:19-20 and Galatians 5:25-26, Titus 3:2 [to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people] - The bible is so full of the word gentle or meek.   For boys, gentle might look differently.   The word gentle, non-violent, or passive does not mean we are defenseless and should be taken advantaged of.  Being gentle is showing others love and compassion, what God calls us to do.  The meek will inherit the earth.   

3) Have a good attitude ** Matthew 6:24, Luke 12:22 - 27, Hebrews 13:5 [Keep your life free from love of money, and to be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."] - we originally started this rule off with "be content".  But to a small child "content" is an abstract idea .  The word "attitude" is something that we can see.    As our oldest has grown and developed a bigger vocabulary we talk about attitude, contentment, and generosity all under the same umbrella. To be followers of Christ, we are asked to die to ourselves.   This rule goes a long way when it comes to birthday parties or simply sharing.  It is also written with rule number one, listen and obey in mind.  To be content means to be okay with being told no.

We have these rules because we love people - John 13:34-35 [A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.] 

***Note, there are lots of scripture to reinforce our beliefs, although not all are listed.   Being content, gentle, having a good attitude while we listen and obey is how we have asked our family to show people love.

So that's great, right?  Some rules, like you haven't read or heard of them before.  Some of you out there might even be thinking - what does she know....  I've seen her kids throw fits.  I've seen her kids.... x, y, z.     I'm not trying to claim our rules are fool proof.  I am not trying to claim perfection.  I tried parenting; and it's hard. Believe me, there are times that I ask our oldest to pray for my attitude because mommy is not having a good one.  

I am just sharing what our family has chosen to do.  We believe in the Bible, and that our rules come from that.  They are FAMILY rules; my husband and I follow them too.   

So what happens when the rule is broken?   

Rules were easy to develop and find in the bible, however the consequences take more time and adjustment.  Our rules have not really changed in four years we have had kids.  But our consequences have.  As we grow as parents and as we learn what effects our little ones.  

When you hear the word consequence do you typically think of punishment?  When you hear the word discipline do you think of the word punishment?   A  consequence can be positive and negative.    Every action has a reaction.  

I truly believe that every parent will have to determine what consequences works best for them and their child. 

My two thoughts when it comes to consequences:
1) was the choice in their control, did they break the rule?     Example: our oldest throwing a fit before bed, well it was our fault as parents for letting him stay up late.  The consequence of OUR choice is his attitude.    He can control it, but we did not help him.
2) can you find something to be positive about?  Make everything a learning opportunity and always try to find positive.  
I had an extensive list of what we have tried with our kiddos.  But it gets to be a long list.  If you have questions on what to do if..... or how to treat......  please leave a comment.  I would love to hear from you.

What are some rules you live by?

I tried parenting - it is hard.  I pray that one day my boys will be able to contribute to society and love people.

I tried - inviting myself {uninvited book study}

This week.  Can I get a sigh.

A sigh, of relief that it's over.
A sigh, that a new one is going to begin.
A sigh, a moment of pause.
A sigh, that we aren't perfect.

It's been an odd week for me.

There are a lot of changes happening in our home, communities, schools, church, globally.   The tension is high.

Or maybe it's just "that season".... you know the season, you just kinda get in a rut.  Or groove.  And maybe you like "that season"... maybe you don't.    Don't get me wrong, I love fall.  I love back to school routines.  But, I also need time of rest... to process.  I want to process the summer.  I want to meditate on what's a head.  I want a break to just sit by the river and be at peace.    My season is one of conflict and contradictions.  And now, without a moment's hesitation, I am staring at the face of "that season."

The season came quickly.  It really did.  It started last Sunday.

Our church started up a huge campion or kick off to get more small groups or home groups up and running.   We have known for the past month or so that our current group would be splitting into some other groups; multiplying, making more disciples for the kingdom.  The change was slow and I was prepared for it.    What I was not prepared was for some heartache to follow.

By inviting new people into my home I had to 1) let go of some people I dearly enjoyed seeing weekly and 2) realize I couldn't have everyone in our group.

