I tried - making it through the in between [Chapter 14]

Time heals all wounds.
There are worse things in life.
It can't be that bad.
Just keep living life.
Look for the good.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Chapter 14 - Moving Through the Desperate In-Between

Rejection.  It happens and far too often.  Sometimes it is perceived, made up, projected, forced, snatched, necessary, protection - but rejection happens.

So what do you do when you are just there.

In-between. 

In-between what happened to you and what happens next. 

In-between what happened in the past and what is the future.

In-between what happened with you and what can happen with your voice in the  choice. 

In-between, acknowledging that rejection happened but not being passed it. 

That place where you seem to just be asking on loop, "what do I do now?"

The in-between is not an easy place to be, I have been there.  I was there a few months after a bad break up.  I was there for several months while healing from a group shut-out.  I was there for a few years after my husbands and I's struggles.  No matter how long I was in the in-between, I always made it to the other side.  

If allowed

If accepted

the in-between can be the best part of the rejection.  This time is of crucial choice making.  The quicker we embrace the in-between the quicker we tend to heal. We should not run from rejection but embrace it; it has something to offer and empower us with.       

We have an enemy (see chapter 12) and he wants us to be in pain and suffering.  He wants us to feel the absence of healing.  If we wait around in the in-between he will slowly win the battles.  

Our views become more warped.
Our pride seeps in, getting in the way.
Our anger gets a tighter grip on us. 

Page 174 states: We think we are freeing ourselves from the pain when, in reality, what numbs us imprisons us.  If we avoid the hurt, the hurt creates a void in us.  It slowly kills the potential for our hearts to fully feel, fully connect, fully love again.  It allows the rejection of a person to steal the best potential from every other relationship we desperately want and need.  

I am not asking you to stop feeling pain; pain is a reminder that something is about to be transformed. 

When a butterfly morphs out of it's cocoon, do you think it needs extra strength, that it needs to struggle and push through until it's new beautiful wings are freed?

Rejection is the opportunity to change.  

The in-between is the highway to the change.  

Inviting God into our lives is the vehicle we use to travel the in-between.

We need God's closeness.  And the only way to get close to anything is by making a move.

Move - pray
Move - read scripture
Move - journal
Move - sit, process, be filled with peace

Move closer to God. 

Ask him to be your neighbor.
Ask him to be that comfort.
Ask him to give you more strength than you need.
Ask him.

As you are moving closer to God, HE is moving you closer to the other-side of the in-between.

"Never Once" by Matt Redman - listen here


*****

God,
Today, and odd day.  So many strong women in my life are needing prayer.  They have questions, they are over whelmed, they are sick physically, they are drained emotionally, and they need you.  You know their names, and you know their hearts even better.  Just be with them and let them be filled with your love and help them move to the other side of the in-between.

I tried - messes [Chapter 13]

Do you have children?  Have you been around children - almost any age will do?  Have you ever put down your electronic and watch them make the messes you so wish they wouldn't.   The smile in their eyes, the smile ON their face.

They.

Are.

Having.
Fun.

When did we loose that passion to enjoy everything around us?  When did we outgrow messes (not counting the messy bun - rock that as long as we can).  When did we stop having simple joy in our hearts?

I want to enjoy the messes again. 

Chapter 13 - Miracles in the Mess

Now, this chapter title alone caught my attention.  Messes.  Eww.  My OCD alarms are out of control.  How can we possibly enjoy messes, let alone find miracles in them?  I spend a majority of my time home sweeping and re-sweeping - for I missed a spot, or Gideon just came in from outside; bringing in all the dirt our backyard holds.  Or I will be playing with the boys and reminded them to pick up after themselves or  I now showing Soren (often) how to put the books back on the shelf when he's done "reading."

Kids like to make messes, but they are enjoying  life.  

When our focus is on the mess we might miss the miracle.  

