This morning I woke up to Soren's feet in my face. About 2:30 this morning he grabbed BB-8, his pacifier and his dog blanket and crawled in bed with me. As much as we try to have our kids sleep in their own beds, I don't mind the cuddles. Soren also knows when his daddy is gone and there is plenty of room next to mommy, his cuddles (and kicks) were welcomed.
We slept a bit later than normal, not allowing for time for me to really get a good grip on the day - which is probably why I was hit with emotions later on - I was vulnerable, ready to receive and needed to embrace my reality.
Embrace my fears.
Soren and I rushed around this morning, to get to church earlier than normal for I had a "meeting" for an event that I am helping put together. It was filled with the love of so many women as we discussed, organized and most importantly prayed.
After the meeting I moved into talking and encountering friends, different walks and seasons of our life. Sat down, in church, listened to Sy preach about Luke 4 and how we need to encounter mess and mob so we can love like Jesus. I don't like mess, I don't like mobs (or crowds of any kind), I don't like not being in control.
It wasn't the spilling coffee on my Bible or the fact that I can't spell when doodling in my notebook (Hannah reminded me that this is why I should not be a tattoo artist) that rattled my brain or made me stir.
It was when we than sang Build My Life by the Passion the chorus found a crack in my very controlled and rationalized heart.
"I will build my life upon Your love
It is a firm foundation
I will put my trust in You alone
And I will not be shaken"
In order to build my life in Your love, I have to embrace my fears.
In order to experience a firm foundation, I have to embrace my fears.
In order to put my trust in You, alone, I have to embrace and then release my fears.
In order to not be shaken, I have to embrace you handling my fears.
A week, actually a few days, before Christmas, I had a friend over for coffee. We were able to catch up with each other's lives but then she asked me how I really felt about Jeremiah, the hubby, taking a job a few hours a way resulting in us having to move this summer.
I gave her what I thought was an honest answer, but now I know that the question was so incredibly deep that I wasn't ready to answer until now.
I am scared.
That same week I was at my parent's house, my sister and her oldest were there too. Gideon, who's almost 6 was telling his almost 5 year old cousin that this summer he is going to be moving. My sister asked me if that was still happening - for I have been very hesitant of sharing the news that this is our families' reality. We were in a very similar situation a year ago and I have not fully recovered from that hurt and how things ended then; so I have been even more hesitant with about this move. My mom then told Gideon that she was going to miss him, he looked her dead in the eyes and said "don't worry, I can find a new grandma" - my dad was laughing while I was trying to pull the dagger out of my mom's heart.
I am scared.
Before children I was ready to move anywhere, jump any time, do anything. But now, there is comfort in knowing that our sons are growing up around family and church friends.
I realized today as we sang that song, building my life in His love and His truth means that I have to not be in control with this move. That we have been called to do kingdom work. Embracing my fears of my next job, stability, finances, relationships, selling and buying homes, school and child care.... and on and on... and on.. - all of those fears have to be given to God.
So here it is - embracing not only my fear of moving, but embracing my fear to not be in control.