See, I have this problem.  It really is a problem, even though others don't see it like that.   It pains me to see people left out.  I guess I have always felt that way, but it wasn't until I was an adult that I could classify it.  In high school, I literally knew everyone - at least their name, I would sit at different lunch tables every day, I hung out with a variety of people, went to every stereotypical party you could think of.  The problem wasn't me being kind to people, the problem was the feeling I would get when I would feel left out.   I never wanted others to feel excluded; but the root of the problem wasn't inviting people, it was the fact that I am not very good at sharing.  Can I not just have a friend in my life, that is all mine?  Does that happen?  Is that even healthy or normal?

I'm like the friendship cupid <-----is that even a thing?  I'm really good at being the third, or fifth, or seventh wheel in friendships.   Getting the right people together is easy for me.
Being pushy + observant = new friends for others
I had a few close friends, but even within those close friendships I was still behind someone else who got the title "best friend"  -  I never had the other half to the BFF broken heart-shaped necklace.  I was the ultimate third wheel.    **side note: Sisseck, I question this statement - you and Crystal were close, but you were my high school best friend, I'd say and I think you might agree... so don't think "what about me!?" for I love you dearly**

I just kind of stumbled through life, doing my own thing, being friends to people and then once they were set up with better friends, moving on.  As I got older it became more obvious.   And sometimes the friendships blossomed because I had to move or leave for outside forces (moving states tends to hinder friendships).  There are times when friendships just don't align because of time - working mom = less time/crazy schedule.  

So....  last week, we have this small group kick off.  There were moments that were really hard for me.  It was like being picked last for dodge ball or something.   People would ask us questions and then would move to the next group and sign up.  Or I would watch as friends and people I knew socialized and grew into groups right in front of my eyes.  This glass wall was all around me.

Seriously, the silence was deafening in my head.

THEN, a few days later I got this e-mail.

Subject:  "Sign up for the "Uninvited" Online Bible Study"

God - you are too good to me.    The tag line was: Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely.

This had to be an e-mail only for me.  No one else feels like this.  Right?  It was a joke?  Facebook is covered in pictures of tight-knit neatly-woven friendships.    I am the only one who feels left out (like pretty regularly), right?

Perfect.  Timing.

As I looked into the book, I realized this was the perfect opportunity for me.   I texted Jeremiah a few questions and quickly signed up online for the bible study and ordered the book.

I am not a reader of books (articles are my go to, infographics are superb).   But it has taken a lot of strength for me to not open this book.   I am waiting for the perfect moment.   I want to soak up every word.  I want to breath out every relief.  I want to pause with every word that reminds me that I am loved.

The study starts September 6th.  If you are interested in joining me; let me know.  Sign up here.  Because of my "problem" - I really do invite all women (and maybe even men, I can't say or judge) to look into this.  My goal is to post thoughts fairly regularly here; so if you are hesitant or want a review, keep checking back.

There's a song by Matt Redman; "Never Once" - it popped into my head as I was writing this.     Give it a listen.  Or read the lyrics and let them resinate deep into your heart.

I am not alone.  You are not alone.

You are invited by Him.

** Also, our small group minister was able to give us names of families and individuals that I look forward to grow with in community.  This post was not about groups or them but about feeling left out.**
**I need to add that I did not right this post to hurt anyone.  If you felt like growing up or even now we were good friends, we probably were or are.   Don't hesitate to shoot me a message. **
**2017 now, looking back, God took us on an entirely different journey!**

I tried - counting calories {weight loss journey update}

It's been a year!
Well, almost.
I "officially" started my healthy lifestyle change August 1st of 2015.   Here is the a piece of my first weight loss journey post from last year:

"My goal - which ever comes first is to lose 60 pounds or be down 4-5 dress sizes by next summer.   I am trying to keep in mind that muscle, scientifically, does weigh more than fat.  I am trying to keep in mind that this is going to be a long journey.   I am trying to keep in mind that no matter what I am loved, I am important, I am valuable.  I am trying to keep in mind that my body is not really mine.  I belong to something bigger and better than all of us. But I need to do this. I want to be healthy for my family. 

