I tried - not loosing it {a relatable mommy moment}

Today. 

Today. 

Today has been one of those days. You know what I am talking about. You wake up and instantly regret that choice (or request or obligation).  

Here's the picture:

Soren - the baby - wakes up at 6; he is poopy!!!  I change him and know I only have moments before big brother stirs; so I decided to lay down Soren with me in bed. (Don't tell. We weren't really cosleeping; because sleep was not involved). 

Sure enough 6:15 I hear the stirring of Gideon.  I hope if I hide under the covers he will go back to bed and think I have disappeared.  He's too smart for my childish ideas.  So he is in bed, at my feet; kicking me as I am protecting Soren (who went back to sleep).   Gideon gets my phone around 6:45 ----> can I refuse to wake up? ←--  and plays games (only educational of course ...and selfies).  

7:20 rolls around, even though I thought no time has passed and my sweet husband hops out of bed (yeah my hero) and makes a bottle.   Unfortunately he didn't have time to feed booger; he was to be at the church by 8:00.  

I barely had one foot on the floor when Gideon is asking for food, Soren starts crying for his bottle, and I Just want to go the bathroom … Alone…. What's that? 

IT STARTED OUT A BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY MORNING. 

Naturally, like all wonderful parents, cartoons were put on... by Gideon (seriously, he knows how to work the remote...train them right).  I feed Soren and start on our breakfast.  

I was excited - breakfast was pleasant, as was the cooking. I had day old coffee, zucchini veggies and eggs and Gideon had oatmeal with blueberries and hot chocolate. 

So…

That peace didn't last long.  

Went to lay booger down for his nap so I could get ready for church and Gideon was playing in his room.  A typical Sunday. 

THEN IT STARTED - the mommy moments, one after another. 

I come out of our room and see Gideon barely sneak into his room.  Soren is crying and I can tell Gideon was in there (toys making music, fan on). So I got onto Gideon (mommy fail moment - he was trying to help).   

Fast forward through the replaced pacifiers, reswaddle screams, pick up and sway back to sleep to only start the crying once their head briefly touched the mattress, all while constant praying. 

Just holding him in the rocking chair I simply start crying. 

I am so frustrated. I have these feelers and don't know what to do with them or where they even came from. As an ISTJ - I like logic - and logically Soren should be asleep, I should be dressed reading enjoying coffee, and Gideon reading/playing too.  

I FELT OUT OF CONTROL.  

Gideon came and rocked with us. Booger back to sleep, and my tears wiped away. Then the very next moment - screams come from Soren's room. 

GIVING UP…

I DON'T WANT TO ADULT TODAY. 

Still trying to get ready (a 20 minute process that took 2 hours today!) I get the screaming baby and try him in our bed, in his bouncer, on the floor with toys, on the floor on his tummy, holding him, rocking him, I holler at backup (Gideon is the best big brother) though Mr Comedy earned No smiles. 

I walk into the living room. Stand. And. 

I SCREAM   *instantly felt like the worst mommy*

I said no words. Just had to release the tension. 

HE IS JUST A BABY. 

HE IS JUST COMMUNICATING. 

HE IS JUST TIRED/HUNGRY/MAD. 

I was then scolded by Gideon for making his brother cry (even though he never stopped).  He told me I made a bad choice. I tried explaining to him my mommy frustrations. I tried explaining to him that mommys make mistakes. I tried making this a learning opportunity that we could pray together and all would be right in our home.  But that was all interrupted with more 4 month old cries. 

I threw on some different clothes and quickly “beautified” my tear stained cheeks and red weepy eyes[my husband said I looked nice when he saw me at church].   

By this time it was time for Soren to eat.  Gideon helped by dressing himself and we left.  

I was still strung tight after the events of the morning - but knew I would enjoy church, so we went.  

After dropping the boys off to their classes I ran into a mommy friend. Although she doesn't know it, her hug and words were so comforting. I am not alone. 

I AM NOT ALONE. 

I AM NOT THE WORST MOMMY. 

I AM NOT THE ONLY PARENT WHO HAS A SLEEPLESS CHILD.  

The sermon moved my heart; parenting never ends {I have another chance} 

Okay the sermon was really called “rebuilding never ends” and that we are loved and have multiple chances.  

Right after church, and a few more tears during songs, I knew I had to change my attitude, change my heart. I am a good mommy. I love my children as God loves me; so I quickly went to pick up the boys to give them hugs and kisses and tell them I am sorry and that they are loved. 

I was affirmed more about these mommy moments as I was talking to another mom at small group - that she too has moments where she is done and needs help (like someone taking baby for a drive).  

The day turned out really well.  Soren took a 3 hour nap after church. I was able to get a nap and run in before dishes and small group. 

{God is Good} 

Mommys/daddys/grandparents: 

You are loved 

You are not alone 

You are redeemed 

You are given another chance 

You can do this. 

[UPDATE]

Looking at my last post from 10/9 - it's been almost a month!


It has been a full fall season with lots of friends, family, and fun! 

I am not even for sure where to begin.

The boys had a great Halloween, we took family pictures a while ago, I am still running/on a weight loss journey/lifestyle change. 

Jeremiah only has about a month left of school.  Another semester under his belt.   I am just truly blessed to call him my husband.

I have started meeting with a mentor friend. Julie is great and I always look forward to meeting with her about life, ministries, marriage, families, life, JESUS.  On our first meeting she gave me a journal.  The journal is probably one of the reasons (of several) that I have not written in a while.  But through this journal I have been able to write more about how I see God moving in our lives.  It is a nice way to start, be during, and end the day.  God is Good.

Being as November is the 'thankful' month on social media.  I have not been participating in the sense of writing a post of what I am thankful for every day.   1) I do believe that we should be thankful every day regardless of the month/holiday.   2) repeat number 1. 


Writing in my journal I have seen God answer prayers, work through my personal negativity and lack of value.  I have been able to write about my life style change, take better sermon notes, put ink to paper my life goals. 


The boys are both doing really well.  Soren is 4.5 months old already - seriously, where is the time going!?!?  Gideon is by far the BEST big brother possible.  He aims to see his brother smile and doesn't like to hear him cry (and sometimes only Gideon can get Soren to laugh when no one else can).   Gideon is doing really well in pre-school as is his daddy.    

I have a few students who are rough; but I think they are coming around.  As I was talking to Julie this week I had a couple of questions for her 1) how do you be intentional when so many are broken or need that constant love 2) relationships are more important than math (sometimes hard for me to admit).  

This year I am writing all of my students a Christmas card.  I am constantly reminded them that their self value is not in the grade they get in math - it is a number - it is ambiguous. I truly do care for all of these kiddos.

Lately I have been thinking about my future.  I went to school to teach, and thought that is that.  I didn't think about what God has in store for me.  I still have 3 years of teaching while Jeremiah finishes his bachelors and then will be completing his masters.  I think after he is done with his education I am going to go back for counseling.  Jeremiah thinks I should get the pastoral counseling degree.  I just want to work with those that need it most.    But we will see - God always has a better plan  =]