As a teacher I want  application.  Here's some data, but what do we do with it.  I want to change things, be more efficient, find the best way to achieve our goals.  So when Lysa wrote, "Inspiration and information without personal application will never amount to transformation" on page 165 I was thrilled.    

"Resisting God's promises will make us forget God's presence." was one of my favorite lines from this chapter on page 166.  When we focus on the mess, the to-do list, the "sigh" moments, the times that we get upset over spilled milk (seriously, why do we cry when we can clean it up).  We are missing out on God and pushing him away.

The more that we pause, the more that we rest, the more that we look for those smiling moments is when we start to see God appear and intervene.

Information - Have I sought out God's truth regarding the situation

Application - Have I applied God's truth without compromise to the situation

Transformation - Do I now own this truth as a personal revelation from God to use in future situations like this. 

The next time your life seems to be a mess; like the pile of unfolded laundry screaming at you.  Sit, BE STILL, and take God's information, apply it, and be transformed by it.  

I tried - to fight the enemy [Chapter 12]

I am a fighter.  I am loyal to a fault. By nature, words are my choice weapon.  I was the child who would back-talk their parents.  I was the peer who was sly on what to say and when  to say.    My dad always thought I'd be a lawyer; I had so much passion, drive, I was quick witted and quick tempered. I was committed and would stand my ground, even if I knew I was wrong.  I would not back down.  I wanted to fight for the lack of justice in the my life and later in the world.

So, I became a teacher.

Chapter 12: The Enemy's Plan Against You

This chapter has been sprinkled throughout the book.  That when we accept rejection, perceived or snatched, we are a pawn in the Enemies plan or game.  When we fight with friends and loved ones, another piece of the kingdom is torn down.    When we allow for hurt to take up residence in our heart for far too long, the lack of the eviction notice makes the enemy smile.  

"The Devil is vicious but is not victorious."  Page 151

The enemy wants us to focus our needs, wants, and desires to be filled by worldly things.  If we are not being filled up by God's love, mercy, kindness, and grace we are being filled by worldliness.    The further we are from God the less our relationship with him can grow and the closer the enemy gets to winning.    

Crave:
The devil comes after us by wanting us to feel empty, he wants us to crave other physical pleasures, from sex to food to drugs to money and status.  If we are craving something other than  God, the enemy is after us.     JESUS PROMISES that we are filled by God.  He provides, protects and plans. 

Lust:
The devil wants us to feel deprived so that we will desire the world around us.  That through our fleshly desires we will be lacking rejection. Mark 8:36 states, what good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet lose his soul?  JESUS PROMISES that we can live sacred or secret lives.  If we are living secret lives, we are being ate alive from the inside.  

Boast:
The devil wants us to use tools from the world to make our rejections feel more like success.  It was interesting to see the different emotions people felt while on social-media.  JESUS PROMISES that when He is with us, we have nothing to fear.   He wants us to praise Him, to glorify Him, to honor Him.  

Testing God is what the enemy wants.  

Trusting God is what the kingdom needs. 

Are you a fighter?

What or who are you fighting for?

How do you start your day?
What has your focus most of the day?

I tried to fight the enemy, but  I am weak. 

Live loved so the enemy doesn't stand a chance.  

If you are in the middle of the battle - listen to Mandisa's "Overcomer" and remember how strong you are! If you need prayer, please ask.  

God - the enemy is strong.  The closer we get to you, the more we are going to feel pull from outside forces.  Be with those who are going through spiritual battles all over this globe.  You hold each of us in the palm of your hand.  Thank you for the gift you have given me; and please be with me that I can love others and build your kingdom here.  

 

I tried - to remember all 10 things [Chapter 11]

I wan't going to start out this blog with some wordy introduction or story.  But then I realized; let's get real.

This week was REAL.

It was real surprising
It was real inspiring
It was real tiring
It was real overwhelming
It was real crying
It was real laughing
It was real in teaching moments, mom moments, failure moments, even alone moments - but in a good way.

