I wrote, on my phone, a blog post about why I write (my form of prayer, it's how I digest events and thoughts since I was 12, not to mention I can type faster than I can write). I wrote this elaborate post asking for forgiveness and apologizing for all the hurt I have caused in the past and most recently. I was reflecting on Colossians 3: 1-2 and Matthew Wests song "forgiveness" (yes that is the combination of material I was given to reflect/study on).
It was a long post.
I went to look up something else in my phone and came back to the blogger app for my post to be washed away. White as snow. As if I never wrote it.
At first I was a little upset. All that time my thumb pecked at the screen. But then I realized it was God giving me another chance reminding me....
It could be the lack of sleep making this seem way more interesting/cool. But it's what God gave to me.
HE FORGIVES ME.
HE LOVES ME.
HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW.
He washed and made me clean. He erased my hurt and filled it with him. I have to ask for that frequently. He started to have me write something new.
So as I find peace settle in and anger lift up from me. I need to state this:
1) I know more than likely you (all of you, and you know who you are) won't read this. But like my post, I need to state it. I am sorry. I am sorry for all of the hurtful things I've said. I am sorry for all the quick tongued, bitter, and and sharp words I slaughtered you with. You have to believe me that I plead for your forgiveness. I am sorry for what I have lost and what could have been. I am sorry for putting my husband in difficult positions. I am sorry for always finding blame and justification in other ways. You don't have to forgive me now or ever just know that your lives impacted my life forever. It has changed my story and my path. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.
2) I forgive you (even though there is a small percentage you will see this). I forgive all of you. I forgive those who have abandoned relationships (a learning opportunity). I forgive all of you who took from my grace. I forgive every person who has hurt me physically, mentally, emotionally. Like in the song, God forgives me. Without these situations in my life I would not be who I am. I would not have the passion that I do. I would not have the walls of fear to tear down and learn what trust is. I would not have been able to know what true love and grace are. I must forgive for I have been forgiven.
3) to my husband (who I will make sure to have read this, probably as I snore beside him). First, I forgive you. I know I have told you that...but now the internet knows :) at times it is hard (this past summer, the anniversary time) and I struggle. But even though I won't fully understand that year, I want you to know it is our past. Not our future. Also, I am sorry. I am sorry for dragging you in and out of my messes. I am sorry for the friendships you have lost because of me or some stupid thing I said or done. I am sorry for any hurt I have caused you. And thank you. Thank you for forgiveness. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for becoming a Christian and helping me to draw nearer and educate myself more. I am no where near the wife I would like to be for you - but we have time. ;) I am proud of you. I can not say it enough. You are a terrific husband by challenging me, holding up mirrors to see my true reflections, but loving me just the same. Watching you parent our children is beautiful. You are a dad of love.
4) God - thank you for Grace, Love, Hope. I set out to write about why I write to you, but my words were not worthy. For you knew the truth. Thank you for making me new and clearing my thoughts away, literally. I know I will never understand your power and the line you have drawn for me. But thank you for peace. I know that I may never be forgiven by people but I have been forgiven by you. As I pray daily; for you to help me show Jesus to those around me and that I can focus on you above. Help me to always be reflecting on James 1: 19 - 21. Slow to speak, bridle my tongue and to love. I am sorry for those who I have hurt, I can not promise that it will never happen again for I am not perfect and people perceive differently so I ask for forgiveness for the future. I pray that through you I will not hurt again, but to be humble, careful, loving, slow to speak and serve with a pure heart. I am a fool God. I need your word, wisdom, guidance.
I AM SORRY.
I AM FORGIVEN.
***side notes
I also want to apologize, as I do for several posts, for my grammar and errors.
Also note I always write for me. I am not seeking people to tell me anything. I write as a way to give my brain a rest and talk with God. If anything I ever write is helpful to someone that is great, but this blog as always, and will always be for my thoughts.
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