{an open letter on current events} I tried - screaming

Dear people,

I want to scream.

I want to scream in sadness, anger, bitterness, confusion, resentment, and passion.

This weekend, as many know, Trump is refusing to let refugees in unless they are Christians (in a very basic concept). Trump also would like to build a wall.  Trump this and trump that.

I am hoping that this letter will address several people groups.  I am not talking about religious groups, sexual orientation groups, pro-life at what level groups.  I am talking about facebook groups.

Here is what my Facebook feed consist of:

***Non-Christians (and most definitely not trump supporters) posting about how stupid Christians are to vote for this man. things like "Hey Christians...You were duped" C.S.

***Trump supporters (who some claim to be Christians) - who voted for Trump and are excited to see things going well and are finding reasons to rationalize what is happening as "okay", for instant the guy, L.S. who said "So I am curious, where were the national protest when Obama banned middle eastern refugees and deported millions of illegals? Why is it wrong that Trump has done it "which IS allowed by law" yet each of the last 6 presidents banned certain groups of people from entering the country? Hypocrisy at this best... if Hillary or Obama would have signed the same executive order there would be no protest at the  airports.  I'd bet  95% of the people who are protesting couldn't even find these countries Trump TEMPORARILY banned people from on a map or have any idea that the president is allowed do this legally."

***People who are overwhelmed and don't want to take a stand and are posting pictures of their cats.

***Advocates - who regardless of their personal religious beliefs are fighting for human rights

***Radical Christians - Jesus followers.  These are the people may or may not have voted for Trump.  But no matter what, are wanting to take a stand with the advocates.

Dear non - Christians, 

I know you don't agree with Christians or believe in Jesus or his death on the cross.  I am not asking your to believe what I believe, I am asking you to stop saying that this is Christians fault.  Yes, Trump might have persuaded or favored the Christian religion to gain votes.  

But I am not one of them.  Giving me an identity that I did not ask for is hypocritical - for it's no different than racists claiming that all Muslims are terrorists.     You can be mad about Trump's choices.  But instead of passing the blame and starting more irrelevant drama, let's rally together and do something about it.  

Dear Trump Supporter,
Really?  Really?  I don't understand why you are trying so hard to defend a person that is causing so much harm.   Chances are, you might be white, a Christian, or have a little bit of ignorance (in the sense of following family habits vs researching and making your own).  I am not stupid, no matter how much you wish we were.  In fact,I graduated college with the person who claims that only Trump supporters know geography.  Trump is president, you don't have to battle for him.  Instead, we need to go to battle together, for the human race. Please don't push us away more 

Also, please stop saying how perfect and well behaved the Republicans were when Obama was elected.  If I recall, he had to deal with several hateful situations. 

PS - to the Christian-Trump Supporters, where?  Where in the Bible does it say it's okay to build a wall and excluded people?  Where in the Bible does it say it's okay to cause harm on someone else - like torture?  Where in the Bible does it say it's okay to judge others based off of their sexual orientation, creed, race, even parenting skill set?    I am so confused by you and your actions - when I read my Bible it's filled of Love, Hope, Peace, War AGAINST the ENEMY.   So, let's stop fighting each other as people, and start fighting the good fight.

Dear people who are overwhelmed,

It's okay.  It really is.  You might be too young to understand what is happening.  I urge you to educate yourself - and that doesn't necessarily mean follow your parents.  Do research, learn about the world around you.  To those who are over whelmed and don't understand why it's a big deal, my heart is sadden for you.  The world is suffering around us, and it might not be in your own home, but if we don't do anything about it, it's going to be knocking on your door here soon. I want to let you know, the battle was already won.  There is peace in greater than all of this. 

By not doing anything is taking side of the enemy; letting them win. 

Dear advocates,

I stand by you.  However, I will only stand if you continue to fight with dignity.  Peace.  I may agree with what you are representing but once it turns violent I will never agree with those methods. Thank you.  Thank you for standing up for those who don't have a voice. I wish I could do more.  For now, my only weapon is words of encouragement and words of love to the oppressed.

Dear radical Christians, 

Brothers and Sisters do not be discouraged for God is with you. You are standing with all races.  You are fighting for all life.  You are loving all people.  Don't be divided in your efforts.  Your identity is in Jesus, let Him shine through all of this.  And when you feel like you are the only one out there, always remember - you are not.    I am with you. 