I was able to meet with a wonderful woman and talk about a future ministry opportunity that I was honored to be asked to help with.   Let the praying begin!  Then we got Max, an adorable PUPPY - he lasted 3 days - I had a huge melt down/anxiety attack.  I got to see joy in the faces of two of my students who have been working extremely hard.  I got to hug a student who asked me to pray for her grandpa.  I got to rejoice with a student who's little brother was just born.  I got to get "real" and break down some walls with some students. I got to read books with both of my boys.  I got to sing, play, and eat dinner with my kiddos' friends - listening to 4 and 5 year old conversations is, well, enlightening.   It's been a real week.  It's been a solid week of panic and peace, rejoice and rejection.

----->  Let's go <-----

Chapter 11: Ten Things You Must Remember When Rejected

Yes, 10 things. This chapter might be the most lengthy one.  After glancing over it, I literally wrote in my journal "let's go"   like this was something I need to attack.  But it was a quick read, with lots of things to remember; for real.  

"Together is a great way to press through something you're afraid could make you feel a bit undone." Page 127, although not one of Lysa TerKuerst reminders, it's a good reminder for me, and I think for you dear reader.  We are not doing this alone.  

When panic replaces peace is when we let our rejections consume us. 

1. One rejection is not a projection of future failures.   We must take God's promises and speak them into ourselves.  Replace the negative and turn it into a positive.    I am thankful for this reminder as I felt like a major failure to my children and rejected because I wasn't wonder woman and puppy trainer.   One must pick super-hero power; puppy patience was not it.  

2. Rejection doesn't label you, it enables you to adjust and move on.   This is a great reminder that I remember first hearing about a few years ago.  Where is your identity? If we look towards God to find who we are, rejection will not consume us.  Rejection is realistically a normal part of life; it's how we use it that determines our label.  

3. This could be an invitation to live in expectation of something else.  As I mention I live a pretty full life.  But it needs to be filled with God appointments.  These appointments can be by serving people, connecting and encouraging others, or just time alone to reflect and grow.   Being rejected an invitation to a party might be an attention grabber to expect something else.    We must wait and trust.  

4. There is usually some element of protection wrapped in every rejection.  This goes back to chapter nine; that we are not being set apart/outcast-ed but we are being set aside for something else/different.   God knows.  He knows.  He knows how to protect and provide for us.  So, let's let him do his job.  

5. It's good to ask the "what" questions but less helpful to ask "why."  "What" questions are allowing us opportunities to grow; while "why" questions are more about our own personal control.  The why questions allow for pride and insecurity to whisper subtle lies that we begin to believe.  

6. Don't hash, bash, or trash, on the internet.  Remember the internet never forgets.   People need to learn to heal privately, not with the rest of media.  This does not mean you have to be alone through whatever the situation is; you need to make sure to keep a few close friends that will be there for you no matter what and call you out when you are being a bit much.    What pains me is when I see people bashing, trashing other people and they claim to be Christians.  Remember, everyone is watching.  Let them see Jesus.

7. There's much more to you than the part was rejected.    Not much to add to this statement.  We are worth  more than a single moment in time.  Look at the big picture.    Just like in the second reminder - look to Jesus to find your identity and speak truth into yourself.

8. What one person sees you as a liability, another might see you as a wonderful asset.  We can do the same thing for two different groups of people; but its all about perception and how others view us.   If you are mature in how you use your God given gifts, then you will be placed in the role He created for you.  Just remember the difference between be conceited, confident, and clueless.  Your gifts can always be used for positive or negative.

9. This is a short term set back, not a permanent condition.    Pottery comes in two forms.  There is the fired, hard, very fragile.  Then there is the soft, can be molded, comforting.    Is this rejection going to linger around, continue to form cracks, and eventually break you?  Or are you going to be more like clay and allow us to be molded and grow from this opportunity?

