I. Miss. My. Students.

I miss MY students.
      My Kids.

I miss their laughter.
      Their smiles.

I miss their goofy questions.
       The serious ones too.

I miss their sarcasm and wit;
       Keeping the banter up.

I miss the moments they ask to talk to me.
       I miss listening.

I miss the 'lightbulb' moments, when it clicks and come together.
     I miss watching them try.

I miss the 'good morning Jones!'
     Seeing their excitement for the day.

I miss conversations about life;
      I miss their chess games, tik toks, guitar strings, books and drawings
      I miss hearing about track, FFA, graduation, dances, sports, pets, friends and family.

I miss encouraging a new generation,
     I miss their surprises.

I miss the path I was created for,
     I miss the reassurance.

I miss my coworkers, who are turning into friends.
      I miss friends.

I even miss....
      The absent parents
      The tough phone calls
      The non-motivated kid
      The kid asleep in class
      The cellphone being placed on my desk.... again
      The talks about not punching walls
      The conversations on proper hygiene
      The concerned counselor chats
      The student asking for a snack, for they are hungry
      The student out in the hall waiting for me.... because that's the safest place

I miss it all.
     I miss my kids.

I miss the good and the bad.
     I miss my kids.

Empty Classrooms = Empty Hearts

Covid Logic - Apology Letter

Watch this video, please.  It's Pink and Ellen <3

It's almost a year old, but it really spoke to me.  Is it odd to say that a day time talk show spoke to me. But it did.

I feet like Pink - wanting to fight injustice (not just now, but pretty much always).  I couldn't agree more with Pink - there is a kind way to correct people and educate people!

Honestly, I am tired of Covid complainers. Now, you might be thinking... wow, who's calling someone a complainer when you just wrote a whole blog post about all the crazy in your life.  I do believe there is a difference between sharing worry and concerns and just wanting to complain. I think the difference between the two is the end result. Someone who worries or is concern is looking for answers and wants to be part of the solution. A complainer, could care less and typically adds to the problem. <------ all my opinion.

**Covid Logic From No One Special.... that's me**

One of my biggest triggers recently is the people sharing misinformation, or misinterpreting data.  As a math teacher, you can shift numbers and graphs to make them tell "your side" of the story and it drives me crazy when people do that (I also don't like lying, and misguiding someone feels like a lie).

People who don't think this is a big deal because there are more deaths by _______________ .
People who don't think this is a big deal because they have had _____________________ already.
People who don't think this is a big deal because _______________________ tells them it's not.
People who don't think this is a big deal because the death rate is only _________________ .

Here's the deal. There are lots of sides to this crisis. But, in the end, do you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution.

Even if there was 1% of deaths. Is that not enough to break your heart? Look at your neighborhood. Let's say on average 4 people live in a home. In your neighborhood, every 25th house has a dead person in it.

Average joe logic - yeah, staying at home is working!

People complain that the virus is only effecting a fraction of the population.

Average joe logic - yeah, staying at home is working!

Here's my personal logic. No data or numbers... just me thinking.

If we don't take shelter/lock down seriously, more people will contract the virus. As more people contract the virus more people will die. Why? Because hospitals only have so much space. Doctors and nurses only have so much time to serve. Equipment can only help so many.

When I last checked the US lost 14,000 of the 427,000 cases... which is roughly a 97% survival.... that's still 14,000 funerals.  JUST IN THE UNITED STATES. That's 14,000 families hurting and grieving. That's 14,000 people who can no longer provide or care for their family.

I understand that a lot of people die from car accidents, cancer, or abortion. Those deaths are also heart breaking. And yes, this (quarantine) sucks...and it's hard and it's frustrating and it's scary at times. But, I don't know about you.... I want to be part of the solution, not the problem.

This isn't political. This is about people. Stay home.

** Quick Apology Letter **

In the video I liked how Pink said she goes in on people to fight justice, when she has time. I keep seeing post from people about covid that are not helpful or hopeful in any light. I want to go in on them.  But I am learning not to.

