I tried - Breastfeeding

So, the title of my blog is... a mom who tries.

There are thousands of books out there to tell you how to parent.  But there are very few books to help you go through the emotions of parenting.  

I tried breastfeeding.... twice actually.  And I destroyed God's greatest design ---> the bond - mothers and babes.

First time I tried was with Gideon.  He was our first sweet little itty bitty baby.  He came with the whole deal - good smells, little diapers, cute outfits, and lots of cries for food.   Even though it was challenging --> INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING <-- I was able to breastfeed him for three weeks.

I tried, I really did.   However, at 3 weeks he contracted RSV.  It was one of my many mommy fails.  I know exactly where the virus came from.  It was 100% my fault - and I made my baby sick.  

The last time I nursed Gideon he stopped breathing.   In tears I woke my husband up and told him what happened.   Prior to this we knew G wasn't feeling well... he just looked..... sick.   We went to the ER early that morning.   G vomited all over the bed we were on as we waited.  They almost sent us home, but a nurse then came and told us he had RSV and needed to be admitted.    That same day when doctors were making their rounds Dr. Dickerson made the suggestion to move us to another bigger hospital so he could be monitored.  So away we went in ambulance.   At this other hospital, an hour away,  G was not allowed to eat for 12 hours....

I TRIED PUMPING.    you know how difficult it is to nurse.  you know how difficult it is to pump.  you know how difficult it is to produce milk when you are more worried about your baby.   I tried.  But without fail I dried up faster than you could buy the formula.  The hospital was nice enough and were able to supplement with formula.

The first time I tried breastfeeding I wasn't as upset about having to use formula.  At the time it wasn't this big "mommy war" going on.  At the time I really only new people who were all using formula, except for two dear friends who were nursing rock-stars.  I thought it was the norm.   I remember thinking while all these friends used formula that I WAS THE STRANGE ONE for breastfeeding.

I felt alone.    I breastfeed in secret and modesty.  I didn't know or stand up for my rights.  People would come over to see G, and instead of seeing them I would take him to his room and close the door so he could eat.  I cried tears for being in pain (we talked to people).  I cried because I just had a baby.  I cried because I felt alone.  incredibly alone. I felt like a milking cow.    So when we went to formula, it was the norm.  I wasn't alone any more.  I was okay with it.

Fast forward 3 years and just recently we had our second son.  Soren.

Times have changed.  Mommy wars were up in arms (battles over everything).   I was "fighting" on the side for breastfeeding - knowing my past I still could relate to those using formula and knew that it was okay.  But, breast is best.    I was eager and looking forward to having Soren so I could do it "right" this time.    I was making plans going back to teaching in 6 weeks when August hits.  Trying to figure out how to pump in a building full of awkward children (I teach Jr. High) I was going to try this time and not fail.  

I failed.  

I failed me.  I failed my baby.  I failed the mommy wars.  but most importantly - I failed God.  

We went 5.5 days breastfeeding.  It was just all wrong.  I had to have a c-section with Soren for he was breech, big and placenta was in the way.  So things just weren't "normal" from the get go.    Breastfeeding at the hospital was great.  I heard praise from the nurses that he had a good latch.  It didn't hurt.  I was so excited - telling my mom and sister that I can't believe how much I enjoyed it this time around.  

We got home - breastfeeding became more difficult.  The first thing that started causing trouble was my hand/arm.  More so the right one than the left.  But it would go numb, tingle, hurt, swell, ache, and couldn't hold or do much of anything (I couldn't use a pen or cut up fruit with a knife... it was bad and scary).   I was having trouble with getting S to latch - it is difficult when you have one working hand.  I even had J try to help S latch and hold him while I pried open his lips (fish lips, not old man!).    It got harder.  Later I found out that C-section patients a lot of time have carpal like symptoms from the excess fluid.

I started to dread the next feeding.  I started finding reasons not to be around my baby.  A little postpartum depression, yes.  I started to find excuses to give Soren the pacifier just to buy me a little extra time.  

I was bleeding.  I was crying.  I was in pain from my swollen feet, surgery incision (19 staples), carpal tunnel like hand, bleeding breast.    Mentally - I couldn't take it.  Honestly, I don't know if my milk ever came in.

As a result Soren didn't have a dirty/wet diaper in 8 hours.  He didn't poop for a day (you know 3 wet, 3 dirty every day for the first week.... not him).  I was starving him without even really knowing it.  I wasn't feeding on demand.  I was demanding it stopped hurting before I fed.  

Finally my husband said maybe we should do formula (I had suggested it the day before, but stuck nursing out... again).

Tears flooded as we gave Soren his first bottle.  I am about to cry as I think about it now.  Again, I dried up without struggle. 

I tried... but in the end... I failed... God.  

I failed God's greatest design.  He designed this entire amazing universe without flaw.  He designed mommies to take care of babies inside of the womb for 9 months and then gave them the ability to nourish their babies after that.  Seriously, how cool is it that babies only need their mommies after life.  That's it... they need mommy.    

And even though through these mommy wars I was fighting for breasts.... I was becoming a secret alliance with formula mommas.  

I was a trator 

As we fed Soren the first bottle I couldn't help but repeat "I am sorry"  I let so many people down.  I broke God's great design and accidentally hurt our baby (God's other amazing creation).   Thankfully my husband is very helpful and supportive.   He told me every time I said sorry that I had nothing to be sorry for.  He thought it was best for our entire family.    

The next day we went to Soren's first dr. appointment.   He asked how things were going and after realizing that S wasn't back up to his birth weight and the story of my tragedy he confirmed and affirmed that we made the right decision switching to formula.     

I am a good mom..... I am feeding my baby formula

Last night I was talking to a little bit older mom (I think she is in her 40's).  She asked how I was doing and all the typical questions about how baby was doing.   Finally she asked "how do you feel about not being able to nurse?"  

It was nice to be asked straight up the tough question.   I almost cried (again) telling her that it hurt thinking I let everyone down but I am okay with it now.

We are doing ok.  Soren is eating and in a few days we find out how healthy he is.  I no longer want to avoid my baby.  My breast don't scream in agony.   My kid is eating!  And I know that God still loves me.  

So from a mom who tries.

I tried breast feeding... and I failed.   

Am I for breastfeeding - yes!  Am I for pumping - yes!  Am I for formula - yes!  

But please, next time you innocently judge another mom - remember that we shouldn't be at battle or war with each other.  We don't deserve to feel like failures by other people standards.  We are all doing our best.  

If you are a mom reading this.... believe me... YOU TOO, ARE A GREAT MOM!

And for fun here is big brother trying to feed little brother (under a watchful eye).  

Leave me a comment.  What is your story?