Current Tunes: Yellowcard via spotify
Mood: reflective
This topic has been something that has plagued my mind for several months; since we moved 'home'. As I processed the words in my head, I decided it would be best to write a letter. I like letters.
Dear friends and family,
First, I want to thank you. Thank you for reading this, supporting me in all that I do. Thank you for letting me cry, curse, and question in the safety of your homes and hearts. Thank you for asking me tough questions and extending grace when my response would be less than adequate. Thank you for your patience and diligence in loving me.
I keep a joy journal and I often find myself writing down events or times spent with you. Be it getting coffee, eating dinner, playing games, shopping or just a good heart-felt phone call. I needed those moments. Again, thank you.
I want to apologize for my lack of presence. When I get overwhelmed or anxious, as many of you do, I shut down. I have to re{FOCUS} on what is important and true. Then, without trying, time passes by too quickly and I feel as if my service is no longer needed.
Please hear me when I say that I think of you often and wish I had more time to do what is on my heart and what crosses my mind frequently.
For those that I didn't bring a meal to - I am sorry.
For those that I want to clean your house, but haven't - I am sorry.
For those that I have to reschedule play dates over and over again - I am sorry.
For those of you that I have replied to your text... a week late - I am sorry.
For those of you that I have not written a letter to in a while - I am sorry.
For those of you that I want to have over for dinner, but schedules (or the stars) have not aligned in our favor - I am sorry.
Please do not think you are unloved or unworthy. You are very loved and very worthy! As many of you working parents know, balance is hard. Cleaning, cooking, caring of children, assignments (yours and your children), job requirements, extra activities.... it all adds up. It's a spinning plates act.
I want to do more. I do.
Please, keep asking to come over, for meals, to go shopping or get coffee. Don't be afraid to ask me to cook you something, clean your house, or watch your kids - I like that too and will do those. Ask me to pray for you, I will and with joy. Don't give up on me. I see you.
And if all else fails - there is always summer.
Summer = service.
Until summer, I will do the best that I can, but I am sorry if I miss an opportunity to serve and love you better.
Thank you for your understanding,
Megan
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Thursday, May 23, 2019
I tried to be better but got lost.
I had the goal that I was going to write more this new year. Yet, it's May 23 and I have not posted since the start.
I write best for me when I am passionate and honest about something (even if it's just my life). However, for several months I felt like a fake... unsure of life. I have some major trust issues. So, I couldn't write. Nothing made sense to write about. Where do I start with the pain? How do I address the confusion? How do I explain that when moving last year I lost myself but also gained a new sense of who I am.
It's been a crazy few days... well weeks.. I guess months.
My family and I are relocating back to what we call home. Our boys are thrilled. I am thrilled and nervous (more to come) - but thankful the process of settling is almost over.
Here was our crazy itenary. Have you been there.... where you look back and you are like... .we survived.
Wednesday 5/15 we (okay my husband and a friend) packed the uhaul truck and I packed vans after work and we stayed at a friends house.
Thursday 5/16 after work I drove to meet my family and start to unpack our house.
Friday 5/17 in the afternoon my husband and I drove 3.5 hours away for his Master's graduation party at his professor's house (so lovely).
Saturday 5/18 Jeremiah graduates with his Masters in Entrepreneurial and Innovation degree...with....honors! I couldn't be more proud and yet feel so terribly by the fact that we did not celebrate more. We drove the 4 hours back home, picked up our boys, and we went to two birthday parties!
Sunday 5/19 we go to church, unpack some more and I leave to drive 2 hours back to where we were located to finish teaching.
Monday 5/20 school day went well. I am house sitting all by myself and the tornado sirens go off. I have no TV and clueless to what is happening. I eventually get some rest.
Tuesday 5/21 the tornado sirens go off again at 6 in the morning, I sleep for an hour in the bathroom floor and get a call that our school has been delayed by an hour due to the weather. That night we get a call not to worry about the river, that all will be find.
Wednesday 5/22 in the middle of the day we get an email that our school is out 2 days early due to flood waters. Kids start going crazy (even though they have 2 hours of school left). The fire alarm was pulled at least 15 times by students and their reckless choices. I get to the house I am staying at and start walking the dog when the sirens go off again. After about 3 hours of sirens going on and off, bits and pieces of time in the bathroom reading to Roland (the sweet doggie) I start getting news that tornadoes are happening close to where my family has relocated and that one touched down about 1/4 mile from our house.