10. Don't let this heart break destroy you.  Let this breaking actually be the making of you.  Let God use it in Good ways to make you stronger and take you further.     This goes along with number nine.  This rejection should not destroy and consume you.  God doesn't pull back, but he pulls you closer.   I would not be the person I am today if it was not the rejection, pain, suffering, and moments of total isolation that I have faced to make me stronger.

Lots of great reminders.  If you are like me, remembering all 10 of these things is a lot.  That's why this is titled "I tried to remember all 10 things" - for it's not easy.

Let's start with a foundation, umbrella of all of these.

Are you loved?  Yes.
Yes you are.  Remember that.

Listen to Matt Redman's "Your Grace Finds Me"..... sing....remember.... "So I'm breathing in Your grace, and breathing out Your praise, I'm breathing in Your grace, forever I'll be." 

I tried - not being threaten [Chapter 10]

If I told you that I have never been threatened by another female, I would be the biggest liar.  From coworkers, sister, even friends, to strangers, to past girlfriends my husband had, even the stranger at the gym, or the unknown name applying for the same position – we have all be threatened before.  

Chapter 10 – Her Success Does Not Threaten Mine

This might have been one of the better chapters for my hyper-competitive self.  It offered a lot of reflection.

When we reject ourselves we are minimizing God and maximizing our weakness and our weakest spot.  The enemy wants us to be torn apart, so we are weak.  The enemy wants us to fight against each other, making his job easy.  The enemy wants us to look at others in envy, and not build them up in praise.  

Our thoughts lead to our words, and even the most effective filter doesn’t catch everything.  Our words, thoughts, and actions are the best display of our soul and it’s purity or lack thereof.  

Let’s talk about pie.  Do you believe that the there is only one pie and if someone takes a slice, it is gone forever. It was TAKEN from you?  Or do you believe that you are sitting in a bakery where there is abundant amounts of pies; where like the Baker, God has plenty to give – more than enough for everyone.  His Love is abundant love – it can fill us up (you know, like good pie)!  

Once we switch from the one slice of pie mind-set to the sitting in a bakery mind-set; is when we can stop living in fear of others and we can start processing life out of abundant love. 

So how do we start living abundant lives?  We serve others pie.   If we know we live in a bakery with lots of pie, let’s serve it to others.  Oh what a happy place that would be.  Like Oprah on her episode of favorite things; Pie for you, Pie for you, Pie for me and you and you.   And can you imagine if we served pie without calories!  OH Glory to him.   

When we are serving others pie we are blessing them.     While praying and asking for help to bless and serve others we can ask God to:
1) To bless them.  (2 Corinthians 9:8)
2) To see them succeed (Philippians 2:4)
3) To remember that we are all on the same team (Luke 10:2)

When we serve others, bless them, rejoice in their success, and play for the same team is when we can stop living in fear, stop feeling threaten and truly help build the kingdom. 

"There is an abundant need in this world for your exact brand of beautiful."

God,
As I Pray for these women around the world reading this today.  I pray that we can all be humble and remember how beautiful we are.  That we do not have to be threaten in our looks, achievements, relationships; any status we put on ourselves should be one from God - we are loved, perfect and wonderfully made.  I ask that I can be a better server of your pie.  God, I personally ask for permission to be reminded to make myself less than  others.  God, you are so good, and I thank you for all that you have done.  

**Tunes to Play**  I need the every hour - Mormon tabernacle choir. 

I Tried – Receiving Rejection [Chapter 9]

I have had three life changing rejections, events, situations that truly altered the way that I am today.  From a past boyfriend, to a failing marriage, to a group of friends removing themselves from being around me.   One of the first things I would do was cry out “God, why me!?”  

Chapter 9 – Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much?  

When we are rejected, why is that we question God’s goodness?   Do we think we are so humble that we can request ideas and make suggestions to the almighty creator?  Like, really….who do we think we are? 

I found it really fascinating that on page 105 she talked about a study that showed that emotional pain is received by our brain as actual physical pain.   That when patients were given Tylenol the hurt from a broken heart was numbed. 

