Today.
Today.
Today has been one of those days. You know what I am talking about. You wake up and instantly regret that choice (or request or obligation).
Here's the picture:
Soren - the baby - wakes up at 6; he is poopy!!! I change him and know I only have moments before big brother stirs; so I decided to lay down Soren with me in bed. (Don't tell. We weren't really cosleeping; because sleep was not involved).
Sure enough 6:15 I hear the stirring of Gideon. I hope if I hide under the covers he will go back to bed and think I have disappeared. He's too smart for my childish ideas. So he is in bed, at my feet; kicking me as I am protecting Soren (who went back to sleep). Gideon gets my phone around 6:45 ----> can I refuse to wake up? ←-- and plays games (only educational of course ...and selfies).
7:20 rolls around, even though I thought no time has passed and my sweet husband hops out of bed (yeah my hero) and makes a bottle. Unfortunately he didn't have time to feed booger; he was to be at the church by 8:00.
I barely had one foot on the floor when Gideon is asking for food, Soren starts crying for his bottle, and I Just want to go the bathroom … Alone…. What's that?
IT STARTED OUT A BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY MORNING.
Naturally, like all wonderful parents, cartoons were put on... by Gideon (seriously, he knows how to work the remote...train them right). I feed Soren and start on our breakfast.
I was excited - breakfast was pleasant, as was the cooking. I had day old coffee, zucchini veggies and eggs and Gideon had oatmeal with blueberries and hot chocolate.
So…
That peace didn't last long.
Went to lay booger down for his nap so I could get ready for church and Gideon was playing in his room. A typical Sunday.
THEN IT STARTED - the mommy moments, one after another.
I come out of our room and see Gideon barely sneak into his room. Soren is crying and I can tell Gideon was in there (toys making music, fan on). So I got onto Gideon (mommy fail moment - he was trying to help).
Fast forward through the replaced pacifiers, reswaddle screams, pick up and sway back to sleep to only start the crying once their head briefly touched the mattress, all while constant praying.
Just holding him in the rocking chair I simply start crying.
I am so frustrated. I have these feelers and don't know what to do with them or where they even came from. As an ISTJ - I like logic - and logically Soren should be asleep, I should be dressed reading enjoying coffee, and Gideon reading/playing too.
I FELT OUT OF CONTROL.
Gideon came and rocked with us. Booger back to sleep, and my tears wiped away. Then the very next moment - screams come from Soren's room.
GIVING UP…
I DON'T WANT TO ADULT TODAY.
Still trying to get ready (a 20 minute process that took 2 hours today!) I get the screaming baby and try him in our bed, in his bouncer, on the floor with toys, on the floor on his tummy, holding him, rocking him, I holler at backup (Gideon is the best big brother) though Mr Comedy earned No smiles.
I walk into the living room. Stand. And.
I SCREAM *instantly felt like the worst mommy*
I said no words. Just had to release the tension.
HE IS JUST A BABY.
HE IS JUST COMMUNICATING.
HE IS JUST TIRED/HUNGRY/MAD.
I was then scolded by Gideon for making his brother cry (even though he never stopped). He told me I made a bad choice. I tried explaining to him my mommy frustrations. I tried explaining to him that mommys make mistakes. I tried making this a learning opportunity that we could pray together and all would be right in our home. But that was all interrupted with more 4 month old cries.
I threw on some different clothes and quickly “beautified” my tear stained cheeks and red weepy eyes[my husband said I looked nice when he saw me at church].
By this time it was time for Soren to eat. Gideon helped by dressing himself and we left.
I was still strung tight after the events of the morning - but knew I would enjoy church, so we went.
After dropping the boys off to their classes I ran into a mommy friend. Although she doesn't know it, her hug and words were so comforting. I am not alone.
I AM NOT ALONE.
I AM NOT THE WORST MOMMY.
I AM NOT THE ONLY PARENT WHO HAS A SLEEPLESS CHILD.
The sermon moved my heart; parenting never ends {I have another chance}
Okay the sermon was really called “rebuilding never ends” and that we are loved and have multiple chances.
Right after church, and a few more tears during songs, I knew I had to change my attitude, change my heart. I am a good mommy. I love my children as God loves me; so I quickly went to pick up the boys to give them hugs and kisses and tell them I am sorry and that they are loved.
I was affirmed more about these mommy moments as I was talking to another mom at small group - that she too has moments where she is done and needs help (like someone taking baby for a drive).
The day turned out really well. Soren took a 3 hour nap after church. I was able to get a nap and run in before dishes and small group.
{God is Good}
Mommys/daddys/grandparents:
You are loved
You are not alone
You are redeemed
You are given another chance
You can do this.
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