Thursday 5/23 I find out that all of my friends, family and prior students are safe throughout the two states and some loved ones do have damage to their houses. Go to our school meeting and discover that I have to continue to fulfill my contract and remain at school today, tomorrow and come back on Tuesday after memorial day. Currently the flood alarms near the school are sounding as they have been closing roads as they flood.
That's my week guys. I was going to find R.E.S.T this week. Nope.
So here I am. My family and I in another transition, 2 hours apart in crazy weather, and I finally feel like I can be honest in my words again.
I haven't been on facebook in a while. What started out as a lent activity turned into more. I began to not miss it. I deleted the app from my phone and would spend maybe 10 minutes a day on my lunch checking for any important dates and events. I also enjoyed the memories (my kids are getting too big too fast). But in the end.. what's the point of it?
While I have been away from facebook I have discovered who is intentional with me. Who checks in on me and sees how I am doing (for you friends, I am thankful). I am thankful for the family that helped us pack and unpack - you are amazing and I love you all for that (and mowing our yard!!).
But as I was away from facebook I was also able to realize how nice it was not to have to 'fake' being me anymore. I felt like a liar when I didn't/couldn't tell people the reality of us moving. I hated when people would tell me that they were excited that we were moving back but never checked on us, probably will never read this, and were not there for a difficult and challenging year. I didn't feel authentic to those around me as I knew this wasn't permanent and just wanted to make the best of it.
Maybe once a month I will post pictures of the kidds (for those boys are too darn cute). Maybe I still start blogging more about my own life and not just "hot topics". Maybe I will find myself enjoying life too much and just dump all technology! Just stop by my house to come say hi. Who knows.
To be honest, I am scared for the next chapter. I accepted a teaching position back in March for highschool!! I have always taught (and enjoyed) middle school and excited for the newness that comes with this position. But need to find rest first this summer.
I want to choose joy - honestly. I want to face this emptiness that has been in me for a while and replace with overflowing love and desire for everything I encounter.
I want to be real and authentic and intentional with my people, and thankful for those who do the same.
This next chapter is what we were led to do, and it was difficult leaving the first time, but we know it was necessary and good all the same.
So even though I wasn't able to say goodbye (officially) to my students this year among the chaos, I hope they know how much they are loved.
Okay... I am rambling.... I have lost my skill to process.
Maybe it's the flood sirens ringing....
Maybe it's my mind swinging...
I think it might be time to go walk Roland again.
I write best for me when I am passionate and honest about something (even if it's just my life). However, for several months I felt like a fake... unsure of life. I have some major trust issues. So, I couldn't write. Nothing made sense to write about. Where do I start with the pain? How do I address the confusion? How do I explain that when moving last year I lost myself but also gained a new sense of who I am.
It's been a crazy few days... well weeks.. I guess months.
My family and I are relocating back to what we call home. Our boys are thrilled. I am thrilled and nervous (more to come) - but thankful the process of settling is almost over.
Here was our crazy itenary. Have you been there.... where you look back and you are like... .we survived.
Wednesday 5/15 we (okay my husband and a friend) packed the uhaul truck and I packed vans after work and we stayed at a friends house.
Thursday 5/16 after work I drove to meet my family and start to unpack our house.
Friday 5/17 in the afternoon my husband and I drove 3.5 hours away for his Master's graduation party at his professor's house (so lovely).
Saturday 5/18 Jeremiah graduates with his Masters in Entrepreneurial and Innovation degree...with....honors! I couldn't be more proud and yet feel so terribly by the fact that we did not celebrate more. We drove the 4 hours back home, picked up our boys, and we went to two birthday parties!
Sunday 5/19 we go to church, unpack some more and I leave to drive 2 hours back to where we were located to finish teaching.
Monday 5/20 school day went well. I am house sitting all by myself and the tornado sirens go off. I have no TV and clueless to what is happening. I eventually get some rest.
Tuesday 5/21 the tornado sirens go off again at 6 in the morning, I sleep for an hour in the bathroom floor and get a call that our school has been delayed by an hour due to the weather. That night we get a call not to worry about the river, that all will be find.