Hopefully blogging will be another tool to keep me accountable.  I have a great support system to encourage me and work out with me. I am logging my food, follow me on my fitness pal as mdjones12.  I am eating less sugary foods and limiting breads.  I got a Fitbit to monitor my steps. I have all the tools. Now to put them in place." 

Click me if you really want to read the entire post.

So, how did I do?

Started at 210 ----------> currently at 175 pounds.   I did not loose 60 pounds [YET].  
Started at size 18/20 ----------> currently at size 12. I did not loose 4-5 dress sizes [YET].

Am I healthy for my family?  Absolutely!
Did I log my food?  Every day, for a year!  See below picture.
Did I track my steps?  Every day, getting on average 12,000 steps a day.

Around March, I wanted to quit.    But I decided to keep going and set some other new goals.  Here is what I wrote from that post:

"Train for my 1/2 marathon in May.  [I have a 10k this Saturday and a 10 mile race at the end of April]

Eat better.  I really do need to limit my sugar intake.  **it's just so good**

Incorporate strength training - twice a week."

So how did I do?

I ran a 1/2 marathon *check*
I try to eat better *check*
Incorporate strength training twice a week *half check*



I am making progress.

****

My husband, J, and I got a year long membership to a club back in June.  Recently, we hired a personal trainer.  At first I was a little worried/consumed by the cost of it (although not a lot, I always feel bad for spending money on me/us).
But after a few sessions (that KICKED my booty) I was able to come to terms.  Tatum and Colby are helping us learn.  We are learning form and technique.  We are learning better nutrition.  We are learning what exercises to do for what we need (running faster for me and loosing weight for J).
I was also okay with it once I realized that people use wraps, powders, shakes, surgeries, and pills looking for the same results; while what we are buying is a lifestyle change a learning opportunity.  I don't want to depend on supplements or outside sources for the rest of my life. This change, depends on us.    



I've stopped counting calories.  I am still writing down what I eat so our trainer can see my log.  But I am not counting calories.  I am done with those little numbers on every package, with every bite.  I now think, do I want someone to see this.  Is it worth writing down?   I am, per our trainers advice, eating smaller more frequent meals.  From a handful of almonds to an apple.

Do I still crave ice cream (had it two times last week).
Do I still feel guilty when eating said ice cream?  NO.  Not any more.



THE SCALE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON!

That is my new constant reminder.
It's just a number.
Here are some more important numbers that define me.

* 3 nails that saved my life
* 8 years of marriage
* 2 boys of my own
* 4 years of teaching (about to start my 5th!)
* 516 students served, loved, cared for and challenged
* 752 miles (probably more) ran since 2012
* 546 kilometers ran during 2016, that's roughly 339 miles in 7 months
* 2761 moments captured on my phone.
* numerous women who love and support me
* countless healthy meals I have made for my children
* several hours of playing, dancing, acting silly with my children

I am worth so much more than that simple number of 175 pounds.
That could be 175 coconuts for all we know.

A year ago I decided to start a weight loss journey.  A lifestyle change.  And that's exactly what it has been. A journey.

This next year's journey is going to be a continue of the last year.  {WOW, can I just pause,  it's been a year!!!}

What am I going to continue for this year, this journey:
continue to run
continue to work out regularly
continue to eat smaller portions and health/clean food
continue to play with my kids
continue to laugh at myself
continue to love who I am and who I am becoming
continue to grow healthy friendships
continue to dig deep into my faith

I tried counting calories.  And now I am going to move on.

I will check back in, I am sure, in a few months.  But this picture always resinates with me.  So I am just going to leave it here.

I tried - playing devils advocate {current society issues}

A few days ago, I tried playing devils advocate.   I am not proud of what happened, and I should have known better; but I ended up hurting ones I loved.

I don't like the wording, 'devils' advocate' because it sounds like I am working with the devil.  So, I will call myself for what I am, a teacher.  Now, some of my students would see the parallel between teacher and evil.....  *anyone laughing, anyone?*..... and maybe even some of my friends.

