As always - ignore all typos.
I want to write for working moms. I want to write about meal planning. I want to write about friendship. I want to write about happiness and then grief. I want to write about our society, the sadness and the joy. I want to write about how blessed I am, even though we live "below poverty" (thanks Ruby Payne). I want to share my story of depression and how God changed my heart. I want to write about pain, confusion, insecurities, and injustice. I want to write about topics that are heated debates.
I want to write.
I tried making others happy. And I learned I can't.
What is happiness? Seriously? What is glee or joy?
To me happiness is one of those cheesy quotes you find on google images. Like this one:
You find all sorts of motivational ideas of happiness. Honestly - these are great to post when you are unhappy and you passively aggressively want others to know you are unhappy, without you telling them.
Happiness is a journey. It's an adventure.
So.
I tried to make others happy. I was a doormat. I built walls around myself to those I didn't trust; and because I didn't let them in, they weren't happy and I lost that relationship - thinking "stinks for them, I am so terrific"
I was so naive.
I had happiness so backwards. Inside out. I had everything. I mean EVERYTHING WRONG.
It has taken 28 years to learn:
1) happiness is on a continuum. It fluctuates and carries differently from person to person. And as humans we do our best to sympathize and empathize. But typically we fall short. One of humans beautiful diversities.
2)If you are not happy, if your heart is not filled or even transforming it is difficult to make others happy. So you will end up getting hurt (difficult cycle).
3) if you are trying to make other people happy, you are looking at it wrong. We can't make other people's continuum change - their outlook, is from their perspective. However, we can serve them. We can LOVE THEM. That pleases God. We should not be making them happy. We should be serving them.
4) Some people, and I was one of them once, believed that if they are hurting - so should those around them. At times, it was a cry for help. It was pleads for someone to make me happy. But - people can not move someone else's continuum. You are in control of your happiness. ***** will state that our bodies have chemicals and that sometimes our bodies are so out of balance it requires medication or holistic approaches to help people learn how to make the choice.
5) despite all efforts - some people will always think of you at one stage. No matter what personal growth you have - they, for some reason, will not acknowledge the slightest bit of change and development.
6) it's hard, time consuming, and impossible to make everyone happy.
Seriously - people will agree with you. Others will disagree. Some like to project their own pain on to others. It is not your job.
7) or 8) I've lost count ;)
Your happiness should come first. We are to serve and love people. However, it is difficult to help others when we are hurting. YES WE ARE ALL BROKEN. YES, we can cry. YES, all have great days and not so great. But not taking care of yourself can end up hurting others in the long run. **see below
Today is suicide awareness. Having had lost family and even a student to such horrific acts. It breaks my heart to think that people struggle so much that they believe the only solution is taking their lives. It is okay to admit you need help. It is okay to share your struggles. It is not okay to leave people behind asking questions that you can no longer answer.
I have made people upset over the years, for I was trying to learn how to cope with my own inadequate and unhappiness without sharing it. This is a journey.
I tried making others happy. And it doesn't work. And I am okay with that. I want to please God by loving people. But I know, we are all humans and interpret and perceive differently. I can't make anyone happy. I can't make everyone happy. I tried. I failed. And I happy to admit that.
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