Wednesday 5/22 in the middle of the day we get an email that our school is out 2 days early due to flood waters. Kids start going crazy (even though they have 2 hours of school left). The fire alarm was pulled at least 15 times by students and their reckless choices. I get to the house I am staying at and start walking the dog when the sirens go off again. After about 3 hours of sirens going on and off, bits and pieces of time in the bathroom reading to Roland (the sweet doggie) I start getting news that tornadoes are happening close to where my family has relocated and that one touched down about 1/4 mile from our house.
Thursday 5/23 I find out that all of my friends, family and prior students are safe throughout the two states and some loved ones do have damage to their houses. Go to our school meeting and discover that I have to continue to fulfill my contract and remain at school today, tomorrow and come back on Tuesday after memorial day. Currently the flood alarms near the school are sounding as they have been closing roads as they flood.
That's my week guys. I was going to find R.E.S.T this week. Nope.
So here I am. My family and I in another transition, 2 hours apart in crazy weather, and I finally feel like I can be honest in my words again.
I haven't been on facebook in a while. What started out as a lent activity turned into more. I began to not miss it. I deleted the app from my phone and would spend maybe 10 minutes a day on my lunch checking for any important dates and events. I also enjoyed the memories (my kids are getting too big too fast). But in the end.. what's the point of it?
While I have been away from facebook I have discovered who is intentional with me. Who checks in on me and sees how I am doing (for you friends, I am thankful). I am thankful for the family that helped us pack and unpack - you are amazing and I love you all for that (and mowing our yard!!).
But as I was away from facebook I was also able to realize how nice it was not to have to 'fake' being me anymore. I felt like a liar when I didn't/couldn't tell people the reality of us moving. I hated when people would tell me that they were excited that we were moving back but never checked on us, probably will never read this, and were not there for a difficult and challenging year. I didn't feel authentic to those around me as I knew this wasn't permanent and just wanted to make the best of it.
Maybe once a month I will post pictures of the kidds (for those boys are too darn cute). Maybe I still start blogging more about my own life and not just "hot topics". Maybe I will find myself enjoying life too much and just dump all technology! Just stop by my house to come say hi. Who knows.
To be honest, I am scared for the next chapter. I accepted a teaching position back in March for highschool!! I have always taught (and enjoyed) middle school and excited for the newness that comes with this position. But need to find rest first this summer.
I want to choose joy - honestly. I want to face this emptiness that has been in me for a while and replace with overflowing love and desire for everything I encounter.
I want to be real and authentic and intentional with my people, and thankful for those who do the same.
This next chapter is what we were led to do, and it was difficult leaving the first time, but we know it was necessary and good all the same.
So even though I wasn't able to say goodbye (officially) to my students this year among the chaos, I hope they know how much they are loved.
Okay... I am rambling.... I have lost my skill to process.
Maybe it's the flood sirens ringing....
Maybe it's my mind swinging...
I think it might be time to go walk Roland again.
Sunday, January 27, 2019
I tried to {FOCUS} on ONE
Current tunes: Hold it Down by Moosh and Twist
I am a one. Yup, numero uno.(Correction, I think I am a one.... I am currently reading The Road Back To You... and I might actually not be a 1)
In all seriousness, according to the Enneagram, I am a 1 wing 2. A '1' is the "reformer" but with a wing of '2' I become the "advocate"....
My husband has been studying the Enneagram for almost a year now for his master's program. Then months later it started to become part of conversations with peers and friends.. the bandwagon... maybe...
However, I enjoy learning more about who I am and what makes me 'tick' - if I better understand my self then maybe, just maybe, I can help others to better understand me too.
Some quotes (and trigger words) that I couldn't stop nodding yes to:
"They are teacher, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake."
"They typically have problems with resentment and impatience."
"...triggering Ones' abandonment issues - and more anger and criticism."
"They strive after "higher values," even at the cost of great personal sacrifice."
"....they also typically feel that they have to justify their actions to themselves..."
"They are people of instinct and passion who use convictions and judgements to control and direct themselves and their actions."
"(level 9, the lowest of 'healthy') severe depression"
"It is easy for you to work yourself up into a lather about the wrongdoings of others."
"...do not expect others to change immediately...."