(A little off subject, but I am curious if this is why drugs are so “needed” by many; used to mask actual emotional/hurt…. Because without God, they miss the opportunity to receive from rejection)

Even in those deep moments when we start pleading with God and asking “why me?” and starting to really think that we just simply aren’t good enough, God is at work.   He is working his almighty plan even when we feel passed over. 

You aren’t set aside; you are set apart, page 108.     Once we humble ourselves (1 Peter 5:6) is when God can truly show us what he has been working on this entire time. 

Lysa states on page 110 that rejection offers gifts that God can work in our lives, if we allow it.  They are gifts of humility.

1) The GIFT of being made less.   Just stop, right there – I don’t care for less, unless we are talking about my current weight – than less is great.  Or maybe messes or poopy diapers.  But I really can’t stand feeling less than others, looked over, left out, less than.   BUT when we come humble to God and receive the gift of being made less, something wonderful happens……. Wait for it…… we receive him MORE.  Less of us = more of God.  Who doesn’t want more God?  By sitting on the bench during this game, called our life, allows God to make the correct play.  We can see what God has been working on.  

2) The GIFT of being lonely.  Now, honestly, even as an introvert there is lonely and then there is LONELYY.  I enjoy my alone time.   I get to sit, reflect, be still, go slow, and enjoy nature, and have time with God.  I look forward to being an "antique" one day so I can have more ‘self care’ time.  But when we are rejected, the last thing people want, even some introverts, is to be left alone.  We were made for community, to be around people, to serve, help and love people.   BUT when we come humble to God and receive the gift of being lonely we are able to recognize Jesus.  It’s like a mirror.  When we recognize and acknowledge our loneliness its like looking loneliness in the mirror, instead of seeing ourselves sad and broken, we can see Jesus and all his love and glory. 

3) The GIFT of silence. For us to LISTEN we have to be SILENT.    As humans we listen with the intent to speak.  We don’t really listen.  This is the gift that might be most commonly over looked.  Like at that birthday when you got clothes, although a necessity, a gift often over looked by kids - unless you don't have clothes.  BUT when we come humble to God and receive the gift of being silent is when we can hear God’s plan for us.  Hear God’s reminder “you are loved.”  “You are mine.”  "You are a necessity."

Do these gifts sound wonderful to receive?  We can only receive these gifts from rejection when we humble ourselves and we have to be humble through FORGIVENESS.  Page 115 makes an excellent point.

God made us For Giving
God made you For Giving
God made me For Giving

Being humbly rejected is the perfect opportunity to allow us to forgive one another; for we are forgiven.  Let us Rejoice in these gifts given by God. 

Rejection is not being set aside, but being set apart.  God has a plan, his plan includes protecting and loving us.  What if what we were wanting to happen was taken because God was stopping a burden from entering our lives? 

Looking back at my weakest moments, crying out to God “why me”  was me being a bratty kid at my birthday; I was not wanting to receive God’s gifts' those necessities.  I was not wanting to be set apart.   Through my three biggest rejections, I can now say, God had a greater plan and I am thankful for that.

The hurt from the boyfriend – God protected me, allowing me to grow.  I now have a story to be transparent about while connecting with other women in similar situations.  I was set aside, for bigger stories.  

The hurt from a failing marriage – was a plan for God to move our family into ministry.  Seven years ago we were trying to mend a marriage; now we are planning for my husband to graduate a Christian College and look for a full-time position in a church – we were set aside, not looked over.

The hurt from a group of friends – they were not only protecting themselves, but my heart had to be transplanted and shattered to allow God in and repair me.  I was not being replaced, I was being used in his great plan.

I tried receiving rejection – and even if it took time, even  if I wasn’t humble at first, God always had a great plan.

I think I should sit the bench more. 