I apologize if, in my moment to educate, I have not been kind. Typically my 'style of education' is not for you to believe 'my side' but for you to see the world through a different perspective. To understand that sometimes no one is right.

I am sorry if you have been hurt, not my intentions. I love talking to people, not just to challenge them, but to be challenged myself, so if you are ever wanting to strike up a conversation, don't hesitate to ask.

You are loved!

Covid 19 Brain Spirals

I just told a friend that I tend to spiral when I don't have answers.  My mind will just go and go and can't stop as it is looking for facts, evidence, solutions. I have so many spirals going on right now as new information is constantly being presented and my once normal is now again out of balance. I am pretty confident a tornado would look at me and say "nope, you be crazy."

For COVID 19, here are my 19 spirals that my brain consistently is processing through out each and every day....and some of my own personal conclusions. 

Spiral 1: Am I a mean mom? My brain can not stop this spiral. Although it is one I regularly reflect and think about. Now more than ever, it is in my face, how much yelling I do as I spend 24 hours a day with these creatures. My biggest fear...they won't survive this quarantine with all of their brainless activities.  Example... our 4 year old looking for a new family.... down the road... on his own.  Or, how about our 8 year old going down the zip line... with a spike!  New rule, only ONE BODY on the zip line at a time.  Keeping kids alive is challenging, and now they are stuck at home..... but.... I am not a mean mom. (and my kids are precious, hilarious, creative, sweet and wild humans who are going to learn and be academically ready for the next year).

Spiral 2: Am I a terrible wife? In case you were wondering, one can be kicked out of their own home during shelter in place. They don't have anywhere fun to go; but a spouse who is "asked" to leave can drive around for a bit to cool off.  Prior to this whole pandemic, my husband was gone Thursday through Sunday for work. Can you imagine the shift that must take place in our home as we both reside in it....E V E R Y D A Y  together... regardless.... I am not a terrible wife. (nor is he a bad husband).

Spiral 3: Am I a bad teacher? When I was allowed to go to work I knew and had confidence in my teaching ability. I was excited to share knowledge and watch my high school students turn light bulbs on. But now, it is hard to connect with them. It's a challenge to stop thinking about ... can I do more? How? I do my best and put these kiddos first as if they were my own.... I am not a bad teacher.

Spiral 4: Am I glorifying God? Did I read my Bible enough? Pray for all the people I can think of? Am I participating in church functions as I should? Last week, as I was crying, my oldest gave me a hug, and told me "God is with your wherever you go. Joshua 1:9".  He didn't understand the irony of what he was saying....being the fact that we aren't going anywhere..... my children are learning.... I am glorifying God. (even if it's just "God, please help me!")

Spiral 5: Will my sister be safe? My sister is a doctor. Whether she knows it or not, I am constantly worried about her safety in these conditions. It "plagues" my mind; as she is the mom to three amazing little kiddos. The thought of her being at risk shatters my heart. This spiral, if started, usually ends in tears...... my sister is wise and is using every precaution.... she is safe. She is strong!

Spiral 6: What's for dinner? What's for lunch? Wait... what did we have for breakfast? Having to remember to feed our family, every day, for every meal.... is a major spiral. Or can be. Now, before this whole lock down business, I had the menu planning on lock down, but we had freedom to change it up or pick up last minute items on our way home from work. All I know is that I am so incredibly grateful for the meals provided by our boys' school. Going to pick them up provides routine and a much needed break in our day, plus a fun little trip down the road. This spiral usually doesn't get too far when my husband and I pick out what's for dinner in the morning. A plan is set in place. 

Spiral 7: Am I getting fat? So there is a joke about gaining the Covid 15 (a play off of the freshmen 15) and I am not laughing. Try on your jeans they say..... amazon search jeans.... I have always struggled with my weight, size and being content with my own image. But it seems to be magnified (like my waist) during these uncertain times. I can't run with my sister anymore.... I am at home where the boys like to ask for snacks... whats a small nibble? (hint: it's no longer a nibble when you eat two serving sizes while preparing their food).  The good news..... this spiral is coming to a halt. I am continuing to run (sadly without my sister) and I am in the process to reshape my mindset, hopefully helping me reshape my body.  Although I gained a few pounds in March when this all started, I have been steady. So... no, I am not getting fat! (honestly, who cares!)

