Recently I have been getting together with a wiser lady from our church. Just someone to help navigate my path; as a wife to a Christian college husband. As a baby in biblical teachings.
Recently I told her how I am the emotionless friend. In the previous weeks I had women come to me - admitting that they came to me because I am their "calm me down," "rational" or "emotionless" friend/person.
{can I be transparent}
My heart is thawing. I WANT TO FEEL. My heart has been so protected over the last couple of decades. My heart was hardened and locked away. My only goal in life was to not let anyone see or be close. For anyone I let in always failed, hurt or left me.
For awhile I have been asking God to break my heart for what breaks his.
As I begin to learn about my emotions and what I feel, I now get teary-eyed at joyful sightings. I now praise louder not caring about my horrible tune. I now weep at the brokenness of the world. I now pray more. I am more intentional with people. Even my own students' stories lay heavy on my heart. I truly listen to those speaking to me -- with the intent to listen, not to respond.
I AM STARTING TO FEEL.
It's probably strange to ask for feelings or emotions. But I thought I was weird. I was thinking too much about my thinking.
I asked my mentor if I needed to change? If it's possible to over think, analyze; be too scheduled, routined, organized, practical, rational, ISTJ.
She agreed that the church/body of Christ needs all people to function. That people need people like me. That's why people come to me - I bring a sense of stability.
Hearing that; my heart melted a bit more.
I genuinely do care about people perception of me. I want them to see Jesus through me.
Although I can not change who I am (someone else is in charge) I am learning about perspective, tact and loving like Jesus. Although I am still honest - I do my best to speak with dignity, grace and love. I now continue to pray for the correct words to speak to people. I pray for timing. I pray to be more like him. I am so thankful to have people in my life who are Jesus to me; to be those examples, to give me grace in return as they help me grow. And I am thankful that God allows me to have opportunities to love people.
I am sure it's cliche - but seriously. Knowing that my heart is in his hands reminds me that my approach to the world was wrong. I guarded my heart for people broke it - but God protects my heart for I am his daughter and he is my king.
There is a peace that overwhelms me. I FEEL HIS PRESENCE. I am thankful for having that peace. That feeling. That emotion.
I tried having emotions. And they are there. But most importantly I am no longer locking my self up and defending my heart with sharp word-like arrows.
God is good. He brings us peace. He has brought me peace. I am learning to feel have healthy emotions. But most importantly he has brought me peace knowing that I am an important part of the body of Christ.
I challenge you this week to ask for peace into your life. To be the peace others are so desperately looking for. I challenge you to find peace even in times when you are overwhelmed and lost.
I tried - having emotions. I found them. How about you? Are you on the emotional frontier or more reserved with letting others in? How do you handle the rough times? How do your praise the good?