Dear People. 
Look at that picture above.
My heart aches. I am heavy with grief for this little boy and his family.  The picture is old, but the need to help and love others is still very new.
Tell me great nation, how can we let this happen?
My heart aches as our nation is divided on nearly every issue possible.
My heart aches as people are hurting people - with words.  Words create a wound that is so deep, that no amount of time will ever allow for it to fully heal.  
My heart aches as people believe they can't do anything to help - doing nothing is worse than trying and failing.
My heart aches for police officers and veterans.
My heart aches for those on death row.
My heart aches for the black father who was wrongly accused; continuing the cycle of injustice.
My heart aches for the Muslim woman who is shamed into not leaving her home.
My heart aches for the 16 year old who thought she had no other options but to determinate a human's life.
My heart aches for the Native American who still fights for their land.
My heart aches for the mom who lost another child.
My heart aches for the men and women and those questioning who have never known what safety feels like.
My heart aches for the teacher who spends their own money to feed her students.
My heart aches.

What are you doing to make a difference?  

Let's not make America great again.
No, that's child's play.  

Let's make people great again. 

I tried - (trump life) remaining positive, finding peace

We, as in this country that I was born in, have a new president.  Mr. Trump.  There are a lot of things that have gone through my mind.  There are lots of conversations I have had with other teachers, my students, friends and family. But what I keep coming back to is His word.  

I did not vote for this man.  In fact, I did not vote. You can find other political blogs of mine if you are curious of why I refrain from voting.

But here are my thoughts on our current reality.  

Trump is president.

You are (pick one or a combination of the following, rhetoric):

*You voted for him - are super excited - almost rubbing it in everyone's faces and believe that the world is already a better place because of him all while chanting that you are glad Obama is out.
*You voted for him because you felt like you had no other choice, that it was your 'civic duty' and now you are waiting to see what the next 4 years bring.

*You did not vote for him and are super upset about the situation and all that it has already brought, including the Besty Devos situation (don't get my started on that - you all know how passionate I am about education!).  But, you go about your business, living your day to day life.
*You did not vote for him and while tears flood your eyes while Obama steps aside, you make irrational decisions by destroying other people's property all while yelling hateful words.
*You did not vote for Trump BUT you are doing something about the current conditions, while being civil and peaceful.

*Jesus.  - He is always an option. 

A few weeks ago I wrote down four scriptures that I wanted to memorize for the month of January.  Tonight, among some other reading, I looked at what I wrote down for next week.

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2

I have so much peace right now.  Maybe I should be marching, or prayer walking, or taking a stand for what is going on.  Right now - my focus is on things above.

Yes, it's heart breaking if your presidential nominee was not elected.  Yes, there are some things that are going to be hard to stomach. Yes, it's hard to grasp how some Christians believe that we should build a wall, dishonoring people, showing no love (check out Romans 12: 9 - 21 please).

But at the end of the day.  I want to be a better me, and to do that, I need to ask God what he wants.

I would challenge everyone to read Colossians 3.  The entire chapter.  If you continue to read we are given examples of what not to do, followed by what we should do.

Verse 14, "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..."

If you are a Christian - are you doing what was asked? 
If you are not a Christian - are the people you know that claim to be Christians doing what is asked - if not, challenge them to do it.

I tried - dreaming big

At the start of the year,  I had made a template and was all excited about my check-boxes, and lists, and pretty little bullet-points.  Then reality hit.

I have too much to do.

I'm a working mom who loves to help.  Here's what my day looks like:

Leave the house by 7:15 (which is kinda late) with Gideon.  We eat breakfast in the car.
Entertain, I mean teach, 140 kiddos for several hours.   Until 3:30 or 4:30 on tutoring days.
Go get Gideon
Go get Soren.
Get home.  It's almost 5.
Somehow I make dinner while trying to please the several demands of my two boys.  (Jeremiah is at work until 7 most nights).
Eat dinner.
Give boys baths.
Play and read with boys while trying to manage other small tasks (mail, etc).
Boys to bed - on a good night - both are asleep by 8:30.  A good night.
Do dishes, pick up, clean up, turn around.  Repeat... it's like the "electric slide" but, for moms.
Maybe complain to my husband here and there.
Sit on the couch.  It's now almost 10.