I tried - finding perfection [Chapter 8]

As a teacher I have the privilege of working with 136 students every day.  Probably more if you count all the past students I encounter in the hallways, or students from other classes that need help, or the students who need some extra love and come see me two or even three times a day, just to say "hi."

As a teacher I have the honor to work with some of the best teachers I know; I even get to have our 15 minute lunch with some of them!

As a teacher we have to remember that every person is different.

As a teacher, there is no perfect.

Well, there are perfect storms.

Chapter 8 - The Corrective Experience 

Chapter 7 and 8 could have been written together.  But I believe that Lysa wanted to break it up, what could have been a lengthy chapter, into a before and after.  A cause and effect.  A then and now. An old and new.

She continues to tell the story about Abigail (1 Samuel 25) and how Abigail did "me too" right.

As a teacher  one of the best things I have learned wasn't something I learned in PLC or that I derived from looking at endless amounts of data; but I learned though observation.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone has gifts and areas which need improvement.

At the start of the chapter, on page 90, Lysa writes that different people cause difficult situations unless both parties determine to discuss them equally and fairly.

People are, well, people.
We make mistakes
We cause errors
We need forgiveness
We need grace.
People are, well, people.

"Relationships don't come in packages of perfection;
relationships come in packages of potential." 

The above is a great quote. Because,

People are, well, people.
We can say sorry for our mistakes.
We can fix errors
We can ask for forgiveness
We can give grace
People will always be people.

What do you do when  you realize you are  working with people.  What do I do when working with over hundreds of students and teachers every day? What do I do when I see somebody's child more than I see my own?

We have to share stories.  We have to relate.  We have to be a people.

Lysa talks about "Me too" and how powerful that statement can be.  Abigail used it in chapter 25 of Samuel when she talks to the king.    "Me too" is different than "you should" (defensive) and  "you could" (preachy/teachy).  By saying "met too" lets the PEOPLE around you know that you are  a PEOPLE too.

Now, there is a difference between acknowledging the person and their story without having to join them.  You can identify with their hurt, have empathy, without having to agree with them or their situation.
Do you have that friend, that co-worker, maybe even that student, who sometimes talks to talk, or sometimes seems "dramatic" - have you really LISTENED?  Through all of those sad songs there is truth, there is their story.  They are not wanting a pitty party (unless they are totally narcissistic); they are wanting to be acknowledged, they want someone to say "me too" and to feel invited back into the human race.

Do you want to be heard?
Do you want to be accepted?
Do you want to be invited?
Do you want to be loved?

We all do!

Because we are all people, and well, we live in a not-so-perfect world.

But what if you are not the one doing the listening and the one doing the talking?

It really struck me, the over achiever, type-A, wonder woman, ISTJ, do it because it has to be done person -----> "No amount of outside achievements fixes inside hurt" page 98

WAIT.  Are you telling me, that no matter what I DO, I CAN'T FIX ME??

No, you don't have to!  That's the beauty.  We can be broken, but we are loved.  We can be unwanted, but we are needed.  We can be poor, but we are rich.  We can be lonely, but be full.

We have to allow God to heal our unwanted-ness, our brokenness, our loneliness to be able to move forward.  It's not by works, but by faith.

Is it true that God made people in his image?
Is it true that God is good?
Is it true that all people, whom are made in the image of God, are good?

If you answered yes, then you have to include yourself.

When we speak to people we have to speak to them as the children of God that they are.  We can not speak OR listen to people based off of their actions.  

Because,
People are, well, people.

So, as you go throughout your day, are you part of the problem or are you part of the solution?  You have to make a point to make progress.
We don't live in a perfect little world with perfect relationships. We live in a world full of potential. 

I tried finding perfection.  I tried creating my own false reality, my own perfect  world.  And  as a people, I failed.  But when I remember who is really in charge.  My imperfect world started to be the most perfect fit to the brokenness.

You are loved.
Live like it. =]


***For those of you who need some new tunes, check out what's been playing in my head:

Forever by Chris Tomlin
Lose My Soul by TobyMac