As a teacher my job is to educate.  Yes, I do enjoy teaching math (everyone pause for a moment and remember how much you hate math, but in reality you use it every day).   More importantly than teaching math, I like teaching about life!    I like presenting two sides of a case.   I like bringing in tough issues and challenging deep thought.  I like pushing people, to help them grow. And while doing so, also helping myself mature and grow too.

Social media can be a dangerous place.  It's not even safe to catch pokemon anymore!  I use social media for two things: to annoy people with ridiculously cute pictures of my kids and educate.  I want people {my children, my students, my friends, my family} to be able to think for themselves.

I want them to be able to form an opinion based off of facts while simultaneously sifting through their hearts and emotions.    

So when I started posting about __________________ lives matter.   I ended up hurting ones that needed my support and love more than anything.    My whole goal was to educate.  I have friends who hate muslims.  Who don't value black lives.  Who don't care for the gay community.  I have friends who have the biggest hearts, give when they have nothing themselves, and wear their passionate hearts on their sleeves.   I have stubborn friends who are this wing or that wing.   I have friends who claim a religion and then act worldly.  I have friends who are full of pride and those that are humble.  So, if at any given opportunity, if I can help teach, if I can help educate, if I can help show love, then I am going to.

However, I was everything I was fighting against.   I was fighting for love.  I was fighting for peace.  But I ended up hurting.

To those who I have hurt {be in the past, the present, or even the future}  

I truly am sorry if I had upset you by pushing to hard.  By my lack of support.  By failing communication.  By not giving enough hugs.

So, with deepest sincerity, I am sorry.
I am sorry for posting when I should have been praying and asking for guidance.
I am sorry for pushing when I needed to step back and pause and reflect.
I am sorry for talking when I should have been listening to your heart, to the stillness.
I am sorry for not being who I am wanting to be.

The topic of blue vs black lives has been on my heart and mind constantly.   I am reading articles, watching videos,  praying, searching for answers.  I have posted things on social media trying to get others to help inform me of their thoughts.   I have asked those who work in social justice ministries, cops, friends, teachers.

My mind was swinging as the wind blows.  But then I read Romans 12: 9-21.  And THAT was the reminder that I needed.  That was the moment God gave me clarity.

So here is where I stand.  Some ideas have been poured into concrete years ago.  And some ideas are in sand becoming more solid. But currently this is it:

***  I am non-violent (concrete) - I can not and will not hurt a person.    People always challenge me with "what about self-defense?"   "what about if they are going to rape or shoot your child?"   "what about if......." and on and on.       Violence is not the answer.   Let God revenge what is his.        Here is a rather long list of versus that talk about loving people and living in peace.  But do not repay evil with evil (Romans 12:21).   So, when it comes to black vs blue;   black lives matter but they also should not be violent in their efforts.   Blue lives matter (and thank you for those who serve and put their lives out there every day) but they should not be violent in their efforts.

*** I believe equality is not the same as fairness (concrete) -   I use the below image with my students.  I hear all the time "this isn't fair"  but being fair does not always mean getting the same thing.   My 12/13 year old students can tell me that if a person is hungry that they should get more food than a person who is not.     For the people who challenge me "what about working hard?"  "what about those who use the system?"   "what about......"    I still stand firm in going back to Romans 12: 9-21.   We give to people food and drink.  We take care of people.  We don't judge people and think they need something or not.     Yes, there are people who abuse gracious opportunities.  Yes, there are those who have more than plenty and cling to it while giving nothing.    It is not my place to decide.  God will provide and take care of us.  God watches our actions.

So, if a people group needs  more of something from our government, from our school system, from law enforcement, or even from our churches, than it is our job to help them in a way that meets that need.

I believe that to be equal we have to be different.  

*** I believe that our society needs a return of respect (concrete) - we don't respect each other.   Our own children struggle learning to respect in a society that demands they have what they want when they want it.    We need to respect each other.  Respect authority.  Respect the law. Respect people. Give them honor.

[UPDATE]

It's been a few months since I have last updated on anything.  

Here is a run down:

Soren - is 11 months old.  He has almost 8 teeth!  He loves to eat, avocado to kiwi and everything in between.  He probably eats better than I do.    He crawls, and fast!  He pulls up on anything and everyone. Just lowered his crib for this reason.   Truly is a happy blessing to our lives.