"They will try to solve problems in the relationship by discussing the issues involved since neither likes emotionally charged bickering or unresolved issues."
I probably should have just said... Hey, go read this.. and this... and the whole blog/book about it.
For once, I feel like someone might truly understand me. It's weird. They are in my head.
Sleeping At Last created songs for each of the 9 Enneagram types. I encourage you (as the teacher type) to start learning about yourself for the new year, dive deep. Take your time. Soak up the words. Open your heart, even just a crack. Or at least check out Sleeping At Last.
I think 2019 will be a great year of discovering more about this. I am INTJ women (and this one is good too..oh, and this ... last one by a different writer). So now, to learn more about OneWingTwo ♥
Now, not to get ahead of myself; but maybe my word for 2020 (eww, that date is weird) should be GRACE. Apparently it is what Ones need to FOCUS on =]
Drop a comment: do you like learning about yourself? Do you find assessments helpful or restricting?
Saturday, January 26, 2019
I tried to {FOCUS} on PRO LIFE....
Pro Life:
the (counter)argument from a Jesus follower
First, some background information. I am an INTJ. I enjoy facts, deep conversation, growth and development. I have also recently discovered that I am a OneWingTwo which classifies me as advocate. I am a teacher, a mother, a Jesus follower. And I am passionate.
Second, I am going to do my best to shine light (from multiple angles... and articles) onto an issue or topic that has been plaguing my mind for a while. Although it would make my life easier if everyone agreed with me, that's not my intentions with this post. Through verbal processing and challenging conversations I am able to grow. My intentions are to ask questions to get those around me to think. Not like me. But think about what they truly believe.
****
For months I have been stewing over a couple of current events; they mainly fall under the word 'prolife'. I have had friends and peers discuss the repercussions of getting vaccines in lieu of supporting abortions. New York rejoiced as they legalized abortion. The government shutting down, sacrificing benefits to those in need. Immigration and discussion of a wall being built to ensure our countries safety. How do you identify yourself?
Pro-life
Pro-birth
Anti-abortion
Human rights advocate
Neutral
Pro-choice
These titles are sometimes used in the wrong context or without true meaning. I know I struggle with claiming to be pro-life. *gasps*
I don't consider myself a true pro-lifer because I don't boycott living, explanation to follow. Honestly, I am not for sure where I fall or what I call myself.
Personally, when I hear the word pro-life, I believe that is all life (in and out of the womb). The Gospel Coalition writes about the term here.
Boycotting
Some pro-life people are going to extreme measures and boycotting things that do not support their personal beliefs.
For example, people are not getting vaccines believing that the vaccines had grown with/in aborted human tissue. Does getting vaccines make me a baby killer? Do they do more harm than good? Or vice versa? If I get a vaccine am I allowed to claim pro-life as my identity?
Does consuming chocolate contradict being pro-life? Since the 70's the Nestle company has been under the lens for causing all sorts of problems for the living. From formula and water contamination in unequipped countries. To recent events of stealing water from the Lakota people. Are their products made my child slaves in terrible conditions? Is that supporting life? If a person purchases these products are they causing others to suffer? At the bottom of the article there is an image of some of the top brands Nestle produces, do you boycott all of those to protect life?
If you watch the Super Bowl are you against humanity, a non-pro-lifer? Major sporting events, including the olympics, has issues with sex(human) trafficking. If you do not boycott sports, or even the internet with advertisements, are you really pro-life?
What if you can't afford child-labor free clothing and your garments that you are currently wearing were made by tiny hands? Do the clothes on your own back create an imbalance to being labeled as a pro-lifer?
What happens if you don't sign every petition allowing for all on death-row to be placed on the 'inmate for life' list? If one does not boycott the death penalty then can you say you are willing to protect all life? Does the death penalty align with your religious view or loving ALL people?
Investing
On the other side of the coin, if a person does not invest in certain ideas or products do they turn against pro-life ideologies?
Let's start with a basic concept. Adoption or fostering. If a healthy, totally equipped family does not choose to adopt or foster, are they not investing in pro-life reform?
What about immigration and building a wall? If you support and invest not letting people (regardless of your reason), do you truly value the living?
Organ donation is yet another topic to consider when you want to discuss pro-life issues. If you choose to go to the grave with your body intact, are you not investing in life?
