A sigh, of relief that it's over.
A sigh, that a new one is going to begin.
A sigh, a moment of pause.
A sigh, that we aren't perfect.
It's been an odd week for me.
There are a lot of changes happening in our home, communities, schools, church, globally. The tension is high.
Or maybe it's just "that season".... you know the season, you just kinda get in a rut. Or groove. And maybe you like "that season"... maybe you don't. Don't get me wrong, I love fall. I love back to school routines. But, I also need time of rest... to process. I want to process the summer. I want to meditate on what's a head. I want a break to just sit by the river and be at peace. My season is one of conflict and contradictions. And now, without a moment's hesitation, I am staring at the face of "that season."
The season came quickly. It really did. It started last Sunday.
Our church started up a huge campion or kick off to get more small groups or home groups up and running. We have known for the past month or so that our current group would be splitting into some other groups; multiplying, making more disciples for the kingdom. The change was slow and I was prepared for it. What I was not prepared was for some heartache to follow.
By inviting new people into my home I had to 1) let go of some people I dearly enjoyed seeing weekly and 2) realize I couldn't have everyone in our group.
See, I have this problem. It really is a problem, even though others don't see it like that. It pains me to see people left out. I guess I have always felt that way, but it wasn't until I was an adult that I could classify it. In high school, I literally knew everyone - at least their name, I would sit at different lunch tables every day, I hung out with a variety of people, went to every stereotypical party you could think of. The problem wasn't me being kind to people, the problem was the feeling I would get when I would feel left out. I never wanted others to feel excluded; but the root of the problem wasn't inviting people, it was the fact that I am not very good at sharing. Can I not just have a friend in my life, that is all mine? Does that happen? Is that even healthy or normal?
I'm like the friendship cupid <-----is that even a thing? I'm really good at being the third, or fifth, or seventh wheel in friendships. Getting the right people together is easy for me.
Being pushy + observant = new friends for others
I had a few close friends, but even within those close friendships I was still behind someone else who got the title "best friend" - I never had the other half to the BFF broken heart-shaped necklace. I was the ultimate third wheel. **side note: Sisseck, I question this statement - you and Crystal were close, but you were my high school best friend, I'd say and I think you might agree... so don't think "what about me!?" for I love you dearly**
I just kind of stumbled through life, doing my own thing, being friends to people and then once they were set up with better friends, moving on. As I got older it became more obvious. And sometimes the friendships blossomed because I had to move or leave for outside forces (moving states tends to hinder friendships). There are times when friendships just don't align because of time - working mom = less time/crazy schedule.
So.... last week, we have this small group kick off. There were moments that were really hard for me. It was like being picked last for dodge ball or something. People would ask us questions and then would move to the next group and sign up. Or I would watch as friends and people I knew socialized and grew into groups right in front of my eyes. This glass wall was all around me.
Seriously, the silence was deafening in my head.
THEN, a few days later I got this e-mail.
Subject: "Sign up for the "Uninvited" Online Bible Study"
God - you are too good to me. The tag line was: Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely.
This had to be an e-mail only for me. No one else feels like this. Right? It was a joke? Facebook is covered in pictures of tight-knit neatly-woven friendships. I am the only one who feels left out (like pretty regularly), right?
Perfect. Timing.
As I looked into the book, I realized this was the perfect opportunity for me. I texted Jeremiah a few questions and quickly signed up online for the bible study and ordered the book.
I am not a reader of books (articles are my go to, infographics are superb). But it has taken a lot of strength for me to not open this book. I am waiting for the perfect moment. I want to soak up every word. I want to breath out every relief. I want to pause with every word that reminds me that I am loved.
The study starts September 6th. If you are interested in joining me; let me know. Sign up here. Because of my "problem" - I really do invite all women (and maybe even men, I can't say or judge) to look into this. My goal is to post thoughts fairly regularly here; so if you are hesitant or want a review, keep checking back.
There's a song by Matt Redman; "Never Once" - it popped into my head as I was writing this. Give it a listen. Or read the lyrics and let them resinate deep into your heart.
I am not alone. You are not alone.
You are invited by Him.
** Also, our small group minister was able to give us names of families and individuals that I look forward to grow with in community. This post was not about groups or them but about feeling left out.**
**I need to add that I did not right this post to hurt anyone. If you felt like growing up or even now we were good friends, we probably were or are. Don't hesitate to shoot me a message. **
**2017 now, looking back, God took us on an entirely different journey!**
6 years later... still uninvited... yup
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