Gideon - turned 4 and is experience his first 'summer break'.... although it is short for mommy (I am teaching summer school) we are making the most of it.   He DID NOT like soccer but enjoys playing tball a lot.    He mastered everything at school and has developed some great drawing skills.

Jeremiah - finished out the semester and his internship!  He earned all A's and one B!  Incredibly proud of him.  This semester was not easy (on anyone).  He also has started teaching music lessons.  He has students learning guitar, vocal, bass, mandolin, piano - like everything.   This summer he will also be working at a variety of conferences running sound.

Megan - for me, my biggest accomplishment in the last several months is that I completed a half-marathon!  That's right, I ran 13.1 miles.   I finished around 2 hours and 40 minutes.  I was pretty okay with this.  I have been playing the role of 'single' mom lately.   We were ready for summer.  I can't believe I've finished my 4th year of teaching!   And then, here soon, I will be starting to teach some summer school.


Celebrations - we celebrated several birthdays, weddings, recitals, and babies in the past months.  But the most difficult celebration was celebrating the life of my grandpa.  He passed away mid-May.  He went quickly from sepsis (his lungs filled up and stopped breathing).  The fact that he is gone still hasn't made it all the way to my heart yet, like it's not deep enough yet.   It's been really strange because this time around (compared to loosing my grandma) our lives were incredibly full.  I didn't have time to process it.  He was a good man, and he will be missed greatly.

It is almost June.   Life keeps a movin'

God Bless,

I tried - quitting {weight loss journey 2016}

I WANT TO QUIT.

There.

I said it.   Well, I stated it.  But once it's on the internet - there is no coming back.

I was raised not a quitter.  So quit quitting?  But seriously, my parents always made sure that I completed any task that I had signed up for, asked to do, or committed to.

By nature I am a person driven by results.  I am driven by improving and helping.  I am driven by productivity.  I am driven by data and facts.

So when I hit 2 months...... TWO MONTHS..... of not losing weight.

I wanted to quit.

I had lost my drive.



My whole "will lose 60" campaign came to a screeching halt.    2/3 done though (that's positive).    My "weigh 150" by the end of the school year has become, by Soren's first birthday, and then might be pushed back to my anniversary of starting this journey.    Setting attainable goals is always important.   But what if you are doing 'everything' and those goals seem to float away?

Every time I come close to quitting, someone would tell me that I am inspiring them.
The people that say I am inspiring - are MY INSPIRATION.

I don't like letting people down.  I want to quit but I also don't want to disappoint.

It's a true inner struggle.

Who struggles with this conflict:


Here's the other reality - God loves me.  My husband loves me.  My children love me.  Friends, family, community, etc.... I am loved.

---> I just don't love myself <---  

Like, that's harsh.  I love myself.  But I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.

So, why are we so hard on ourselves as people (moms specifically).

That number on the scale is just a number.  So why does it impact people more than something REAL.   Freinds and family = REAL.  Serving and loving others = REAL.    A cold metal box that spits a number out at you.....  is that real?  Is that real life?  Is that real living?



I think I have shared the above image before.  

BUT I NEEDED THE REMINDER  {did you?}

STRUGGLE IS REAL:
I like to read other articles, blogs from a variety of people.   I am not a book worm as much as an information ant.   With that I see post about how to lose weight.  I see post about how you should be happy with yourself.  And everything in between.

How do you balance being content and being realistic with being lazy and having excuses?



So, where do I go from here???

Goals:
Train for my 1/2 marathon in May.  [I have a 10k this Saturday and a 10 mile race at the end of April]
Eat better.  I really do need to limit my sugar intake.  **it's just so good**
Incorporate strength training - twice a week.

Stop having excuses, be happy (I always do feel happier after a good run or sweat), stay positive.  




I tried quitting.   It wasn't for me.  This was just a detour in  my journey.  

Romans 5:8 - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Read more at http://www.christianpost.com/buzzvine/7-inspiring-bible-verses-about-gods-love-for-us-125330/#AjuurpdCbiiYQksz.99