Definition
Maybe just using the proper definitions will allow for better conversations to take place? The online dictionary defines pro life as an adjective "opposed to legalize abortion; right-to-life."
Last question: is being pro-life an all or nothing type of topic... or pick and choose what issue you want to stand firm on?
DTR before you get on facebook, twitter, instagram, etc before you claim one angle or another. Define the relationship with yourself and with others before words on a device become deceived division makers.
(P.S. I am not trying to convict or accuse. I do not want to upset or hurt. I am trying for us to dig deeper into our thoughts before we proclaim a classification or identity claim; making others shell up thinking they are inferior for supporting (or not) one idea or another) #getofsoapboxtalkingaboutsoapboxes.
Remember: You are loved.
Friday, January 25, 2019
FOCUS {2019}
Hi friends, strangers, random passer-byers (totally just made that word up).
I have not written since... wait for it.... August! That's right; August 5th to be more exact. In about a week that will be a 6 month gap of my musings.
Don't get me wrong; I have been writing but more in the traditional sense, pen to paper.
But I owed it to my soul to write again, for who ever may read this, might need it.
I need it.
If you read the whole post you will even get to read about my outlook for 2019.... for the last three years [2016, 2017 and 2018] I have written a post about my goals or resolutions and then at the end of the year have a synopsis of it all.
Why not keep that tradition?
2018 in short I wanted to embrace ... well... life. I wanted to truly embrace Romans 12 in all aspects, body, mind and soul. I decided, as usual, to set goals for myself:
*Embrace my mind - read 18 books
*Embrace my body - be 140 pounds
*Embrace my soul - live and memorize Romans 12
How did I do?
>I read twice the amount of books I wanted to. That's right, 36 books in a year! Some I finished in a day, some took me a bit longer. Some spoke directly to my soul while others tickled my funny bone, a few even split my heart open making me weep - but all, were embraced and enjoyed. I grew up not being a reader and now, that's no longer a title I hold! 18 books✓
>My lowest healthy weight that I got down to around mid-July was 149 healthy, glorious, strong pounds! However, with a heavy sigh, I shot back up to my body's favorite... comfortable... spot of around 165. That might just be me. I should embrace that! (let's not forget about the races I ran with glee) healthy weight✓
>As much as I would like to say I memorized Romans 12; I did not. I read over it on so many occasions, gaining something I didn't know was missing each time that I did. There were moments that I missed my mark on living out the gospel of Jesus and embracing love of all.... I get frustrated with people.... and my words get the best of me. Did I grow in His word, yes'em! Romans 12✓
2018 was by far my least active year on the blog; 5 entries total. Quality vs quantity? Was I spending my time doing something better? (tooting own horn) I did lead a group through reading Wild and Free by Jess and Hayley (youtube playlist of songs). I also read through some life changing books Fervent by Priscilla Shrier, Dancing in No Man's Land by Brian Jennings. Those were probably some of my top non-fiction books, with a few others sprinkled in between the several fiction books consumed.
2018 I started a new teaching position; and at the start of the year our principal had us take an assessment (yes, a personality type test). This was called "teaching to your strengths" and I enjoyed learning more about my strengths. My top 5 strengths are (not in order of importance): Achiever, Analytical, Belief, Intellection, Relator. I really enjoyed learning more about myself and could not agree with the statements.
2018 also brought some things that were hard to embrace. Loss of friendshipS... yes, with a capital S, as in plural, more than one. It brought death to beloved family members. Embrace hardships is never easy, but as time continues to pass I can look at 2018 of a time of growth; through good and bad. But honestly, a lot of good.
2016 my word of choice was Be. Be still. (Ran a 1/2 marathon though....)
2017 I wanted to be better.
2018 was going to be embracing whatever came at me.
2019 I would like to focus.
>>>>> F O C U S <<<<<
Clarity, deep, seen, closeness, important, fog-less, clear, perspective, included, intentional, core, disciplined.... those are all words that remind me of focus.
I want my 2019, well, what's left of it, to be focused on all things good. This word, despite its meaning, has a wide umbrella of concepts it can cover. Focus on love. Focus on family. Focus on God. Focus on healthy friendships. Focus on prayer. Focus on health. Focus on growing. Focus academically. Focus on joy. Focus.