No sweat. I'm ambitious.  I can read the Bible, read some of a book, do a little work out (because my running has gone down hill), have time to socialize on social media.  Yeah right!?

I'm tired.

I am helping out with a church event that requires a lot of time.  I was asked to share my testimony on two topics.  I keep questioning on what and how to write.  Praying for the correct words.  Not enough words - come back tomorrow and try again.  Plus several other tasks that I am honored to be apart of, but keep praying for God to help me to make those I am serving fill loved - even before we get there.

I am helping transition to a big move.
Watch videos to get my teaching license valid in another state - which requires watching several videos over their "state history." Plus the quizzes... the quizzes.. the surveys.   PAPER WORK.
I'm setting up appointments with the realtor to help get our house on the market.
Trying to go through things to prepare to move and have a garage sale.
I need to make sure that when I am done teaching this year that I can fill out more paper work about student loans. Oh joy.
I am trying to make sure that this duck and this chick are all in the right spots.

Plus, laundry.  Yeah - that's a fun Friday night Fact of life.  
Or pay bills.
Or...
And....

I am tired and dream too big.

I still like my goals.  And honestly, I am not ever a quitter.   I will achieve them.  But this momma, who has to teach Sunday School, needs a break.

But until we move and all of the busy work is settled into the dust my big dreams need to wait.

So, here it is - week 3 to 2017 -
Dream small.

Small goals.
I want to enjoy time with my family and not be so stressed which causes me to be on edge and angry.
I want to eat healthy but not micromanage every detail.
I want to find rest, even if it's in a few episodes of Gilmore Girls (without feeling guilty).

This week's memory verse: 

I tried - week 2 the new year

I have a lot to think about.
I have a lot to do.
I have a lot to give to God. 

Enjoy your second week of the new year!  

Be a better you than you were yesterday. 

I tried - living in two worlds

Hesitation.

I read a high school buddy's blog the other day and she had written about her one word for 2017- check out the movement here.  

I thought about what my word would be.  I was learning towards "better" - I want 2017 to be better.   What about change, transition, opportunity, intentional, different, excitement, unknowing, overwhelmed?

But all day today, everything that I have been doing, working on, or thinking about - I have been hesitant.

Hesitation.  

I am hesitant about this year.  Like a pool's water with questionable temperatures.  You want to slowly stick your toes in, to only jump back.  That's 2017.   Two days into a new year.  I'm wanting to jump back.  I was never a good swimmer any how.  

Hesitation.

I am hesitant with my actions, choices, words, relationships, thoughts, to-do list items, every basic task has become over whelming or flat out just takes longer for my mind to process the efficiency at which I want to do things.

Honestly - I just want to sit. Be. Be alone. Be done.  Be quiet.  Be lazy. Be better.

So, instead of "being" or doing "better" - I am hesitant.  

Hesitation.

Do I go through the boys closets for the second time this week, looking for things to sell?
Do I call and try to find a realtor to start the processing of selling our house?
Do I box up everything unwanted in hopes to make the process easier down the road?
Do I go to the store to buy my nephew's birthday present?
Do I go for a run, or work out, something I miss but haven't been doing?
Do I do the dishes and clean the house - a deep winter cleaning?
Do I text a friend who I feel as if they are hesitant in maintaining our relationship?
Do I look for my resume and update it?
Do I call this company again to get my courses and videos outlined?
Do I curl up and cry?
Do I pray, read and reflect?
Do I binge watch Girlmore Girls?
Do I take a nap?

Hesitant.  

I am hesitant because I don't know where to begin.  I want to do better, be better, in all aspects of my life.   But I am living in two worlds, and don't belong in either.

World A - it's changing.  I am a rock within the rapids.  Everything is moving around me.  But I wait for a big current to take me with it. It's a world which I don't belong.
World B - it's awaiting.  Awaiting with the what ifs.  It's the cliff of the river.  We can see it approaching, but the question of what is at the bottom - is unknowing.  You are hesitant to go over the cliff - what if there are only boulders and sharp rocks?  But we are told it should be a pool of refreshing water.

I am hesitant to even post this.

I am not wanting pity feedback.  I am not wanting for others to give me a false reality and tell me it's all going to be okay.  I am not wanting anyone to do anything, but push.

Can someone teaching me to swim, or better yet, just push me into the pool of 2017.  

I'm hesitant.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Rejoice always.  Pray without ceasing."  1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 17