Spiral 8: Do I have homework? In January I started my online graduate program! It was manageable with my husband traveling. However, I have discovered I do not like doing homework when he is home. I am constantly having to think about what assignments I need to do or edit, which chapter in our text I need to read, or have I posted to the proper discussion board. Yes, I do have homework. 

Spiral 9: Am I going crazy? My mental health is in a very strange place. I am typically not an emotional person. I've cried like 6 times this week.... okay.... yesterday. I cried like 6 times yesterday. I am trying to get off of this roller coaster. It's odd. At night, it feels almost normal. Spending time with the family, going to bed. And in the morning, there is a brief second that all feels like the world is still spinning correctly. The only thing spinning, my overwhelming desire to be perfect in all of this....which... is not possible. I am not going crazy, but keeping my mental and emotional  health in check is highly recommended.

Spiral 10: When did I shower last? During this social distancing I thought it would a be terrific time to do a social experiment: how long can one go without showering before their children think they smell funnier than them? The answer is 4.  I will let you decided what the 4 represents.... it's also up to you to figure out how much sarcasm is in that statement.  Keeping track of when to shower, if it is necessary for the day, do I have clean underwear... it is a fun mental spiral .... if you can't remember the last time you showered, you probably should. 

Spiral 11: Zoom! Not going to lie. I am going to declare that "Zoom" becomes a grown up word in our house. In the last two weeks I believe we have zoomed a total of 11 times NOT including my husbands meetings and instruction lessons. So we are probably looking at around 30 - 40 something different zoom sessions we have participated in. The answer to my spiral... write them down, set an alarm... and hope for the best.

Spiral 12: Who did __________________ last? Dishes, vacuum, sweep, laundry, cook, wipe down tables, pick up toys, mow the yard, get the mail, take out the trash, feed and water the dog, pay the bills, check the plants........all day long. I am not going to lie, a friend sent me some pictures of her home.... it made me feel better about mine. The benefit of having a "smaller" home and the fact that we live a more minimalist lifestyle, we have less mess. What I am starting to realize, we live here. It's okay if it looks like it. (ps... we don't own a dishwasher if that somehow makes you feel better)

Spiral 14: Am I in the wrong to be upset with people's ignorance and selfishness? There are some pretty far fetched conspiracies going around right now, or being stirred up more. I don't know what's worse, the conspiracies and ignorance or the political bullying and badgering during this time in which we need to be more united? It's sickening how much time I have wasted reading misleading information. Nope, it's okay for me to be upset, it's what I do with my frustration that is key. Learning not to chase rabbits on social media (stop trying to prove everyone wrong) has vastly increased my joy. People will believe what they want, no matter how crazy, mean, or inaccurate it is. I can't control that. I can only control my perception and I want to choose joy. I need to choose joy. 

Spiral 15: Am I doing this right? You know all of those projects I wanted to do.... start a garden..... plant more indoor plants.... paint the shed.... stain the deck.... Or, how about all the books I am going to get to read?! I have to stop my brain from thinking about all these things and truly refocus the spiral into something more productive. It's okay if not everything gets done while I manage the other spirals in my life. Yes, I am doing this right. 

Spiral 16: Am I going to be able to make Easter memorable? Just. Sit. Down. Stop. Thinking. Seriously, why do I let my brain going into these tizzies. Here's the fact... this whole event... will make this Easter memorable, I don't have to do anything, it's done for me!

Spiral 17: Am I writing enough letters, making enough phone calls, marco polos, texts? I want to take care of people. When I start thinking of too many people that I want to communicate or connect with I will just start writing their names down and in my free time reach out to them. If you are reading this (and personally know me) and I have not contacted you, I am sorry. With around 140 students in addition to family, it's a lot to take care of. I have tried writing cards, sending encouraging messages on Instagram, making goodies for neighbors, all of it. I am doing enough.

