I had the goal that I was going to write more this new year. Yet, it's May 23 and I have not posted since the start.
I write best for me when I am passionate and honest about something (even if it's just my life). However, for several months I felt like a fake... unsure of life. I have some major trust issues. So, I couldn't write. Nothing made sense to write about. Where do I start with the pain? How do I address the confusion? How do I explain that when moving last year I lost myself but also gained a new sense of who I am.
It's been a crazy few days... well weeks.. I guess months.
My family and I are relocating back to what we call home. Our boys are thrilled. I am thrilled and nervous (more to come) - but thankful the process of settling is almost over.
Here was our crazy itenary. Have you been there.... where you look back and you are like... .we survived.
Wednesday 5/15 we (okay my husband and a friend) packed the uhaul truck and I packed vans after work and we stayed at a friends house.
Thursday 5/16 after work I drove to meet my family and start to unpack our house.
Friday 5/17 in the afternoon my husband and I drove 3.5 hours away for his Master's graduation party at his professor's house (so lovely).
Saturday 5/18 Jeremiah graduates with his Masters in Entrepreneurial and Innovation degree...with....honors! I couldn't be more proud and yet feel so terribly by the fact that we did not celebrate more. We drove the 4 hours back home, picked up our boys, and we went to two birthday parties!
Sunday 5/19 we go to church, unpack some more and I leave to drive 2 hours back to where we were located to finish teaching.
Monday 5/20 school day went well. I am house sitting all by myself and the tornado sirens go off. I have no TV and clueless to what is happening. I eventually get some rest.
Tuesday 5/21 the tornado sirens go off again at 6 in the morning, I sleep for an hour in the bathroom floor and get a call that our school has been delayed by an hour due to the weather. That night we get a call not to worry about the river, that all will be find.
Wednesday 5/22 in the middle of the day we get an email that our school is out 2 days early due to flood waters. Kids start going crazy (even though they have 2 hours of school left). The fire alarm was pulled at least 15 times by students and their reckless choices. I get to the house I am staying at and start walking the dog when the sirens go off again. After about 3 hours of sirens going on and off, bits and pieces of time in the bathroom reading to Roland (the sweet doggie) I start getting news that tornadoes are happening close to where my family has relocated and that one touched down about 1/4 mile from our house.
Thursday 5/23 I find out that all of my friends, family and prior students are safe throughout the two states and some loved ones do have damage to their houses. Go to our school meeting and discover that I have to continue to fulfill my contract and remain at school today, tomorrow and come back on Tuesday after memorial day. Currently the flood alarms near the school are sounding as they have been closing roads as they flood.
That's my week guys. I was going to find R.E.S.T this week. Nope.
So here I am. My family and I in another transition, 2 hours apart in crazy weather, and I finally feel like I can be honest in my words again.
I haven't been on facebook in a while. What started out as a lent activity turned into more. I began to not miss it. I deleted the app from my phone and would spend maybe 10 minutes a day on my lunch checking for any important dates and events. I also enjoyed the memories (my kids are getting too big too fast). But in the end.. what's the point of it?
While I have been away from facebook I have discovered who is intentional with me. Who checks in on me and sees how I am doing (for you friends, I am thankful). I am thankful for the family that helped us pack and unpack - you are amazing and I love you all for that (and mowing our yard!!).
But as I was away from facebook I was also able to realize how nice it was not to have to 'fake' being me anymore. I felt like a liar when I didn't/couldn't tell people the reality of us moving. I hated when people would tell me that they were excited that we were moving back but never checked on us, probably will never read this, and were not there for a difficult and challenging year. I didn't feel authentic to those around me as I knew this wasn't permanent and just wanted to make the best of it.
Maybe once a month I will post pictures of the kidds (for those boys are too darn cute). Maybe I still start blogging more about my own life and not just "hot topics". Maybe I will find myself enjoying life too much and just dump all technology! Just stop by my house to come say hi. Who knows.
To be honest, I am scared for the next chapter. I accepted a teaching position back in March for highschool!! I have always taught (and enjoyed) middle school and excited for the newness that comes with this position. But need to find rest first this summer.
I want to choose joy - honestly. I want to face this emptiness that has been in me for a while and replace with overflowing love and desire for everything I encounter.
I want to be real and authentic and intentional with my people, and thankful for those who do the same.
This next chapter is what we were led to do, and it was difficult leaving the first time, but we know it was necessary and good all the same.
So even though I wasn't able to say goodbye (officially) to my students this year among the chaos, I hope they know how much they are loved.
Okay... I am rambling.... I have lost my skill to process.
Maybe it's the flood sirens ringing....
Maybe it's my mind swinging...
I think it might be time to go walk Roland again.