Currently, in the moment, I am very energized by the evening. My boys played all night and then fell asleep watching a family movie (while I finished my 4th book of the year...). Our youngest is still in his clothes, which happen to be under his spider man costume. Both are covered in blankets from their deconstructed fort/tent that they made earlier in the evening. I had time to read through my Bible study, Seamless and started to listen and put together my playlist for the year. It's been a great evening. Focus on these little moments.
Just for good measure, my 'goal' for reading is to finish 25 books within the year 📖
So, as of January 25th... here's to 2019!
I have not written since... wait for it.... August! That's right; August 5th to be more exact. In about a week that will be a 6 month gap of my musings.
Don't get me wrong; I have been writing but more in the traditional sense, pen to paper.
But I owed it to my soul to write again, for who ever may read this, might need it.
I need it.
If you read the whole post you will even get to read about my outlook for 2019.... for the last three years [2016, 2017 and 2018] I have written a post about my goals or resolutions and then at the end of the year have a synopsis of it all.
Why not keep that tradition?
*Embrace my mind - read 18 books
*Embrace my body - be 140 pounds
*Embrace my soul - live and memorize Romans 12
How did I do?
>I read twice the amount of books I wanted to. That's right, 36 books in a year! Some I finished in a day, some took me a bit longer. Some spoke directly to my soul while others tickled my funny bone, a few even split my heart open making me weep - but all, were embraced and enjoyed. I grew up not being a reader and now, that's no longer a title I hold! 18 books✓
>My lowest healthy weight that I got down to around mid-July was 149 healthy, glorious, strong pounds! However, with a heavy sigh, I shot back up to my body's favorite... comfortable... spot of around 165. That might just be me. I should embrace that! (let's not forget about the races I ran with glee) healthy weight✓
>As much as I would like to say I memorized Romans 12; I did not. I read over it on so many occasions, gaining something I didn't know was missing each time that I did. There were moments that I missed my mark on living out the gospel of Jesus and embracing love of all.... I get frustrated with people.... and my words get the best of me. Did I grow in His word, yes'em! Romans 12✓
2018 was by far my least active year on the blog; 5 entries total. Quality vs quantity? Was I spending my time doing something better? (tooting own horn) I did lead a group through reading Wild and Free by Jess and Hayley (youtube playlist of songs). I also read through some life changing books Fervent by Priscilla Shrier, Dancing in No Man's Land by Brian Jennings. Those were probably some of my top non-fiction books, with a few others sprinkled in between the several fiction books consumed.
2018 I started a new teaching position; and at the start of the year our principal had us take an assessment (yes, a personality type test). This was called "teaching to your strengths" and I enjoyed learning more about my strengths. My top 5 strengths are (not in order of importance): Achiever, Analytical, Belief, Intellection, Relator. I really enjoyed learning more about myself and could not agree with the statements.
2018 also brought some things that were hard to embrace. Loss of friendshipS... yes, with a capital S, as in plural, more than one. It brought death to beloved family members. Embrace hardships is never easy, but as time continues to pass I can look at 2018 of a time of growth; through good and bad. But honestly, a lot of good.
2016 my word of choice was Be. Be still. (Ran a 1/2 marathon though....)
2017 I wanted to be better.
2018 was going to be embracing whatever came at me.
2019 I would like to focus.
>>>>> F O C U S <<<<<
Clarity, deep, seen, closeness, important, fog-less, clear, perspective, included, intentional, core, disciplined.... those are all words that remind me of focus.
I want my 2019, well, what's left of it, to be focused on all things good. This word, despite its meaning, has a wide umbrella of concepts it can cover. Focus on love. Focus on family. Focus on God. Focus on healthy friendships. Focus on prayer. Focus on health. Focus on growing. Focus academically. Focus on joy. Focus.
Currently, in the moment, I am very energized by the evening. My boys played all night and then fell asleep watching a family movie (while I finished my 4th book of the year...). Our youngest is still in his clothes, which happen to be under his spider man costume. Both are covered in blankets from their deconstructed fort/tent that they made earlier in the evening. I had time to read through my Bible study, Seamless and started to listen and put together my playlist for the year. It's been a great evening. Focus on these little moments.
Just for good measure, my 'goal' for reading is to finish 25 books within the year 📖
So, as of January 25th... here's to 2019!
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