Spiral 18: Do people think or care about me as much as I think and care about them? This is when my brain spirals in reverse of the above..... who I take care of becomes who is taking care of me? This spiral might be the most dangerous! It is something I think about a lot. See.... I have trust issues. I have abandonment issues. I have friendship or maintaining relationship issues. I have control issues. I have fear of missing out issues. I am always looking for a deep connection; yet, I tend to drown people when I try to take them too deep. I question why my "friends" on facebook don't like a picture or video... yet comment on someone else's stuff.... it's a dangerous spiral that number 18.  First, if you have read this entire blog. Thank you, please let me know by leaving me a comment. Maybe this post was too long, so you scrolled to the bottom and read this part, but you've read my blog before... cool and thanks! If I have recently told you how much you mean to me, know that I truly have thought it. A LOT. Thank you for loving me, reaching out to me, not giving up on me. I know who you are and I hope you know who you are too. 

Spiral 19: I don't know if you actual read this or caught this intentional mistake ... but I only made 18 brain spirals. Well...if you count thinking about one less spiral as a brain spiral of it's self. (Anyone else tired of the "math problems" with pictures). This virus doesn't deserve the best of me. It doesn't deserve all of my mental energy and time.

Let me know what your brain spirals are. How are you dealing with challenging times?

Be safe. Live loved.

Interview with boys

I wrote these in my journal. I treasure words and hope that one day my boys will treasure them (theirs) as well.

1. If you won a million dollars, what would you buy?
S - water container for my fireman costume
G - Books... okay, pokemon cards

2. How long does it take to get to Canada?
S - 1000 days
G - 10 hours.  Wait, I want to change that to 84 days.

3. What does I always say to you?
S - (continues to play and ignores me)
G - Don't be a space invader. I love you!

4. What job do you want to have when you grow up?
S - smoke jumper! and when I get home I want to be a ninja dad.
G - guy who works on computers or hacker..... what's a hacker?

5. What is the capitol of America?
S - (blank stares and back to playing)
G - the letter "A"... right, America starts with A?   (we then talked about what a capitol is)

6. Where do babies come from?
S - Baby Corp.
G - Their momma's womb

7. At what age are you considered an adult?
S - umm, 5
G - 23, I guess?

8.  If you could change one family rule, what would it be?
S - I don't have you, I love you.....
G - Watching TV time, where I could watch all day.

9. If you could have a super hero power what would it be?
S - spider webs, because I'm spiderman (in a very matter of fact tone)
G - That I could be IN video games to actually play them (I think like that one movie)

10. How would you save the planet?
S - I would take bad guys to the police station.
G - I would create a force field around the earth to stop asteroids.

11. If you could eat only one thing forever, what would it be?
S - aliens
G - my favorite sandwhich

12. How much money does it take to buy a house?
S - a lot of money
G - $100.29

13. Why should we be nice to each other?
S - So God doesn't send us to hell (that's deep theology for a 4 year old)
G - so we can get along.

14. What does "love" mean?
S - peace
G - compassion

15. What are you scared of?
S - darkness, monsters, and shadows.
G - wasps

16. What or who is important to you?
S - mom and dad
G - people, the whole world

17. what makes mommy happy?
S - going away (that hurt kid!)
G - Sore and I getting along.

18. What makes mommy sad?
S - when I don't listen and obey
G - me hurting Soren

19. Who is your best friend?
S - Shawna (his old imaginary friend that he knows is not real), which means Gideon because I sometimes call Gideon Shawna. and Rheagan!
G - (start naming names, ask if you want to know if you are on his friend list)

20. Where would you go if you could travel anywhere?
S - Alabama (we visited over Christmas break and he's obsessed with it).
G - same

21. How does mommy bother you?
S - spanking our butts, that BOTHERS me!
G - when you mock me

22. What's your favorite color?
S - green
G - red and blue

23. If you could call anyone, who would you call?
S - police officers, mom and dad, fire fighters (I don't think he understands a phone call)
G - mom and dad for help with math...

24. What's the number of the universe?
S - we don't know, we just don't
G - infinity (draws the symbol)

25. What is the best thing of quarantine?
S - going to dollar tree (we went one time! it's his favorite store)
G - reading and playing a lot!